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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #751
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Back for another post. Happy Easter to all.

    Overall, things are pretty quiet. No updates on any major items.

    I've spent a lot of time meditating at night, going to counselling, reading, self reflecting, etc. I think turning 30 is a wake-up call for a lot of young people. In your 20s, you graduate college, get a drunk a lot, get a first job, fake it til ya make it in almost everything, get your first place, date/get married, etc. Granted, I've been serious about most things in my life, but when 30 hit me, I was like 'Woah, this is a big change.', hence why I'm having some 'identity issues', when it comes to work, but it's a big change that only I can tackle. I will handle it with ease. The "Who Am I?" feeling will fade in time; I just need time to set new goals. No other person can help with this.

    Also, I've been thinking to myself: Do I miss my wife or do I miss having someone to share the day-to-day moments of my life? Granted, I have many friends, but with dudes, it's typically 'Cool, Bro' and then they go back to their life (rightfully so). This question is something I've been wrestling with as well.

    I've been watching a ton of stand-up comedy and just letting myself laugh out loud again. It's funny how everyone in today's world is so serious all the time. Everyone is so afraid about offending others, etc. It's refreshing to have a good belly laugh and just to be carefree. I need to laugh more and just be more carefree in general. Granted, when it's time to do my job, I'll get to work, but I want to be open and carefree with everyone in my life and stop being so darn serious all the time.

    Also, I think it's healthy to have some time to yourself and learn who the 'single you' is. I was reflecting on myself and all of my past girlfriends. From Age 15 until now (30), which spans about 16 years, I've been in a relationship for about 13 of these years, which seems insane. I dated my high school girlfriend for about two years (She's still single, btw, and I don't think she's found anyone better than me. I hope she does, though.) I was single my freshman and senior year of college (I was with my wife for the sophomore, junior years, then from 2011-2019.) I also dated a bunch of random women when I was single, so I got to experience a wide variety of women.

    Another point to make: All of my LTRs were 'needy'. I've always felt like I have a lot to give, so I smother them with love, attention, support, etc. It gets to the point where they can't move closer to me because I'm the one giving them everything and when the relationship dies, it dies because there's nothing else to give. I think it stems from my rocky relationship with my Mom. She's very codependent on me. It's something that I've talked to my counsellor about and want to work on. I can't have this type of relationship, again.

    Just from looking at this, I realize I haven't been 'single' that much. Is that a good or bad thing? I don't know. I guess it depends on perspective. Have I made a positive impact on other people's lives and loved these women with all my heart? Yes, I did. Did I learn something in every relationship? Yes.

    Now is the time to start self reflecting. Granted, I'm still wired about this whole divorce thing, but I'm starting to take a step back and think about what I want for myself/what I want in an 'ideal partner'

    List qualities that you want/donít want in a partner
    Want: Good communicator, trustworthy, Fun loving, no kids, taller, A giver, easy going, Non-smoker, casual drinker, parents still married (not a requirement because mine aren't), can banter with me, wonít collapse due to low self-esteem
    Donít Want: Insecure, fat, unhealthy, doesnít exercise, devious, needy, gaslighter, long list of exes

    For me to 'get' the qualities that I want, I have to become those things. Working on my communication is my #1 goal.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-21-2019 at 09:54 PM.

  2. #752
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    To have an ideal partner - there is no such thing. the ideal partner is the partner you choose.
    Why would a woman want to be with you knowing that you neglected your wife?
    and then made a list of the "ideal partner" instead of making a list of what YOU can bring to the table, and what you refused to bring to the table during your marriage.
    When i was dating, I first had a clear assessment of what I did to contribute to the end of my previous marriage. No one deserves the abuse i suffered, but i had to be honest on how i tried to make it work and how I erred in choosing - i was past the blame stage. Will you demonize your wife when someone asks why you divorced or will you have growth?

    Honestly, i don't know any woman who dreams of a man that when you bring your needs to him - tell him what you are missing in the marriage that instead of working on those things, you punish her - you kick her to the curb and then act like she is the one who wronged?

  3. #753
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, I got an e-mail from her last night regarding the serving of papers. It came in at around 10:30pm. As prequel to this e-mail, my attorney told me that several attempts were made to serve her at her parents' house, which is where she's living right now. The server encountered her stepdad at one point who was identified as a 'hostile male'. Her stepdad told the server he didn't know when she'd be home. (Lies)

    (P.S. I have no control on when the servers go to homes, btw.) Anyway, here is her e-mail to me:

    ///

    Hi thekid55,

    I was made aware that a process server visited my Mom's house on Good Friday 4/19/19 looking to serve me. Unfortunately, I was not home at the time. I know that if an attempt is made and they are unsuccessful usually other attempts follow. I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be unavailable until Thursday 4/25/19 to accept these papers so any attempts made from now until then will be unsuccessful. I would be available to meet the process server on Friday 4/26/19 if that works. Otherwise, what is easiest is to have your attorney contact my attorney and send him the papers. I have already given you his information but again my attorney is Attorney ABC at 8675309 and his email address is on this email.

    Thank you,
    Her

    ///

    My attorney is going to try to serve the paperwork to her attorney.

  4. #754
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    When I got her e-mail, I felt a sense of relief and some sadness. I'm relieved because this whole process is moving forward, but some sadness because my marriage is coming to a close. Granted, it's been dead for awhile now, but still, it's sad. It's okay to be sad, though. Our lives seemed to going two different directions. Some examples are listed below.

    1. What Do I Want?: Career-wise, I feel like I'm at an impasse. Over the last year or so, I've discussed moving to a new state with my wife, but she was always reluctant and never was fully behind me. That made me start to think/say to her that I thought we were on 2 different paths. I'm young, highly respected in my field, very good looking, so the sky is the limit for me. I need to have flexibility and I need a partner that is flexible. She has reasons for not wanting to move, which is fine and I respect it. (e.g., She's a teacher, they have good benefits, she has student loans, her family is here)

    My company was acquired and the acquiring company hasn't given indications on next steps. The big boss of the acquiring company came here last week and I told him that I'm willing to leave New York for a great opportunity. The big boss said I was highly recommended by my peers. In life, when projects/jobs start to become mundane/you lose interest, I used to think it was a bad thing and would try to fight back against it. In fact, now, I think it's a good thing. It shows that you've fulfilled your purpose in that one area---and it's time to start thinking about new things.

    I've started to do more and more volunteer work to help the community and to also meet new people. Doing this type of work makes me feel great. That may be part of my next purpose in life. We'll see.

    2. Different Groups of Friends: One other thing to note about the new group of girlfriends---she's been very friendly with this group for about 9 months. They go to the gym together, have gone a few girls' trips together, etc. I've hung out with them a few times, but they aren't my type of crowd and I don't have any desire to hang with them. I know women tend to live through others--and I'm clearly on the outside of this bunch. My wife has also had trouble maintaining friends long-term. She isn't friends with any girls from high school or college, really. On the other hand, I'm still super close to most of the guys I grew up with and went to college with. I've made new friends at work, but we are just very different in these regards.

    I think it's healthy to have separate friends outside of the relationship, but when things start to fundamentally change, well, then, it makes you wake up.

    3. Her Phone Log: A few weeks ago, I went through our cell phone logs and saw that she had been calling this one guy constantly. The guy is a friend of a friend (She has a brand new bunch of girlfriends and this friend-of-a-friend is some older, horny orbiter that got arrested for soliciting a prostitute. I only know about him because she tried to set a friend up with him months ago and her friend was disgusted. Once I saw multiple calls to him, I knew something was up. That motivated me to file for divorce. I'm sure this guy is totally blowing up her phone, giving her a ton of attention, etc. Ten years ago, we had our first break-up---and she exhibited some of the same behaviors. (e.g., getting involved with loser guys that gave her attention).

    4. Family Life: It's been well documented that my core family has fallen apart. That affected my marriage and affected me. But then again, who wouldn't be affected when your parents split after 33 years and your mother is terminally ill? I had to step-up and be the man because I love her and she always took care of me. That's what families do. My wife tried to make me feel bad about this, which is just wrong. If this was her family, it wouldn't have been an issue and she would have argued that I should have done more.

    Another point: My mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law totally own their husbands. They totally dominate the relationship and her stepdad and grandfather look like complete saps. My wife thought she could totally dominate me too, but that's not going to happen. I'm willing to go 50/50 on things, but I want flexibility in my life. I'm not going to make poor financial decisions just so we can live 5-10 mins away from her Mom. Also, I don't want to feel unfulfilled with my own career. Bottom line, you either control your own life and make your own decisions or let someone else do it for you. If someone else does it for you, you won't like the outcome.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-23-2019 at 11:02 AM.

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  6. #755
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    STOP going through her phone log. You no longer want her. Leave her be. You want to try to make this all about that "she might be cheating" and left you rather than owning the real reason for the breakdown of your marriage.

    Honestly, you keep spinning things -- you rushed to take care of your ailing mom and she gave you a hard time. Nope, that's not what you mentioned in the first place. You became emotionally embroiled in their divorce and their RELATIONSHIP. If it was merely that mom was ailing and you were the only one to head things up, you would be a present husband, and you would have gone to take care of mom in rotation with other relatives or would have also set up a home health aide. Maybe she would have been a hand on deck as well.

  7. #756
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Had another great weekend.

    I did 2 volunteer events on Saturday. One with a food pantry and another with low functioning children. The food pantry made me feel grateful and appreciative. A lot of people have fallen on hard times and arenít as lucky. Therefore, I did everything in my power to work quickly, deliver their grocery order with a smile and keep them laughing. I got to meet a lot of nice people and really felt the love from the pantry goers. I went out of my way to give some extra food when I could. (I have a big heart and itís not my food anyway :cracksup:) it was a good event and all of the volunteers were really nice. One couple told me that by me giving them a few extra sandwiches, they wouldnít be hungry on Sunday. That will stick with me for a long time. A lot of the older people were calling me Ďhandsomeí, Ďbabyí, etc. one pinched my butt and one tried to kiss me. Itís all fun and I just wanted to give them a nice experience for something thatís tough in life.

    The low functioning children event was a different beast all together. It was an open gym setting and I was paired with the lowest functioning kid there. He tried to escape the building several times, didnít play well with the other kids, etc. some of the team leaders had to step in and help at times, but I did my best. I love meeting the other volunteers at these events. Everyone is so nice and sweet. It makes me feel great.

    Baseball was rained out today, so Iím ready for a busy upcoming work week!

  8. #757
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Just started laughing about this whole situation today. Over the weekend, my ex called the building manager, requesting access to my apartment because I changed the locks after she kept coming in-and-out without letting me know. The building manager came to me and asked me what to do. I told the manager that she's not permitted in because we're going through a divorce, she moved out, and has all of her possessions. It's just another cry for attention, just like when she called my parents, closed down the bank account, started calling me from a blocked number. :laughs: I sent her a very business-like e-mail, telling her that if she had any questions/requests, have her attorney contact my attorney. She responded an hour later, writing paragraph after paragraph, vomiting her feelings. That e-mail went into the trash can because I'm not getting into any long exchanges with her ever again.

    Many of you think I'm being 'heartless' or 'cruel'. However, NC is the only option for me. I don't want reconciliation anymore. I don't care what she's doing/who she's doing/where she is/etc. I want to put this entire situation behind me. If I engage her, I reset my healing. I don't want to do that. Each day, I feel much better and much, much stronger. I'm handling things that I can control. This whole process has been a good learning lesson. I paid the price, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, to some degree, but I'm coming out of it as a better man. That will spill over into the other aspects of my life, so it's a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

    After re-read some of my older posts in this journal, I clearly went against my gut instinct from May 2011 by taking her back. Taking her back was mistake and I let a good chick go. Long-term, it wouldn't have worked out with the good chick, but still, I still went against my gut reaction because my ex knew which buttons to push and I caved. I can't change the past, I can only control the present. Knowing what I know now, I'm better prepared to handle anything life throws at me. My ex and I made some great memories together and I will treasure a lot of the times we had together, but it goes to show that you shouldn't doubt your gut instinct.
    Last edited by thekid55; 05-03-2019 at 12:26 PM.

  9. #758
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Just capped off another fun weekend of volunteer work. On Saturday, I spent the morning and afternoon working at a bazaar for the vision impaired. I helped set-up tables, guided shoppers, helped out in the kitchen, etc. Not only do I love working with the shoppers/participants, but I enjoy meeting the other volunteers. I met some really cool people who worked at Google, Citibank, etc. Today, I did a 'field trip' for children that live in government housing. The kids ranged from 7-12 years old. We were asked to bring various snacks, money for the field trip and money for pizza. For the field trip, we went to a museum and visited a few exhibits. I was paired with a sweet boy who was in the 3rd grade. He ate all of my snacks and devoured a ton of pizza, lol. Our team leader for this project has been doing volunteer work for 23 years! Most of the volunteers on this project have been together for a long time, so it was good to feel like I was part of their small family.

    Over the last four weeks, I've completed six different projects (i.e., open gym for middle schoolers, Little League for the Challenger division, food pantry, open gym for low functioning athletes, bazaar for the vision impaired, and field trip for children living in government housing). All of these experiences have been unique and fun. I've made a lot of people smile and I've made a lot of great connections with like-minded people. I've also met some cool girls. Helping out others in need makes me feel great and is also helping me move beyond the pain of my divorce. I will continue volunteering to make more people feel good.

  10. #759
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Hi all, stopping by for another update.

    Well, I'm currently on my first 'family trip' without my wife. The purpose of this trip is for my Dad to marry the woman he left my Mom for after 33 years of marriage. The ceremony is tomorrow. The marriage will occur in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her.

    Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well.

    Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

    I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me....

  11. #760
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

    .
    That's a lot to take in.
    Just picture a mental flack jacket that's impenetrable.
    Make an appearance and then do something enjoyable for yourself.

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