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Thekid55's Healing Journal


thekid55

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Back for another post. Happy Easter to all.

 

Overall, things are pretty quiet. No updates on any major items.

 

I've spent a lot of time meditating at night, going to counselling, reading, self reflecting, etc. I think turning 30 is a wake-up call for a lot of young people. In your 20s, you graduate college, get a drunk a lot, get a first job, fake it til ya make it in almost everything, get your first place, date/get married, etc. Granted, I've been serious about most things in my life, but when 30 hit me, I was like 'Woah, this is a big change.', hence why I'm having some 'identity issues', when it comes to work, but it's a big change that only I can tackle. I will handle it with ease. The "Who Am I?" feeling will fade in time; I just need time to set new goals. No other person can help with this.

 

Also, I've been thinking to myself: Do I miss my wife or do I miss having someone to share the day-to-day moments of my life? Granted, I have many friends, but with dudes, it's typically 'Cool, Bro' and then they go back to their life (rightfully so). This question is something I've been wrestling with as well.

 

I've been watching a ton of stand-up comedy and just letting myself laugh out loud again. It's funny how everyone in today's world is so serious all the time. Everyone is so afraid about offending others, etc. It's refreshing to have a good belly laugh and just to be carefree. I need to laugh more and just be more carefree in general. Granted, when it's time to do my job, I'll get to work, but I want to be open and carefree with everyone in my life and stop being so darn serious all the time.

 

Also, I think it's healthy to have some time to yourself and learn who the 'single you' is. I was reflecting on myself and all of my past girlfriends. From Age 15 until now (30), which spans about 16 years, I've been in a relationship for about 13 of these years, which seems insane. I dated my high school girlfriend for about two years (She's still single, btw, and I don't think she's found anyone better than me. I hope she does, though.) I was single my freshman and senior year of college (I was with my wife for the sophomore, junior years, then from 2011-2019.) I also dated a bunch of random women when I was single, so I got to experience a wide variety of women.

 

Another point to make: All of my LTRs were 'needy'. I've always felt like I have a lot to give, so I smother them with love, attention, support, etc. It gets to the point where they can't move closer to me because I'm the one giving them everything and when the relationship dies, it dies because there's nothing else to give. I think it stems from my rocky relationship with my Mom. She's very codependent on me. It's something that I've talked to my counsellor about and want to work on. I can't have this type of relationship, again.

 

Just from looking at this, I realize I haven't been 'single' that much. Is that a good or bad thing? I don't know. I guess it depends on perspective. Have I made a positive impact on other people's lives and loved these women with all my heart? Yes, I did. Did I learn something in every relationship? Yes.

 

Now is the time to start self reflecting. Granted, I'm still wired about this whole divorce thing, but I'm starting to take a step back and think about what I want for myself/what I want in an 'ideal partner'

 

List qualities that you want/don’t want in a partner

Want: Good communicator, trustworthy, Fun loving, no kids, taller, A giver, easy going, Non-smoker, casual drinker, parents still married (not a requirement because mine aren't), can banter with me, won’t collapse due to low self-esteem

Don’t Want: Insecure, fat, unhealthy, doesn’t exercise, devious, needy, gaslighter, long list of exes

 

For me to 'get' the qualities that I want, I have to become those things. Working on my communication is my #1 goal.

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To have an ideal partner - there is no such thing. the ideal partner is the partner you choose.

Why would a woman want to be with you knowing that you neglected your wife?

and then made a list of the "ideal partner" instead of making a list of what YOU can bring to the table, and what you refused to bring to the table during your marriage.

When i was dating, I first had a clear assessment of what I did to contribute to the end of my previous marriage. No one deserves the abuse i suffered, but i had to be honest on how i tried to make it work and how I erred in choosing - i was past the blame stage. Will you demonize your wife when someone asks why you divorced or will you have growth?

 

Honestly, i don't know any woman who dreams of a man that when you bring your needs to him - tell him what you are missing in the marriage that instead of working on those things, you punish her - you kick her to the curb and then act like she is the one who wronged?

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Well, I got an e-mail from her last night regarding the serving of papers. It came in at around 10:30pm. As prequel to this e-mail, my attorney told me that several attempts were made to serve her at her parents' house, which is where she's living right now. The server encountered her stepdad at one point who was identified as a 'hostile male'. Her stepdad told the server he didn't know when she'd be home. (Lies)

 

(P.S. I have no control on when the servers go to homes, btw.) Anyway, here is her e-mail to me:

 

///

 

Hi thekid55,

 

I was made aware that a process server visited my Mom's house on Good Friday 4/19/19 looking to serve me. Unfortunately, I was not home at the time. I know that if an attempt is made and they are unsuccessful usually other attempts follow. I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be unavailable until Thursday 4/25/19 to accept these papers so any attempts made from now until then will be unsuccessful. I would be available to meet the process server on Friday 4/26/19 if that works. Otherwise, what is easiest is to have your attorney contact my attorney and send him the papers. I have already given you his information but again my attorney is Attorney ABC at 8675309 and his email address is on this email.

 

Thank you,

Her

 

///

 

My attorney is going to try to serve the paperwork to her attorney.

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When I got her e-mail, I felt a sense of relief and some sadness. I'm relieved because this whole process is moving forward, but some sadness because my marriage is coming to a close. Granted, it's been dead for awhile now, but still, it's sad. It's okay to be sad, though. Our lives seemed to going two different directions. Some examples are listed below.

 

1. What Do I Want?: Career-wise, I feel like I'm at an impasse. Over the last year or so, I've discussed moving to a new state with my wife, but she was always reluctant and never was fully behind me. That made me start to think/say to her that I thought we were on 2 different paths. I'm young, highly respected in my field, very good looking, so the sky is the limit for me. I need to have flexibility and I need a partner that is flexible. She has reasons for not wanting to move, which is fine and I respect it. (e.g., She's a teacher, they have good benefits, she has student loans, her family is here)

 

My company was acquired and the acquiring company hasn't given indications on next steps. The big boss of the acquiring company came here last week and I told him that I'm willing to leave New York for a great opportunity. The big boss said I was highly recommended by my peers. In life, when projects/jobs start to become mundane/you lose interest, I used to think it was a bad thing and would try to fight back against it. In fact, now, I think it's a good thing. It shows that you've fulfilled your purpose in that one area---and it's time to start thinking about new things.

 

I've started to do more and more volunteer work to help the community and to also meet new people. Doing this type of work makes me feel great. That may be part of my next purpose in life. We'll see.

 

2. Different Groups of Friends: One other thing to note about the new group of girlfriends---she's been very friendly with this group for about 9 months. They go to the gym together, have gone a few girls' trips together, etc. I've hung out with them a few times, but they aren't my type of crowd and I don't have any desire to hang with them. I know women tend to live through others--and I'm clearly on the outside of this bunch. My wife has also had trouble maintaining friends long-term. She isn't friends with any girls from high school or college, really. On the other hand, I'm still super close to most of the guys I grew up with and went to college with. I've made new friends at work, but we are just very different in these regards.

 

I think it's healthy to have separate friends outside of the relationship, but when things start to fundamentally change, well, then, it makes you wake up.

 

3. Her Phone Log: A few weeks ago, I went through our cell phone logs and saw that she had been calling this one guy constantly. The guy is a friend of a friend (She has a brand new bunch of girlfriends and this friend-of-a-friend is some older, horny orbiter that got arrested for soliciting a prostitute. I only know about him because she tried to set a friend up with him months ago and her friend was disgusted. Once I saw multiple calls to him, I knew something was up. That motivated me to file for divorce. I'm sure this guy is totally blowing up her phone, giving her a ton of attention, etc. Ten years ago, we had our first break-up---and she exhibited some of the same behaviors. (e.g., getting involved with loser guys that gave her attention).

 

4. Family Life: It's been well documented that my core family has fallen apart. That affected my marriage and affected me. But then again, who wouldn't be affected when your parents split after 33 years and your mother is terminally ill? I had to step-up and be the man because I love her and she always took care of me. That's what families do. My wife tried to make me feel bad about this, which is just wrong. If this was her family, it wouldn't have been an issue and she would have argued that I should have done more.

 

Another point: My mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law totally own their husbands. They totally dominate the relationship and her stepdad and grandfather look like complete saps. My wife thought she could totally dominate me too, but that's not going to happen. I'm willing to go 50/50 on things, but I want flexibility in my life. I'm not going to make poor financial decisions just so we can live 5-10 mins away from her Mom. Also, I don't want to feel unfulfilled with my own career. Bottom line, you either control your own life and make your own decisions or let someone else do it for you. If someone else does it for you, you won't like the outcome.

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STOP going through her phone log. You no longer want her. Leave her be. You want to try to make this all about that "she might be cheating" and left you rather than owning the real reason for the breakdown of your marriage.

 

Honestly, you keep spinning things -- you rushed to take care of your ailing mom and she gave you a hard time. Nope, that's not what you mentioned in the first place. You became emotionally embroiled in their divorce and their RELATIONSHIP. If it was merely that mom was ailing and you were the only one to head things up, you would be a present husband, and you would have gone to take care of mom in rotation with other relatives or would have also set up a home health aide. Maybe she would have been a hand on deck as well.

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Had another great weekend.

 

I did 2 volunteer events on Saturday. One with a food pantry and another with low functioning children. The food pantry made me feel grateful and appreciative. A lot of people have fallen on hard times and aren’t as lucky. Therefore, I did everything in my power to work quickly, deliver their grocery order with a smile and keep them laughing. I got to meet a lot of nice people and really felt the love from the pantry goers. I went out of my way to give some extra food when I could. (I have a big heart and it’s not my food anyway :cracksup:) it was a good event and all of the volunteers were really nice. One couple told me that by me giving them a few extra sandwiches, they wouldn’t be hungry on Sunday. That will stick with me for a long time. A lot of the older people were calling me ‘handsome’, ‘baby’, etc. one pinched my butt and one tried to kiss me. It’s all fun and I just wanted to give them a nice experience for something that’s tough in life.

 

The low functioning children event was a different beast all together. It was an open gym setting and I was paired with the lowest functioning kid there. He tried to escape the building several times, didn’t play well with the other kids, etc. some of the team leaders had to step in and help at times, but I did my best. I love meeting the other volunteers at these events. Everyone is so nice and sweet. It makes me feel great.

 

Baseball was rained out today, so I’m ready for a busy upcoming work week!

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Just started laughing about this whole situation today. Over the weekend, my ex called the building manager, requesting access to my apartment because I changed the locks after she kept coming in-and-out without letting me know. The building manager came to me and asked me what to do. I told the manager that she's not permitted in because we're going through a divorce, she moved out, and has all of her possessions. It's just another cry for attention, just like when she called my parents, closed down the bank account, started calling me from a blocked number. :laughs: I sent her a very business-like e-mail, telling her that if she had any questions/requests, have her attorney contact my attorney. She responded an hour later, writing paragraph after paragraph, vomiting her feelings. That e-mail went into the trash can because I'm not getting into any long exchanges with her ever again.

 

Many of you think I'm being 'heartless' or 'cruel'. However, NC is the only option for me. I don't want reconciliation anymore. I don't care what she's doing/who she's doing/where she is/etc. I want to put this entire situation behind me. If I engage her, I reset my healing. I don't want to do that. Each day, I feel much better and much, much stronger. I'm handling things that I can control. This whole process has been a good learning lesson. I paid the price, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, to some degree, but I'm coming out of it as a better man. That will spill over into the other aspects of my life, so it's a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

 

After re-read some of my older posts in this journal, I clearly went against my gut instinct from May 2011 by taking her back. Taking her back was mistake and I let a good chick go. Long-term, it wouldn't have worked out with the good chick, but still, I still went against my gut reaction because my ex knew which buttons to push and I caved. I can't change the past, I can only control the present. Knowing what I know now, I'm better prepared to handle anything life throws at me. My ex and I made some great memories together and I will treasure a lot of the times we had together, but it goes to show that you shouldn't doubt your gut instinct.

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Just capped off another fun weekend of volunteer work. On Saturday, I spent the morning and afternoon working at a bazaar for the vision impaired. I helped set-up tables, guided shoppers, helped out in the kitchen, etc. Not only do I love working with the shoppers/participants, but I enjoy meeting the other volunteers. I met some really cool people who worked at Google, Citibank, etc. Today, I did a 'field trip' for children that live in government housing. The kids ranged from 7-12 years old. We were asked to bring various snacks, money for the field trip and money for pizza. For the field trip, we went to a museum and visited a few exhibits. I was paired with a sweet boy who was in the 3rd grade. He ate all of my snacks and devoured a ton of pizza, lol. Our team leader for this project has been doing volunteer work for 23 years! Most of the volunteers on this project have been together for a long time, so it was good to feel like I was part of their small family.

 

Over the last four weeks, I've completed six different projects (i.e., open gym for middle schoolers, Little League for the Challenger division, food pantry, open gym for low functioning athletes, bazaar for the vision impaired, and field trip for children living in government housing). All of these experiences have been unique and fun. I've made a lot of people smile and I've made a lot of great connections with like-minded people. I've also met some cool girls. Helping out others in need makes me feel great and is also helping me move beyond the pain of my divorce. I will continue volunteering to make more people feel good.

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Hi all, stopping by for another update.

 

Well, I'm currently on my first 'family trip' without my wife. The purpose of this trip is for my Dad to marry the woman he left my Mom for after 33 years of marriage. The ceremony is tomorrow. The marriage will occur in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her.

 

Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well.

 

Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

 

I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me....

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Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

 

.

That's a lot to take in.

Just picture a mental flack jacket that's impenetrable.

Make an appearance and then do something enjoyable for yourself.

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Today went a lot better than I thought it would! I woke up nice and early, met my sister in the lobby, kept her stuff in my room, and treated her to a nice breakfast. My sister said she barely recognized me because I've gotten into such great shape. (I received a lot of compliments throughout the day). Thankfully, she ate a full breakfast and we updated each other on our lives. She was telling me about the new guy she dating, some career updates, etc. I kept things light and jokey; I didn't bring up my wife at all. I talked about work, rehashed old family memories, etc. We were laughing the whole time. After breakfast, we got changed and went to the beach for a few hours. I reserved us a nice cabana and we spent a few hours on the beach together. We swam, hung out, told jokes, etc. Afterwards, we parted and got ready for the wedding.

 

The wedding itself was a little weird. My new stepmom didn't greet us at all. She seemed annoyed, but maybe she was nervous? Who knows. Only the kids (my sister and I plus my stepmom's kids) were invited. The stepmom's kids were very attentive to all of the details associated with the wedding (e.g., carrying stuff around). My sister and I just had to show up and stand there, which was great. We all took some pictures afterwards. My sister and I took some great photos together. She posted them to social media and one of her co-workers thought we were dating LOL awkward. The ceremony was short, it briefly rained, and then we all had a quick drink before dinner. The drinks definitely lighted everyone up; we started to connect more with the stepmom's kids, who are about 10 years younger. We had a nice dinner, cake, and my sister and I finished the night by grabbing one last drink and playing an arcade claw machine (We won a small prize and gave it to a kid, LOL)

 

My sister asked me about my wife several times throughout the day. My sister asked me if I was dating other people and whether I missed my wife. I told her that I'm meeting new people through different avenues (volunteer work, online dating just to chat.) In terms of 'missing her', I told her that things are what they are at this point. I saw her texting my wife at one point. My wife and my sister are close and hung out a few weeks ago. (My wife needed to get some of her things from my sister's house, so she went there and they had lunch. I asked my sister how my wife was and she said that she was doing well, but looked dead tired). At first, I opposed to them talking, but I don't really care anymore. I'm the man and anyone is lucky to be apart of my life.

 

My big takeaway from today: My sister and I had a great day together. Her and I haven't been close, but this experience has brought us together. I had her laughing all day long, I paid her way for all activities, and tried to keep a smile on her face. She seemed relieved and happy all day long. Everything happens for a reason---and maybe this is a way for us to reconnect and build a better relationship. I love my sister and we have such fun together. I'm looking forward to another fun day tomorrow.

 

My Dad seemed generously happy to marry this woman. I don't like her at all and think she's disgusting, but he's happy. I'm happy for my Dad despite my feelings about her personally.

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Well, I'm about to fly home, but I wanted to post one last update.

 

Last night, my Dad and his new wife invited me to dinner. My sister flew home a few hours earlier, so it was only the three of us. I've always had an eerie feeling about these types of meetings because I feel cornered, but I gave it a shot anyway since the weekend was going well.

 

The purpose of the dinner was ultimately to talk about my sister. My Dad and sister have had a rocky relationship since his new wife entered the picture. He started to see her in 2010. Anyway, my Dad and sister were always very close, but things happened when his new wife entered the picture. He wanted to ask me about my sister and seek ways to rebuild the relationship with her. I gave him my honest opinion about the situation. I told him that my sister is very hurt, feels like she's been replaced, etc. My sister has deep psychological issues now, had an eating disorder, etc. I told him that she has to dictate the relationship with him at this point. He started talking about how badly my sister treats him, how she's mean, etc. I re-iterated that my sister is very hurt, is unstable right now, and he has to listen to her and appeal to her emotions. He wasn't having it.

 

Towards the end of the dinner, he said that his relationship with his new wife was the #1 priority in his life. That hit me hard. His actions have shown us that that's the case, but hearing him say it out-loud hurt. I thanked them for dinner and just walked out of the restaurant. I went for an hour-long walk alone. He called me several times and I agreed to meet up with him later in the night.

 

Later in the night, him and I met. I told him that I was hurt by his words (even though his actions have confirmed this words). I always felt like kids should become ahead of any girlfriend, but he kept using the excuse that 'we're adults now, we should live our own lives, blah blah blah'. I agree that we're all adults, but kids don't want to feel like they're in second place to mistress that he married.

 

In closing, I told him that I was angry with his behavior. When I was a child, I observed a lot of his passive behavior and adopted it for myself. This led to a lot of hurt and pain in my relationships because I didn't have proper boundaries. I told him this---and he apologized, saying that he wasn't man enough to see what he was doing. I've unlearned most of those behaviors, but it took me a long time to fix it.

 

Before we left, I told him that we all make decisions. The fact that he chose to marry this woman, despite our reservations and issues with her, would mean that he won't see us as often. We associate her with a lot of bad feelings/memories and seeing him is just something that we feel like we 'have to do'. It's no longer enjoyable. It hurts because we used to love seeing my Dad. He was a great Dad and we always had so much fun together. He was my one 'safe person' in life---and now I feel like I don't have that anymore. It sucks and I'm hurt by all of this. I can't wait to go home.

 

I'm just tired of being hurt. I've spent the last few years being hurt, trying to be there for people, etc. It just sucks and I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

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Definitely feel like the universe is testing me right now. In between the pain of the divorce, which isn’t moving along as quickly as I hoped, some relative job uncertainty, this past weekend with my Dad’s comments and some of my friends just flaking on plans, things aren’t going my way. I do have a lot to be grateful for (e.g., my improved relationship w/ my sis, I’m in the best shape of my life, I’m healthy, volunteer work). Some days, I do miss having someone to share my day-to-day life with. Granted, I have my friends and I’ve started meeting some new people, but I love having someone there on a day-to-day basis. Maybe that’s somewhat codependency? I’ll talk to my counsellor on Thursday about that.

 

Anyway, I’ve had a few periods in my life where I’ve been a Lone Ranger and I’ve had to stare at tough issues head-on. I’ve always come out stronger and came out a more dynamic, resilient person. I do have things to work on (e.g. not saying hurtful things, being more patient, accepting people for who they are, giving my precious time to those who deserve it).

 

The conversation with my Dad, above entry, definitely hurts. I felt like my Mom and Dad have always been my ‘safe people’. I still have both of them, but they’re getting old and a little jaded? I’ll try to love and accept them for who they are.

 

I also started thinking more about the working out and volunteer work. I do feel a lot of pain on the inside, so I’ve been seeking outlets to release it in a healthy way. I can lift, slam, control weights when I work out. I take my pain out on the iron. With volunteer work, the people and kids need my help and guidance. I know they won’t hurt me, so I can just freely give to them.

 

This entry is somewhat of a ramble, but it made me feel better. Until next time....

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Well, back for another update.

 

Yesterday, my Dad called. And needless to say, the conversation didn’t go well and I think our relationship is done. He said he doesn’t want to discuss ‘the past’ anymore and wants to move forward. I agreed with him and told him that I didn’t either. He proceeds to accuse me of bringing up the past during this wedding weekend. I remind him that I only brought it up because he asked me for help with my sister. That comment just let a big argument. At the end of the conversation, I wished him well and told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I don’t like the man he is now.

 

To me, Dad is the leader of the family unit. My Dad, however, never had any boundaries with anyone. He let my Mom steamroll him. He lets his new wife steamroll him. I told him this and he didn’t agree with this at all. I resent him a lot for his behavior. His new wife and her family are just low class people too. I’ve never felt comfortable around them.

 

Oh yeah, also, my boss said I was ‘gambler’ in a big meeting today because I play fantasy sports. I had to correct my boss and say that fantasy isn’t gambling and I don’t go to casinos. That made me feel great. :-)

 

My mother, who is bipolar, is always hounding my sister and I to visit. She’s a total wildcard and just thinking about seeing her gives me anxiety.

 

Just when I think things are starting to turn around, life throws another few curveballs. I’ve ended relationships with my wife, my wife’s family, my Dad, my Dad’s side of the family, my Mom’s side of my family doesn’t like because I don’t visit my Mom as often as they think I should.

 

Maybe this is life’s way to telling me to start over new somewhere else.

 

 

Until next time....

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Going to get a chilly response on this entry, but YOLO.

 

In the last month, I've gone out with three different women. I've done this for a few reasons; I love meeting new people, I'm putting myself out there to take things slowly, and also doing to prove to myself that there are other women out there.

 

Girl #1: I met her at a volunteer event, got her number, and we went out for bar trivia the following week. We hit it off and had fun together. I've been trying to see her again, but she's in grad school and has been super flakey. I told her to contact me when her schedule frees up. She's 27, so a little younger.

 

Girl #2: We used to work for the same company, but in different departments. We met through mutual work friends. Even when I was married, I was attracted to her physically, but also super attracted to her energy. I'm more of an 'old soul' whereas she is just beaming with innocence and youthful energy. I always made excuses to go see her once in awhile and spent time with her work functions. We have a lot of similar interests. We've been out twice; one time in her neighborhood and one time in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we had an amazing night when she came to my neighborhood. We're both into each other, but I'm taking it slow. She knew I was married, but she hasn't asked about my situation. Maybe she spoke to other work people? Who knows, but I did tell her indirectly that there are some things from my past that are firmly in my past and are not a part of present or future (Referring to my marriage, which is just paperwork at this time). She seemed okay with that. She's super, super innocent, so I have to be very, very, very careful here. She just turned 26 and comes from a very strong family background.

 

Girl #3 I met her through online dating. She texts me all day long. She drove to my neighborhood bar to meet me. She lives about an hour away. We hung out for a few hours and had a great time. I've never done online dating, so I was sort of nervous. But we hit it off and had fun. Unlike Girl #2, she does not have that youthful, intoxicating energy. She's 31 and a little jaded. She's a good friend; I just don't see the romance.

 

The situation with Girl #2 reminds me a lot of the situation I wrote about in May 2011. I met this amazing, free-spirited girl (E). E and I were having a great time together. I wrote about how she blew my ex out of the water in every way possible....until my ex came back and I decided to give it another shot. Girl #2 is very similar to E, so I wonder if this is the universe's way of testing me again. We'll see what happens, but I doubt my ex is going to come back. I'm not interested anymore, anyway. There's just been too much drama, emotional damage on both sides, etc.

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Back for another entry.

 

This entry is going to sound a little similar to the one I posted on 5/13/19. In short, the universe is really testing me right now. This has to be the biggest transition period of my life. I'm going through a divorce, my relationship with my Dad/Dad's side of the family, who I've always been close with, fell apart, and I'm dealing with some job uncertainty. I've done a great job at finding new activities and new hobbies (e.g., volunteering, starting softball next week, seeing old friends at wedding over the summer). As a person, I've grown and evolved a ton over the last 2-3 years. Emotionally, I much stronger. I have better boundaries, I'm more assertive, etc. I like these refined qualities. Also, dating has been fun. I've been dating people who are totally different from what I'm used to. It's refreshing and fun.

 

Do I blame myself for any of these changes/challenges in my life? A little bit, but I've grown a lot as a person. I would rather this happen at 30 when I don't have any kids, major life expenses, etc.

 

I do think of my ex from time-to-time, but it's not as frequent as it used to be. I feel much stronger in general, I'm in the best shape of my life, etc. I'm volunteering and impacting the community. I feel good even though I feel like the tests are coming more and more frequently.

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Going to get a chilly response on this entry, but YOLO.

 

In the last month, I've gone out with three different women. I've done this for a few reasons; I love meeting new people, I'm putting myself out there to take things slowly, and also doing to prove to myself that there are other women out there.

 

Girl #1: I met her at a volunteer event, got her number, and we went out for bar trivia the following week. We hit it off and had fun together. I've been trying to see her again, but she's in grad school and has been super flakey. I told her to contact me when her schedule frees up. She's 27, so a little younger.

 

Girl #2: We used to work for the same company, but in different departments. We met through mutual work friends. Even when I was married, I was attracted to her physically, but also super attracted to her energy. I'm more of an 'old soul' whereas she is just beaming with innocence and youthful energy. I always made excuses to go see her once in awhile and spent time with her work functions. We have a lot of similar interests. We've been out twice; one time in her neighborhood and one time in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we had an amazing night when she came to my neighborhood. We're both into each other, but I'm taking it slow. She knew I was married, but she hasn't asked about my situation. Maybe she spoke to other work people? Who knows, but I did tell her indirectly that there are some things from my past that are firmly in my past and are not a part of present or future (Referring to my marriage, which is just paperwork at this time). She seemed okay with that. She's super, super innocent, so I have to be very, very, very careful here. She just turned 26 and comes from a very strong family background.

 

Girl #3 I met her through online dating. She texts me all day long. She drove to my neighborhood bar to meet me. She lives about an hour away. We hung out for a few hours and had a great time. I've never done online dating, so I was sort of nervous. But we hit it off and had fun. Unlike Girl #2, she does not have that youthful, intoxicating energy. She's 31 and a little jaded. She's a good friend; I just don't see the romance.

 

The situation with Girl #2 reminds me a lot of the situation I wrote about in May 2011. I met this amazing, free-spirited girl (E). E and I were having a great time together. I wrote about how she blew my ex out of the water in every way possible....until my ex came back and I decided to give it another shot. Girl #2 is very similar to E, so I wonder if this is the universe's way of testing me again. We'll see what happens, but I doubt my ex is going to come back. I'm not interested anymore, anyway. There's just been too much drama, emotional damage on both sides, etc.

 

 

Back for another entry. I went out with Girl #2 again last week. She came out of her way to visit me again. We need another great night that encompassed drinks and a light dinner. All of our conversations have been light, jokey, and fun since we both tend to drink. However, I asked her straight up if there's anything she was wondering about. She said no. I told her that I wanted to address the elephant in the room (my divorce). I kept it super high-level, told her that it was simply paperwork at this time and that old relationship is dead. She seemed totally cool w/ it and didn't really care because she was having fun w/ me. This was a huge relief. I didn't want her to think I was hiding something, was a bad guy, etc. She's a little bit younger and is not as experienced with dating as I am. I do wonder if dating an inexperienced girl is a good or bad thing. It's good in the sense that they aren't as jaded. It's bad that you have to lead them 99% of the time. I like this chick, so we'll see what happens. She went on family vacation for a week and texted me yesterday before we left. I wished her and told her to send me pictures.

 

Girl #1 re-appeared on Saturday. I'm planning to see her next week. She apologized for 'being busy' with school and stuff. She's also going away on vacation this week. She's cool too, so we'll what happens there.

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Slow your roll. You are not over your wife and you are not divorced yet (as far as i know). part of the reason your marriage broke down was emotional neglect. So please stay single for awhile -- figuring out who you are on your own as a divorced man - vs jumping into a rebound relationship.

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Hi all,

 

My best friend got engaged, so heading to my hometown today for a celebration at a local brewery. Just like the situation w/ my Dad wedding, this is my first 'friend event' without my wife. I've told three of my closest friends (guys I grew up with) about the divorce, but I haven't seen them yet. I'll see them today. All three friends support me 100%. I'm sure other people will ask me about what's going on. I'll just tell them "It didn't work out" or "We just grew apart" to avoid any long explanations.

 

I don't feel as nervous/anxious about this event like I did with my Dad's wedding. Maybe it's because of the people involved? Maybe because I know my friends won't judge me and will just support me. Still, I do feel some shame in having a 'failed marriage' attached to me, but that shame isn't as bad as it used to be.

 

My wife doesn't have to deal with these types of situations because she doesn't have any long-term friends like I do. I've known about 90% of my friends since I was 18 years old while my wife only has friends from the last year or so. At this point, I can only worry about myself and I will have a great day today.

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Going to get a chilly response on this entry, but YOLO.

 

In the last month, I've gone out with three different women. I've done this for a few reasons; I love meeting new people, I'm putting myself out there to take things slowly, and also doing to prove to myself that there are other women out there.

 

Girl #1: I met her at a volunteer event, got her number, and we went out for bar trivia the following week. We hit it off and had fun together. I've been trying to see her again, but she's in grad school and has been super flakey. I told her to contact me when her schedule frees up. She's 27, so a little younger.

 

Girl #2: We used to work for the same company, but in different departments. We met through mutual work friends. Even when I was married, I was attracted to her physically, but also super attracted to her energy. I'm more of an 'old soul' whereas she is just beaming with innocence and youthful energy. I always made excuses to go see her once in awhile and spent time with her work functions. We have a lot of similar interests. We've been out twice; one time in her neighborhood and one time in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we had an amazing night when she came to my neighborhood. We're both into each other, but I'm taking it slow. She knew I was married, but she hasn't asked about my situation. Maybe she spoke to other work people? Who knows, but I did tell her indirectly that there are some things from my past that are firmly in my past and are not a part of present or future (Referring to my marriage, which is just paperwork at this time). She seemed okay with that. She's super, super innocent, so I have to be very, very, very careful here. She just turned 26 and comes from a very strong family background.

 

Girl #3 I met her through online dating. She texts me all day long. She drove to my neighborhood bar to meet me. She lives about an hour away. We hung out for a few hours and had a great time. I've never done online dating, so I was sort of nervous. But we hit it off and had fun. Unlike Girl #2, she does not have that youthful, intoxicating energy. She's 31 and a little jaded. She's a good friend; I just don't see the romance.

 

The situation with Girl #2 reminds me a lot of the situation I wrote about in May 2011. I met this amazing, free-spirited girl (E). E and I were having a great time together. I wrote about how she blew my ex out of the water in every way possible....until my ex came back and I decided to give it another shot. Girl #2 is very similar to E, so I wonder if this is the universe's way of testing me again. We'll see what happens, but I doubt my ex is going to come back. I'm not interested anymore, anyway. There's just been too much drama, emotional damage on both sides, etc.

 

Went out w/ Girl #1 again last night. Due to finals, work, and a family vacation, I haven't seen her in a few weeks. Still, she re-initiated plans with me a week ago, confirmed with me yesterday morning, and went out for a fun bingo night and drinks. I like her a lot. She's super, super busy w/ grad school, work, spends a lot of time w/ her family. She kept telling me that she wasn't 'ghosting me'; things have just gotten crazy in her life. Aka she's a successful girl with a busy life. I dig her. She digs me. She's not the type of girl who will blow up your phone constantly with texts, which is nice. She suggested another date venue in the future, so I can tell she's interested. For her, I think I just have to play this one cool and see where it goes. I can't move as fast w/ her.

 

Girl #2 just got back from a family vacation as well. I'll likely see her soon.

 

I told Girl #3 about my situation and she reacted very coldly. She acted as if I was diseased in a way. Gonna let her go. I didn't see her long-term potential in her. She's older, so she's probably want to settle down much quicker. Therefore, I can understand her not being interested anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dropping by for another update....

 

I had to text my ex last week regarding some divorce stuff. She was texting my sister about it, so I took the imitative and just reached out to my ex, told her if she had any questions, let me know. She was super angry about everything. There was a breakdown in communication between the attorneys, so she started blaming me, etc. I told her that we both wanted to this move forward, so just worked with her attorney and I'll keep her updated on my side. I didn't argue, get upset w/ her, etc. I can tell she's hurting/upset about this. At this point, I can't whether or not she's going to be vengeful or not. The fact that I took very good care of her is probably irrelevant at this point.

 

My ex is just a different person; some of it is my own doing. I definitely took my eye off the ball and didn't handle my own family stuff. However, she started hanging around a new group of friends that are just trashy. She's become one of them now, so it's like I'm dealing with a totally different person. Also, her lashing out at my Mom and Dad wasn't cool. My Mom and Dad aren't perfect by any means, but our marriage was between my ex and I. She should direct all of the blame/pain at me.

 

I've been hanging out with Girl #2 a lot. Once she got back from her trip, she reached out immediately and we seen each other four times over the last 2 weeks. I invited her to a fun casino-night fundraiser (she had a blast), we went to a baseball game, did a comedy show, and did a Happy Hour. She brought me back a souvenir from her trip and showed me a lot of really cool pictures. Even though we've been hanging for a short time, I'm into her. She's a lot different from my ex; she's more fun-loving, open-minded, low stress, etc. She doesn't have much relationship/dating experience, but I don't view that as a red flag anymore.

 

I'm seeing Girl #1 tomorrow night. Should be fun.

 

I started softball on Saturday. I've always loved playing baseball/softball, so it was great to get back out there and play. I got to meet some new friends, too, which was great. We play doubleheaders every Saturday morning. We lost the first game, but won the second game. I hit the game-winning home run in the second game. Great feeling. One of the guys on the team got injured pretty badly, so I helped carry him to the car after the game. Just trying to be a good friend as I move forward with my life.

 

In terms of work, we moved to a new office last week. The new office stinks. Everyone is in job limbo. I'm sticking it out now solely for the potential severance package.

 

Until next time....

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Dropping in for another update for the holiday weekend...

 

Saw Girl #1 last week. We went to an arcade, played games, had a few drinks, and just had fun. It was our third date. We kissed a few times, kept it light, etc. She's so busy with school and stuff that I can't tell whether she's just busy or has low interest. Her actions show me she's interested, but she doesn't chase. I sent her a text the day after our date, told her I had fun, and asked her to reach out when her schedule clears up..No response. Oh well, just going to let this one go. I can tell she likes me, but may purposely trying to create space.

 

Saw Girl #2 a few times last week. Went out for drinks mid-week. Saw her over the weekend. She invited me to a fun concert in some really great seats. Some of her friends came along, but I didn't get pressed with questions which was night. I met up with her later that evening and met a different group of friends. She was buying me drinks the entire night, was all over me, etc. I stayed with her that night and we had an amazing time together. All of her friends are good peeps. I hit it all really well with the girls and the guys in her friend group. It's good to be-friend the girls, but the guys are the critical part because typically, they don't like newcomers. I knew this going in, so I spent extra time with the guys, just letting them talk, interjecting once in awhile, etc.

 

Overall, I just love this girl's energy. I'm more stoic, strong, confident, etc. She's just beaming with energy, enthusiasm, life, etc. Our energies match-up super well. This girl is super into me and I think she's starting to fall in love....We'll see what happens, but I'm totally playing it cool with her, going with the flow, giving her plenty of time/space. I like her a lot too, but I'm trying to be smart here....

 

I met two new girls last week; both were busts. Online dating is such a waste of time. I paid the tabs for both dates and didn't talk to either chick again. I tried to pull some travel/vacation ideas out of each of them, but that was about it. LOL. It's better to meet people in real life/your social circle.

 

Softball has been going well. I'm making a lot of really cool new friends on the team, we went out for drinks after the game, etc. Everyone wanted to exchange Instagram info (LOL). It's important for me to develop these friendships, especially since most of my long-term friends live in other cities. The softball friends are a diverse, cool bunch.

 

I'm still going to counselling once per month. The counselor thinks I'm doing really well. This is healthy and good. I plan to keep going.

 

Going to visit Mom and see some friends for the holiday weekend. I'm optimistic and know it will be good a weekend. Until next time.....

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Hi all,

 

Stopping by for another update. If you're in the U.S., hope you had a great 4th of July!

 

I took the plunge and went to visit my Mom for 5 days! A year ago, if you would have told me I'd do this, I'd say you're crazy! Anyway, I traveled 3 hours down to see her on Wednesday, July 3rd and I stayed until this morning, Sunday, July 7th. Health-wise, my Mom is in really rough shape. She lives on her own in a 55-and-older community, but I don't know how much longer she'll be able to live this way. She uses a walker full-time and can't even get into her bed. She has to sleep on an electronic reclining chair. It's a hell of a way to live, but she's tough and pushes through. I helped her with all of her errands, fixed things around the house, took her on a few fun car rides in her nice van, and just tried to make her laugh as much as possible.

 

I haven't seen her in a long time, nearly a year. My relationship with her has been rocky for years. She didn't handle the divorce with my Dad well, at all. She became despressed and suicidal. Honestly, I think her Multiple Sclerosis changed her brain chemistry in ways I can't comprehend. Her and I used to have fights and arguments because I wanted to just 'to be normal' instead of just accepting who she is. Regardless of her life circumstance, she has always wanted to best for my sister and I. She has always wanted us to be happy and to be together. I love her for that and I will spend more time with in the future.

 

I saw some high school friends and I saw Girl #2 down near my Mom as well. Girl #2 was visiting friends and we met up one night. She was sick, so it was a quick visit. Seeing my high school friends and going to old hangouts just isn't for me anymore. I left that 'high school bubble' nearly 15 years ago--and just moved on with my life. A lot of my old friends are still stuck in that bubble, telling stupid high school stories about stupid high school people that I just don't care about anymore. I try to be cordial and laugh, but my life has totally moved in a new direction. I accept my friends for who they are as people, but it's clear why we aren't as close anymore.

 

Overall, in this journal, I think my biggest takeaway is to just love and accept people for who they are. The more you try to 'change them' into who you want thtem to be, the more disappointed you'll be.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Dropping by for another update.

 

The last few weeks have been....interesting.

 

Last night, we had to put down our family dog. She was 13-years-old and was a great dog. She had a great temperament and we loved her very much. She lived with my Mom and kept her company. We took her to the pet hospital, vet, etc. Ultimately, our dog was having heart and liver failure, so we didn't want her to suffer anymore. My Mom was a wreck, but I called her multiple times today. She felt better with every call. She wanted to send my Dad a nasty e-mail because he refused to help with vet bills, but I talked her out of it. She'll always have great memories of our dog. She was great and is in a better place.

 

Luckily, last weekend, I went down to visit my Mom and sister again. I had to move a few things from my sister's house. I also got to spend some quality time with my Mom and our dog. Our dog wasn't acting like herself and I could tell something was wrong. Thankfully, I got to spend some time with her and gave her a big hug before I left. I knew that may be the last time I saw her.

 

The divorce is moving along. I made a settlement offer today. I doubt she takes it, but the process is moving forward.

 

I also joined a new gym and have been getting some great workouts in. My weight is down to 196 pounds and my body fat is very low. I'm in the best shape of my life. I couldn't be happier with how I look and feel. Somedays, I look and feel like Superman. Still playing softball and building new friendships.

 

In terms of dating, I've been spending time with Girl #2. Our dates are fun. We'll see where this goes. I've mentioned this numerous times, but she's inexperienced-dating wise. Earlier this week, I made plans with her for Friday night, but those plans didn't work out. She also made plans for happy hour with friends and I decided not to go. I felt like a second choice when I've been showing her, with my actions, that I'm making her priority. I'm going to back off of her a little bit.

 

I have a few friend weddings coming up. It'll be good to celebrate with friends and just have fun.

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