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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #761
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Today went a lot better than I thought it would! I woke up nice and early, met my sister in the lobby, kept her stuff in my room, and treated her to a nice breakfast. My sister said she barely recognized me because I've gotten into such great shape. (I received a lot of compliments throughout the day). Thankfully, she ate a full breakfast and we updated each other on our lives. She was telling me about the new guy she dating, some career updates, etc. I kept things light and jokey; I didn't bring up my wife at all. I talked about work, rehashed old family memories, etc. We were laughing the whole time. After breakfast, we got changed and went to the beach for a few hours. I reserved us a nice cabana and we spent a few hours on the beach together. We swam, hung out, told jokes, etc. Afterwards, we parted and got ready for the wedding.

    The wedding itself was a little weird. My new stepmom didn't greet us at all. She seemed annoyed, but maybe she was nervous? Who knows. Only the kids (my sister and I plus my stepmom's kids) were invited. The stepmom's kids were very attentive to all of the details associated with the wedding (e.g., carrying stuff around). My sister and I just had to show up and stand there, which was great. We all took some pictures afterwards. My sister and I took some great photos together. She posted them to social media and one of her co-workers thought we were dating LOL awkward. The ceremony was short, it briefly rained, and then we all had a quick drink before dinner. The drinks definitely lighted everyone up; we started to connect more with the stepmom's kids, who are about 10 years younger. We had a nice dinner, cake, and my sister and I finished the night by grabbing one last drink and playing an arcade claw machine (We won a small prize and gave it to a kid, LOL)

    My sister asked me about my wife several times throughout the day. My sister asked me if I was dating other people and whether I missed my wife. I told her that I'm meeting new people through different avenues (volunteer work, online dating just to chat.) In terms of 'missing her', I told her that things are what they are at this point. I saw her texting my wife at one point. My wife and my sister are close and hung out a few weeks ago. (My wife needed to get some of her things from my sister's house, so she went there and they had lunch. I asked my sister how my wife was and she said that she was doing well, but looked dead tired). At first, I opposed to them talking, but I don't really care anymore. I'm the man and anyone is lucky to be apart of my life.

    My big takeaway from today: My sister and I had a great day together. Her and I haven't been close, but this experience has brought us together. I had her laughing all day long, I paid her way for all activities, and tried to keep a smile on her face. She seemed relieved and happy all day long. Everything happens for a reason---and maybe this is a way for us to reconnect and build a better relationship. I love my sister and we have such fun together. I'm looking forward to another fun day tomorrow.

    My Dad seemed generously happy to marry this woman. I don't like her at all and think she's disgusting, but he's happy. I'm happy for my Dad despite my feelings about her personally.

  2. #762
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, I'm about to fly home, but I wanted to post one last update.

    Last night, my Dad and his new wife invited me to dinner. My sister flew home a few hours earlier, so it was only the three of us. I've always had an eerie feeling about these types of meetings because I feel cornered, but I gave it a shot anyway since the weekend was going well.

    The purpose of the dinner was ultimately to talk about my sister. My Dad and sister have had a rocky relationship since his new wife entered the picture. He started to see her in 2010. Anyway, my Dad and sister were always very close, but things happened when his new wife entered the picture. He wanted to ask me about my sister and seek ways to rebuild the relationship with her. I gave him my honest opinion about the situation. I told him that my sister is very hurt, feels like she's been replaced, etc. My sister has deep psychological issues now, had an eating disorder, etc. I told him that she has to dictate the relationship with him at this point. He started talking about how badly my sister treats him, how she's mean, etc. I re-iterated that my sister is very hurt, is unstable right now, and he has to listen to her and appeal to her emotions. He wasn't having it.

    Towards the end of the dinner, he said that his relationship with his new wife was the #1 priority in his life. That hit me hard. His actions have shown us that that's the case, but hearing him say it out-loud hurt. I thanked them for dinner and just walked out of the restaurant. I went for an hour-long walk alone. He called me several times and I agreed to meet up with him later in the night.

    Later in the night, him and I met. I told him that I was hurt by his words (even though his actions have confirmed this words). I always felt like kids should become ahead of any girlfriend, but he kept using the excuse that 'we're adults now, we should live our own lives, blah blah blah'. I agree that we're all adults, but kids don't want to feel like they're in second place to mistress that he married.

    In closing, I told him that I was angry with his behavior. When I was a child, I observed a lot of his passive behavior and adopted it for myself. This led to a lot of hurt and pain in my relationships because I didn't have proper boundaries. I told him this---and he apologized, saying that he wasn't man enough to see what he was doing. I've unlearned most of those behaviors, but it took me a long time to fix it.

    Before we left, I told him that we all make decisions. The fact that he chose to marry this woman, despite our reservations and issues with her, would mean that he won't see us as often. We associate her with a lot of bad feelings/memories and seeing him is just something that we feel like we 'have to do'. It's no longer enjoyable. It hurts because we used to love seeing my Dad. He was a great Dad and we always had so much fun together. He was my one 'safe person' in life---and now I feel like I don't have that anymore. It sucks and I'm hurt by all of this. I can't wait to go home.

    I'm just tired of being hurt. I've spent the last few years being hurt, trying to be there for people, etc. It just sucks and I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

  3. #763
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Definitely feel like the universe is testing me right now. In between the pain of the divorce, which isnít moving along as quickly as I hoped, some relative job uncertainty, this past weekend with my Dadís comments and some of my friends just flaking on plans, things arenít going my way. I do have a lot to be grateful for (e.g., my improved relationship w/ my sis, Iím in the best shape of my life, Iím healthy, volunteer work). Some days, I do miss having someone to share my day-to-day life with. Granted, I have my friends and Iíve started meeting some new people, but I love having someone there on a day-to-day basis. Maybe thatís somewhat codependency? Iíll talk to my counsellor on Thursday about that.

    Anyway, Iíve had a few periods in my life where Iíve been a Lone Ranger and Iíve had to stare at tough issues head-on. Iíve always come out stronger and came out a more dynamic, resilient person. I do have things to work on (e.g. not saying hurtful things, being more patient, accepting people for who they are, giving my precious time to those who deserve it).

    The conversation with my Dad, above entry, definitely hurts. I felt like my Mom and Dad have always been my Ďsafe peopleí. I still have both of them, but theyíre getting old and a little jaded? Iíll try to love and accept them for who they are.

    I also started thinking more about the working out and volunteer work. I do feel a lot of pain on the inside, so Iíve been seeking outlets to release it in a healthy way. I can lift, slam, control weights when I work out. I take my pain out on the iron. With volunteer work, the people and kids need my help and guidance. I know they wonít hurt me, so I can just freely give to them.

    This entry is somewhat of a ramble, but it made me feel better. Until next time....

  4. #764
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, back for another update.

    Yesterday, my Dad called. And needless to say, the conversation didnít go well and I think our relationship is done. He said he doesnít want to discuss Ďthe pastí anymore and wants to move forward. I agreed with him and told him that I didnít either. He proceeds to accuse me of bringing up the past during this wedding weekend. I remind him that I only brought it up because he asked me for help with my sister. That comment just let a big argument. At the end of the conversation, I wished him well and told him that I didnít want to talk to him anymore because I donít like the man he is now.

    To me, Dad is the leader of the family unit. My Dad, however, never had any boundaries with anyone. He let my Mom steamroll him. He lets his new wife steamroll him. I told him this and he didnít agree with this at all. I resent him a lot for his behavior. His new wife and her family are just low class people too. Iíve never felt comfortable around them.

    Oh yeah, also, my boss said I was Ďgamblerí in a big meeting today because I play fantasy sports. I had to correct my boss and say that fantasy isnít gambling and I donít go to casinos. That made me feel great. :-)

    My mother, who is bipolar, is always hounding my sister and I to visit. Sheís a total wildcard and just thinking about seeing her gives me anxiety.

    Just when I think things are starting to turn around, life throws another few curveballs. Iíve ended relationships with my wife, my wifeís family, my Dad, my Dadís side of the family, my Momís side of my family doesnít like because I donít visit my Mom as often as they think I should.

    Maybe this is lifeís way to telling me to start over new somewhere else.


    Until next time....

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  6. #765
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Divorce papers are officially served. Time to move this thing forward....

  7. #766
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Going to get a chilly response on this entry, but YOLO.

    In the last month, I've gone out with three different women. I've done this for a few reasons; I love meeting new people, I'm putting myself out there to take things slowly, and also doing to prove to myself that there are other women out there.

    Girl #1: I met her at a volunteer event, got her number, and we went out for bar trivia the following week. We hit it off and had fun together. I've been trying to see her again, but she's in grad school and has been super flakey. I told her to contact me when her schedule frees up. She's 27, so a little younger.

    Girl #2: We used to work for the same company, but in different departments. We met through mutual work friends. Even when I was married, I was attracted to her physically, but also super attracted to her energy. I'm more of an 'old soul' whereas she is just beaming with innocence and youthful energy. I always made excuses to go see her once in awhile and spent time with her work functions. We have a lot of similar interests. We've been out twice; one time in her neighborhood and one time in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we had an amazing night when she came to my neighborhood. We're both into each other, but I'm taking it slow. She knew I was married, but she hasn't asked about my situation. Maybe she spoke to other work people? Who knows, but I did tell her indirectly that there are some things from my past that are firmly in my past and are not a part of present or future (Referring to my marriage, which is just paperwork at this time). She seemed okay with that. She's super, super innocent, so I have to be very, very, very careful here. She just turned 26 and comes from a very strong family background.

    Girl #3 I met her through online dating. She texts me all day long. She drove to my neighborhood bar to meet me. She lives about an hour away. We hung out for a few hours and had a great time. I've never done online dating, so I was sort of nervous. But we hit it off and had fun. Unlike Girl #2, she does not have that youthful, intoxicating energy. She's 31 and a little jaded. She's a good friend; I just don't see the romance.

    The situation with Girl #2 reminds me a lot of the situation I wrote about in May 2011. I met this amazing, free-spirited girl (E). E and I were having a great time together. I wrote about how she blew my ex out of the water in every way possible....until my ex came back and I decided to give it another shot. Girl #2 is very similar to E, so I wonder if this is the universe's way of testing me again. We'll see what happens, but I doubt my ex is going to come back. I'm not interested anymore, anyway. There's just been too much drama, emotional damage on both sides, etc.

  8. #767
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Back for another entry.

    This entry is going to sound a little similar to the one I posted on 5/13/19. In short, the universe is really testing me right now. This has to be the biggest transition period of my life. I'm going through a divorce, my relationship with my Dad/Dad's side of the family, who I've always been close with, fell apart, and I'm dealing with some job uncertainty. I've done a great job at finding new activities and new hobbies (e.g., volunteering, starting softball next week, seeing old friends at wedding over the summer). As a person, I've grown and evolved a ton over the last 2-3 years. Emotionally, I much stronger. I have better boundaries, I'm more assertive, etc. I like these refined qualities. Also, dating has been fun. I've been dating people who are totally different from what I'm used to. It's refreshing and fun.

    Do I blame myself for any of these changes/challenges in my life? A little bit, but I've grown a lot as a person. I would rather this happen at 30 when I don't have any kids, major life expenses, etc.

    I do think of my ex from time-to-time, but it's not as frequent as it used to be. I feel much stronger in general, I'm in the best shape of my life, etc. I'm volunteering and impacting the community. I feel good even though I feel like the tests are coming more and more frequently.

  9. #768
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Going to get a chilly response on this entry, but YOLO.

    In the last month, I've gone out with three different women. I've done this for a few reasons; I love meeting new people, I'm putting myself out there to take things slowly, and also doing to prove to myself that there are other women out there.

    Girl #1: I met her at a volunteer event, got her number, and we went out for bar trivia the following week. We hit it off and had fun together. I've been trying to see her again, but she's in grad school and has been super flakey. I told her to contact me when her schedule frees up. She's 27, so a little younger.

    Girl #2: We used to work for the same company, but in different departments. We met through mutual work friends. Even when I was married, I was attracted to her physically, but also super attracted to her energy. I'm more of an 'old soul' whereas she is just beaming with innocence and youthful energy. I always made excuses to go see her once in awhile and spent time with her work functions. We have a lot of similar interests. We've been out twice; one time in her neighborhood and one time in my neighborhood. Needless to say, we had an amazing night when she came to my neighborhood. We're both into each other, but I'm taking it slow. She knew I was married, but she hasn't asked about my situation. Maybe she spoke to other work people? Who knows, but I did tell her indirectly that there are some things from my past that are firmly in my past and are not a part of present or future (Referring to my marriage, which is just paperwork at this time). She seemed okay with that. She's super, super innocent, so I have to be very, very, very careful here. She just turned 26 and comes from a very strong family background.

    Girl #3 I met her through online dating. She texts me all day long. She drove to my neighborhood bar to meet me. She lives about an hour away. We hung out for a few hours and had a great time. I've never done online dating, so I was sort of nervous. But we hit it off and had fun. Unlike Girl #2, she does not have that youthful, intoxicating energy. She's 31 and a little jaded. She's a good friend; I just don't see the romance.

    The situation with Girl #2 reminds me a lot of the situation I wrote about in May 2011. I met this amazing, free-spirited girl (E). E and I were having a great time together. I wrote about how she blew my ex out of the water in every way possible....until my ex came back and I decided to give it another shot. Girl #2 is very similar to E, so I wonder if this is the universe's way of testing me again. We'll see what happens, but I doubt my ex is going to come back. I'm not interested anymore, anyway. There's just been too much drama, emotional damage on both sides, etc.

    Back for another entry. I went out with Girl #2 again last week. She came out of her way to visit me again. We need another great night that encompassed drinks and a light dinner. All of our conversations have been light, jokey, and fun since we both tend to drink. However, I asked her straight up if there's anything she was wondering about. She said no. I told her that I wanted to address the elephant in the room (my divorce). I kept it super high-level, told her that it was simply paperwork at this time and that old relationship is dead. She seemed totally cool w/ it and didn't really care because she was having fun w/ me. This was a huge relief. I didn't want her to think I was hiding something, was a bad guy, etc. She's a little bit younger and is not as experienced with dating as I am. I do wonder if dating an inexperienced girl is a good or bad thing. It's good in the sense that they aren't as jaded. It's bad that you have to lead them 99% of the time. I like this chick, so we'll see what happens. She went on family vacation for a week and texted me yesterday before we left. I wished her and told her to send me pictures.

    Girl #1 re-appeared on Saturday. I'm planning to see her next week. She apologized for 'being busy' with school and stuff. She's also going away on vacation this week. She's cool too, so we'll what happens there.

  10. #769
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    Slow your roll. You are not over your wife and you are not divorced yet (as far as i know). part of the reason your marriage broke down was emotional neglect. So please stay single for awhile -- figuring out who you are on your own as a divorced man - vs jumping into a rebound relationship.

  11. #770
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    Hi all,

    My best friend got engaged, so heading to my hometown today for a celebration at a local brewery. Just like the situation w/ my Dad wedding, this is my first 'friend event' without my wife. I've told three of my closest friends (guys I grew up with) about the divorce, but I haven't seen them yet. I'll see them today. All three friends support me 100%. I'm sure other people will ask me about what's going on. I'll just tell them "It didn't work out" or "We just grew apart" to avoid any long explanations.

    I don't feel as nervous/anxious about this event like I did with my Dad's wedding. Maybe it's because of the people involved? Maybe because I know my friends won't judge me and will just support me. Still, I do feel some shame in having a 'failed marriage' attached to me, but that shame isn't as bad as it used to be.

    My wife doesn't have to deal with these types of situations because she doesn't have any long-term friends like I do. I've known about 90% of my friends since I was 18 years old while my wife only has friends from the last year or so. At this point, I can only worry about myself and I will have a great day today.


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