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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #781
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Here's a general timeline of how things have played out over the last year:

    ē Summer 2018: I start having doubts about the marriage and my overall direction in life. I expressed to my wife that I wanted to start going to counselling to deal with some personal issues (e.g., my parentís divorce, career things that had me feeling down). My wife doesnít think this is a good idea and is afraid of divorce. I decide against going to counselling and try to work on things with her directly. Instead, she starts building a new social circle of girlfriends. I donít have any desire to hang with them. We start spending a lot of time apart. Looking back on it, this was her way of building a safety net.

    ē Fall 2018: My wife and I start engaging in bigger arguments/fights. I was still dealing with unresolved issues from my parentsí divorce. To rectify, I start going to counselling for weekly sessions and start a very good workout routine. Counselling definitely helps me. I start feeling better, but Iím still dealing with pain from my parentís divorce and job uncertainty. I tell my wife that I won the problems that have resulted from my parents' divorce/how its affected me. She's happy with my progress... my wife and I start having really good sex. I turn 30-years-old.

    ē Early 2019: I ask my wife to just be more compassionate. Instead, she drills me with questions all the time. We start separating our assets, Iíve checked out of all family events with her family. At this point, weíve totally lost track of our romantic and friendship side of our relationship.

    ē March 2019: Wife moves out, refuses to give me money for joint expenses. Iím left with $45,000 in bills that I need to figure out how to pay. Wife goes haywire on my family and blames them for the way things are.

    ē April 2019: I file for divorce after I realize sheís running up credit card debt under my name and refuses to give me any money. I start spending a lot of time in counselling, reading, self help stuff, etc. I keep going to the gym.

    ē Spring 2019: I start to rebuild my life as the divorce continues. I start volunteering, connecting with old friends, making new friends, doing softball. My Dad gets re-married. Issues with him/new wife emerge. We ultimately fixed things, but it was a temporary fix.

    ē Summer 2019: I re-connect with my Mom. I visited her for the first time in awhile. I start reconnecting with my longtime childhood friends. Man, I missed them. I start dating and plan some really cool trips. Divorce is about to be finalized as well.

  2. #782
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Tomorrow night, I leave for my big trip. Today, however, I'm just not feeling too confident. The interaction with my Dad has put me in a pretty bad mood for the last two days. Work is meh, doing a lot of mindless work right now while we all sit in limbo. I, however, have stayed active and busy by going to the gym, spent time with friends, etc. I do need to get myself out of this job limbo, though. I'm only sitting through it because the financial package is pretty nice and I'll need the money. I feel like the job limbo has demotivated everyone. I'm being asked to do tasks that I'm not very good at all because we weren't able to get additional help. This isn't as much my problem as its the company's problem. Also, many people work remotely now, but I'm choosing not to do that because I live alone and who wants to sit lone and work on mindless stuff all day.

    I have to be more proactive as I start thinking about the next few years. I've had a lot of success doing fantasy sports and related activities. A lot of that has been very fruitful. I told myself a few years ago that I don't want to do corporate jobs for a long time. I don't like the backstabbing, butt kissing, etc. It's not authentic and it's not who I am. I've been fortunate to work with a lot of very nice/cool people, so the job hasn't been that bad.

    Overall, I've dealt with a lot of disappointment in 2019; (i) my marriage ended so I feel like a 'failure', (ii) my job has been stuck in limbo for over a year and just rocky relationship with people I work with because I just don't care as much anymore, (iii) my roller-coaster relationship with both parents and getting blamed by both sides of the family because I "haven't done enough", (iv) I have to pay alimony to a woman who I loved and gave the world to, financial-wise, (v) reconnecting with my sister who went through a terrible eating disorder, (vi) putting down our family dog, (vii) Uncle passed away. A lot of good things have happened too (e.g., great physical shape, reconnecting with friends, dating new girls, cool fantasy stuff, some exciting trips planned).

    I think I've had it pretty easy, so this year has been a grind for me. I'm doing my best, moving forward, and just being the best man I can be.

  3. #783
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Just got home from my big trip, which was the best fun I've ever had on vacation. It was essentially an all-expenses paid vacation to California with many cool activities planned. I brought my new girlfriend (Girl #2) with me---and we had a blast. I won the trip through a fantasy sports company, so they paid my way and I got play in a 'live final' event. So cool. Brief recap of the trip is presented below.

    Wednesday night: Flight. Company put us in First Class. Amazing Experience.
    Thursday: Went to a scenic beach, met up with friends, rented a convertible, and went to a free country music concert.
    Friday: Went to the zoo, did a lot of sight-seeing, and went to a baseball game at night.
    Saturday: Did more sightseeing, played in the 'live final', went out with new baseball friends
    Sunday: Drove to Los Angeles for more sight seeing and then flew home.

    What a weekend. My girlfriend was so happy and excited (as was I). She's so nice and personable and got along so well with everyone.

  4. #784
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I just want to say good job reconnecting with your mum. I have some backstory on your relationship with your dad and the wedding earlier this year. Great to read the progress with your trips and your date #2 also. She sounds lovely. You sound more and more positive as the weeks go by.

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  6. #785
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Hi all, dropping in for another update.

    Overall, things are going well. Two weeks ago, I took Girl #2 to my college buddy's wedding. Everyone raved about how great she is, how lovely she is, etc. I met my ex-wife in college, so I assumed it may be weird with my college friends, but it wasn't at all. Girl #2 fits in like a glove and people loved her. Girl #2 recently lost her job (bad boss, not the right fit.), so I've been supportive of her, been spending a lot of time with her, etc. We've started to merge our social circles, which is fun and exciting.

    Job-wise, I was told that I'm keeping my job, my same salary, benefits, etc. I can move from NYC to either Florida or California, so that's an option. There aren't a lot of specific details regarding the future of this job, so I'm taking things one day at a time.

    My divorce is just about finalized. I've signed every document, so I'm just awaiting a court date.

    Onwards!

  7. #786
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Hey all, dropping by for another update.

    Earlier today, I spent some time reflecting on the last eight years, especially the last six months. Professionally, I've worked so hard and have had a lot of success. I've pivoted and moved roles when the time was right and also built solid relationships. I've also made a lot of money. That money, however, has very dwindled since I got married/am getting divorced. Still, I was thinking about it--and I don't have any regrets because I gave my heart and soul into every aspect of the marriage. I bought my ex a nice engagement ring, which she loved, gave her the wedding/honeymoon of her dreams, paid off a lot of her student loan debt, bought her two cars, etc. Granted, we both had good jobs, but I was the bread winner and taking care of her was what I wanted to do. I have to pay her alimony for a year, which stinks, given what I've done for her, but that's the system we live in. I knew what I was signing up for---and I don't have any regrets.

    Since we've been separated, I've taken chances on investments/opportunities that I never would have. Some of those things (e.g., fantasy sports) have worked out so far. Other things (e.g., some risky investments) haven't. Looking back, getting involved in risky investments when my headspace wasn't 100% right wasn't the best decision, but I learned from it. Life is all about learning and I've been doing a ton of it.

    In terms of my relationships with friends and family, some new friendships have emerged, while most of my family relationships have fallen apart. Some family claim I haven't "done enough" for my Mom, who isn't in the best health, but I've done everything in my power to help her. She lives 3 hours away from me--and I've done my best to take care of her, visit her, call her, etc. I can't worry about what other people think; I can only stand by my truth. My Dad and I don't talk much, which is fine. He is doing what he think is best for his life. I don't like some of our recent interactions, so I've taken a giant step back. I've gone through this tough divorce solo. I knew that if I can get through this, I can get through anything.

    My new girlfriend is so great. I'm taking things one day at a time--and taking things slow. She's so fun, happy, carefree, etc. She's been such a gift for me and has been super cool. Over the last few years, I've developed massive anxiety, but that all seem to go away when I met her. Granted, I still get anxious from time-to-time, but her energy and joy just makes me so happy.

    Overall, there's some good and some bad, but I've become very introspective. I've gotten very good at self evaluating and being honest with myself. I'm still taking things day by day, but I'm human and allowed to make mistakes. I'm going to keep doing new things (travelling with my girlfriend and her friends to her college campus for football/fun this weekend).

    During the last few years, at some point, I stopped living life. I started living my life a few months ago---and things are getting much better. Onwards.

  8. #787
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    If you are not yet divorced, new dates and girlfriends are merely a distraction. Because you get along with them is not proof of healing. As a divorced person myself, other emotions will hit at different stages in the process. Great reconnecting with your mom. But I'd cool it on new woman #1, #2, and so forth. Less arm candy -- otherwise you are going to repeat the same marriage again

  9. #788
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Back for another journal update.

    Through counselling, reading, doing self-evaluation, etc., I've accepted the fact that I've struggled with Codependency for nearly my entire life. I take full responsibility for it because I never looked inward to see that it was destroying my life. When I think back to my childhood, I realize that my Mother is the biggest Codependent that I've ever seen. She totally gave up her life for my sister and I---and still, to this day, reminds us of this fact. She doesn't have any regrets about it---but it was not a healthy way to life and as children, it shaped us, big-time. Both my sister and I have gone through extensive counselling to work through these issues. Still, to this day, we're both working through it as we try to understand ourselves more.

    I look back on all of my relationships---and I realize that I went for needy girls because I felt like I could 'fix' all of their issues and essentially bury myself into them. In turn, this led to the relationship becoming totally toxic because my self-worth became tied to 'taking care of them'. My ex-wife was the perfect match for the Codependent kidd55. She had family issues, money issues, daddy issues, money issues, emotional issues, etc. I felt like I could be knight in shining armor. Being her white knight made me feel good---at the expense of really looking at my true, inner core and thinking about what would make ME happy and realizing that I am not responsible for her issues; I am only responsible for myself and my own issues. My ex-wife and I were not two independent people that came together to form a better team. Instead, I totally buried myself into her--and look where that got me. I stopped looking inward, I stopped thinking about what would make me happy, etc. Over the last 2-3 years of my marriage, I was so unhappy because I bottled up my emotions and never said anything. I became deeply unhappy.

    Over the last few months, as I've started dating this new girl, I've been proactively watching my actions, words, responses, etc. So far, I've done well. I totally let her come and go as she pleases. I don't try to solve her problems. She knows that I'm there for her, but I don't make it my job to solve all of her issues. She's very independent and I think her upbringing was pretty normal, but I don't really know for sure. I don't try to control her; I just accept her for who she is. This mindset and action plan has made me feel much more at ease. I feel more relaxed, I'm not as anxious anymore, etc.

    I still need to spend more time ironing out some of my own things and becoming more self-aware, but I'm taking things a day at a time. I'm not obsessing over every detail, not worried about her every move, etc. I'm more focused on myself, my goals, my own well being, etc. When I'm with her, I focus on having fun, being present, and just going with the flow. Life is much easier without any expectations.

  10. #789
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Time to start hitting this journal more frequently. I want to build more self awareness, so I'm going to be honest about my own feelings, thoughts, etc.

    So far, today has been a good day. I woke up, reviewed some of my sports teams, took a nice shower, made it to the train on time. When I got on the train, I listened to some of my favorite relaxing, morning music. I got a coffee, was nice to the attentant behind the counter and had a nice subway ride to work. I smiled at an old lady on the subway and she smiled back. I asked some co-workers about their weekends---and I actively listed and asked questions. I'm proud of myself for doing this. At one point this morning, I did start to have some negative feelings creep into my head regarding my girlfriend, but it was just my insecurity screaming at me. I acknowledged the feelings, but also understood that I can only control myself and it's a waste of time/energy to worry about things I can't control. (Plus, there's nothing to worry about.)

    For the rest of the day, I plan on finishing off a few projects at work, having a good lunch, getting a good workout in after work, and relaxing/watching some baseball tonight. I have a conference and a charity event tomorrow, so it'll be a busy day.

    Here are a list of my favorite things/activities

    Favorite music: Rap/hiphop for exercise, rock/some country for driving, Hans Zimmer for whenever the occasion is right.
    Favorite movies: The Town, Good Will Hunting, A League of Their Own, Wedding Crashers, Superbad
    Favorite food: Pizza, protein bars
    Favorite school subjects: History, gym.
    Favorite sports: Baseball, football, basketball
    Favorite hobbies: Fantasy sports, working out, volunteering
    Favorite animals: Dogs
    Favorite books: The Power of Positive Thinking
    Ideal job/favorite job: Multi-faceted. Fantasy sports mixed with helping young people.
    Places I want to travel to: Hawaii, Australia, China, Cancun, Hans Zimmer concert, New Orleans, Nashville, every baseball stadium in the MLB, Rose Bowl on New Year's day
    What kind of house I want to live in: Small, 3 bedrooms, near the beach. small yard, a few dogs, walking trail near the house.
    What type of family would I like to have: One that loves each other, doesn't set expectations on each other, 2-3 kids, beautiful/sweet/passionate wife.
    What do I want to look like physically: 190-210 pounds (Currently 195). Low body fat, muscular, beard. Wearing blues to make me eyes stand out.
    How do you want to feel mentally/physically: Totally relaxed, accepting things as they are. Realizing that life is not perfect, Working out daily to make myself feel good mentally and physically.

    By making this list, I realize that there are a lot of places I want to visit. In terms of looks/working out, I'm in pretty good shape already, but I have to keep it up.

    Tomorrow, I'm going to focus on my values and beliefs.

  11. #790
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    My divorce is basically finalized. Everything is signed and subtitled to the court. Tonight, My ex came by the apartment to get the rest of her stuff. I nearly put all of her stuff on sidewalk because I didnít want her inside the apartment. Anyway, I sat next to stuff, she drove up, some guy she was with also drove up, they saw the stuff and I walked back inside. I didnít engage either of them because I knew she was bringing this guy to cause trouble. She could have brought her brother or a family member, but brought this guy instead. I didnít engage either one and just walked back inside. This guy started smoking immediately and she was horrible asthma. Not a great situation.

    I told my girlfriend about my ex coming to get her stuff. She was supportive and happy that I told her. She even sent me a text an hour before the ex came, saying Ďjust wanted to send you some love. Thanks for telling me about your stuff tonight. I appreciate it. Cheers to this being over!í Iíve been honest with her from the start.

    Iíve been true to myself and at the end of the day, thatís all that matters.

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