Thekid55's Healing Journal

Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below.

Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part.

She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive.

Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point.

This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards.

Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard.

I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.

One other wrinkle to add to this post: We've been taking each other off of joint accounts over the last few days. Today, she texted me, telling me she removed me from the joint cell phone account. No reply from me. Therefore, I had to go through the process of getting onto my own account. Pretty easy. Anyway, I had to sign-in through the main interface. I couldn't help, but snoop through her call log. I kept seeing the same phone number popping up a recent contact. She was having lengthy conversation with this number multiple times.

Anyway, I did a Google search of that number--and it's this older, loser of a guy that she had mentioned to me months ago. She mentioned how this old loser might be a good rebound for one of her girlfriends who getting divorced at the time. This guy is a total loser, lives at home with Mom & Dad (He's 42), and is a mutual friends of some of her new girlfriends. The dude is ugly as dirt.

While mistakes were made on both sides, she's been trying to convince me that I've been the problem all along. Needless to say, I'm not innocent, but she isn't innocent easier. Maybe it's a way to alleviate her guilt of having an affair? Who knows.

She's probably having an affair, while she's still married to me. It's disgusting and I'm outraged. Getting served the divorce papers will be a huge wakeup call for her. Also, I've changed the locks on the apartment.

Going to do a few posts that consolidate some of the best advice I've read on ENA.

Topic: Break-Ups, Getting Back Together.

The biggest problem with relationships? Expectations. Women want to be treated like they were before marriage and men coast a little in marriage. Men need to understand that women still need attention and to be 'entertained', but women need to do a better job of communicating that. Women are so concerned with 'hurt feelings' that men don't take their problems seriously until it's too late. Most men never think they're wife would leave, much less have an affair. In time, men understand why it happened (Problem with communication, expectations)

Men crave desire and respect. Women crave love and security.

Many people screw up and think that the first sign of an ex softening up, they want to reconcile. That's almost never the case. Instead, if the ex shows up, let her say her piece, without questioning it. Once she's done, find a way to kick her out. (Keeps pressure off). Relationship talk is highly inappropriate. Later on, she'll make other excuses to contact you. Respond at your leisure. When she notices you aren't pursuing, she'll step up her game. She has to be the one pursuing.

Some women are just too emotionally immature to be in a serious relationship. Some will give 'excuses' for what she's been doing when she just wants to bone other jerks. These women are in denial and trying to re-write history so they look noble. These women are not self-aware and taking them back would be a nightmare since they would pull the same thing again.

Sometimes, exes are feeling guilty and reach out to you to make themselves feel better. Don't respond to this type of stuff. Later on, she'll think back and realize she lost her one true love.

"Interruption Marketing" works because we remember things that interrupt our train of thought. Therefore, don't fight her on her decision or invalidate her feelings. Don't get depressed and beg. Don't try to change her mind. By not doing this stuff, you interrupt her feelings about you and the marriage.

Trustworthiness + Consistency + Time = Trust

Women tend to make excuses for their own choices. Immature people do this. They will put the blame on you so she doesn't feel guilty. This is good and bad. Bad because she's immature. Good because she still cares about you.

Any attempt to 'fix' the relationship will backfire. Anything you do will look desperate and fake. The more you talk to her, the more she realizes she made the right decision to leave. Ignore all unimportant contacts. Cut her out of your life. If she changes her mind, it happens when you're out of the picture.

When women leave their husbands, they stay with friend/family or move in with boyfriend. It's great at first, but then they realize they aren't as compatible. Affairs are fantasies and nothing kills that faster than moving in together. Fantasyland magnifies all of the good traits, not bad. After a couple of months, things fall apart in fantasyland and she tries to reconcile with husband. She may/may not come back to fantasyland (It all depends on how husband handles her).

She won't be interested until she thinks you actually hate her. RobD's wife had to practically beg him to take her back. You have to do the opposite of what you want to get the results you want. Going NC is good for mental health. Staying in contact drags things out. You can't make a mistake if you don't do anything.

Most women won't say they've lost respect for their husbands. During a breakup/seperation, don't take anything they say to heart. They almost always change their minds. She wants you to be a man, so man-up and give her what she wants. She'll think twice once she gets it. In order to save a marriage, you have to end it. She has already checked out and has been for some time. Nothing you say will change her mind. Don't try to talk her out of her decisions. Tell her she's right about whatever and she deserves to be happy. Get your affairs in order and start discussing how to split things up. Act like divorce is your idea. This tends to freak them out.

In a divorce/seperation, she'll want to do the opposite of what you want. Most people that walk away don't understand all of the consequences of their actions, so its the man's job to show them. She's most likely having an affair, which is motivating her to do this. Affairs fail at a 90% rate, so don't be overly concerned if you find out about it. You need to act mad because they know it's wrong and being forgiving makes you look weak. (This would be the best time for YOU to file for divorce). Filing shows you have limits. Don't take anything back. She'll respect you if you stick to your word, even if it's bad for her.

You can will her back if you can get her respect back, which means acting indifferent to her. She will hate it at first, but once she sees you'll be fine w/o her, she will have second thoughts. As long as you try to win her back, she'll pull away. If you talk, keep it business-like.

Use time apart to fix your flaws. If you are still the same guy, your next relationship will fail for the same reasons.

Typically, they need 6 weeks (or more) to get over the bad feelings of the relationship. Contact before makes you look weak/makes her angry and reinforces her decision to leave. Time and silence are your best friends. Over time, you think about her less and less, and she will think about you more and more. Breaking NC just restarts the clock again.

Never talk to her friends (or any mutual friends) about her. When you are emotionally charged, it's hard to control what you say. Put out word that you are no longer interested in being with her, period. You become much more desirable if she thinks you no longer want her.

When she says she doesn't see you being together in the future, agree. She expects you to disagree because you have different wants. Never tell her she's wrong or how things should be. Just take her at her word and leave it at that. The more you try to stay away, the more she'll chase.

In 6 months time, they typically 'take back' everything they've done (assuming you've kept your head on right). Everything she says right now will hurt, so avoid talking at all costs. Women detach emotionally for a long time. Therefore, it takes time to defuse all of that negativity. By the time she comes around, you won't care anymore.

Don't fight her and move forward with the divorce. Go NC and work up the courage to file and serve the papers. Filing sends a message that you are not going to take her crapp. Don't be nice to her anymore. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. She has no idea how things are going to change for her, especially after the honeymoon phase wears off. This will blow-up in her face as long as you keep your distance and give her what she asks.

Look at the bright side: There's a whole world out there and she jsut gave you a guilt-free out. If she wants to work on things, it will be up to her and she'll have convince you it's worth it. To get o that point, tyou have to detach and move on like it's over for good.

RobD's wife told him she would never be happy with him again. Overtime, she changed her mind. It takes time, months and months. You are going to hurt really bad for awhile, but the longer you go without talking, the better. She'll miss you once you disappear for awhile. 3 months tends to be the magic number for some reason, but wait 6 months until you give her the time of day. Try to picture your life alone.

After a breakup, most women feel pity, not love or respect, which you have to change. A lot of guys screw up a lot at the beginning, which is okay. To win back her respect, she has to think you don't care about her anymore. She's not coming back anytime soon. If she did, she'd be gone very quickly. Any form of contact pushes them away.

One of the best things to get women to open up: Take ownership for what you've done first. (e.g., I wasn't as affectionate or as emotionally available as I should have been, which made her feel insecure and vulnerable to someone filling those voids). Once you take the blame, she'll defend you and take the blame for her issues. You can't just confront them or tell them straight out what you need. You have lure it out of them by putting yourself out there and letting them feel safe and not judged.

When I finally said I wanted to get this embarassment of a marriage over with, it got her attention and she talked herself back into his life. Ego is a killer. We can't deal with rejection, but if you can regain your confidence, you can pick yourself up and find someone good.

Use reverse psychology. "I Understand why you felt the need to leave and hope her life works out for the best. I accept your decision and you will move on from here."

Women will respect men that stand up to them and show them that they no longer need them in their lives. (Nobody respects a butt kisser and nobody can love someone they don't respect)

Women are afraid to call exes because they think you'll keep asking her to take you back. Never call them first. Nothing you say will make any difference. Being friends enables them to move on. NC is good because they expect you to chase.

The best thing to do? Stop talking to her about anything personal and act like you are 100% in favor of the divorce.

Be in response mode only. She needs to feel you slipping away, which will make her panic and contact more. Don't ask to meet up. Let her do that. She only cares about how she feels right now and anything you say will backfire. Don't TELL her you are moving on; SHOW HER.

Make changes, but don't tell her about it. Give her what she wants and agree to whatever she says about the relationship. She'll have second thoughts when the pressure is off.

Most exes re-write history. If it gets brought up, say something along the lines of "You are right. I did rush the divorce and we should have just seperated. I'm sorry, I was just doing what I thought you wanted." Really, it's just paperwork afterall. Most times, she is feeling guilty and wants to put it on you.

When you make changes, they usually don't believe them at first and think its temporary. On top of that, they still keep all of the negative things about the relationship handy and will have an emotional wall built. Just prepare like it's over for good.

Over time, your goal is to be happy and confident again. Be a little aloof and mysterious about your life. Don't bring up the relationship (that's her job) and let her take the lead discussing the relationship. Keep talking about things you've done since you've been alone.

Going to do a few posts that consolidate some of the best advice I've read on ENA.

Topic: Divorce, Healing

When women leave their husbands, they may be in some fantasy/dysfunctional state, but the husband cannot fix that. The husband must take a stand and dictate what will happen in his life, not let her do it. She needs to accept what she's doing isn't right and want to work on a resolution. Sometimes, she stalls hoping her 'fantasy' can continue while the husband pays the bills. (Keep eyes open, mouth shut.)

Cheaters lie and then lie some more because that's what they do. Learn to accept that she isn't the same person you thought she was.

During reconciliation, many partners feel crushed after counselling because their partner lies like a rug.

When wives leave, they may have an emotional affair. She takes all of the emotional connection she had for you--and given it to another. This is why they are cold. She has to be cold because if she gives you affection, it's like 'cheating' on her boyfriend. You cannot change their mind with reason, logic, etc because she's been thinking about this for awhile and convinced herself it's the right thing to do.

Most wives leave for their 'fantasy'. Husbands cannot compete with the fantasy no matter what they do. The fantasy isn't real or logical, but she will never see it no matter how much evidence you show her. Instead, saving yourself is more important than saving your marriage. Acceptance has become your best friend; realize she isn't the same person anymore and you'll be okay.

Start thinking about where you want to be long-term. That means close the door on the wife and looking at the future.

Most wives think their husbands are afraid of losing them, so they take a new BF out for a test drive while you are strung along.

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Anatomy of Adultery:

Stage 1 (Women): In emotional need. Lonely, suffers from low self-esteem, has difficulty making female friends. She reaches for romance in her husband, but he doesn't notice. She nags and complains.

Stage 1 (Men): He's made business committments. He's in a highly competitive, satisfying position. His emotional energies are drained when he gets home. He loves his wife, but doesn't have time to 'carry her' psychologically.

Stage 2 (Women): Experiences greater frustration and depression, which turns into anger.

Stage 2 (Men): Makes some feeble attempts to relate to wife. He is still over-committed to work and falls back into familiar patterns.

Stage 3 (Women): She's needy and in a dangerous position. She's vulnerable to men. A flirtatous man sets wheels in motion. He becomes her fantasy. He is so compassionate compared to her husband, more in touch with her feelings, etc. Nothing has happened, but she thinks about him a lot. She is becoming an adultress in her mind.

Stage 3 (Men): Continued ignorance of what wife is experiencing. He wishes she'd be happier because he loves her and the kids, but doesn't know how her unhappiness relates to him.

Stage 4 (Women): Affair begins to heat up. More secret meetings, conversations, etc. She feels guilty, but excited. Her husband doesn't seem to care. Finally, sex happens.

Stage 4 (Men): Not aware of any unfaithfulness. He notices some coolness, but suspicions are not aroused. He becomes accustomed to her hostile attitude.

Stage 5 (Women): More illicit sexual activity with the guilt, fear, raw passions that accompany this way of life. Her spiritual life decreases as she lies and rationalizes a double standard. She loses all sexual interest in husband.

Stage 5 (Men): Starts worrying about his deteriorating relationship. Doesn't have much evidence yet, but knows something changed. He is confused.

Stage 6 (Women): Affair continues, hot and heavy.

Stage 6 (Men): Discover her affair. Feels betrayed. He's shocked. He confronts her in one of the most unpleasant encounters in their lives.

Stage 7 (Women): Feelings of guilt/embarrassment are concealed behind rationalizations and recriminations against her husband. Won't admit to anything. Will continue to lie and deceive. On the other hand, some women will beg and cry for forgiveness. Emotions get wild at this stage.

Stage 7 (Men): Feels enormous pain for the first time. His unfaithful partner becomes top priority in his life. After months of ignoring her, he'll do anything to get thru to her. He crawls, cries, bargains with her. None of this works.

Stage 8 (Women): Critical juncture. Some wives want to reconcile w/ husbands. Other want to have their way with a new lover, who is more exciting and alluring. She may pity her husband and doesn't want to hurt him, but finds him boring and disdainful.

Stage 8 (Men): Pain is intensified. Most stress of his life. Jealousy burns through his mind. Feels rage, guilt, remorse, love, hate, despair. Makes all of the critical mistakes and is now dealing with low self-esteem, which his wife experienced years ago.

Stage 9 (Women): "A woman wants a man she can look-up to, but one who won't look down on her". Women need to hold their husbands in certain awe or modest respect. The woman feels a tug of war in her mind. She sees the flaws of her new lover for the first and knows her family is hurting. Her romantic dream fades. Sex is still exciting, but the thrill is gone. All of the ugly realities of divorce hit her in the face. Is that what she wants? Still, she remembers her prior state of loneliness. "I can't go back to taht!!" It is that motivation, above all, that may push her over the edge.

Stage 9 (Men): He can't stand it anymore. His work suffers and his reveals he's under strain. Her behaviors assassinate his respect.

Stage 10 (Women): She decides to divorce. Papers are filed, assets are divided. Emotions run high, but life goes on. Before the woman goes to bed, she thinks to herself, "What Have I done?!"

Stage 10 (Men): His mind cannot tolerate depression and grief indefinitely. He turns pain into anger. He harbors deep hositility towards wife. He doesn't accept blame for what has happened, instead he feels betrayed. He wouldn't take wife back under any circumstance.

Stage 11 (Women): She weds her new lover and life is exciting for a bit. Eventually, it becomes like her first marriage. The thrill is gone, the daily routine takes over. The probabilities of divorce are much higher. Both she and her love feel good about things--except they feel guilty about the children.

Stage 11 (Men): Works his way through bitterness to a state of apathy. Life returns to normal, except wife is gone. He will probably re-marry because divorced men are in high demand. He loses himself in work and slams door on past. He also feels guilty about kids.

//

Most men want to FIX something, yet there may not be anything to fix. Maybe she got bored, felt less desirable, and some guy gave her attention. maybe her dreams were never fulfilled (Not your responsibility). Maybe divorced friends are filling her head with stories about being single. Who knows. Regardless, you must work on yourself and save yourself.

Could you have been a better husband? Yes, Absolutely!!! Would that have stopped them from leaving? No way because it's an internal struggle for them. The trigger could be many things (lack of happiness, lack of direction, boredom).

When people are unhappy, some look inwards and some look outward. Those who look outward find something/someone to blame. Most wives can't blame their lifestyle, so they blame the husband. She gets unhappy and therefore tries to find something (or someone) for happiness. Turning to someone is the worst possible thing. Remember when you first started dating and everything was great? That's what you are competing against now.

Topic: Divorce, Healing (Cont.)

It's hard to turn your brain off in situations like these. When you find yourself thinking about all this crap, ask yourself, "What good will come from thinking about this?" The answer is NOTHING. (It helps you break the cycle). There are so many things you can't control at the moment, so focus on what you can control.

"I have given us a lot of thought and because of all the thing that happened between us, I don't think it's a good idea to try again. I hope you find that someone special to spend your life with." (Always take the high road).

Wives will use your fear of losing her to walk all over you, your marriage, your vows, and dignity. Put your foot down and stop accepting this. Don't look to her texting you as some sign or hint that she still wants you. It's a text, nothing more, nothing less.

You cannot compete against the fantasy. You are the guy paying the bills; the fantasy is giving passion and hot sex. Therefore, stop texting, stop asking if she loves you, stop professing love, stop kissing her butt, stop letting her walk all over you, etc.

Toddlers are super brave whenever Mommy and Daddy is around. When Mommy and Daddy aren't around, they aren't as brave. Think of this analogy with your relationship. As long as she knows you're around/after her, she'll be super brave.

Instead of pining for an ex, start taking better care of yourself, start dressing nicer, start being more aloof, start being the man you want to be, start spending more time with friends. Don't tell her about any of this. Let her discover on her own.

There's no downside for her when you're a doormat. She has passion/love from new boyfriend while you at home, paying the bills.

I know this great men whose wife walked away from a great life (2 kids, nice house, great husband). There was no reason other than the one she had in her mind. He begged to work on things. She rejected him. There was nothing tangible to workout, so she left and he was crushed. She went on to live her fantasy life with some guy, but ultimately, it ended. She came back and he took her back willingly. This taught her that he was weak and would allow her to use the house as a house base until another fantasy came along. This man is waiting for his kids to graduate so he can divorce her and move on. (Stay married is not enough. It's just a legal document, but if there's no passion, love, etc. It doesn't matter).

You cannot 'drag' someone back to marriage. She has to come on her own free will because she sees the value in you, herself, your love. If she comes back after the fantasy fails/ends, YOU DON'T WANT THAT. RUN!

Deep down, most men know the marriage is over, but still hold onto some hope. Most times, the wife's world is safe. She has husband, money, fantasy boyfriend, etc. If you attack that head on, she'll double down and strength her thoughts. Therefore, stay silent, work with lawyers and file for divorce. Reality has a way of forcing people to take a long, hard look at their actions.

She'll feel angry at you because of what you represent. You are the reality, the thing that makes her feel guilty, times her to reality, and she resents you for it and aims her anger at you. If you 100% agreed to her divorce terms, she'd be less angry, but would still blame you for her unhappiness.

When breakups first happen, wives will blame husbands for everything--and some husband believe it. They tell their friends about what's going on and the friends start telling him 'Stop doubting yourself, bro! Stop beliving her crap and excuses'. Once he shook it off, he got his feet back under him and started doing what was best for him.

You get their attention by doing the opposite of what she expects. Improve yourself in every way. In the end, it comes down to her changing her mind and wanting to come back to rebuild the trust of the marriage. Don't pick up her crumbs, which makes her doubt her power over you. It takes a long, long time to get to reconciliation, if at all.

There are many men preying upon wives with all kinds of promises and lies to get them into bed. She'll get a lot of attention, but it will take her awhile to realize she's being used.

During divorce, don't get caught in possessions. The changes you make to yourself are great signs.

Trying to make sense of a dysfunctional situation will drive you crazy. Remember, it only needs to make sense to her at that very moment.

Cheaters never come clean, unless they know they're dead to rights.

The changes in her are a direct result of the changes in you. She can see you are about done and her safety net is about to be ripped away. Typically, her 'reasons' for doing what she's doing are all thing she could have turned to you, but instead, she turned to someone else.

Many times, she wants to get her 'truth' out without rebuttal. Therefore, she'll confide in friends that agree with all of the BS. She'll spin the tale of how terrible you are and lists all of the bad things you did. The friends will agree without knowing the real truth, so she get validated.

When cheaters get busted, they don't show any remorse at first. After a day or so, they'll break down and 'want to work on us'. It's all BS to keep you hooked, so they can see their BF.

Shaming someone and labeling them as a cheater for all to see can be devastating.

You are getting divorced for a reason. You are not trying to teach her a lesson. Life will teach her lessons she needs soon enough. You'll see the wheels come off her 'fantasy'.

Once you put divorce in motion, don't take your foot off the gas. Wives can't stop their fantasy because their happiness hinged on it.

They will always re-write history to justify their actions. They'll never admit what they did was a horrible betrayal. She'll say that you were a bad husband, shut her out emotionally, etc. This is all just a big justification for what she's doing.

Sometimes when you get all the answers, nothing changes. You are still dealing with a cheater, liar, selfish person that's only focused on fantasy.

Truth is a curious thing. There's your truth, the truth you want, and her truth. They will normally tell the truth they want to believe. Reality truth is nearly impossible for them to accept.

Once an argument is over, you don't keep rehashing it. If it keeps happening, a person keeps having to pay the toxic price for a crime he's no longer committing.

Men are taught from an early age that we need to provide for, protect, and work hard for our families. Most men think if they do these things, they're a good husband. Of course, this isn't true because there's so much more.

Remember when you were a kid and stopped playing with a toy because you got bored of it? Some other kid picked it up and started playing with it, so you wanted it back? Same thing with relationships.

Alright, back for another post.

I read the "Way of the Superior Man" this morning. Riveting book. Aside from all of the relationship passages, the "know your purpose in life" section really hit home for me. Basically, the book says that a man must know what his purpose in life is and that purpose should the #1 priority in his life. Purpose is how you impact society and leave your impact on the world. Men that do not have a purpose go through life angry, unfulfilled, etc. You start living other people's priorities instead of your own, which leads to more unhappiness. (Leads to unhealthy relationships and misery.)

Looking back, my marriage became my purpose, which just sounds stupid, but it did. Once that fell apart, I was left with nothing, which may be a blessing in disguise for positive change....

It got me to thinking; what is my true purpose? Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer. I've spent the last few years running around, keeping busy with the day-to-day tasks while not spending enough time looking inward. Some of those day-to-day tasks include:

• Dedicating too much of my time to helping my Mom move. I took that entire project on by myself. I should have asked for help. Instead, I got burnt out and put stress on my marriage
  
• Scrolling through social media and engaging in BS with people I don't even know. (I deleted all clutter apps from my cell phone today)
  
• "Getting through things" at work. I always stayed busy with trivial work things that are pretty meaningless. I never had a purpose outside of work.
  
• Not appreciating 'family time' as much because I lacked a purpose and direction. Lacking this purpose made me feel unfulfilled.
  
• Spending too much time gambling/wasting too much time checking scores
  
• Wasting too much time listening to stupid podcasts. Some podcasts are good, but I spent 100's of hours listening to garbage.
  
• Engaging in status games with people who I didn't care about.
  
• Always walking around with stupid headphones on when I should be just listening to the space around me.
  

I've decided to remove all of the clutter, time wasting BS from my life, so I can focus on my purpose. In fact, I think I may have come up with it: Helping younger people and people that are disadvantaged.

Right now, I can do this in the form of volunteer work. I attended a volunteer event last Wednesday and will sign up for events next weekend. In the future, this could envision leaving Corporate America, going back to school, and becoming a guidance counselor and a coach. I still want to be able to do some side hustles, but now is the time to put this into motion.

For my entire life, I've always enjoyed helping others. It comes super natural to me. I'm only 30, but I've been through a lot of things and I know a lot of younger people, especially younger males, need more 'big brothers' and mentors in their life. I can be that person for them.

I found this one blog post: 7 Strange Questions that Help You Find Your Life Purpose

1. What is your favorite flavor of 'Crapp sandwich'? (Everything involves sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. What struggle are you willing to tolerate?)

For me, am I willing to accept less money to help others/make a bigger impact on the world? Right now, no, but in the future, I can see it.

2. What's true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry? (We have tendency to lose touch with what we loved as children because we only get rewarded for certain actions.)

For me, I would say that I haven't played team sports in about 8 years. I fell out of love with baseball, which I ALWAYS loved. I would say that I've been more guarded emotional, when I was a kid with a HUGE heart. Also, I'm not as close with my core family anymore. I need to fix all of these things!!!!!!

3. What makes you forget to eat and poop? (We've all had the experience of: Holy Crapp! I forgot about dinner)

For me, my passion is for self-improvement. I love competing with myself (and others). If I get hooked into a great book, I'll lose track of the time. If I'm journaling/in a flow state, I lose track of time. I lose track of time at the gym. When I'm working on some of my football models, I love track of time. If I play fantasy sports, I want to dominate and will be obsessed until I can beat the game.

4. How can you better embarrass yourself? (You must suck at something before you get better. Right now, you're fantasize about doing something, but fear is stopping you.)

For me, maybe singing or doing something musical. I've always wanted to try it. I've always been a jock.

5. How are you going to save the world? (In order to be happy/fulfilled, we must hold values greater than our own pleasure)

For me, I would say mentoring younger guys that lack a positive male influence in their lives. Spending time putting smiles on the faces of those in pain (e.g., soup kitchen)

6. If you had to leave the house all day, every day, where would you go?

The gym, taking a jog/walk down my the water, maybe even the library

7. If you were going to die 1 year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?

For me, make a positive impact on as many lives as possible. I would volunteer constantly. I would want to be remember someone who loved with all of his heart, was compassionate and kind. I've gotten away from that, but it's time to make things right again.

Ultimately, discovering your purpose comes down to 1 or 2 things that are bigger than yourself and bigger than those around you. Find a way to spend your limited amount of time on Earth well. Get off the couch and act now.

Could you have been a better husband? Yes, Absolutely!!! Would that have stopped them from leaving? No way because it's an internal struggle for them. The trigger could be many things (lack of happiness, lack of direction, boredom).

not all women cheat. Many women leave and don't cheat. Many more stay in marriages where they feel lonely and try to fill the void with volunteering, shopping, grandkids if they are that age to have them, or pets - and have an emotional need filled just enough to coexist with their husband. He wonders why at 65 she leaves him because she just wants to be able to come and go and not do his laundry and cook his meals. Its not fair to cast her as a cheater - which you have no proof. you can only answer for yourself. you want a fast track to divorce, when actually working on yourself is the only thing you should do right now. When you kick someone out of the house, they are no longer beholden to you and you can't expect they feel that you didn't mean it

More good posts on divorce/respect:

Feelings are irrational and will sabotage you every step. If you give into your feelings, bad things will happen.

The person that care the least about the relationship, controls it.

Don't project. Never think you really know what's going on in their mind. If she really wants to hang then she will ask, not you.

She thinks dating will bring back feelings and it seems logical on the surface but it NEVER happens that way. Sure you'll have a good time for a while but she'll never jump in with both feet. It will feel like work to her and she'll eventually give up.

For reconciliation to work, she has to already have those feelings, not "try" to bring them back. She won't have those feelings until she thinks she may lose you forever.

Just for dignity's sake I would start moving forward with a divorce. Whether you actually go through with it or not isn't important. She cheated twice because she got away for it the first time and believes she can talk you into staying like before. She doesn't think you have a backbone so file and show her you are serious. There's usually a cool down time between filing and actually making a court date so during that time you can determine if it's what you really want to do.

being nice will get you NOWHERE. Pull yourself out of her life. She needs to feel what's it's like to be without you in it. Sticking around only helps her move on, not you.

Tell her you think it’s best if you get a divorce then be cold and business-like as possible. This will do a couple of things. It will show you have backbone and not allow yourself to be disrespected. It will also start to wake her up to the reality of losing you for good and make her evaluate what she really wants. Don’t expect anything major to happen overnight but in the next couple of months I’m betting she’ll come around.

She has to miss you and feel what it’s going to be like to lose you before she even thinks about giving up the affair. If you try to make it work and force her into counseling then she’ll just end up resenting you. She has to WANT to work on the marriage first and if she doesn’t then you forcing the issue will just backfire on you.

I found the best way to save a marriage is to stop trying to save it. When you get dumped or cheated on, it’s up to them to win you back since they did wrong, not you. You just back away and let them see what life is like without you. In the mean time you work on yourself and work on emotionally detaching so you will be prepared for whatever happens.

Don’t think asking for a divorce is going overboard, it’s not and don’t think just because you file for a divorce you have to go through with it. It’s a show of strength which is what you need to do because any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

You can't "nice" someone out of an affair. The only way to end the affair is to end the marriage.

You need at least 6 months of hard NC for any changes to be worthwhile.

The longer you put up with their disrespect, the longer they'll do it. They'll respect you more once you put your foot down.

There's nothing you can do or say to get someone back. They have to want to try on their own accord.

The only way to get an Ex back is to stop trying. Indifference is the key. Once you stop caring, you can have anything you want.

After a break-up or separation, they may start contacting you a lot. This is to make sure they either (i) have control of you or (ii) feel guilty.

People want their exes back because they feel rejected and want to 'fix' their mistakes.

They won't feel any passion until they think they'll lose you for good.

After a week or 2 of NC, they aren't missing you yet. It's all about control/making you feel bad. They will try to manipulate into responding to booster their ego.

If you see them/try to hang with them after 1-2 weeks, they will flip flop and be gone soon.

The more affectionate you are, the more they will pull away because it's a false recover and they still may be having an emotional affair.

You’ve been a doormat all this time so she has no respect for you. You can’t love someone you don’t respect which is why she has been able to push you around. You had no backbone. The best thing you can do it reject her, ignore her calls, messages, turn down invites, ect. You have been too available all this time and that is a HUGE turnoff. She values what she can’t have and doesn’t appreciate what she does have.

Her deleting you from FB is just a ploy to get you to crack and contact her. She is still playing you because she knows you are weak (unattractive) and expects doing that will get your attention and make you go back on your word and try to beg her back, to boost her ego more. Don’t fall into this trap and see it for what it is. It’s all a game to her and she thinks she can control you.

You HAVE to stick to your guns and ignore, ignore, ignore. Your saving grace will be from cutting her out of your life and having a life without fixating on her. One day she will take back everything she said in your first post but that won’t be until she feels you no longer have any feelings left for her and are dating. My wife at one time said similar things to me and she ate her words.

Never contact when highly emotional or strong feelings are involved.

As long as someone is NC, they don’t know what you are doing/thinking and it lets their imagination run wild. They usually think worse case and it makes them think that they may have lost you and if that is really what they wanted.

Stop worrying about her forgetting you or moving on while out of contact. It’s that kind of thinking that sabotages most people’s opportunities to reconcile. You think if you go NC then they will leave for good (which technically they already did, you are still in denial) when in reality they only way they’ll want to come back is when they think you have moved on.

The best course of action is to continue to ignore her and act like you don't even know her. Don't let her see you hurt or suffering in any way. If she confronts you, say you are busy and leave and simply be disinterested. Act like you don't care and avoid having her see you.

When an ex wants you back they will let you know but it won't be all at once. They will slowly try to work themselves into your life and the harder it is for them the more desperate they will get. Most people think that once an ex has tried to contact them that if they ignore it the ex will just give up and move on (ignoring the fact the ex already has moved on by dumping you to begin with). If that was true then technically all dumpees would move one once the ex rejects them. We all know that's not the case or else forums like this wouldn't exists.

ALWAYS ignore these little “how are you”, “I’m doing this and that”, ect type text. She is just fishing for a response and the only reason she is doing this is that it’s become a challenge to her. If you had been responding back to her all along she most likely would be annoyed with you. Your “window of opportunity” will be after she has left the other guy. As long as she is dating someone you stick to your guns and stay NC at all cost. You would be surprised how cold they turn once you start talking again. One minute they are your best friend and waiting to go out for coffee, the next they say they can never speak to you again. Also don’t fixate on what a good time she must be having with the new guy. It’s never how you think it is.

Another update:

Wife texted me again this AM, asking if we could still go to the financial mediator tonight. (She refused to go last week, but is now changing her tune.) I ignored her. She kept texting me and calling me about it. I ignore her and call the mediator and reiterate that we aren't coming tonight because I've already hired an attorney. (Wife does not know about the attorney. Divorce papers were filed today.) She responds with some BS saying "It's very immature to not attend tonight. You made the appointment and agreed to go. Now, you want to cancel it. You ignoring me is not going to help. You won't agree to a way forward." Funny, because she ignored my e-mails about bills. Anyway. It's funny how she wants to get me to mediation yet criticized my actions while doing it.

She's back and forth, not wanting to talk to me when she feels like I'm hanging on. She also doesn't want to talk about the joint expenses, either. Now, she wants to 'mediate' after refusing to do so last week. This seems so typical; she wants to push me away, expecting me to run towards her. Also, didn't she need to talk to her attorney that was returning from vacation today?

Ultimately, she doesn't want to stop her financial security (me) even though she's moved on emotionally and expects me to beg for her to return.

Once she's served, I think she'll be surprised, solely because she hasn't been listening to me. She doesn't believe my words. Once she's served, she's either going to be super nasty or want to reconcile. (I think she'll be super nasty, so buckle up)

UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"

More Good Stuff Regarding Building Yourself Up After a Break-Up

1. The reason why she left is because you've become weak in more ways than one. You became predictable and no challenge to her. She wanted you to be unpredictable, challenging and fun again.

The only way to fix this is become the man again. (Not only will she be attracted, but others will be and you won't need her anymore.) Right now, you have to eliminate all of her power of you to later spark attraction. (Attraction meaning that you are a bro again for only yourself, not her). Right now, you feel bad because you put all of your self worth on her view of you. Right now, her view of you is super weak. Once you let her know you don't want her anymore, you will feel in more control and start your life FOR YOU. You went out like a whiny boy and she doesn't find that attractive. Flip the script to get your mojo back.

Don't worry about anything except your aesthetics, money, and flirt with new chicks. Getting dumped can be the best thing that's happened to you. One day, you'll wake up and say "F This. I need to go back to being the man again". Be the man you once were and everything else in your life will improve. Work hard at everything, put yourself first, and all else falls into place.

2. Female emotions cannot be logically defined by men. Don't waste your time thinking about what happened/what could have been. Think about what it can be and make it happen. You are going to talk yourself in circle for months until you wake up and get out of this fictitious reality you've created for yourself because you went soft and let a girl define you. Do not give her the time of day, do not text, do not response, do not get emotional. You will get whatever you want.

3. Always tell her that you understand and agree with the breakup. Then Go NC. She would love to watch you squirm, especially if you haven't treated her well. When you do see her, play it cool, don't be an @$$, show her the new side of you, don't bring up the breakup or any problems, and you'll be good.

4. At some point in the relationship, you stopped being the man and she took over and gamed your emotions. You became reactive instead of proactive. A follower instead of a leader. Whatever you did, push her away and let her come back to you, so you maintain your frame.

5. If you don't think it's working out, dump her immediately, drop off the face of the planet. No texts, calls, Facebook, smoke signals, etc. The only way to rebuild attraction is be the confident, cocky, mysterious dude that you once were and hook up with other girls and make sure she knows about it.

6. You have to show her (i) Your Value (Non-existent in her eyes), (ii) Your pre-selection (Other girls want you), (iii) Manliness (Walking away and not looking back), (iv) You are the prize (She has to earn it back).

7. Use every experience as a catalyst for change to become a better man. Sometimes, men get stuck emotionally in the past instead of embracing the future. Everyone gets their heart broken, learning why it happened can be a freeing experience to help you man-up, move on, and never allow her to get over on you again.

8. If you act like a bad@$$ and walk away like a man, she'll be unsure of herself and we'll want you in a few months time.

9. A woman's love is fickle and conditional no matter how long you've been together. Give her space and use dread games as a way to put things on ice.

10. You need to drive her nuts with aloofness before you can give in even the slightest. If done correctly, she will be yours for the taking if you even want her back.

11. If a wife/woman cheats, give her the boot before she does it against in future when you're even more invested and crushed. Ultimately, it's a lose-lose scenario. You either kick her to the curb and go through with the divorce OR you stay with her and she resents you for being weak, not giving her the boot, and feel as if you have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. (Gotta cut the cord. It'll be better for you down the line)

12. When she contacts with some dumb BS, she just wants validation or else she'll start unraveling. DO NOT THINK WITH YOUR HEART or you'll get screwed. In your world, she doesn't exist for the next several months as you work on you.

13. When things are going bad, you need to push her away and start acting cold/distance to draw her back. Be the man and be unphased by her BS. The more you do, the more her attraction will fall. (You need to do whatever is counterinutive)

14. Women want to be led by a man, not by a boy. You must always show that you're higher value than she is. That way, she knows you're the prize. Don't reward bad behavior. Ignore her.

15. Patience is key. Do not contact or chase. They always come back. Patience is a big part of the game. Reel her in like a big fish (slow, no sudden movements) and then let her go. Build anticipation then go NC for days. She'll reward you for playing it cool.

UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"

Dude, I dont even know you and I said the same.

Stop this.

You are digging so deep you wont be able to get out.

Death by ego...its not worth it.

9. A woman's love is fickle and conditional no matter how long you've been together. Give her space and use head games as a way to put things on ice.

 

10. You need to drive her nuts with aloofness before you can give in even the slightest. If done correctly, she will be yours for the taking if you even want her back.

 

 

12. When she contacts with some dumb BS, she just wants validation or else she'll start unraveling. DO NOT THINK WITH YOUR HEART or you'll get screwed. In your world, she doesn't exist for the next several months as you work on you.

 

13. When things are going bad, you need to push her away and start acting cold/distance to draw her back. Be the man and be unphased by her BS. The more you do, the more her attraction will fall. (You need to do whatever is counterinutive)

 

14. Women want to be led by a man, not by a boy. You must always show that you're higher value than she is. That way, she knows you're the prize. Don't reward bad behavior. Ignore her.

 

15. Patience is key. Do not contact or chase. They always come back. Patience is a big part of the game. Reel her in like a big fish (slow, no sudden movements) and then let her go. Build anticipation then go NC for days. She'll reward you for playing it cool.

These are so blatantly abusive I have to wonder if youre serious.

These are so blatantly abusive I have to wonder if youre serious.

Agreed. Really disturbing/sick. Can't believe that men really think this way. Pretty scary. Leaves one speechless.

Dude, I dont even know you and I said the same.

 

Stop this.

 

You are digging so deep you wont be able to get out.

 

Death by ego...its not worth it.

I understand how it can look that way. I just don't have any other options at this point. I have to protect myself and can't be subjected to her and her changing her mind. Also, I didn't want to sit around, feeling sad and upset anymore. I stopped eating for days at a time. I was sick. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to take control of this situation for me and for my piece of mind.

At this point, I think she's moved on emotionally, but I think she doesn't want to lose her sense of financial security (me), so she wants to keep on the string.

I'll list out all of the ways I've tried to be compassionate/understanding, below. I think she's just emotionally immature (Not say that I'm holier-than-thou).

///

1. I sent her a detailed e-mail about joint expenses 2 weeks ago. I attached tax returns, detailed bills, etc. I told her that I didn't have anything to hide and I wanted to be fair. I asked her to only send me money only for her expenses and half of the tax bill, which I clearly laid out for her. I will handle and pay the majority of the expenses.

Her response: She blew off my e-mail and continued spending money on frivolous stuff. When I finally looked at the banking and saw the charges, I closed the joint credit card. She got angry that I did this. When I asked her about the joint bills, her response was "Your email sounded like a business e-mail, which I hated. Plus, I had more time to review it". We've always been 100% truthful about money, bills, expenses, etc. I hurt that she blew off me e-mail. To me, it felt disrespectful.

2. I asked her to come back home multiple times because I loved her and wanted to work on things. Instead, she stayed at her parents' house and refused to come back.

Her response: She accused me of 'kicking her out'.

3. I agreed to go to counselling (and started going again) to work on some of my issues.

Her response: She was pleased with this.

4. By referral of my counselor, I selected a nice financial mediator, a little older lady, that was located by her parents' house. I told her I wanted to be fair and honest. I have nothing to hide.

Her response: She didn't want to go to the financial mediator. Instead, she wanted to use her mediator/lawyer and started asking me about assets that I don't even have yet. This started to worry me because it sounded as if she was working an attorney and I didn't have one yet. When I asked her for attorney's information, she didn't give it to me. Two days later, she changed her mind and wanted to go to my mediator. (I think her counselor convinced her to go.) By that time, I already hired an attorney because I didn't want to be jerked back and forth anymore. I had to take control of the situation and I need to protect myself.

5. I feel like she bailed on me during a time which I've been going through some job uncertainty. It may seem stupid to some, but men put a lot of onus of how they can provide for their family. I was feel unsure of myself, which is not attractive to women, so I shut down and started to plan out what was next, career-wise. Could I have handled this differently? Yes, I could have, but times like these are when you need your spouse the most. I could have included her more in the discussions, but as a man, I felt like I needed to have plan before showing it to her.

6. She may (or may not be) having an emotional affair at the very least. I have no proof, other than a bunch of phone logs of her calling the 42-year-old jerk for 30-40 minute blocks of time. I honestly don't care about that at this point. It just gives me more strength to move on and solidify my decision.

///

Overall, I don't think this is 'death by ego' at all. I had to take back control of the situation for myself. I needed to have piece of mind again and I couldn't be swayed by her changing in moods. At this point, there's no way we could sit in control of mediator and divide assets. We're both way too emotional over this situation. Therefore, the attorneys will handle it. That way, we both can just move forward with our lives.

In addition, I have to restore my confidence to move on. That may mean I seem 'overly cocky' right now, which is fine. Sometimes, you have to gas up to pull yourself out of a funk. I couldn't sit around and be sad, stop eating, feeling sorry for myself anymore. It's not healthy.

I agree you should be taking control of your situation and getting yourself legally represented in the best way but speaking to friends etc about it doesn't help i feel. Even if they contact you.

You can end this and resolve this all without turning it into such a battle/fight. If she chose to end the relationship then it's right that she no longer receives your financial or emotional support and your existing shared debts should be shared 50/50. There is just a bit too much anger remaining which i can kind of understand but you need to rise above that and just sort it all out with civility and professionally. It's coming across not that you are protecting your own interests but more that you want to hurt her.

Regarding some of those building yourself up/break up pointers i agree with some of that as a fellow male, a womans love being conditional is true but the truth is all human love is conditional, men and women. NOne of us are forced to stay with someone we don't love anymore. When we are unhappy we leave eventually but i'm guessing what that statement is saying is when a man gets ill his partner will leave which from friends and personal experience is true but you cannot say that about all women. It just means you picked a poor one. To hold that view about all women is unhealthy.

I agree you should be taking control of your situation and getting yourself legally represented in the best way but speaking to friends etc about it doesn't help i feel. Even if they contact you.

 

You can end this and resolve this all without turning it into such a battle/fight. If she chose to end the relationship then it's right that she no longer receives your financial or emotional support and your existing shared debts should be shared 50/50. There is just a bit too much anger remaining which i can kind of understand but you need to rise above that and just sort it all out with civility and professionally. It's coming across not that you are protecting your own interests but more that you want to hurt her.

 

Regarding some of those building yourself up/break up pointers i agree with some of that as a fellow male, a womans love being conditional is true but the truth is all human love is conditional, men and women. NOne of us are forced to stay with someone we don't love anymore. When we are unhappy we leave eventually but i'm guessing what that statement is saying is when a man gets ill his partner will leave which from friends and personal experience is true but you cannot say that about all women. It just means you picked a poor one. To hold that view about all women is unhealthy.

Hey Ninja, thanks for responding. I agree with you. Talking to mutual friends/her family is not a good idea. That's why I'm not doing it. It's not fair and that's her support system, just like my family/friends are my support system.

I don't want to hurt her in anyway possible. That's why I was 100% transparent from the start. I put my sword down and showed her our bills, tax returns, etc. I told her that I don't have anything to hide---and I mean that with all my heart. From a legal perspective, filing for divorce now can protect any potential assets that I may receive in the future. My severance payment would be fairly substantial, plus I want to make a lifestyle change. Therefore, I had to file to protect it and protect myself.

I will always lover her, no matter what. We've had an amazing life together. I don't want to force her to do anything. I know she's hurt and upset just like I am. I filed because I had to be proactive for the both of us so we can both move on. I'm no trying to 'teach her a lesson' or anything. I'm being a man, stepping up to the plate, and doing what is best.

Ok, on my part i must point out i've never been married so i'm not sure how the legality of it all works if it comes crumbling down. Possible naivety shown on my part. Just try not to let things get too nasty if that's possible, it will just ruin the good memories. Wish you all the best.

Hey Ninja, thanks for responding. I agree with you. Talking to mutual friends/her family is not a good idea. That's why I'm not doing it. It's not fair and that's her support system, just like my family/friends are my support system.

 

I don't want to hurt her in anyway possible. That's why I was 100% transparent from the start. I put my sword down and showed her our bills, tax returns, etc. I told her that I don't have anything to hide---and I mean that with all my heart. From a legal perspective, filing for divorce now can protect any potential assets that I may receive in the future. My severance payment would be fairly substantial, plus I want to make a lifestyle change. Therefore, I had to file to protect it and protect myself.

 

I will always lover her, no matter what. We've had an amazing life together. I don't want to force her to do anything. I know she's hurt and upset just like I am. I filed because I had to be proactive for the both of us so we can both move on. I'm no trying to 'teach her a lesson' or anything. I'm being a man, stepping up to the plate, and doing what is best.

Kid, you can be proactive without being vindictive.

You say you can’t depend on her ever changing stances which I agree! But kidd you haven’t exactly been level headed yourself you also went from mediation to not, from communication to not to allowing your ego to drive the car, you’re being petty right now. I get it you’re mad she didn’t respond to your email, she’s probably hurt about your recent interactions as well so the hurt feelings are being fed while the adult feelings are being starved to death.

Your refusal to see a mediator at this point is petty, there’s no other way to put it, I’ve read your other posts, you’re being petty man. It’s your turn to tell her no, that’s what this is, you think you’re ‘winning’ right now but you aren’t.

Again protecting yourself is not the same as being vindictive.

It saves your finances and calms the waters to go to mediation.

But you’re mad.

This is your life and your choices. Own the reasons though. This went past protecting your assets long ago.

Kid, you can be proactive without being vindictive.

 

You say you can’t depend on her ever changing stances which I agree! But kidd you haven’t exactly been level headed yourself you also went from mediation to not, from communication to not to allowing your ego to drive the car, you’re being petty right now. I get it you’re mad she didn’t respond to your email, she’s probably hurt about your recent interactions as well so the hurt feelings are being fed while the adult feelings are being starved to death.

 

Your refusal to see a mediator at this point is petty, there’s no other way to put it, I’ve read your other posts, you’re being petty man. It’s your turn to tell her no, that’s what this is, you think you’re ‘winning’ right now but you aren’t.

 

Again protecting yourself is not the same as being vindictive.

 

It saves your finances and calms the waters to go to mediation.

 

But you’re mad.

 

This is your life and your choices. Own the reasons though. This went past protecting your assets long ago.

How do you think I'm being vindictive?

On Thursday, I proposed the mediator. She said no. Because she said no, on Friday, I hired the attorney and had to pay for it. On Saturday, she decides that she wants to do the mediator. She follows up with me on Monday about it. I called the mediator again and tell her that we aren't coming. At this point, I'm not telling her about the attorney. I don't think that's being vindictive when she hasn't been totally clear and honest, either.

Also, I haven't noted this. I'm still too emotionally charged, in a sad way, about this whole thing. Could I have done the mediator if my life depended upon it? Sure, I would have needed to push myself big time, but I think it would have just been more arguing since we're both super stubborn about things. Going the legal route takes more emotions out of it, which would be better for both of us. We both want out of the marriage, so taking the least emotional route is the best route.

She has wanted to go to counseling with you, to which you have refused. And now you will go to counseling BUT ALSO THE LAWYER. I think you want to have the fantasy of being the poor, hurt man with a vindictive wife. All she has wanted is your attention and to go to counseling and you kicked her out of the house and now want a swifty divorce. WHy not instead of pushing it all at once you do that one simple step - you go to several counseling sessions without moving forward on anything else.

All you care about is she got her nails done, or had a meal other things you feel are not self care but are frivolous.

How do you think I'm being vindictive?

 

Well there are many examples I just grabbed the first one I saw....

Another update:

 

Wife texted me again this AM, asking if we could still go to the financial mediator tonight. (She refused to go last week, but is now changing her tune.) I ignored her. She kept texting me and calling me about it. I ignore her and call the mediator and reiterate that we aren't coming tonight because I've already hired an attorney. (Wife does not know about the attorney. Divorce papers were filed today.) She responds with some BS saying "It's very immature to not attend tonight. You made the appointment and agreed to go. Now, you want to cancel it. You ignoring me is not going to help. You won't agree to a way forward." Funny, because she ignored my e-mails about bills. Anyway. It's funny how she wants to get me to mediation yet criticized my actions while doing it.

 

She's back and forth, not wanting to talk to me when she feels like I'm hanging on. She also doesn't want to talk about the joint expenses, either. Now, she wants to 'mediate' after refusing to do so last week. This seems so typical; she wants to push me away, expecting me to run towards her. Also, didn't she need to talk to her attorney that was returning from vacation today?

 

Ultimately, she doesn't want to stop her financial security (me) even though she's moved on emotionally and expects me to beg for her to return.

 

Once she's served, I think she'll be surprised, solely because she hasn't been listening to me. She doesn't believe my words. Once she's served, she's either going to be super nasty or want to reconcile. (I think she'll be super nasty, so buckle up)

 

UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"

I bolded what stuck out but honestly the whole post is what I’d define as ego driven actions.

Not really seeing self preservation. I’m seeing a wounded dog who snaps when someone reaches out to him. I’m seeing an act, one that led to this point ironically. I’m seeing thinly veiled insecurity and a refusal to be humble because you believe it’s a weakness. I see a bunch of regurgitated ‘online guru’ verbiage, that teaches how to abuse and exploit vulnerability in someone all for the sake of winning. Most of all I see a situation that will be regretted once the smoke clears because he seems like a very decent man who is willing to do anything to stop the hurt, including pushing everyone away and burning down his own home.

Just an update. A buddy texted me, telling me that she changed her display name on all social media back to her maiden name and deleted all pictures with me. I haven't gone on social media in awhile, so I went on and took a look. Sure enough, she blocked me and deleted all pictures with me. Eh, it is what it is at this point. I don't think she's been served yet, but she's trying to get a reaction since I've blown her off for about a week.

Overall, I'm feeling good in NC. NC count is at 6 days.

Well, more craziness to add to the story.

My wife called my Mom this morning. Over the last few years, I've had a rocky relationship with my Mom. Our contact has been sporadic, but my Mom and I have started talking again. My wife and my Mom were never very close, so I found this odd.

My Mom said she received a few different calls from numbers she didn't recognize this AM. When she called one of them back, it was my wife. My wife asked how she was (My Mom isn't in good health), then starts to pry into my Mom, asking her when's the last time I've talked to her, tells my Mom that I'm a liar, blamed my Mom and Dad's divorce as the reason why things have gone south, etc. My Mom refused to give her any information from any of our discussions. My wife ended the discussion by insulting my Mom by saying something along the lines of "Well, aren't you going to say that you enjoyed being my mother-in-law for the last 5 years?" and my Mom just said "I'll talk to you later, goodbye". Basically, she wanted to know what I've been telling my Mom, tried to get my Mom to side with her, told her that I'm a liar, etc. When my Mom suggested that she end the relationship, my wife was silent.

Overall, I'm pretty pissed that she called my Mom. My Mom is one of my soft spots, but at the same time, I don't really care because my Mom is a strong woman. It's crazy of my wife to try to side my family with her.

At this point, I think my wife is upset that she no longer controls me/the situation. She's lashing out at my family, deleting a bunch of things on social media, etc. She's trying to get to me--and I'm just not letting her do it. I think she's become unhinged. Who knows what'll happen when she gets served the divorce papers.

On a positive note, I met the big boss of the acquiring company today. He made it clear that they want me to join the company and have a great idea for a role for me. Despite the craziness, the future is starting to become clear. Good things on the horizon.

Well, more craziness. She sent my Dad a lengthy email this afternoon. Here are the key summary points. This is written from

My Dad’s perspective:

Here is a recap of her note to me:

1. She claims that I have significant influence over you.

2. She claims to have “been there” for me for 11 years implying that I should be there for her.

3. She reiterated how much you and her helped Your Mom and that took a toll on your marriage.

4. She claims that I am projecting my failed marriage on to her marriage. She says that you had a good marriage and that I told you to be selfish.

5. She claims that I should have told the two of you to go to therapy.

6. She blames you for the failure of the marriage. Claims you were mean and not nice.

7. Claims that during the therapy session, she was in hysterics and you did not respond.

8. She claims that you pushed her out of the apartment.

9. She claims that you were seeking advice from Red Pill.

10. She claims that only she understands the marriage and not anyone else.

11. She claims that you should not have gotten advice from Your aunt (attorney).

12. She claims that her parents reached out to you.

She closes with a few other disrespectful comments about to me.

Did some volunteer work today. It was a field day for underprivileged kids. The kids had a great time and ran me ragged. We played full court basketball (haven't done that in ages), soccer, volleyball, and dodgeball. The kids loved playing and I was happy to be their 'big brother' for the morning/afternoon. In addition, I met and network-ed with other volunteers. People from all walks of life do this work, which is great. I had a great time meeting, playing with, and interacting with the kids and other volunteers. Whenever things have gotten rocky, volunteer work always makes me feel better and put things into perspective. I started to feel like myself again, so I'm on the right path.

Tomorrow, I'm going to coach baseball. It's a league for kids with special needs. It's going to be another special day. I can't wait for it.

Even though things are crazy, taking time to help others is always good. It makes me for fortunate for everything that I have and how blessed I am.