Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 71 of 76 FirstFirst ... 68697071727374 ... LastLast
Results 701 to 710 of 751

Thread: Thekid55's Healing Journal

  1. #701
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,611
    Gender
    Male
    Hello. Dropping in for an update.

    Over the last month, I've started counselling and attended two sessions. The sessions have been very good. My counselor is a good listener and allows me to talk. She offers comments when the moment is right, but she doesn't try to control me or the conversation. We've discussed issues with my wife, my family issues, etc. I'm feeling better, but I'm also do a ton of self improvement on my own. The counselling is just a part of my process.

    In terms of self improvement, I've been in the gym 5x a week. I've been lifting heavy weights and my body is starting changing for the better. More importantly, mentally, I feel grower and more confident. For the last year or so, I've been down about my family situation, but lifting makes me feel great. I also running on 'rest days'.

    With my wife, things are much better. I took 100% accountability for my actions that led to this point (e.g., I got too caught up in the drama with my Mom, I took too much responsibility with her move). Quite simply, I wasn't acting very manly. All of this has changed in the last month---and my wife is reacting much more positively. I'm being strong, more assertive, and having fun with her. Our sex life has been wild (in a good way). Women at work flirt with me constantly, which helps with things at home.

    With work, my company was acquired last December--and the transaction is expected to close in late January. The Company has offered an attractive severance package, but the acquiring company is one of the largest companies in the U.S. Nearly all of the people I work with are going to the acquiring company. Some uncertainty there, which isn't fun, but we'll see.

    I'm going to see some friends this weekend, solo, which should be fun. The holidays and my birthday are coming up, so we will see happens.

  2. #702
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,611
    Gender
    Male
    Hi all, popping in for an update.

    I'm turning 30 soon. It's crazy that I started this journal back when I was 21. Time flies.

    I wanted to do a quick post on things I'm proud of/not proud of. This list solely applies to my 20s.

    Proud of:
    1. Pulling myself out of the turmoil I was in when I started this thread. The breakup forced me to self-reflect and improve myself. I sought out new opportunities, new friendships, and new experiences. I went on Spring Break, re-connected with old friends, dated girls outside of my social circle, etc.
    2. Graduating college w/ a double major and honors. I worked so hard in college.
    3. Getting my first job while I was still in college. We were coming out of difficult economic times, so I proud of myself for pushing myself to do numerous internships to set myself up for that opportunity. I worked hard for 5 years at my first job and learn a lot of valuable lessons. I learned how people should be treated (and also shouldn't be treated). I also learned that I don't want to be a slave to my job. Money isn't the only thing.
    4. Getting my second job was a big 'step up' for me. I joined one of the biggest, most popular companies in the U.S. and made a lot more money. I work with some amazing people and I saw how great management works. I built my network up and learned a lot of great skills. As of now, there's some job uncertainty, but I will embrace it.
    5. Self improvement and development. I've read so many books on business, psychology, finance, etc. I've also sought out mentors online that I've learned a lot from. I'm operating at a much higher level than I ever have. The world makes more sense to me now since I spent so much time learning. Learning never stops, either.
    6. I ran a half marathon at 28. I'm currently getting very muscular.
    7. My parents divorce was devastating; there were a lot of sleepless night, a lot of stressful nights. However, it made me a stronger man. I learned that I can't be everything to everyone. I can only do my best and I learned to set better boundaries with people. I allowed my Mom to push my boundaries---I'll never let someone do that again.
    8. Getting married to my college sweetheart. In our 20s, we did a long distance relationship, moved in together, built up our first 'home', supported each others' career and went a lot of great vacations together. We're ready to take the next step (buying a home, having children shortly thereafter). However, the game never stops and I have to keep improving myself on a daily basis. I wouldn't expect anything less from her, either.
    9. I learned to embrace uncertainty when it comes to investing. I made some "risky" investments. Some worked out, others didn't, but each was a learning process.
    10. I improved my style. I dress much better now.


    Not Proud Of:
    • I'm not proud of how I let my 'frame' get scrambled on multiple occasions. When I say "frame", I mean my identity, worldview, etc. My break-up in 2010 scrambled my frame, my parents' divorce scrambled it too.
    • I'm not proud of how I became short-tempered with my wife and close friends. It's something I'm addressing in counselling. I want to be more open.
    • I'm not proud of how some of my friendships dissolved. Maybe that's just life, but I miss some of my friends. I should call them.

  3. #703
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,611
    Gender
    Male
    Hi all, popping in for an update. Happy New Year!

    I'm here to reflect on 2018. In short, 2018 was a roller coaster ride.

    Relationship-wise, my wife and I went through a rough patch in the fall, but things have improved. Our sex life is off-the-charts good. She craves me constantly. (Hat tip to my gym sessions, which I'm doing 5x a week.) Our communication still needs some work, but that may be a lifelong task. I love her and see my life with her. We went on some fun vacations together and she planned a fun surprise party for my 30th brithday. Some of my longtime friends attended, which was great.

    With my immediate family, I don't have much of a relationship w/ my Mom. She wants to constantly argue and fight with me about the past. I can't tell whether it's just who she is or if it's her medical condition affecting her. My Dad and I have a solid relationship while my sister is going through a tough time (Rehab, may get divorced).

    With work, things are still unsettled. I'll have options, but it's unsettling not knowing what the next few months look like.

    In terms of side hustles, I started making a lot of money. This has given me confidence that I don't need to totally rely on a salaried-job.

    Going into 2019, I want to continue my excellent workout schedule in the gym, be a better communicator/listener, add more side hustles and just be a better man for all parties in my life.

  4. #704
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    1,896
    Gender
    Female
    So glad things are looking up for you, K55! You made it through this rough patch, and just know there will be more. I saw an interview with a couple that had been married for 75 years. They asked them the secret, and they said that they fell in love, then fell out of love, then fell in love again, periodically. The key was the commitment - and the fact that they didn't fall out of love at the same time.

    Commitment, communication, listening with respect, and showing you care with small gestures (sweet notes, hugs, a thoughtful coffee, etc.) and a sense of humor will serve you well through the years.

    Happy New Year

  5.  

  6. #705
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,611
    Gender
    Male
    Hey guys. Dropping by for a quick update.

    In short, everything is going great...with the exception of my marriage. Individually, I feel good. I'm in great shape, I have supportive friends, I have a good job, and I have love and support from my family. My marriage, however, is a different story. A few posts ago, I referenced how my wife and I weren't getting along. This started in June...and has carried over to now. We'll have patches of time where things are going well---then things just turn south. In my view, our issues boil down to three major themes.

    1. I've become more guarded as a person now. I deal with my problems by trying to improve myself in anyway possible. We've also done counselling individually.
    2. My wife psychoanalyzes me non-stop. She constantly pushes me for answers as to 'what's wrong' and doesn't see any of the changes that I've made. This makes me shut down even more.
    3. I've always been a high achiever and I've talked about moving to different states if the right job comes along. I've never said it would be a permanent change since her family lives locally. She's never voice whether she's for or against it.

    I've become a much more guarded person now, given what's happened with my own family. My wife, however, constantly think something is wrong with me and presses me constantly. Sometimes, I'm just having a bad day, somedays, I'm just tired from work, somedays, I just want to chill. These reasons are never good enough for her and she constantly thinks I'm not happy, I'm depressed, etc. Therefore, she'll pepper me with questions non-stop up until the point where I just totally shutdown. I've told her that she's acting like my counsellor and I just want her companionship. She even thinks I've radicalized by a men's right group online because I've gone to the gym more frequently and been more assertive on a day-to-day basis. The psychoanalysis never stops.

    All of our assets were in joint accounts and we separated everything earlier this week. We are still staying in the same apartment, but we are rarely home at the same time. I've recommended a temporary separation because at this point, nothing else has worked. She had a minor car issue on Thursday that upset her. I was there for her and was supportive through it, but she reverted back to her psychoanalysis behavior last night.

    I'd appreciate any thoughts on this

  7. #706
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,127
    It sounds like you've both lost track completely of the romantic side of your relationship, as well as the easy going, friendship side.

    You both sound on edge and are trying to force things.
    It won't work like that.

    I think sometimes you have to get further apart in order to come back together.

    At this point a separation might be the best idea. Give each other space, allow each of you to miss one another.
    When you finally do decide to see each other again, focus on dating, romance, becoming good friends again, having fun and truly enjoying each other.

    I'm not sure that anything else would work at this point. It sounds as though the situation you're in is stressful and uncomfortable for you both.

  8. #707
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,249
    Gender
    Female
    The "psychoanalysis" thing: it sounds to me as though she detects a change in you and is struggling to understand it. Maybe it is your "guardedness" that is bothering her.

    Serious question: Why do you guard yourself from your wife?

  9. #708
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Quad-Cities, Illinois, usa
    Posts
    2,624
    Gender
    Female
    yep. She's trying to understand you. Not realizing her questioning is pushing you away. The further you fall apart....the more she's questioning. Like a WOMAN...she wants to talk about it. You shut down....and want to 'work on yourself' by yourself. Your wife is being shut out...and that is never a good thing.
    Sorry to hear. You had such a good thing going.....please don't throw it away!

  10. #709
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    1,896
    Gender
    Female
    So sorry, Kid. You've been married a little over 4 years now - still newbies.

    It just takes a while to figure out being married, even when life gets messy.

    I hope you two can work your way through this

  11. #710
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,611
    Gender
    Male
    Hey guys. Just dropping in for another update: thanks to everyone whose responded. It means a lot to me. :-)

    In terms of the car issue I referenced, her car is old and needs an expensive repair. Rather than fixing it, we agreed to get a new car. We only have 1 car and only need 1 car right now since I take public transportion to work.

    My initial thought was to buy a nice, dependable used car. After some shopping, the used car prices were not worth itóand it made more financial sense to just get a new car. Itís a little more expensive, but should give extra years of use. I suggested financing the car in her name (given the current issues). She said she couldnít afford the payments if I decided to leave. (She has a lot of student debt that weíve paid down, but it is still burdensome). fortunately, weíve made good financial decisions for years and Bought the car outright in cash.

    Did I love this decision? No, but weíve had many long talks about money over the last few days. We agreed that weíd never screw each other over and she agreed to pay me half of the carís value if we got divorced. Itís a short term cash hit, but I made a ton of money in 2018 and was able to buy it without any issue. Weíve split all of the assets 50/50 for now and she has a great car.

    We agreed to go to the counseling together, so weíll see how that goes. She does not want to have sex right now, but weíve screwed around and had oral sex a few times over the last few days. Also, we arenít celebrating Valentines Day this year. We are going to the gym instead.

    For me, Iíve deveoped massive anxiety over the last few years. I think it stems from my toxic relationship with my Mom, who I havenít talked to in about a month. Iíve tried so many things to cure it (e.g. switching up exercise patterns, changing diet, sleeping more, reducing stress). A lot of these changes have helped, but nothing has cured it. I also have some job uncertainty thatís add to it. I should get some clarity on that front soon. I started taking CBD oil last night and am noticing a good change. Iím not as anxious.

    Overall, Iím doing my best. Iím trying to grow individually while still being a good husband. I accept that I need to be more open, but at the same time, I just want love and support.

Page 71 of 76 FirstFirst ... 68697071727374 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •