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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #741
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    I agree you should be taking control of your situation and getting yourself legally represented in the best way but speaking to friends etc about it doesn't help i feel. Even if they contact you.

    You can end this and resolve this all without turning it into such a battle/fight. If she chose to end the relationship then it's right that she no longer receives your financial or emotional support and your existing shared debts should be shared 50/50. There is just a bit too much anger remaining which i can kind of understand but you need to rise above that and just sort it all out with civility and professionally. It's coming across not that you are protecting your own interests but more that you want to hurt her.

    Regarding some of those building yourself up/break up pointers i agree with some of that as a fellow male, a womans love being conditional is true but the truth is all human love is conditional, men and women. NOne of us are forced to stay with someone we don't love anymore. When we are unhappy we leave eventually but i'm guessing what that statement is saying is when a man gets ill his partner will leave which from friends and personal experience is true but you cannot say that about all women. It just means you picked a poor one. To hold that view about all women is unhealthy.
    Hey Ninja, thanks for responding. I agree with you. Talking to mutual friends/her family is not a good idea. That's why I'm not doing it. It's not fair and that's her support system, just like my family/friends are my support system.

    I don't want to hurt her in anyway possible. That's why I was 100% transparent from the start. I put my sword down and showed her our bills, tax returns, etc. I told her that I don't have anything to hide---and I mean that with all my heart. From a legal perspective, filing for divorce now can protect any potential assets that I may receive in the future. My severance payment would be fairly substantial, plus I want to make a lifestyle change. Therefore, I had to file to protect it and protect myself.

    I will always lover her, no matter what. We've had an amazing life together. I don't want to force her to do anything. I know she's hurt and upset just like I am. I filed because I had to be proactive for the both of us so we can both move on. I'm no trying to 'teach her a lesson' or anything. I'm being a man, stepping up to the plate, and doing what is best.

  2. #742
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    Ok, on my part i must point out i've never been married so i'm not sure how the legality of it all works if it comes crumbling down. Possible naivety shown on my part. Just try not to let things get too nasty if that's possible, it will just ruin the good memories. Wish you all the best.

  3. #743
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Hey Ninja, thanks for responding. I agree with you. Talking to mutual friends/her family is not a good idea. That's why I'm not doing it. It's not fair and that's her support system, just like my family/friends are my support system.

    I don't want to hurt her in anyway possible. That's why I was 100% transparent from the start. I put my sword down and showed her our bills, tax returns, etc. I told her that I don't have anything to hide---and I mean that with all my heart. From a legal perspective, filing for divorce now can protect any potential assets that I may receive in the future. My severance payment would be fairly substantial, plus I want to make a lifestyle change. Therefore, I had to file to protect it and protect myself.

    I will always lover her, no matter what. We've had an amazing life together. I don't want to force her to do anything. I know she's hurt and upset just like I am. I filed because I had to be proactive for the both of us so we can both move on. I'm no trying to 'teach her a lesson' or anything. I'm being a man, stepping up to the plate, and doing what is best.
    Kid, you can be proactive without being vindictive.

    You say you canít depend on her ever changing stances which I agree! But kidd you havenít exactly been level headed yourself you also went from mediation to not, from communication to not to allowing your ego to drive the car, youíre being petty right now. I get it youíre mad she didnít respond to your email, sheís probably hurt about your recent interactions as well so the hurt feelings are being fed while the adult feelings are being starved to death.

    Your refusal to see a mediator at this point is petty, thereís no other way to put it, Iíve read your other posts, youíre being petty man. Itís your turn to tell her no, thatís what this is, you think youíre Ďwinningí right now but you arenít.

    Again protecting yourself is not the same as being vindictive.

    It saves your finances and calms the waters to go to mediation.

    But youíre mad.

    This is your life and your choices. Own the reasons though. This went past protecting your assets long ago.

  4. #744
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Kid, you can be proactive without being vindictive.

    You say you canít depend on her ever changing stances which I agree! But kidd you havenít exactly been level headed yourself you also went from mediation to not, from communication to not to allowing your ego to drive the car, youíre being petty right now. I get it youíre mad she didnít respond to your email, sheís probably hurt about your recent interactions as well so the hurt feelings are being fed while the adult feelings are being starved to death.

    Your refusal to see a mediator at this point is petty, thereís no other way to put it, Iíve read your other posts, youíre being petty man. Itís your turn to tell her no, thatís what this is, you think youíre Ďwinningí right now but you arenít.

    Again protecting yourself is not the same as being vindictive.

    It saves your finances and calms the waters to go to mediation.

    But youíre mad.

    This is your life and your choices. Own the reasons though. This went past protecting your assets long ago.
    How do you think I'm being vindictive?

    On Thursday, I proposed the mediator. She said no. Because she said no, on Friday, I hired the attorney and had to pay for it. On Saturday, she decides that she wants to do the mediator. She follows up with me on Monday about it. I called the mediator again and tell her that we aren't coming. At this point, I'm not telling her about the attorney. I don't think that's being vindictive when she hasn't been totally clear and honest, either.

    Also, I haven't noted this. I'm still too emotionally charged, in a sad way, about this whole thing. Could I have done the mediator if my life depended upon it? Sure, I would have needed to push myself big time, but I think it would have just been more arguing since we're both super stubborn about things. Going the legal route takes more emotions out of it, which would be better for both of us. We both want out of the marriage, so taking the least emotional route is the best route.

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  6. #745
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    She has wanted to go to counseling with you, to which you have refused. And now you will go to counseling BUT ALSO THE LAWYER. I think you want to have the fantasy of being the poor, hurt man with a vindictive wife. All she has wanted is your attention and to go to counseling and you kicked her out of the house and now want a swifty divorce. WHy not instead of pushing it all at once you do that one simple step - you go to several counseling sessions without moving forward on anything else.

    All you care about is she got her nails done, or had a meal other things you feel are not self care but are frivolous.

  7. #746
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    How do you think I'm being vindictive?
    Well there are many examples I just grabbed the first one I saw....


    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Another update:

    Wife texted me again this AM, asking if we could still go to the financial mediator tonight. (She refused to go last week, but is now changing her tune.) I ignored her. She kept texting me and calling me about it. I ignore her and call the mediator and reiterate that we aren't coming tonight because I've already hired an attorney. (Wife does not know about the attorney. Divorce papers were filed today.) She responds with some BS saying "It's very immature to not attend tonight. You made the appointment and agreed to go. Now, you want to cancel it. You ignoring me is not going to help. You won't agree to a way forward." Funny, because she ignored my e-mails about bills. Anyway. It's funny how she wants to get me to mediation yet criticized my actions while doing it.

    She's back and forth, not wanting to talk to me when she feels like I'm hanging on. She also doesn't want to talk about the joint expenses, either. Now, she wants to 'mediate' after refusing to do so last week. This seems so typical; she wants to push me away, expecting me to run towards her. Also, didn't she need to talk to her attorney that was returning from vacation today?

    Ultimately, she doesn't want to stop her financial security (me) even though she's moved on emotionally and expects me to beg for her to return.

    Once she's served, I think she'll be surprised, solely because she hasn't been listening to me. She doesn't believe my words. Once she's served, she's either going to be super nasty or want to reconcile. (I think she'll be super nasty, so buckle up)

    UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"
    I bolded what stuck out but honestly the whole post is what Iíd define as ego driven actions.

    Not really seeing self preservation. Iím seeing a wounded dog who snaps when someone reaches out to him. Iím seeing an act, one that led to this point ironically. Iím seeing thinly veiled insecurity and a refusal to be humble because you believe itís a weakness. I see a bunch of regurgitated Ďonline guruí verbiage, that teaches how to abuse and exploit vulnerability in someone all for the sake of winning. Most of all I see a situation that will be regretted once the smoke clears because he seems like a very decent man who is willing to do anything to stop the hurt, including pushing everyone away and burning down his own home.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 04-09-2019 at 07:29 PM.

  8. #747
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Just an update. A buddy texted me, telling me that she changed her display name on all social media back to her maiden name and deleted all pictures with me. I haven't gone on social media in awhile, so I went on and took a look. Sure enough, she blocked me and deleted all pictures with me. Eh, it is what it is at this point. I don't think she's been served yet, but she's trying to get a reaction since I've blown her off for about a week.

    Overall, I'm feeling good in NC. NC count is at 6 days.

  9. #748
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, more craziness to add to the story.

    My wife called my Mom this morning. Over the last few years, I've had a rocky relationship with my Mom. Our contact has been sporadic, but my Mom and I have started talking again. My wife and my Mom were never very close, so I found this odd.

    My Mom said she received a few different calls from numbers she didn't recognize this AM. When she called one of them back, it was my wife. My wife asked how she was (My Mom isn't in good health), then starts to pry into my Mom, asking her when's the last time I've talked to her, tells my Mom that I'm a liar, blamed my Mom and Dad's divorce as the reason why things have gone south, etc. My Mom refused to give her any information from any of our discussions. My wife ended the discussion by insulting my Mom by saying something along the lines of "Well, aren't you going to say that you enjoyed being my mother-in-law for the last 5 years?" and my Mom just said "I'll talk to you later, goodbye". Basically, she wanted to know what I've been telling my Mom, tried to get my Mom to side with her, told her that I'm a liar, etc. When my Mom suggested that she end the relationship, my wife was silent.

    Overall, I'm pretty pissed that she called my Mom. My Mom is one of my soft spots, but at the same time, I don't really care because my Mom is a strong woman. It's crazy of my wife to try to side my family with her.

    At this point, I think my wife is upset that she no longer controls me/the situation. She's lashing out at my family, deleting a bunch of things on social media, etc. She's trying to get to me--and I'm just not letting her do it. I think she's become unhinged. Who knows what'll happen when she gets served the divorce papers.

    On a positive note, I met the big boss of the acquiring company today. He made it clear that they want me to join the company and have a great idea for a role for me. Despite the craziness, the future is starting to become clear. Good things on the horizon.

  10. #749
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Well, more craziness. She sent my Dad a lengthy email this afternoon. Here are the key summary points. This is written from
    My Dadís perspective:

    Here is a recap of her note to me:
    1. She claims that I have significant influence over you.
    2. She claims to have ďbeen thereĒ for me for 11 years implying that I should be there for her.
    3. She reiterated how much you and her helped Your Mom and that took a toll on your marriage.
    4. She claims that I am projecting my failed marriage on to her marriage. She says that you had a good marriage and that I told you to be selfish.
    5. She claims that I should have told the two of you to go to therapy.
    6. She blames you for the failure of the marriage. Claims you were mean and not nice.
    7. Claims that during the therapy session, she was in hysterics and you did not respond.
    8. She claims that you pushed her out of the apartment.
    9. She claims that you were seeking advice from Red Pill.
    10. She claims that only she understands the marriage and not anyone else.
    11. She claims that you should not have gotten advice from Your aunt (attorney).
    12. She claims that her parents reached out to you.

    She closes with a few other disrespectful comments about to me.

  11. #750
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Did some volunteer work today. It was a field day for underprivileged kids. The kids had a great time and ran me ragged. We played full court basketball (haven't done that in ages), soccer, volleyball, and dodgeball. The kids loved playing and I was happy to be their 'big brother' for the morning/afternoon. In addition, I met and network-ed with other volunteers. People from all walks of life do this work, which is great. I had a great time meeting, playing with, and interacting with the kids and other volunteers. Whenever things have gotten rocky, volunteer work always makes me feel better and put things into perspective. I started to feel like myself again, so I'm on the right path.

    Tomorrow, I'm going to coach baseball. It's a league for kids with special needs. It's going to be another special day. I can't wait for it.

    Even though things are crazy, taking time to help others is always good. It makes me for fortunate for everything that I have and how blessed I am.

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