Jump to content

Open Club  ·  96 members  ·  Free

Journals

Thekid55's Healing Journal


thekid55

Recommended Posts

Back for another update. The divorce is in the final stages. We're finishing up negotiations. I've been sporadically texting my ex, making sure that her attorney is getting e-mails from my side. Everyone is 100% business on both sides. No drama. This is good.

 

Two weeks ago, I won a cool baseball trip to California. I'm leaving next week. It's a unique, all-expenses-paid trip. One night is concert, the next night is a baseball game, and the final night is a pool party. Should be a lot of fun.

 

I went to a friend wedding last weekend and took Girl #2 with me. Girl #2 was great and fit in very well. This friend wedding was with an established group of people that I've been friends with 20+ years. Sometimes, in these group settings, new comers can be rebuffed, but my friends loved Girl #2. We had fun dancing, eating, drinking, mingling, etc.

 

Softball ended last weekend. It was a fun season. I made some cool new friends. I'm ready to start playing again in the fall.

 

I had a death in the family last weekend, so I'm heading to my hometown in a few days for a funeral. Life happens, but things are getting better and better for me. I still have some job uncertainty, but I'm getting paid.

Link to comment

Quick update time....

 

1. I had to go home yesterday for my Uncle's funeral. He was 65-years-old and wasn't in great health. I did my best to be compassionate and be there for my extended family. They had a very nice service and a small lunch afterwards.

 

2. My ex and I agreed to terms associated with the divorce. I have to pay her alimony for a year, which stinks, but at this point, it is what it is. Over the last week, we've been talking directly to each other--and have sped up the divorce process. Her attorney is drafting all of the paperwork, which is good, and saves me attorney fees.

 

Overall, the whole divorce process just stinks. No one wins, except the attorneys. All of the hardwork/time/effort that was spent on saving, investing, etc. is totally ripped apart. The team concept of the relationship is obviously over and both sides just work in their best interest. I can say that I did everything in my power to take care of her, financially. During the course of our 10-year relationship (married for 5), I purchased her 2 cars, gave her her dream engagement ring, dream wedding, great vacations, made her safe/loved, paid off $50,000 of her student loan debt, etc. (And I still have to pay her alimony....)

 

Despite my tone in this journal, I can say that I loved her with all my heart and don't have any regrets. Yes, I was hurt and upset at times, but that's just part of the process. Looking back, I should acted when I felt the relationship starting to slip away, but as I saw with my parents, I stuck it out and thought things would get better. I don't like to quit and give up, but sometimes, you just have to accept that you, yourself have changed and your partner has changed. You have to let each other go when you feel this because that's destiny's way of telling you to move in a different direction. We both obviously need different parents in our lives, so I hope she finds that.

 

We'll see what happens with Girl #2, but she's very different from my ex. She's 4-years-younger, much softer/more feminine, and comes from a strong family background. Girl #2 defers to me a lot---and I've learned that I must be the leader in the relationship. I stopped leading with my ex and that's when things got screwy. I can't mess that up, again.

Link to comment

My wife’s douche ex that I wrote about the first few pages of this journal? Yeah, well, she follows the guy again on social

Media. One of my friends told me and I just laughed. We’ve come full circle. The douche is married and has a 1-year-old daughter. YOLO.

Link to comment

Back for another update....More family drama...

 

Yesterday, I was having breakfast and I received a very angry phone call from my Dad. My Dad, by nature, is not an angry man. He started yelling immediately--and I asked him what the problem was...

 

Dad: "Thekid55, we need to talk."

Thekid: "Ok, what's up?"

Dad: "I heard you were saying disrespectful things about my new wife at the funeral."

Thekid: "Huh? Like what?"

Dad: "Your level of disrespect is unreal. You promised we would move on, blah blah blah"

Thekid: "Dad, I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not doing drama anymore. Good bye."

 

He sends me a few texts later about how I said disrespectful things to my aunt/uncle about his new wife at my Uncle's funeral, which he didn't attend, mind you. I told him that if he wanted to talk, he should give me a call. If he choose not to call me, I will take that to mean he doesn't care about my side of things. (He never called).

 

After I hung up, I was replaying the discussion I had with my aunt/uncle about his new wife. I didn't say anything mean or terrible about the new wife. Granted, this is the woman that he cheated on my Mom with. Rather, I just told them that I didn't like her at all, mainly due to her actions (e.g., cheating with my Dad, who was a married man at the time, using religion to justify her actions, some inappropriate comments she's made about my sister and I, how he called her a prostitute when my Mom busted him cheating), but I would tolerate her in order to have a relationship with my Dad. Her actions were in direct conflict with values/morals, but I was willing to look beyond that because I love my Dad, despite how hurt and upset my Mom still is over it. My sister and I voiced our concerns/displeasure with her for years before they got married, but he never listened.

 

I had a nice time with my aunt/uncle at the funeral and we had some nice talks. We even talked about getting together during Christmas time, so I'm even more shocked the my worlds were twisted. My aunt/uncle have always been hot and cold people. Sometimes, they are very sweet and helpful. Other times, they are dramatic. I've always kept them at arm's-length. My uncle has a bad relationship with his own son, so I'm sure he's enjoying the turmoil that my Dad and I are going through.

 

I sent my an aunt a text, which said: "Hi aunt, I don't know what was communicated to my Dad about his new wife, but I told you guys that I don't like her at all, purely due to her actin, but I tolerate her in order to have a relationship with my Dad. I've said that to him countless times. It seems like my words were completely twisted for some reason, which is shocking because I thought we had a nice visit and everyone seemed very excited about the Florida trip. At this point, I'm cutting contact because I don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Wishing everyone nothing, but the best. Thanks again for everything." (No response from her, not surprising.)

 

During the time I spent with aunt/uncle, they made some off-color comments about my sister who overcame her divorce, eating disorder, money issues (she's working 55 hours per week.) Did I go running to tell other people? Nope. Did I communicate to Aunt/Uncle that their comments were inappropriate? Yes.

 

Over the last six months, I've spent a lot of time trimming 'the fat' from my life. Whether it be in the gym (Dropped 20 pounds, got ripped), people (bad friends, toxic family members, ex-wife, her nutty family), it's been a lot, but it's making me a better person. I've added a lot of good things (e.g., in great physical shape, new friends, new girl, reconnecting with old friends), so it's all good even it's a small bump in the road. I can't control what other people say/do; I can only control myself.

 

Honestly, screw these people. There's a good reason why I've always kept them at length.

Link to comment

Here's a general timeline of how things have played out over the last year:

 

• Summer 2018: I start having doubts about the marriage and my overall direction in life. I expressed to my wife that I wanted to start going to counselling to deal with some personal issues (e.g., my parent’s divorce, career things that had me feeling down). My wife doesn’t think this is a good idea and is afraid of divorce. I decide against going to counselling and try to work on things with her directly. Instead, she starts building a new social circle of girlfriends. I don’t have any desire to hang with them. We start spending a lot of time apart. Looking back on it, this was her way of building a safety net.

 

• Fall 2018: My wife and I start engaging in bigger arguments/fights. I was still dealing with unresolved issues from my parents’ divorce. To rectify, I start going to counselling for weekly sessions and start a very good workout routine. Counselling definitely helps me. I start feeling better, but I’m still dealing with pain from my parent’s divorce and job uncertainty. I tell my wife that I won the problems that have resulted from my parents' divorce/how its affected me. She's happy with my progress... my wife and I start having really good sex. I turn 30-years-old.

 

• Early 2019: I ask my wife to just be more compassionate. Instead, she drills me with questions all the time. We start separating our assets, I’ve checked out of all family events with her family. At this point, we’ve totally lost track of our romantic and friendship side of our relationship.

 

• March 2019: Wife moves out, refuses to give me money for joint expenses. I’m left with $45,000 in bills that I need to figure out how to pay. Wife goes haywire on my family and blames them for the way things are.

 

• April 2019: I file for divorce after I realize she’s running up credit card debt under my name and refuses to give me any money. I start spending a lot of time in counselling, reading, self help stuff, etc. I keep going to the gym.

 

• Spring 2019: I start to rebuild my life as the divorce continues. I start volunteering, connecting with old friends, making new friends, doing softball. My Dad gets re-married. Issues with him/new wife emerge. We ultimately fixed things, but it was a temporary fix.

 

• Summer 2019: I re-connect with my Mom. I visited her for the first time in awhile. I start reconnecting with my longtime childhood friends. Man, I missed them. I start dating and plan some really cool trips. Divorce is about to be finalized as well.

Link to comment

Tomorrow night, I leave for my big trip. Today, however, I'm just not feeling too confident. The interaction with my Dad has put me in a pretty bad mood for the last two days. Work is meh, doing a lot of mindless work right now while we all sit in limbo. I, however, have stayed active and busy by going to the gym, spent time with friends, etc. I do need to get myself out of this job limbo, though. I'm only sitting through it because the financial package is pretty nice and I'll need the money. I feel like the job limbo has demotivated everyone. I'm being asked to do tasks that I'm not very good at all because we weren't able to get additional help. This isn't as much my problem as its the company's problem. Also, many people work remotely now, but I'm choosing not to do that because I live alone and who wants to sit lone and work on mindless stuff all day.

 

I have to be more proactive as I start thinking about the next few years. I've had a lot of success doing fantasy sports and related activities. A lot of that has been very fruitful. I told myself a few years ago that I don't want to do corporate jobs for a long time. I don't like the backstabbing, butt kissing, etc. It's not authentic and it's not who I am. I've been fortunate to work with a lot of very nice/cool people, so the job hasn't been that bad.

 

Overall, I've dealt with a lot of disappointment in 2019; (i) my marriage ended so I feel like a 'failure', (ii) my job has been stuck in limbo for over a year and just rocky relationship with people I work with because I just don't care as much anymore, (iii) my roller-coaster relationship with both parents and getting blamed by both sides of the family because I "haven't done enough", (iv) I have to pay alimony to a woman who I loved and gave the world to, financial-wise, (v) reconnecting with my sister who went through a terrible eating disorder, (vi) putting down our family dog, (vii) Uncle passed away. A lot of good things have happened too (e.g., great physical shape, reconnecting with friends, dating new girls, cool fantasy stuff, some exciting trips planned).

 

I think I've had it pretty easy, so this year has been a grind for me. I'm doing my best, moving forward, and just being the best man I can be.

Link to comment

Just got home from my big trip, which was the best fun I've ever had on vacation. It was essentially an all-expenses paid vacation to California with many cool activities planned. I brought my new girlfriend (Girl #2) with me---and we had a blast. I won the trip through a fantasy sports company, so they paid my way and I got play in a 'live final' event. So cool. Brief recap of the trip is presented below.

 

Wednesday night: Flight. Company put us in First Class. Amazing Experience.

Thursday: Went to a scenic beach, met up with friends, rented a convertible, and went to a free country music concert.

Friday: Went to the zoo, did a lot of sight-seeing, and went to a baseball game at night.

Saturday: Did more sightseeing, played in the 'live final', went out with new baseball friends

Sunday: Drove to Los Angeles for more sight seeing and then flew home.

 

What a weekend. My girlfriend was so happy and excited (as was I). She's so nice and personable and got along so well with everyone.

Link to comment

I just want to say good job reconnecting with your mum. I have some backstory on your relationship with your dad and the wedding earlier this year. Great to read the progress with your trips and your date #2 also. She sounds lovely. You sound more and more positive as the weeks go by.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all, dropping in for another update.

 

Overall, things are going well. Two weeks ago, I took Girl #2 to my college buddy's wedding. Everyone raved about how great she is, how lovely she is, etc. I met my ex-wife in college, so I assumed it may be weird with my college friends, but it wasn't at all. Girl #2 fits in like a glove and people loved her. Girl #2 recently lost her job (bad boss, not the right fit.), so I've been supportive of her, been spending a lot of time with her, etc. We've started to merge our social circles, which is fun and exciting.

 

Job-wise, I was told that I'm keeping my job, my same salary, benefits, etc. I can move from NYC to either Florida or California, so that's an option. There aren't a lot of specific details regarding the future of this job, so I'm taking things one day at a time.

 

My divorce is just about finalized. I've signed every document, so I'm just awaiting a court date.

 

Onwards!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey all, dropping by for another update.

 

Earlier today, I spent some time reflecting on the last eight years, especially the last six months. Professionally, I've worked so hard and have had a lot of success. I've pivoted and moved roles when the time was right and also built solid relationships. I've also made a lot of money. That money, however, has very dwindled since I got married/am getting divorced. Still, I was thinking about it--and I don't have any regrets because I gave my heart and soul into every aspect of the marriage. I bought my ex a nice engagement ring, which she loved, gave her the wedding/honeymoon of her dreams, paid off a lot of her student loan debt, bought her two cars, etc. Granted, we both had good jobs, but I was the bread winner and taking care of her was what I wanted to do. I have to pay her alimony for a year, which stinks, given what I've done for her, but that's the system we live in. I knew what I was signing up for---and I don't have any regrets.

 

Since we've been separated, I've taken chances on investments/opportunities that I never would have. Some of those things (e.g., fantasy sports) have worked out so far. Other things (e.g., some risky investments) haven't. Looking back, getting involved in risky investments when my headspace wasn't 100% right wasn't the best decision, but I learned from it. Life is all about learning and I've been doing a ton of it.

 

In terms of my relationships with friends and family, some new friendships have emerged, while most of my family relationships have fallen apart. Some family claim I haven't "done enough" for my Mom, who isn't in the best health, but I've done everything in my power to help her. She lives 3 hours away from me--and I've done my best to take care of her, visit her, call her, etc. I can't worry about what other people think; I can only stand by my truth. My Dad and I don't talk much, which is fine. He is doing what he think is best for his life. I don't like some of our recent interactions, so I've taken a giant step back. I've gone through this tough divorce solo. I knew that if I can get through this, I can get through anything.

 

My new girlfriend is so great. I'm taking things one day at a time--and taking things slow. She's so fun, happy, carefree, etc. She's been such a gift for me and has been super cool. Over the last few years, I've developed massive anxiety, but that all seem to go away when I met her. Granted, I still get anxious from time-to-time, but her energy and joy just makes me so happy.

 

Overall, there's some good and some bad, but I've become very introspective. I've gotten very good at self evaluating and being honest with myself. I'm still taking things day by day, but I'm human and allowed to make mistakes. I'm going to keep doing new things (travelling with my girlfriend and her friends to her college campus for football/fun this weekend).

 

During the last few years, at some point, I stopped living life. I started living my life a few months ago---and things are getting much better. Onwards.

Link to comment

If you are not yet divorced, new dates and girlfriends are merely a distraction. Because you get along with them is not proof of healing. As a divorced person myself, other emotions will hit at different stages in the process. Great reconnecting with your mom. But I'd cool it on new woman #1, #2, and so forth. Less arm candy -- otherwise you are going to repeat the same marriage again

Link to comment

Back for another journal update.

 

Through counselling, reading, doing self-evaluation, etc., I've accepted the fact that I've struggled with Codependency for nearly my entire life. I take full responsibility for it because I never looked inward to see that it was destroying my life. When I think back to my childhood, I realize that my Mother is the biggest Codependent that I've ever seen. She totally gave up her life for my sister and I---and still, to this day, reminds us of this fact. She doesn't have any regrets about it---but it was not a healthy way to life and as children, it shaped us, big-time. Both my sister and I have gone through extensive counselling to work through these issues. Still, to this day, we're both working through it as we try to understand ourselves more.

 

I look back on all of my relationships---and I realize that I went for needy girls because I felt like I could 'fix' all of their issues and essentially bury myself into them. In turn, this led to the relationship becoming totally toxic because my self-worth became tied to 'taking care of them'. My ex-wife was the perfect match for the Codependent kidd55. She had family issues, money issues, daddy issues, money issues, emotional issues, etc. I felt like I could be knight in shining armor. Being her white knight made me feel good---at the expense of really looking at my true, inner core and thinking about what would make ME happy and realizing that I am not responsible for her issues; I am only responsible for myself and my own issues. My ex-wife and I were not two independent people that came together to form a better team. Instead, I totally buried myself into her--and look where that got me. I stopped looking inward, I stopped thinking about what would make me happy, etc. Over the last 2-3 years of my marriage, I was so unhappy because I bottled up my emotions and never said anything. I became deeply unhappy.

 

Over the last few months, as I've started dating this new girl, I've been proactively watching my actions, words, responses, etc. So far, I've done well. I totally let her come and go as she pleases. I don't try to solve her problems. She knows that I'm there for her, but I don't make it my job to solve all of her issues. She's very independent and I think her upbringing was pretty normal, but I don't really know for sure. I don't try to control her; I just accept her for who she is. This mindset and action plan has made me feel much more at ease. I feel more relaxed, I'm not as anxious anymore, etc.

 

I still need to spend more time ironing out some of my own things and becoming more self-aware, but I'm taking things a day at a time. I'm not obsessing over every detail, not worried about her every move, etc. I'm more focused on myself, my goals, my own well being, etc. When I'm with her, I focus on having fun, being present, and just going with the flow. Life is much easier without any expectations.

Link to comment

Time to start hitting this journal more frequently. I want to build more self awareness, so I'm going to be honest about my own feelings, thoughts, etc.

 

So far, today has been a good day. I woke up, reviewed some of my sports teams, took a nice shower, made it to the train on time. When I got on the train, I listened to some of my favorite relaxing, morning music. I got a coffee, was nice to the attentant behind the counter and had a nice subway ride to work. I smiled at an old lady on the subway and she smiled back. I asked some co-workers about their weekends---and I actively listed and asked questions. I'm proud of myself for doing this. At one point this morning, I did start to have some negative feelings creep into my head regarding my girlfriend, but it was just my insecurity screaming at me. I acknowledged the feelings, but also understood that I can only control myself and it's a waste of time/energy to worry about things I can't control. (Plus, there's nothing to worry about.)

 

For the rest of the day, I plan on finishing off a few projects at work, having a good lunch, getting a good workout in after work, and relaxing/watching some baseball tonight. I have a conference and a charity event tomorrow, so it'll be a busy day.

 

Here are a list of my favorite things/activities

 

Favorite music: Rap/hiphop for exercise, rock/some country for driving, Hans Zimmer for whenever the occasion is right.

Favorite movies: The Town, Good Will Hunting, A League of Their Own, Wedding Crashers, Superbad

Favorite food: Pizza, protein bars

Favorite school subjects: History, gym.

Favorite sports: Baseball, football, basketball

Favorite hobbies: Fantasy sports, working out, volunteering

Favorite animals: Dogs

Favorite books: The Power of Positive Thinking

Ideal job/favorite job: Multi-faceted. Fantasy sports mixed with helping young people.

Places I want to travel to: Hawaii, Australia, China, Cancun, Hans Zimmer concert, New Orleans, Nashville, every baseball stadium in the MLB, Rose Bowl on New Year's day

What kind of house I want to live in: Small, 3 bedrooms, near the beach. small yard, a few dogs, walking trail near the house.

What type of family would I like to have: One that loves each other, doesn't set expectations on each other, 2-3 kids, beautiful/sweet/passionate wife.

What do I want to look like physically: 190-210 pounds (Currently 195). Low body fat, muscular, beard. Wearing blues to make me eyes stand out.

How do you want to feel mentally/physically: Totally relaxed, accepting things as they are. Realizing that life is not perfect, Working out daily to make myself feel good mentally and physically.

 

By making this list, I realize that there are a lot of places I want to visit. In terms of looks/working out, I'm in pretty good shape already, but I have to keep it up.

 

Tomorrow, I'm going to focus on my values and beliefs.

Link to comment

My divorce is basically finalized. Everything is signed and subtitled to the court. Tonight, My ex came by the apartment to get the rest of her stuff. I nearly put all of her stuff on sidewalk because I didn’t want her inside the apartment. Anyway, I sat next to stuff, she drove up, some guy she was with also drove up, they saw the stuff and I walked back inside. I didn’t engage either of them because I knew she was bringing this guy to cause trouble. She could have brought her brother or a family member, but brought this guy instead. I didn’t engage either one and just walked back inside. This guy started smoking immediately and she was horrible asthma. Not a great situation.

 

I told my girlfriend about my ex coming to get her stuff. She was supportive and happy that I told her. She even sent me a text an hour before the ex came, saying ‘just wanted to send you some love. Thanks for telling me about your stuff tonight. I appreciate it. Cheers to this being over!’ I’ve been honest with her from the start.

 

I’ve been true to myself and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Link to comment

Dropping by for another update.

 

The biggest lesson that I've learned through this entire process: You're responsible for yourself and yourself alone. It doesn't mean that you need to be heartless, rather you have to make sure you're happy with yourself before anything else. I spent so many years catering to the needs/wants of others that I lost sight of what made me happy. (e.g., I was codependent on my ex-wife, I did literally everything to help my Mom, but it was never enough for her, which led to me feeling shame). I can't worry about what happened in the past/ask myself what I would have done differently, etc. The past is the past. All I can do is learn from it and change my own behavior.

 

Also, setting boundaries is huge. I always let people steamroll through my boundaries. Both of my parents were people pleasers, so it's behavior that I saw and thought was normal. It is not normal, at all. People will take advantage of you if you don't have any boundaries/bend over backwards to please them. My Dad would constantly complain that my Mom didn't treat him well/was mean, but he failed to act and never stood up for himself. I used to feel bad for him, but I don't anymore. He failed to act as a man and that had residual effects. I allowed it to affect me, which I own and accept, so I had to take time to learn from the situation, fix my own thinking and move forward in a healthy way.

 

Over the last few months, I've slowly started to change. I have more boundaries and I've been putting myself first. I've made sure that I'm happy and doing things that I want to do. A lot of people that have been in my life for a long time have reacted negatively to this because it's a clear change in my behavior and they aren't getting the same reaction as before. Some want to try to steamroll and control---and I'm not letting it happen anymore. My ex-wife was hell-bent on getting a reaction from me, but I never gave it to her. My Mom loves to try to shame me that I "Don't do enough for her", but I know my truths. My Dad wants me to accept his new wife, but there's a clear conflict of values. He opted to have an affair with her and marry her. I believe in always being honest and true---and having an affair is not being honest and true. It's one thing to handle your business and start a new relationship---it's another to have an affair for years and then act like it's all good when you finally grow a pair to end your existing marriage.

 

I've spent so much time in counselling, self-reflection, self-study, reading, etc. that I've totally transformed my outlook and mindset for the better. Onwards.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Back for another update. Overall, things are good. All of my divorce paperwork is signed and filed with the court. Just need a judge to sign-off on it and I'm finished. I made my first alimony payment to my ex last week, so I only have 11 more to go. Short-term, it'll hurt a little, but long-term, I'll be okay. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world right now and am working in a strategic role for them. Things are good and I'm super optimistic about the future even though some of the tasks/duties/responsibilities can be boring/dull.

 

My new girlfriend is great. We've been dating for a few months--and we're having a lot of fun. She wants more and more of time and presence, which is cool. She just started a new job, so I'm trying to give her a lot of time and space to get situated. We've been going to fun shows, fun events, etc.

 

I know a lot of people have given me grief over 'jumping' into another relationship, but honestly, I operate much differently now than I did with my ex. Things I've improved upon from the last relationship to this relationship:

 

1. I've gotten very, very good at just listening. I've stopped trying to be a problem solver and have just shown more compassion and understanding. I've learned that it's disrespectful to try to 'fix' someone's life or offer advice when they don't ask for it.

2. I've gotten very good at ask questions and setting boundaries. I try to put the attention on other people 90% of the time and just listen. I try to interject with my own experiences when the time is right, but more times than not, I just let them talk. I find listening to other people to be very interesting.

3. I give people a lot of space. I don't bombard anyone (e.g., girlfriend, friends, family, co-workers) and just let them come to me. I have plenty of things to keep me busy.

4. Positive encouragement. I try to be the biggest cheerleader in the world for my friends, girlfriend, etc. I try to pump everyone up because the world is just so negative now.

5. I'm more assertive with my wants/needs/desires. If something doesn't suit me, I express it. I'm not afraid to have an unpopular opinion.

 

That's it for now. I'll catch ya later.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all, dropping in for another update. It's been a few things---and things are good. My girlfriend and I have been having lots of fun, going out a lot, and just enjoying life. We've been spending time with friends, going to football games, going to parties, etc. We both are developing feelings for each other, but I'm still very cautious.

 

I heard from ex last week. I have to pay her alimony for 12 months and thus far, I've made two payments. The second payment was delayed due to a bank error. When she asked me about the error, I sent her the schedule of all payments and left it at that. The schedule had confirmation numbers, delivery dates, etc. I don't think she read the schedule at all because two days later, I got a really mean text from her (She must know about my new g/f, who is a blonde):

 

"Thekidd, I don't care if your blonde girl's only task on the 1st of the month is to find me and hand deliver my money so it's delivered on time. Make sure it's delivered. I did not nothing wrong to you, I was your wife, I tried my best, and I respected our marriage. You pulled me through the mud for no reason. The least you can do is do what you agreed to." (I didn't respond to this because I sent her the schedule of payments once the banking error was fixed.)

 

A few hours later, I get this message "*Sorry, correction: only task that day is to hand deliver my check instead of bl0wing you. Make sure it's delivered".

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Hi all, popping by for another update. A long time, a wise man told that life is measured in decades, not years. Since there's less than 1 month remaining in this decade, it's a good time to reflect.

 

I started this decade the same way I'm finishing: grinding and working hard. In 2010, I was a junior in college, doing two internships and networking like crazy. Now, in December 2019, I'm working for the largest media company in the world in a director role. All of the hard work that I put in at the beginning of the decade has paid off. I'm enjoying my current experience, but I know it's not a long-term thing. That's a post for another day, though.

 

I started this decade going through a tough break-up, but my ex and I ultimately got back together and were married for about 5 years. I'm ending this decade by leaving that relationship behind, for good, and starting a new chapter in my life. My family life has been up-and-down, but that's life when you're dealing with different people, different personality, people start aging, etc.

 

I only thing that really, really bothered me was how my divorce went down, financially. I spent 8+ years being the breadwinner for my now ex-wife and I. I did everything in my power to provide for us, I worked so many hours, I pivoted when the time was right, took on new projects/opportunities, and helped pay of $50,000+ of her student loan debt, bought her new cars (in cash). I did all of this out of love because I loved her and love being a provider. What I didn't like, however, was how she refused to give me $15,000 for our joint expenses (She had at least $80,000 in cash in the bank) and I still have to pay her alimony for 9 more months. The alimony isn't tax deductible, either.

 

It's just demoralizing to work so hard, for so long, and see many of the benefits walk away in the divorce. What I did learn, though, is that you need to be happy, no matter what. I wasn't happy in my marriage anymore, so I needed to blaze a new trail for myself.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Back for another update. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

 

My new girlfriend and I celebrated Christmas about a week ago; we went to a show, exchanged gifts (she went way above and beyond for me, I got her tickets to a show that she really wanted to see.), and had a nice dinner. Her family lives in the south, so she went down there for Christmas. Ironically, my Dad moved and lives about an hour away from my girlfriend's family, so I'm flying down there for the weekend. I'll see my girlfriend, Dad, Dad's wife in some warm weather. Hopefully, this is a good visit.

 

Last weekend, I did a volunteer event for some underprivileged kids. The kids are full of energy and just wild at times, but that keeps it fun. These kids have tough relationships at home, so spending time, taking them to a show was great. I also went to two Christmas parties, which was awesome. I went to one party with my girlfriend's friends, a lot of whom I've gotten close with. I also went to another party with my lifelong friends back at home. Due to the events of my life, I haven't seen most of these friends much over the last few years. Things have just gotten crazy and I shut down on purpose. Fortunately, we can all pick-up where we left off and we had a great time.

 

After the Christmas parties, I decided to visit my Mom and spend a few days (Dec 22nd-26th) during Christmas with her. Our visit started a little rocky; she brought up some family issues and I expressed disappointment and hurt that my words/feelings were never being considered. My Mom never listens or addresses my words; rather she just spins things back on herself. I closed the conversation by saying that we 'agree to disagree' and went to bed for the night. On the 23rd, I woke up early and went to a friend's house so I could work for a few hours. I've known this particular friend for nearly my entire life and we were always best friends. I haven't seen him as frequently over the last few years due to all of the drama and crapp going in my life. I shut down and in turn, shut important people out of my life because I just felt hurt and not like myself and didn't want others to see me like that.

 

Anyway, I returned back to Mom's after seeing my friend---and she started throwing all of these daggers at me. She said some really harmful, nasty things to me about me, my life choices, my girlfriend, etc. She's a mentally sick woman, so I have a hard time in this scenario because I need boundaries in my life and I've gone through this same exact scenario many, many times over the last few years. Still, I give her chance after chance. I agreed to stay---as long as she didn't pull anymore crapp. She was fine--until Christmas Day. We had a nice day on Christmas Eve (took her to an appointment, got her good food for dinner, got breakfast things for us for Christmas morning, my sister came over for Xmas Eve and she had fun). Heck, on Christmas morning, we made breakfast together and had fun. Things turned sour when she couldn't physically get out of her bed and I tried joking with her to make her feel better. She reacted her negatively and started her guilt tripping. She even said to me that we've both tried to have a relationship---and she thinks she shouldn't have a relationship anymore. A few minutes later, she fell asleep, and once again, I felt crushed and went for a run. After an internal debate on whether to leave or stay, I left and made the 3-hour trek home. She was asleep when I left and I left her a note. Merry Christmas, right?

 

I didn't write much about this above, but My Mom loves to guilt-trip me that I "left her all alone on the holidays over the last few years", I'm viewed as a monster by her friends and our family for 'deserting her' after my parent's divorce, etc. It's just manipulation and over the last few years, I've distanced myself, only to give her another chance a 4-6 months later. Mentally and emotionally, I feel much better when I have distance from her. Whenever I'm with her, I figure that it's just a matter of time until she turns on me, has a breakdown, etc. It costs me a lot of time, energy, and money to visit her ($100/visit in transportation) only to leave disappointed 80% of the time. At times, I think that she tries to slot me into the role my Dad had. My Dad took her verbal abuse for 20 years--until he ended the marriage and left. Now, my Mom is trying to slot me into that role--and I won't take it.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Time to reflect on the last decade, and more specifically, 2019. Overall, this past decade was a decade filled with growth, valuable life experience, and a lot of lessons. Some of my main accomplishments from the last decade:

 

  • Graduated from college with a double major & honors;
     
  • Landed a valuable first job in consulting that reinforced my work ethic. When the time was right, I pivoted to bigger opportunities and have worked for the two largest media companies in the world. I accomplished all of this by 30.
     
  • With my personal relationships, I experienced some high points (engagement, marriage) and some low points (divorce, family relationships falling apart, distance with some friends). However, each of these experiences thought me valuable lessons. I've learned relationships are not meant to last forever. Sometimes, relationships fall apart for a reasons that are explainable (one or both people out-grew the relationship, the relationship ran its course) and not explainable (I don't know what goes through other's heads, but I don't have any control.)
     
  • I've experiment with a lot of different projects (built a sports website, dabbled in various investments, had success playing games). All of these experiences have taught me to enjoy success and also how to overcome failure.
     
  • Learning how to accept things for what they are. At the end of the day, I can only control myself, my own thoughts, and my own actions. I must live with myself and my decisions. At the beginning of the decade, I always wanted things to be perfect. Life ain't perfect, thekid55. Buckle up and enjoy the ride. When things get tough, you'll learn more about yourself.
     
  • In terms of physical fitness, I ran a half marathon, got into amazing shape, feel better than I ever have in my life.
     
  • I've traveled a lot. I've seen a lot of different places (Europe, Caribbean, various parts of the U.S.). I will continue to explore and take adventures.
     
  • I've sought out mentors and have done a ton of reading about self-improvement, self-growth, etc. Reading is always a good way to 'steal' someone else's brain and get insight from a different perspective. Most people want to stay 'stuck'--and a lot of people reacted negatively when they saw me grow (and keep growing). When you keep evolving as a person, most people won't like it because you're breaking the mold/idea they had for you. Instead, focus on the ones that are celebrating your success. That's all that matters!
     
  • Swallowing my pride and go to counselling. I put that as an accomplishment because too many people don't go due to their ego. In time, I mustered the strength to go and deal with my demons. I cried once or twice in the counsellor's office, but it was part of my path forward. I also accepted that I was co-dependent on others (my Mom, my Dad, my ex-wife). I stopped focusing inwards and kept focusing on others. I've learned that isn't healthy and I always consciously try to focus on myself first.
     

 

When I look back at 2019, I don't see a lot of pain; rather I see a lot of valuable growth. Some of these growth areas include:

 

  • Finally accepting that my marriage had run its course. For the last few years, things didn't feel right. My parents' divorce, which I've detailed at length, definitely changed me as a person. In fact, my parent's divorce showed me that life is too short to be unhappy. My parents gutted it out for a long time--and just weren't happy. I didn't want to go down that same path, so I made a change for myself and my future. Did that change come with emotional and financial consequences? Yes, it did, but long-term, it will all work out.
     
  • Accepting my relationship with my terminally ill mother. There are a lot of highs, lot of lows, but one thing has remained constant; boundaries. I've maintained strong boundaries with her and that has led to more peace. If she does something I don't like/if she tries to purposely hurt me with her words, I call it out directly and I've left to go home numerous times. It shows her that I won't tolerate it.
     
  • Accepting my relationship with my Dad and his new wife. Earlier this year, we got into an argument/dispute over it. However, I got to visit him and her during the holidays. I took the high road, saying that I'm happy for them and just want peace. They were both overjoyed and actually cried that they were so happy to have me back in their life. I'm not putting any expectations on those relationships and just enjoying them for what they are.
     
  • I've started dating someone new, who is a much, much better fit for me. She's very sweet, nice, and just fun to be around. At some point, I stopped having fun. Her energy, love for life, and spirit has brought that fun back into my life. We'll see where it goes, but we're just enjoying each other and letting the good times roll.
     
  • I was hired full-time by the Company that acquired my previous employer. Due to stupid politics, it's been challenging thus far and I don't think it's a long-term fit. Five years ago, if you would have told me that I'd have my current job, I'd be over the moon. However, I've changed and my priorities have changed. For now, it's helping pay the bills, but I've got my eyes open and my next path will show itself soon.
     
  • I've restored some friendships with my childhood friends. We're all living in different places, doing different things, but we all love each other and love being together. Over the last few years, I took my eye off of these friendships due to the turmoil of my life, but things are turning around. The friendships are a little different, but with age and time, that is to be expected.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Time for an honest, raw post. The Corona Virus quarantine has given me a lot of free time to read, think, and now journal.

 

When I look back at the last 10 years or so, I realize that I made a lot of mistakes. Some of the mistakes include, but are not limited to: (i) not setting boundaries, (ii) breaking my word w/ my ex-wife and friends, (iii) not proactively planning my future. I can sit here and blame my parents, namely my Dad, for not having a backbone and not showing me how to be a man, but I'm not here to do that. Instead, I've spent the last 2-3 years reading as many books as I can. I've had to teach myself how to be man, I've had to look for mentors, seek advice, and start to make changes for the betterment of my own life.

 

Some things that I've done that have made me feel 10x better than ever before: (i) keeping my promises/never breaking my word, (ii) goal setting, (iii) creating boundaries at work and in my personal life. Sitting around and pondering "What Ifs" isn't healthy at all. However, I do realize that the mistakes I've made forced me to become a better man.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Dropping by for another update.

 

Wow, the world has definitely changed over the last three months. Lots of craziness and society, as a whole, is definitely re-thinking a lot of things.

 

As for me, I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year now. When Coronavirus pandemic first started, she (and most of her NY friends), opted to go home (Southern states). I decided to stay behind in NY even though she practically begged me to come. The day-to-day situation was definitely uncertain and I wasn't crazy about traveling. Ultimately, her and I were apart for about 2 months. A few weeks ago, I decided to travel down south and have been staying with her family. Her family are the nicest, sweetest people in the world. I, unfortunately, didn't have many options to escape NY because my mother is at risk, my Dad didn't want me to visit, and my sister works in hospitals. Most of my friends are married or engaged with kids, so those weren't options either.

 

Her family has made me feel super welcomed and I'm definitely feeling the love.

 

During our time apart, we kept things fresh by (i) learning French togetehr, (ii) building a massive movie list and watching 1 per day, (iii) doing weekly FaceTime dates.

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

Dropping by for another update. It's been a few months, so time to recap.

 

  1. I'm healthy and have been healthy. That's the only thing that matters in 2020.
  2. In August, my mother was diagnosed with COVID after she was taken to the hospital (Small fall due a pre-existing condition). She beat COVID, but the doctors determined that she can't live alone since her fall was so bad. My sister, aunt, and I found a nice assisted living facility for her. Hopefully, this is just a short-term option. She's working with a physical therapist to get her strength back so she can go home. She's not allowed to have visitors, though, so I haven't been able to see her.
  3. In July, I decided that I wanted to move to Florida. A number of factors (e.g., current political climate, state of affairs in NYC, been wanting a change for years) influenced that decision. I made arrangements with work (Everyone is working remotely right now, so no issues and they were supportive.) I officially moved out of NYC at the end of August. I hired the wrong moving company, so I had to pivot and make other arrangements since the moving company was attempting to overcharge me by $2,000. Ultimately, I shipped everything via UPS and found a freelance shipper to take my big items. My girlfriend also wanted to move back to Florida, so we did it together. We drove from NYC to Florida, which was a fun drive, and made some fun stops along the way. I offered to include my Mom in my move to Florida, pre-COVID, but she wasn't interested in leaving the North.
  4. I've been living life as normal while a lot of the world lives in hysteria. I take precautions, but I don't let the craziness consume me. I try not to watch too much news, either.
  5. I'm officially moving into my new Florida apartment soon. I've been staying with my girlfriend's family--and that's been a blessing. Her family is so nice and her dogs are great. I'm so thankful for them and I will miss them once we move. Living with them healed me and reminded me of my own family in many ways.

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

Hi all, hope everyone is doing well. It's been about 4 months since the last one, so here it goes...

  1. My 32nd birthday was in December. I started this journal over 10 years ago! I've been through a lot of ups-and-downs, but I wouldn't change anything. Life is a journey. Successes and failures happen. We keep learning as we go!
  2. Still healthy. Have been healthy. Feeling great. I'm exercising nearly everyday and have been religiously taking vitamins (Vit C, Vit D, Fish Oil, Zinc) for about a year. Staying active, taking the vitamins, and limiting stress has been key!
  3. I've been living in my new apartment with my girlfriend for about 4 months. The apartment is beautiful, nice water views. Price-wise, it's similar to NYC, but you get more for your money in FL. The people are also much nicer. Years ago, I wrote about moving in this journal--and I made it happen. I wasn't happy living in NY. I'm much happier in FL.
  4. My girlfriend and I have been getting along well. I plan fun dates for us at least weekly and I have a fun surprise trip planned for her birthday in April. I'm "working from home" with my job, so it's been somewhat hard to keep work and fun separate 
  5. She, alike a lot of people, have had trouble finding a new job, so I've been supporting us. I've been supportive of her job search and have even pitched her multiple ideas so she could start her own business. I've learned that we can only support and love people as they work their way through things. As I've learned, trying to force people to do things is not the way to go.
  6. Since I moved to FL, we've won 2 major sports championships in hockey and football. The football championship was a lot of fun. The championship game was in FL, so we got to see some shows, meet some celebrities, etc. The first few weeks after football season are a little dull, but things will pick up.
  7. My Mom is still living in assisted living--and I don't think she's ever going to be able to live on her own again. Her money is drying up, which is sad because she spent so much of her life paying off debt, making sure my sister and I could go to college, etc. She is still getting alimony from my Dad, so it's a complicated situation, financially. I've proactively tried to financially plan her future with her for years, but she's always been resistant. At this point, I've done all I can (e.g., offer help with a financial adviser, offered her the opportunity to live me, go through all of her assets and try to figure out a course of action). Overall, my relationship with my Mom has been better since she's been in assisted living. She has the help she needs and is more measured when she talks. 
  8. My Dad and I talk occasionally. He lives about 30-40 minutes from me, but I haven't seen him in over a year. He claims that he's isolated due to COVID, but I don't fully get it. He doesn't have any pre-existing conditions and we've always been close, so it hurts that hasn't wanted to come see me. I haven't expressed this to him. Maybe I will.
  9. My boss has been fully supportive of my move to FL. My boss is based on the west coast--and there wasn't a business reason for me to remain in NY. He told me that he's working with his boss' boss to help me permanently relocate my job to FL. My company has big operations in FL and CA, so this makes sense. I feel very fortunate and lucky. I've been working a Corporate job for the last 10 years, and I don't think it'll be my long-term career path, but for now, I feel grateful.
Link to comment
×
×
  • Create New...