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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #791
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Dropping by for another update.

    The biggest lesson that I've learned through this entire process: You're responsible for yourself and yourself alone. It doesn't mean that you need to be heartless, rather you have to make sure you're happy with yourself before anything else. I spent so many years catering to the needs/wants of others that I lost sight of what made me happy. (e.g., I was codependent on my ex-wife, I did literally everything to help my Mom, but it was never enough for her, which led to me feeling shame). I can't worry about what happened in the past/ask myself what I would have done differently, etc. The past is the past. All I can do is learn from it and change my own behavior.

    Also, setting boundaries is huge. I always let people steamroll through my boundaries. Both of my parents were people pleasers, so it's behavior that I saw and thought was normal. It is not normal, at all. People will take advantage of you if you don't have any boundaries/bend over backwards to please them. My Dad would constantly complain that my Mom didn't treat him well/was mean, but he failed to act and never stood up for himself. I used to feel bad for him, but I don't anymore. He failed to act as a man and that had residual effects. I allowed it to affect me, which I own and accept, so I had to take time to learn from the situation, fix my own thinking and move forward in a healthy way.

    Over the last few months, I've slowly started to change. I have more boundaries and I've been putting myself first. I've made sure that I'm happy and doing things that I want to do. A lot of people that have been in my life for a long time have reacted negatively to this because it's a clear change in my behavior and they aren't getting the same reaction as before. Some want to try to steamroll and control---and I'm not letting it happen anymore. My ex-wife was hell-bent on getting a reaction from me, but I never gave it to her. My Mom loves to try to shame me that I "Don't do enough for her", but I know my truths. My Dad wants me to accept his new wife, but there's a clear conflict of values. He opted to have an affair with her and marry her. I believe in always being honest and true---and having an affair is not being honest and true. It's one thing to handle your business and start a new relationship---it's another to have an affair for years and then act like it's all good when you finally grow a pair to end your existing marriage.

    I've spent so much time in counselling, self-reflection, self-study, reading, etc. that I've totally transformed my outlook and mindset for the better. Onwards.

  2. #792
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Back for another update. Overall, things are good. All of my divorce paperwork is signed and filed with the court. Just need a judge to sign-off on it and I'm finished. I made my first alimony payment to my ex last week, so I only have 11 more to go. Short-term, it'll hurt a little, but long-term, I'll be okay. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world right now and am working in a strategic role for them. Things are good and I'm super optimistic about the future even though some of the tasks/duties/responsibilities can be boring/dull.

    My new girlfriend is great. We've been dating for a few months--and we're having a lot of fun. She wants more and more of time and presence, which is cool. She just started a new job, so I'm trying to give her a lot of time and space to get situated. We've been going to fun shows, fun events, etc.

    I know a lot of people have given me grief over 'jumping' into another relationship, but honestly, I operate much differently now than I did with my ex. Things I've improved upon from the last relationship to this relationship:

    1. I've gotten very, very good at just listening. I've stopped trying to be a problem solver and have just shown more compassion and understanding. I've learned that it's disrespectful to try to 'fix' someone's life or offer advice when they don't ask for it.
    2. I've gotten very good at ask questions and setting boundaries. I try to put the attention on other people 90% of the time and just listen. I try to interject with my own experiences when the time is right, but more times than not, I just let them talk. I find listening to other people to be very interesting.
    3. I give people a lot of space. I don't bombard anyone (e.g., girlfriend, friends, family, co-workers) and just let them come to me. I have plenty of things to keep me busy.
    4. Positive encouragement. I try to be the biggest cheerleader in the world for my friends, girlfriend, etc. I try to pump everyone up because the world is just so negative now.
    5. I'm more assertive with my wants/needs/desires. If something doesn't suit me, I express it. I'm not afraid to have an unpopular opinion.

    That's it for now. I'll catch ya later.

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