It's Time To Value Yourself- Thekid55

I've been in your shoes before. I have sat on ENA for literally hours on end, hoping and praying that I'll find the magic answer to getting my ex back. I have read all of the threads about getting back together. I have read all of advice given by the moderators and some of the stalwarts on this site. But I realized that until I start valuing myself again, the best advice in the world wouldn't help me.

Think about that for a second.

How many of us know what we should do concerning our exes? How many of us have made mistakes along the way because we chose to let our emotions get the best of us? I bet almost everyone can stand up and raise their hand. This is simply because we are not valuing ourselves and accepting second rate treatment. We are allowing someone else to sit on OUR pedestal. We are allowing someone else to control OUR emotions. We are allowing someone else to decide whether we will be happy or sad on a particular day. It's time to kick them off that pedestal and firmly put ourselves back on top. You are the master of your own destiny. You control your own happiness. You are a great person.

Believe me, I have made my share of mistakes after each breakup I've had. A few years ago, I was literally the biggest doormat on the planet. I did absolutely everything wrong. A day after we broke up, she began to hookup with another guy. I was hellbent on winning her back because I loved her and since I believed I loved her the most, I was supposed to be with her. Or so I thought. I showed up to my ex's work, only for her to tell me that her 'boyfriend' was taking her out after work. I made plans with her to only have her cancel on me. I would call, text, e-mail, EVERYTHING! I had plans to meet up with her on Thanksgiving to only have her cancel on me. I ruined my family's Thanksgiving that year. At the time, little did I know that it would be my Grandfather's last.

Think about that for a second. Life does not wait or pity anyone

It took me months, but I finally became to value myself again. I realized that I would no longer tolerate second-rate treatment. I told myself that I am better than that! I am a great person. I deserve to be treated like one. I picked myself off of the ground and just moved forward with my life. That didn't mean I completely forgot about my ex, but I accepted that she wasn't meeting my needs and I wasn't going to accept second-rate treatment. I was sitting firmly on MY pedestal again.

Months went by and I did everything for myself again. I went out with my friends. I dated new girls. I had a great time. For the first time in seven months, I had fun. My ex at the time tried to re-enter my life, but I pushed her aside. I didn't want to deal with the games any longer. I valued myself more than that.

Someone once told me that things happen when you least expect them to. At first, I thought that was silly. Why would something good happen when I wasn't expecting it? But then, I watched good things begin to happen. New girls were drawn to my confidence. I had a new group of friends. My family got the real me back. I did things for ME again and everyone took notice. Then something funny happened.

Six months after ending my doormat phase, my ex at the time called me out of the blue and told me something that I would have done anything hear months earlier.

'Not a day goes by when I don't think about you and how wonderful of a man you are. You showed me what love truly was and I will always truly love you'.

I thanked her for those kind words, but I also thanked her for something else. I thanked her for making me what I am today. If she never would have broke up with me and left me as a broken man, I never would have learned how I could pick myself up off of the floor. I learned to value myself again. That gift is the best gift you can ever give yourself.

For anyone looking for the magic answer to get your ex back, there isn't one. You can't force anyone to feel anything for you. But here's what I learned:

Once you begin to value yourself again, good things will happen. Trust me. It could be something as simple as buying a new shirt. Catching up with an old friend. Cleaning out that messy closet that you haven't touched in years. It could be anything that makes YOU feel better again. Start small and let things build up overtime.

I believe that things truly happen for a reason. You and your ex were meant to split up for a reason. Life always seems to humble us at the most inopportune times. I thought I had it all figured out, but I was left in a broken mess. I realized that I did not have it all figured out. However, only I had the power to fix what I could control and only I could move beyond the turmoil. You can do this too!

No one knows what the future may hold, but once you begin to make yourself happy and value yourself again, great things will come your way. I promise.

Before you can ever date someone again, get back together with yourself. Get back together with your self-confidence and self-worth. Everything else will fall into place.

At the end of the day, honestly ask yourself one question:

Will I let someone else sit on MY pedestal?

God Bless.

-Thekid55

Amazing post!! Thanks!!! Now it's time to put myself back on my pedestal.

Thank you for the kind words. You can do it!

Good post, and I totally agree.

Self Respect is the key.

Curious, would you go back to your ex now?

Curious, would you go back to your ex now?

Current ex or the one in my post?

True! Great post!!

The ex in your post, I got curious too, LOL. But anyway, this is a super awesome post, thanks!!

Spot on buddy. It's something we all strive for. And we'll all get there one day.

Totally agree with thekid55. Putting oneself back on the pedestal and giving the ex 'the boot' off the pedestal is one of the hardest changes to make after a breakup and the start of NC, yet it is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself to begin a solid recovery process. It's also, ironically, the best chance to get back with an ex.

There's got to be something about us to love before we can be loved by someone else. You have to know what makes you unique, special, and worth being around. You have to fall in love with YOURSELF first. Only by knowing what you love about yourself will you recognize what you have to offer another person and what another person will see in you. You have to love yourself the way you want someone else to love you.

That's why it's important as ever upon a breakup to crack the whip and get started on restoring the relationship with ourselves. I hear many people trying to rush back into a relationship because they're afraid of losing someone or of being alone, only to repeat the same mistakes that brought the relationship to a grinding halt before. Nothing changed in them or either person. This is where many people get off the ride, trying to control their ex's behavior, when ironically controlling their own behavior (over which they have the power) is what will ultimately maximize the probability of making things better in the future and possibly reconciling. Same result, different (and much better approach).

It's not the easiest thing to do, and I've had my share of challenges in all my years of dating experience. I'm even going through it righ now. But like Kid, I too saw so many more great things 'attract' to me once I was attracted to myself again. I was the one people were not only attracted to, but also the one who had the strength to turn down dates that I could see would go nowhere.

In the end, if you don't' succeed, you still win because you'll be a much better off person. It's really a win-win situation for you.

If you love yourself first, anything is possible.

Great thread - something we are all thriving to achieve. Just wish it hadnt got to that point in the first place!

Great thread - something we are all thriving to achieve. Just wish it hadnt got to that point in the first place!

It has to get to that point for you to see how strong you can really be

Only you can control your emotions.

I think it's the only solution too. Just like thekidd55, i wold have done anything after a break up, to hear my ex wanting me back. But being single after a major break up has been the most amazing time of my life. I lived to the max ( once I healed and I forced myself out of self-pity), i lived to the max every single second, enjoyed every single thing, person, etc. I woke up in the mornings happy and estatic because I had so much more to look forward to that day, not just whether my ex or bf loved me or not. When eventually my ex, after a very long time, came to ask me back, I could not recognise myself: i was bemused, but did not hate him, I just didnt care, and i genuinely wished him good luck but asked him to move on. Amazing how feelings change. If you must do something before you die, do try to become self-suficient, to make yourself happy, to put value on yourself.

Great post!

Totally agree with this post, and it's the way I have finally been able to move on -- realizing what I am worth and reveling in everything that is possible and positive for myself. Once you start believing, you will see results and it makes you realize how awesome you and life is.

The ex in your post, I got curious too, LOL. But anyway, this is a super awesome post, thanks!!

I never got back together with her.

At the time, I was 19 and she was only 18.

The story about her calling me was really ironic though.

On that particular day, a friend and I went to this baseball game. The game was a huge deal and we ended up taking public transportation. Well, typically when you go on the subway here, you get zero cell phone reception. As soon as I got off the subway, my phone started to blow up. I got three different texts from each of the three girls I was dating at the time.

A few minutes later, my ex called me and told me that. I was baffled to the say the least, but that was my closure. I realized that I moved so far beyond her that I knew going back would be a mistake. Why ruin all of the hard work I did when I knew that I couldn't trust her?

After that breakup with her, I really dedicated myself to my school work and exercise. After we broke up, I was 235 pounds. Not a bad 235, but still, not a healthy weight for me. I started running and lost a ton of weight. To this day, I still run regularly to deal with everyday stresses and I can't stress it enough. If you feel upset or down, go for a run/walk/whatever. Release those natural endorphins. I went from 235 three years ago to 190 today. I did everything the healthy way too.

I've always thrived, post-breakup. I already know that I am a prize for any girl. I bring a lot to the table. However, breakups have always made me better in the end.

Use this time to make yourself better and watch good things happen.

Thanks for the link! I feel better already! I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

that's the problem with me, i dunno if i value myself very much after this relationship. I play questions over and over in my head day in and day out....if I'm really the bad person she made me out to be...I ask myself if i really loved her and was a stand up person why would i do the same thing...over and over and over again hurting her more and more every time til i pretty much broke down her wall of self esteem. Who does that...I don't know if it really was just because i was depressed about stuff so i took it out on her a lot or if she helped provide the fire...i never got closure. It has me just running all these questions over and over again and i doubt i'll ever figure the answers out. I do know one thing, if my next relationship i will try a lot harder and make sure not to dabble in the errors i made in my recent one.

I'm sure you were happy before you were in that relationship. Get back to that point and you will be fine.

Bump for anyone who needs it.

Great post OP. Unfortunately in my situation, she's the one who put me on the pedestal during our relationship and is now just starting to see that having me around is not what she wants (and i'm in the opposite boat - having taken her for granted during the relationship and even during the initial stage of separation. Now at 7 months post break-up, I want her back with all of my being).

I just gave her back control and now she has closure, while i'm a wreck. I'm not resenting her for it. Of course I want her to move on with her life and be happy, with or without me. I just wish it wasn't at my expense. Now according to the OP, in order for me to move on, I have to push her back down a notch and regain that pedestal? However, it sounds counter intuitive to me since that is what caused her to break up with me in the first place. I didn't place as much value on her needs as I did myself.

I am confused.

Wow, I bet that any dumpee would wish for their dumper to say what you said. As for u, keep being the 'better' person you have become.. It is very likely that your next relationship will be a much healthier one.. Think of it like this: destiny sent her on your path to make you learn some important things. This equipped, u stand a very good chance of an enriched life spiritually. She has done her bit, and now u have to let her go and continue focusing on living with ur learnings in mind.. All the best xxx

Just great. Could so relate to that as I have just started actually putting myself back on the pedestal. Thanks a million for such great words.