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Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #731
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Alright, back for another post.

    I read the "Way of the Superior Man" this morning. Riveting book. Aside from all of the relationship passages, the "know your purpose in life" section really hit home for me. Basically, the book says that a man must know what his purpose in life is and that purpose should the #1 priority in his life. Purpose is how you impact society and leave your impact on the world. Men that do not have a purpose go through life angry, unfulfilled, etc. You start living other people's priorities instead of your own, which leads to more unhappiness. (Leads to unhealthy relationships and misery.)

    Looking back, my marriage became my purpose, which just sounds stupid, but it did. Once that fell apart, I was left with nothing, which may be a blessing in disguise for positive change....

    It got me to thinking; what is my true purpose? Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer. I've spent the last few years running around, keeping busy with the day-to-day tasks while not spending enough time looking inward. Some of those day-to-day tasks include:

    • Dedicating too much of my time to helping my Mom move. I took that entire project on by myself. I should have asked for help. Instead, I got burnt out and put stress on my marriage
    • Scrolling through social media and engaging in BS with people I don't even know. (I deleted all clutter apps from my cell phone today)
    • "Getting through things" at work. I always stayed busy with trivial work things that are pretty meaningless. I never had a purpose outside of work.
    • Not appreciating 'family time' as much because I lacked a purpose and direction. Lacking this purpose made me feel unfulfilled.
    • Spending too much time gambling/wasting too much time checking scores
    • Wasting too much time listening to stupid podcasts. Some podcasts are good, but I spent 100's of hours listening to garbage.
    • Engaging in status games with people who I didn't care about.
    • Always walking around with stupid headphones on when I should be just listening to the space around me.


    I've decided to remove all of the clutter, time wasting BS from my life, so I can focus on my purpose. In fact, I think I may have come up with it: Helping younger people and people that are disadvantaged.

    Right now, I can do this in the form of volunteer work. I attended a volunteer event last Wednesday and will sign up for events next weekend. In the future, this could envision leaving Corporate America, going back to school, and becoming a guidance counselor and a coach. I still want to be able to do some side hustles, but now is the time to put this into motion.

    For my entire life, I've always enjoyed helping others. It comes super natural to me. I'm only 30, but I've been through a lot of things and I know a lot of younger people, especially younger males, need more 'big brothers' and mentors in their life. I can be that person for them.

    I found this one blog post: 7 Strange Questions that Help You Find Your Life Purpose

    1. What is your favorite flavor of 'Crapp sandwich'? (Everything involves sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. What struggle are you willing to tolerate?)

    For me, am I willing to accept less money to help others/make a bigger impact on the world? Right now, no, but in the future, I can see it.

    2. What's true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry? (We have tendency to lose touch with what we loved as children because we only get rewarded for certain actions.)

    For me, I would say that I haven't played team sports in about 8 years. I fell out of love with baseball, which I ALWAYS loved. I would say that I've been more guarded emotional, when I was a kid with a HUGE heart. Also, I'm not as close with my core family anymore. I need to fix all of these things!!!!!!


    3. What makes you forget to eat and poop? (We've all had the experience of: Holy Crapp! I forgot about dinner)

    For me, my passion is for self-improvement. I love competing with myself (and others). If I get hooked into a great book, I'll lose track of the time. If I'm journaling/in a flow state, I lose track of time. I lose track of time at the gym. When I'm working on some of my football models, I love track of time. If I play fantasy sports, I want to dominate and will be obsessed until I can beat the game.

    4. How can you better embarrass yourself? (You must suck at something before you get better. Right now, you're fantasize about doing something, but fear is stopping you.)

    For me, maybe singing or doing something musical. I've always wanted to try it. I've always been a jock.

    5. How are you going to save the world? (In order to be happy/fulfilled, we must hold values greater than our own pleasure)

    For me, I would say mentoring younger guys that lack a positive male influence in their lives. Spending time putting smiles on the faces of those in pain (e.g., soup kitchen)

    6. If you had to leave the house all day, every day, where would you go?

    The gym, taking a jog/walk down my the water, maybe even the library

    7. If you were going to die 1 year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?

    For me, make a positive impact on as many lives as possible. I would volunteer constantly. I would want to be remember someone who loved with all of his heart, was compassionate and kind. I've gotten away from that, but it's time to make things right again.

    Ultimately, discovering your purpose comes down to 1 or 2 things that are bigger than yourself and bigger than those around you. Find a way to spend your limited amount of time on Earth well. Get off the couch and act now.

  2. #732
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    Could you have been a better husband? Yes, Absolutely!!! Would that have stopped them from leaving? No way because it's an internal struggle for them. The trigger could be many things (lack of happiness, lack of direction, boredom).


    not all women cheat. Many women leave and don't cheat. Many more stay in marriages where they feel lonely and try to fill the void with volunteering, shopping, grandkids if they are that age to have them, or pets - and have an emotional need filled just enough to coexist with their husband. He wonders why at 65 she leaves him because she just wants to be able to come and go and not do his laundry and cook his meals. Its not fair to cast her as a cheater - which you have no proof. you can only answer for yourself. you want a fast track to divorce, when actually working on yourself is the only thing you should do right now. When you kick someone out of the house, they are no longer beholden to you and you can't expect they feel that you didn't mean it

  3. #733
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    More good posts on divorce/respect:

    Feelings are irrational and will sabotage you every step. If you give into your feelings, bad things will happen.

    The person that care the least about the relationship, controls it.

    Don't project. Never think you really know what's going on in their mind. If she really wants to hang then she will ask, not you.

    She thinks dating will bring back feelings and it seems logical on the surface but it NEVER happens that way. Sure you'll have a good time for a while but she'll never jump in with both feet. It will feel like work to her and she'll eventually give up.

    For reconciliation to work, she has to already have those feelings, not "try" to bring them back. She won't have those feelings until she thinks she may lose you forever.

    Just for dignity's sake I would start moving forward with a divorce. Whether you actually go through with it or not isn't important. She cheated twice because she got away for it the first time and believes she can talk you into staying like before. She doesn't think you have a backbone so file and show her you are serious. There's usually a cool down time between filing and actually making a court date so during that time you can determine if it's what you really want to do.

    being nice will get you NOWHERE. Pull yourself out of her life. She needs to feel what's it's like to be without you in it. Sticking around only helps her move on, not you.

    Tell her you think itís best if you get a divorce then be cold and business-like as possible. This will do a couple of things. It will show you have backbone and not allow yourself to be disrespected. It will also start to wake her up to the reality of losing you for good and make her evaluate what she really wants. Donít expect anything major to happen overnight but in the next couple of months Iím betting sheíll come around.

    She has to miss you and feel what itís going to be like to lose you before she even thinks about giving up the affair. If you try to make it work and force her into counseling then sheíll just end up resenting you. She has to WANT to work on the marriage first and if she doesnít then you forcing the issue will just backfire on you.

    I found the best way to save a marriage is to stop trying to save it. When you get dumped or cheated on, itís up to them to win you back since they did wrong, not you. You just back away and let them see what life is like without you. In the mean time you work on yourself and work on emotionally detaching so you will be prepared for whatever happens.

    Donít think asking for a divorce is going overboard, itís not and donít think just because you file for a divorce you have to go through with it. Itís a show of strength which is what you need to do because any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

    You can't "nice" someone out of an affair. The only way to end the affair is to end the marriage.

    You need at least 6 months of hard NC for any changes to be worthwhile.

    The longer you put up with their disrespect, the longer they'll do it. They'll respect you more once you put your foot down.

    There's nothing you can do or say to get someone back. They have to want to try on their own accord.

    The only way to get an Ex back is to stop trying. Indifference is the key. Once you stop caring, you can have anything you want.

    After a break-up or separation, they may start contacting you a lot. This is to make sure they either (i) have control of you or (ii) feel guilty.

    People want their exes back because they feel rejected and want to 'fix' their mistakes.

    They won't feel any passion until they think they'll lose you for good.

    After a week or 2 of NC, they aren't missing you yet. It's all about control/making you feel bad. They will try to manipulate into responding to booster their ego.

    If you see them/try to hang with them after 1-2 weeks, they will flip flop and be gone soon.

    The more affectionate you are, the more they will pull away because it's a false recover and they still may be having an emotional affair.

    Youíve been a doormat all this time so she has no respect for you. You canít love someone you donít respect which is why she has been able to push you around. You had no backbone. The best thing you can do it reject her, ignore her calls, messages, turn down invites, ect. You have been too available all this time and that is a HUGE turnoff. She values what she canít have and doesnít appreciate what she does have.

    Her deleting you from FB is just a ploy to get you to crack and contact her. She is still playing you because she knows you are weak (unattractive) and expects doing that will get your attention and make you go back on your word and try to beg her back, to boost her ego more. Donít fall into this trap and see it for what it is. Itís all a game to her and she thinks she can control you.

    You HAVE to stick to your guns and ignore, ignore, ignore. Your saving grace will be from cutting her out of your life and having a life without fixating on her. One day she will take back everything she said in your first post but that wonít be until she feels you no longer have any feelings left for her and are dating. My wife at one time said similar things to me and she ate her words.

    Never contact when highly emotional or strong feelings are involved.

    As long as someone is NC, they donít know what you are doing/thinking and it lets their imagination run wild. They usually think worse case and it makes them think that they may have lost you and if that is really what they wanted.

    Stop worrying about her forgetting you or moving on while out of contact. Itís that kind of thinking that sabotages most peopleís opportunities to reconcile. You think if you go NC then they will leave for good (which technically they already did, you are still in denial) when in reality they only way theyíll want to come back is when they think you have moved on.

    The best course of action is to continue to ignore her and act like you don't even know her. Don't let her see you hurt or suffering in any way. If she confronts you, say you are busy and leave and simply be disinterested. Act like you don't care and avoid having her see you.

    When an ex wants you back they will let you know but it won't be all at once. They will slowly try to work themselves into your life and the harder it is for them the more desperate they will get. Most people think that once an ex has tried to contact them that if they ignore it the ex will just give up and move on (ignoring the fact the ex already has moved on by dumping you to begin with). If that was true then technically all dumpees would move one once the ex rejects them. We all know that's not the case or else forums like this wouldn't exists.

    ALWAYS ignore these little ďhow are youĒ, ďIím doing this and thatĒ, ect type text. She is just fishing for a response and the only reason she is doing this is that itís become a challenge to her. If you had been responding back to her all along she most likely would be annoyed with you. Your ďwindow of opportunityĒ will be after she has left the other guy. As long as she is dating someone you stick to your guns and stay NC at all cost. You would be surprised how cold they turn once you start talking again. One minute they are your best friend and waiting to go out for coffee, the next they say they can never speak to you again. Also donít fixate on what a good time she must be having with the new guy. Itís never how you think it is.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-07-2019 at 09:49 PM.

  4. #734
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Another update:

    Wife texted me again this AM, asking if we could still go to the financial mediator tonight. (She refused to go last week, but is now changing her tune.) I ignored her. She kept texting me and calling me about it. I ignore her and call the mediator and reiterate that we aren't coming tonight because I've already hired an attorney. (Wife does not know about the attorney. Divorce papers were filed today.) She responds with some BS saying "It's very immature to not attend tonight. You made the appointment and agreed to go. Now, you want to cancel it. You ignoring me is not going to help. You won't agree to a way forward." Funny, because she ignored my e-mails about bills. Anyway. It's funny how she wants to get me to mediation yet criticized my actions while doing it.

    She's back and forth, not wanting to talk to me when she feels like I'm hanging on. She also doesn't want to talk about the joint expenses, either. Now, she wants to 'mediate' after refusing to do so last week. This seems so typical; she wants to push me away, expecting me to run towards her. Also, didn't she need to talk to her attorney that was returning from vacation today?

    Ultimately, she doesn't want to stop her financial security (me) even though she's moved on emotionally and expects me to beg for her to return.

    Once she's served, I think she'll be surprised, solely because she hasn't been listening to me. She doesn't believe my words. Once she's served, she's either going to be super nasty or want to reconcile. (I think she'll be super nasty, so buckle up)

    UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"

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  6. #735
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    More Good Stuff Regarding Building Yourself Up After a Break-Up

    1. The reason why she left is because you've become weak in more ways than one. You became predictable and no challenge to her. She wanted you to be unpredictable, challenging and fun again.

    The only way to fix this is become the man again. (Not only will she be attracted, but others will be and you won't need her anymore.) Right now, you have to eliminate all of her power of you to later spark attraction. (Attraction meaning that you are a bro again for only yourself, not her). Right now, you feel bad because you put all of your self worth on her view of you. Right now, her view of you is super weak. Once you let her know you don't want her anymore, you will feel in more control and start your life FOR YOU. You went out like a whiny boy and she doesn't find that attractive. Flip the script to get your mojo back.

    Don't worry about anything except your aesthetics, money, and flirt with new chicks. Getting dumped can be the best thing that's happened to you. One day, you'll wake up and say "F This. I need to go back to being the man again". Be the man you once were and everything else in your life will improve. Work hard at everything, put yourself first, and all else falls into place.

    2. Female emotions cannot be logically defined by men. Don't waste your time thinking about what happened/what could have been. Think about what it can be and make it happen. You are going to talk yourself in circle for months until you wake up and get out of this fictitious reality you've created for yourself because you went soft and let a girl define you. Do not give her the time of day, do not text, do not response, do not get emotional. You will get whatever you want.

    3. Always tell her that you understand and agree with the breakup. Then Go NC. She would love to watch you squirm, especially if you haven't treated her well. When you do see her, play it cool, don't be an @$$, show her the new side of you, don't bring up the breakup or any problems, and you'll be good.

    4. At some point in the relationship, you stopped being the man and she took over and gamed your emotions. You became reactive instead of proactive. A follower instead of a leader. Whatever you did, push her away and let her come back to you, so you maintain your frame.

    5. If you don't think it's working out, dump her immediately, drop off the face of the planet. No texts, calls, Facebook, smoke signals, etc. The only way to rebuild attraction is be the confident, cocky, mysterious dude that you once were and hook up with other girls and make sure she knows about it.

    6. You have to show her (i) Your Value (Non-existent in her eyes), (ii) Your pre-selection (Other girls want you), (iii) Manliness (Walking away and not looking back), (iv) You are the prize (She has to earn it back).

    7. Use every experience as a catalyst for change to become a better man. Sometimes, men get stuck emotionally in the past instead of embracing the future. Everyone gets their heart broken, learning why it happened can be a freeing experience to help you man-up, move on, and never allow her to get over on you again.

    8. If you act like a bad@$$ and walk away like a man, she'll be unsure of herself and we'll want you in a few months time.

    9. A woman's love is fickle and conditional no matter how long you've been together. Give her space and use dread games as a way to put things on ice.

    10. You need to drive her nuts with aloofness before you can give in even the slightest. If done correctly, she will be yours for the taking if you even want her back.

    11. If a wife/woman cheats, give her the boot before she does it against in future when you're even more invested and crushed. Ultimately, it's a lose-lose scenario. You either kick her to the curb and go through with the divorce OR you stay with her and she resents you for being weak, not giving her the boot, and feel as if you have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. (Gotta cut the cord. It'll be better for you down the line)

    12. When she contacts with some dumb BS, she just wants validation or else she'll start unraveling. DO NOT THINK WITH YOUR HEART or you'll get screwed. In your world, she doesn't exist for the next several months as you work on you.

    13. When things are going bad, you need to push her away and start acting cold/distance to draw her back. Be the man and be unphased by her BS. The more you do, the more her attraction will fall. (You need to do whatever is counterinutive)

    14. Women want to be led by a man, not by a boy. You must always show that you're higher value than she is. That way, she knows you're the prize. Don't reward bad behavior. Ignore her.

    15. Patience is key. Do not contact or chase. They always come back. Patience is a big part of the game. Reel her in like a big fish (slow, no sudden movements) and then let her go. Build anticipation then go NC for days. She'll reward you for playing it cool.

  7. #736
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thekid55
    UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"
    Dude, I dont even know you and I said the same.

    Stop this.

    You are digging so deep you wont be able to get out.

    Death by ego...its not worth it.

  8. #737
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    9. A woman's love is fickle and conditional no matter how long you've been together. Give her space and use head games as a way to put things on ice.

    10. You need to drive her nuts with aloofness before you can give in even the slightest. If done correctly, she will be yours for the taking if you even want her back.


    12. When she contacts with some dumb BS, she just wants validation or else she'll start unraveling. DO NOT THINK WITH YOUR HEART or you'll get screwed. In your world, she doesn't exist for the next several months as you work on you.

    13. When things are going bad, you need to push her away and start acting cold/distance to draw her back. Be the man and be unphased by her BS. The more you do, the more her attraction will fall. (You need to do whatever is counterinutive)

    14. Women want to be led by a man, not by a boy. You must always show that you're higher value than she is. That way, she knows you're the prize. Don't reward bad behavior. Ignore her.

    15. Patience is key. Do not contact or chase. They always come back. Patience is a big part of the game. Reel her in like a big fish (slow, no sudden movements) and then let her go. Build anticipation then go NC for days. She'll reward you for playing it cool.
    These are so blatantly abusive I have to wonder if youre serious.

  9. #738
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    These are so blatantly abusive I have to wonder if youre serious.
    Agreed. Really disturbing/sick. Can't believe that men really think this way. Pretty scary. Leaves one speechless.

  10. #739
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Dude, I dont even know you and I said the same.

    Stop this.

    You are digging so deep you wont be able to get out.

    Death by ego...its not worth it.
    I understand how it can look that way. I just don't have any other options at this point. I have to protect myself and can't be subjected to her and her changing her mind. Also, I didn't want to sit around, feeling sad and upset anymore. I stopped eating for days at a time. I was sick. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to take control of this situation for me and for my piece of mind.

    At this point, I think she's moved on emotionally, but I think she doesn't want to lose her sense of financial security (me), so she wants to keep on the string.

    I'll list out all of the ways I've tried to be compassionate/understanding, below. I think she's just emotionally immature (Not say that I'm holier-than-thou).

    ///

    1. I sent her a detailed e-mail about joint expenses 2 weeks ago. I attached tax returns, detailed bills, etc. I told her that I didn't have anything to hide and I wanted to be fair. I asked her to only send me money only for her expenses and half of the tax bill, which I clearly laid out for her. I will handle and pay the majority of the expenses.

    Her response: She blew off my e-mail and continued spending money on frivolous stuff. When I finally looked at the banking and saw the charges, I closed the joint credit card. She got angry that I did this. When I asked her about the joint bills, her response was "Your email sounded like a business e-mail, which I hated. Plus, I had more time to review it". We've always been 100% truthful about money, bills, expenses, etc. I hurt that she blew off me e-mail. To me, it felt disrespectful.

    2. I asked her to come back home multiple times because I loved her and wanted to work on things. Instead, she stayed at her parents' house and refused to come back.

    Her response: She accused me of 'kicking her out'.

    3. I agreed to go to counselling (and started going again) to work on some of my issues.

    Her response: She was pleased with this.

    4. By referral of my counselor, I selected a nice financial mediator, a little older lady, that was located by her parents' house. I told her I wanted to be fair and honest. I have nothing to hide.

    Her response: She didn't want to go to the financial mediator. Instead, she wanted to use her mediator/lawyer and started asking me about assets that I don't even have yet. This started to worry me because it sounded as if she was working an attorney and I didn't have one yet. When I asked her for attorney's information, she didn't give it to me. Two days later, she changed her mind and wanted to go to my mediator. (I think her counselor convinced her to go.) By that time, I already hired an attorney because I didn't want to be jerked back and forth anymore. I had to take control of the situation and I need to protect myself.

    5. I feel like she bailed on me during a time which I've been going through some job uncertainty. It may seem stupid to some, but men put a lot of onus of how they can provide for their family. I was feel unsure of myself, which is not attractive to women, so I shut down and started to plan out what was next, career-wise. Could I have handled this differently? Yes, I could have, but times like these are when you need your spouse the most. I could have included her more in the discussions, but as a man, I felt like I needed to have plan before showing it to her.

    6. She may (or may not be) having an emotional affair at the very least. I have no proof, other than a bunch of phone logs of her calling the 42-year-old jerk for 30-40 minute blocks of time. I honestly don't care about that at this point. It just gives me more strength to move on and solidify my decision.

    ///

    Overall, I don't think this is 'death by ego' at all. I had to take back control of the situation for myself. I needed to have piece of mind again and I couldn't be swayed by her changing in moods. At this point, there's no way we could sit in control of mediator and divide assets. We're both way too emotional over this situation. Therefore, the attorneys will handle it. That way, we both can just move forward with our lives.

    In addition, I have to restore my confidence to move on. That may mean I seem 'overly cocky' right now, which is fine. Sometimes, you have to gas up to pull yourself out of a funk. I couldn't sit around and be sad, stop eating, feeling sorry for myself anymore. It's not healthy.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-09-2019 at 10:56 AM.

  11. #740
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    I agree you should be taking control of your situation and getting yourself legally represented in the best way but speaking to friends etc about it doesn't help i feel. Even if they contact you.

    You can end this and resolve this all without turning it into such a battle/fight. If she chose to end the relationship then it's right that she no longer receives your financial or emotional support and your existing shared debts should be shared 50/50. There is just a bit too much anger remaining which i can kind of understand but you need to rise above that and just sort it all out with civility and professionally. It's coming across not that you are protecting your own interests but more that you want to hurt her.

    Regarding some of those building yourself up/break up pointers i agree with some of that as a fellow male, a womans love being conditional is true but the truth is all human love is conditional, men and women. NOne of us are forced to stay with someone we don't love anymore. When we are unhappy we leave eventually but i'm guessing what that statement is saying is when a man gets ill his partner will leave which from friends and personal experience is true but you cannot say that about all women. It just means you picked a poor one. To hold that view about all women is unhealthy.

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