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Am I jumping to onclusions?


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I'm a married man of 8 years and love my wife to bits and up until this point there have been no issues. I have always been one to trust my instincts and never really had any major reason to doubt my relationship with my wife but please advise me what you make of the following events.

 

I travel the country with my job and from time to time phone my wife in the morning to say hello. This one day when I phoned she mentioned that she would be going out for lunch with work friends and would be finishing work at 12:15 to go to the atm and then off for the emal at 12:30 and I thought absolutley nothing of it until I got home that evening and said hi to wife and asked her how her day had been and how the lunch had gone with her friends. She said it had gone fine and that she had finished work at 12:30 has planned and had a nice meal and left about 14:30ish. So after taking my coat off and hinging it up I spotted what looked like a piece of paper on the floor in the cloak room and picked it, opened it to see what it was and it was an atm receipt with a time time stamp of 11:30 that same day. I asked my wife had she been to get money out today from the atm and she said she had. I asked her what time she went and she said 12:15 ish.. Now I know things wrong with technology but atm machines have to be accurate don't they? I told her I had just found this receipt with 11:30 on it and how can this be so and her reply was the machine must be wrong. I felt a sickly feeling in my gut and no this can't be right and pressed on with the theory that atm times have to be correct.

 

She denied and denied and denied it

 

Now some 8 months later. after me still 100% with her explanation my wife said OK I was at the atm at 11:30 but could not say anything to you because I had already told you on the phone I was finishing at 12:15 and there were other people around me in the office when you had phoned and that really she had planned to finish at 11:30 just after the the rest of the office had left to make there way to the location for the meal. She then said her plans were to collect our daughter and walk her to the afternoon nursery then from there make her way to the meal. I said why didn't you tell me this last night and she replied I forgot. Now we have a daughter that is 4 years old and we have a child minder that takes care of her whilst we were both in work. So with this in mind I asked did the child minder know you were calling early to collect our daughter. She replied no I just called and let her know that I was taking her home first for some lunch then I take her the school. Now to be clear I am not saying anything about my wife behind her back I would not do that I love her to much to bad mouth her but something is bothering me that is an issue with trust and communication. The issue is simply this if my wife loves me, trusts me and believes in honesty then why did she not to say something light hearted when the atm receipt was found instead of a major, major denial and blaming the atm that went on for this long. It is a small problem maybe but is niggling me as to what are her real values in marriage. I do not like the idea of lying in a marriage it makes for a rocky foundation I'm certain. This is making me feel uneasy, my wife is not good at communicating her emotions were as I am an open book.

 

Now 3 months on and my wifes office party.

My wife went to her office party the other night and went with her sister who also works for the same company. the problem is that when she got home and walked through the door with her sister they were both laughing and I first thought they are merry and/or may have had too much to drink. Then my wifes sister started telling me in between laughing that they had been dancing with 2 lads from there office and that my wife had to lock herself in the toilet. Now I know my wife has not done anything wrong but wonder what position did she put herself in to have to lock herself in the toilet. My wife would not say who she was dancing with and would not say. So I asked why was she and her sister dancing with 2 lads on there own. My wife then started looking in her hand bag for a tissue and tipped the contents out onto the coffee table, what fell out amongs other things was the instructions from a box of condoms. I asked her why this was in her bag and she said my 4 year old must have put it in there from our bedroom drawer.. There were no condoms just the instructions.

 

 

Am I jumping to onclusions?

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My wife then started looking in her hand bag for a tissue and tipped the contents out onto the coffee table, what fell out amongs other things was the instructions from a box of condoms. I asked her why this was in her bag and she said my 4 year old must have put it in there from our bedroom drawer.. There were no condoms just the instructions.

So her explanation is that your four year old happened on the condom instructions while casually looking through the bedroom drawer and thought: "hmmm, not sure what this piece of paper is about but it sure looks like it belongs in Mom's handbag, so I'll just put it in there for her without saying anything."

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You have her under a microscope. I'm a big believer of trusting your gut, however, none of these things are red flags. This started prior to the ATM incident, you wouldn't even know about the time discrepancy if you weren't making her account for every minute of every day. So what changed a long time ago that made you so distrustful? Did she become distant? Unhappy? That is what your gut is zoning in on and you are turning it into fantasy of infidelity. You should focus on that.

 

The condom instructions thing is a none issue. No one would.save the instructions. It is something a child would do, tear up a box and put some of the contents into a bag.

 

The thing that worries me the most is your need to account for her every moment. This is highly controlling behavior and borders on abuse. I'm sure that you love her and would never want to hurt her. But you can't control women this way. It breaks our spirit.

 

Please talk to her. Stop accusing and grilling her. Just talk to her about the overall health of the relationship and your mutual happiness.

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I agree that you sound overly paranoid. If there have been no other problems/concerns in a 8 year marriage, it's a bit puzzling why you would get so suspicious about an ATM receipt with the time a little off that you would start an investigation over it. So while I don't know if she's cheating or not, to answer your question, I do think you're jumping to conclusions based on the information you've provided.

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One of the reasons that people get away with cheating is that when you find circumstantial evidence that in itself isn't conclusive you will be accused of being controlling or paranoid. That leads you to put away your suspicions unless you actually find your spouse in the act - and even then you are likely to be blamed for it.

 

Now it is possible that she isn't cheating - but the evidence you have is strong grounds for suspicion and you should be very wary especially as she will now be even more careful to cover her tracks if she is in fact cheating. Don't be lulled into complacency by starting to blame yourself - I think your suspicions are rational and her behaviour is, to say the least, very sketchy.

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I think you have some reason for suspicion based on the fact that she is lying to you. As you mentioned, why is she lying about things that are so trivial (really) if she is doing nothing wrong?

 

So if I were in your position, I would most likely be wondering what she is hiding too. It may not be cheating. It may not be anything all that important, even. But you also mentioned your wife has trouble expressing her feelings - is it common for her to tell white lies to avoid talking about stuff?

 

Are you a jealous guy?

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like DN, i find her explanations suspicious. they just sound strange.... don't quite have the 'ring of truth' to them.

 

one thing that crossed my mind for the ATM is that there might have been a time change, and the computer system might not have updated. but that doesn't explain condom instructions?? interesting to blame it on a 4 year old. i find this all suspicious, honestly. and since you are gone a lot, i think it does give her opportunity to cheat, if she wishes.

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"Evidence" presented in this particular forum if often weak (and, of course, completely one-sided). The "evidence" in this case is extraordinarily weak.

 

i think men typically carry around 1 or 2 condoms in their wallet at all times, just in case, and sometimes its in there because they forgot about it. at least, that's what i've noticed with single men. as for women, the fact is, we change purses just about every day (to match our outfits and the occasion), and usually something is in there because we've placed it in there. most women don't carry around condoms 'just in case' - especially if they are married women and their husband is away on a business trip.

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I don't mean to sound mean, but I will, so apologies are in order.

 

I have dated guys like you, and it was an absolute nightmare. I have an audiovisual memory. I don't remember times, and I have trouble remembering places and directions. I can recite an entire conversation for lunch, but if you ask me at what time I was driving home and which street I took, 3 out of 4 times I'll get it wrong.

 

I try to be honest, I try to be open, but if an hour difference turns into a constant dialogue for days, I would become stubborn as well. For me, with my audio visual memory, if I say I left work at 2:15, it's because 1:15 is when my classes are over and then I have around an hour of paperwork. On thursdays, the right answer would be 11:20, but I don't care about that, because it would be too much trouble for me to remember which day of the week it is at the same time as remembering what time it is. I pay attention to getting my work done on time and my obligations done for the day, beyond that I am really NOT in the mood for an INTERROGATION.

 

Him: When did you go to the atm?

Her: Oh, around 2:15, I already told you.

Him: Really, right here it says 11:30! GOTCHA!

Her: Ok, so you know, why are you asking me?

Him: So you admit that you lied?

Her: No, as far as I remember it was around 2:15.

Him: So you are suggesting that the machine lied?

Her: No, I'm suggesting that this is a stupid conversation and I'm going to bed.

 

Him: Good morning.

Her: Good morning.

Him: so are you going to explain to me why you lied about the time you went to the ATM?

Her: sure. I left work at 11:15, had sex in the car with 15 random men I met on the internet, and I didn't want you to know, so I lied about the time. Afterwards I took the information card from the condoms and saved it in my purse in case I needed it later. Then i went to the toilet and locked myself in because I had to have sex with two other men and also shoot some heroin.

 

Is that the story you want to hear?

 

Add to that, I'm disorganized. There are random objects that have been kicking around my purse for years. I don't even know what's down there. When I'm in the train and starving, sometimes I look for one of the individually packed bisquites I've been collecting there from cafes around the world. Sometimes paperwork finds its way there from other people, and I have been known to quickly stow away embarrassing objects there if kids are around. Pictures of male genetalia? I could totally understand why that would end up in the purse.

 

Here's a neat anecdote. One ex, he was really interested in knowing everything about me. He learned, for instance, that I couldn't use one particular kind of feminine hygiene product. When he "happened to notice" that I had a box of tampons there, he was upset at my incredible lack of honesty and dumped him. I COULD have told him that I had bought them years ago by mistake, but left them in my locker at work because some girls would sometimes need them, and just cleared out my locker blahdadieblahdadiebladadie, but since I was sure he would just ask me what day of the week it was at that time, and I was already TIRED of being defensive all the time, I just let him go.

 

Are you going to seriously question your wife about why she locked herself in the toilet? I have two probable answers why a woman would do that. Number one, and number two.

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Interesting how some people blame the suspicious spouse until the cheating is proven and then turn around and blame them for being oblivious to the evidence when the cheating is confirmed. I still maintain the OP has reasonable grounds for his suspicions and should be very attuned to his wife's future conduct. That is not controlling or paranoid - it is just sensible.

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It's weak evidence because it doesn't make sense as evidence.

 

If she was having an affair, and she bought and used up an entire box of condoms, you don't think she'd also throw out the instructions if she was intent on hiding her deed?

 

Have you ever chased around a 4 year old? I had in my care one lovely young girl who loved flushing books down the toilet. Later she moved on to cloth things, mostly underwear.

 

I had another young boy in my care for several months who had a fascination with cardboard. he would rip it up into neat squares and hide them in shoes. I could tell the sitter was lazy by shaking out the shoes.

 

I've had incidents, running out the door with a tired little kid, where I'd notice they were holding onto something they shouldn't; a sock, a penny, their bottle from the morning, my massager; and I'd wouldn't bother to run through the house yet again to put whatever it was in its proper place. I'd just throw it into my suitably gigantic catch all bag and move on with my day.

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DN, who, exactly, blames the suspicious spouse and then blames him for being oblivious? Can't say I've ever seen that happen.
The first part seems to be happening in this thread. Here we have a wife who lies and who has instructions for condoms in her purse and yet people are saying that isn't cause for suspicion and therefore he is controlling and paranoid. You yourself say that if she was cheating she would have thown them out which is a strange inversion of logic. It's like saying that someone found with a stabbing victim's blood on their clothing couldn't be the murderer otherwise they would have disposed of the evidence and therefore the fact that the blood is there must mean they are innocent.
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regarding the ATM story - what i don't understand is why she lied to him. I understand if on the phone at work she said she would stay at work until 12:30, but wondering why she lied to her husband when she got home! i agree with DN - it's not 45 minutes that is a big deal - it's why she is lying about it. why is she lying about it?? if she was lying about leaving work early to her coworkers (who would have seen her leave, i presume!!) - why lie to her husband?

 

the thing about the condom instructions that gets me isn't what is there - but it's what's not there.... condoms. Where did they go? or did the 4 year old forget to put those in the purse too?? and this after this office party where the sister admitted there were some flirtatious guys there, something was going on....

 

i think that the biggest thing of all is his gut feeling - once people get that 'gut feeling' - it usually means that the cheating has been going on for several months.

 

I have to say that i am not a suspicious/paranoid person by nature - i am fairly trusting - but i have to say that all of these stories are not adding up for me - something is wrong here.

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That is how I am seeing it so far, too.

 

Another thing that worried me - and I think bringing up the possibility that the OP may be controlling/possessive was good, bc it is a possibility - was how he mentioned he feels his wife is poor at expressing her feelings while he feels he is an open book.

 

Now, if the OP actually is a controlling or jealous kind of dude, and we are looking at the situation as he describes it; hmm, well if that there were me and he were being controlling (and not just me, but pretty much anyone who isn't either passive or passive aggressive or abused/in an victim mentality) would call him out on it then.

The choice to dance around things and lie - that is her choice. She could say "that's not your business" "that's ridiculous hun, why are you trying to keep such close tabs on me, what is going on?" or anything that calls attention to the fact that she could be feeling controlled.

 

Instead, she lies. Which to me, that choice in itself makes me more suspicious. Bc if you can't handle things heads on, and you are passive aggressive like that, often times it's not beneath you to sneak and cheat either. It's one more jump to that sort of inconsistency of what you say and what you do.

 

Not trying to make the OP paranoid or jump to conclusions; only saying, I would be suspicious too. And he needs to know why all this is going on and have his mind put at ease one way or another.

 

What do you do when someone won't be upfront with you? What are your real choices? You have to with your gut, and what you think and feel.

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