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Accepting your mother doesn't love you, is it possible?


loneliestever

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Hi, I would like to know if anybody here has been able to do it or knows a way to get there.

 

I'm talking about being okay with the fact that your mom doesn't love you and never will, to not expect it and to not want to change it.

 

I tried not caring, I've tried isolating myself, I even tried a mourning ritual, and it did work for a few days, weeks or months but sooner or later I get caught up again which clearly means I've never been able to deal with the way things are.

 

Any advice, please?

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Has she done something to make you think she doesn't love you?

 

I think it's often hard for children to completely cut off all hope of love from their mothers, just because we have always been told time and time again, no matter what our parents love us. Of course it isn't always the case, and I'm sure there are parents who don't love their children, but those and few and far between. It's very hard for a mother to actually not love her child. Even when we think our parents might not love us, I feel we shouldn't give up hope and it might just be the way we are perceiving things, rather than how they really are.

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I suspect my mother doesn't love me - people will tell you that is not possible, but chances are those people have never been in our situation. But I do think they love us as BEST THEY CAN. So it is love, in that sense. I believe not everyone is capable of real love - and that includes some parents. Whether it is biological or a personality disorder, I don't know. But it is an issue that THEY have - and NOT a reflection on you.

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Hi all, thanks for your replies.

It’s hard to explain why my mother doesn’t love me without making this a long post full of what’s going to seem like an endless list of complaints.

But well, when I was little my mother would enjoy making fun of me, she didn’t care if something bad happened to me, like the time I had a bike accident, I went inside crying but she didn’t look at me and just said “And?, What do you want me to do?”, when some man attacked me (I was a teenager) as we were walking in the street I screamed and she just said “Get over it” and kept walking, when I had depression she urged me to kill myself, and she always says things to hurt me, a few days ago she said I should go to an arts school “so a teacher can tell you you’re useless, that way you can use your time for something productive”, or yesterday “Your brother is right by not wanting to help you find a dentist, he knows we’re very damaged people”.

 

But if I say anything she cries for days wondering why I don’t love her. She likes telling people that she would die for me and of course she always bought me food and clothes, she still does sometimes and each day she can act so sweet and kind, but the next minute she says something really mean.

 

BriarRose, that’s exactly the situation, and I'm sorry you have been through it too.

And even if it’s their problem, it seems that no matter what happens, something is always going to tell me that if my own mother didn’t love me there’s no way anybody else will.

 

That’s why I want to let go. I can’t keep hoping for her to realize I’m miserable because of how she treats me, she’s not going to stop and I must do something to accept it.

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You get to decide whether you want to believe the voluntary premise that your mother doesn't love you, but if you're finding it difficult to accept that premise, you'll need to resolve whether it's even necessary to put yourself through pretzels trying to do that.

 

An easier premise might be that your mother doesn't behave as you wish. You can spend your life being miserable about that, or you can decide that it isn't your job to 'make' her behave any differently. Then you're liberated. That's also voluntary. It's your call.

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catfeeder, the situation is I don't want to change her, what I want is to accept it.

Whenever she says or does something that hurts me I want to stop the pain, I want to be able to say that I honestly don't care, but I don't know how.

 

Miss Firecracker, she wasn't really abused. Her mother treated her VERY poorly but both of her parents treated her better than any of their other kids. What's more, she was always the favourite one and still is.

I almost drove myself crazy trying to understand why she is this way, but I never figured it out...

She's like a slave for the rest of the world, they snap their fingers and she acts like... well, she does anything she is asked to.

But with me and sometimes with my father also, she's behaves very differently.

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There is no point in trying to figure out where it came from - I've been trying to get a response from my mother my entire life. But it's important to know it's something wrong with THEM, not you - therefore you ARE loveable. I think it is important to limit contact with toxic parents (which is what this is - a toxic relationship). I know it sounds draconian - but you must try to limit your contact with her - she is never going to give you the emotional support and nurturing you crave. Please know she may WANT to , but is unable to - physically or emotionally.

 

I do believe that she would be devastated if something happened to you. I know you may not believe that, but it's true.

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catfeeder, the situation is I don't want to change her, what I want is to accept it.

 

Not exactly. You say you want to accept her as she is, but you're tacking on an implication that likely isn't accurate and doesn't serve you. Or anyone. You're giving yourself an extra hoop to jump through. Instead of, "Mom is unhealthy and possibly mentally ill, so I should find ways to cope with her behavior," you're deciding to spin it as, "Mom is mean, so she doesn't love me."

 

You don't need a doctor to diagnose Mom with a disorder to know that she's not healthy and is probably more unhappy with herself than with anybody else. You can find plenty of support for coping with that, but instead, you're opting to spin it as "My Mom doesn't love me…" which makes it about you--and I don't know where you can find support for such an unnecessary and self-inflicted premise.

 

That premise is voluntary, and that's why you're the only one who can change the premise to make it something you can actually find help working with.

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Hi and thank you all for taking the time to reply.

 

Miss Firecracker, it’s hard to explain but basically by what “we” would consider normal she was treated poorly, by her parent’s culture and religion she was lucky. She was expected to be their servant, not go to school (school is for males), never talk about her feelings, handing over her money to her parents and all of that.

But her brothers and sisters were all physically abused when they did something “wrong”, she was the one in charge of taking care of them and stopped the abuse when she witnessed it, she was allowed to do that because she was the favourite one. Until this day, her brothers and sisters call her when they are in trouble, it’s not healthy but it’s how they were raised, and if you ask them they’re ALWAYS going to say they are thankful for what they had.

The dentist thing can be a little complex as well, some might advertise somewhere but I’m not meant to just go by myself and be alone with a stranger, besides they rarely accept people without a “recommendation”, it’s a risk nobody is willing to take these days with so much violence happening. Last time I needed to change my glasses they had surveillance cameras all over the place and didn’t open the door until I gave my full name, phone number and birthdate!

 

Catfeeder, I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding but I’m not sure if blaming her is going to help. I don’t want to accept her as she is either, what I want to accept is the situation which is that she’s not interested in me.

 

BriarRose, I know you are right, and I have really reduced contact with my whole family to a minimum, what’s more, I even stopped talking to some of them and haven’t met them in… maybe almost a year.

I’m thinking that you might be very right… maybe she seriously wants to care but something stops her… that could be something to work with, I appreciate your help and words very much, thank you.

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You are welcome, that is what we are here for. She definitely sounds like she had a difficult time growing up, and not being able to express her feelings may be at the crux of her issues in expressing her love for you - we will never know. I think they love us in their own way, I really do. And I think just because it is deeply suppressed doesn't mean that love doesn't exist.

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  • 2 months later...

Your mother is obviously taking out on you a lifetime of pain that she's holding onto. You have to understand that what she does and says is not a reflection on you, but a filter that she's seeing stuff through. You are perfect, and a part of her knows that, but she needs to vent her pain on someone and unfortunately you are the closest person to do it on. We hurt the ones we love the most. Try to get some distance from her, and surround yourself with positive people, ones who will see you as you truly are - join a support group for people with similar issues. She has no right to take her troubles out on you - it's wrong - don't stand for it. Many many people have been through this and you can learn to protect yourself from her. My mother is an alcoholic, and although I know she loves me in her own way, she pretty much ignored me as a child and was very negative towards me when I was growing up. Not quite as bad as your mum, but there were never any kind words, and those are the ones that make us flourish - make us believe in ourselves. It's taken a long time, and I had to get a lot of support from external sources, but I now know that what she thinks of me and how she treats me doesn't matter, you have to learn to love yourself, regardless of what others think. I wish you courage to do this. You can. We are not defined by our parents actions.

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  • 1 year later...

My mother doesn't love me either... after 30 years of therapy i finally broke up with her.

 

I came to realize that there was a very hurt and angry young person inside me that deserved my love more than my abusive mother does.

 

So now I focus all that 'Mom love" that I never received from my own mother onto the little girl inside me..

 

 

I sent my mother a letter explaining and said good bye. whether she understands or accepts the situation is not my concern.

I finally moved and did not forward my contact information.

 

I have found that if I neglect this little person within me 'she' starts acting and 'wrecking my house' so to speak..

 

Please take good care of yourself loneliestever.. I believe you are worth very much to the world and hold the hope for great healing in your heart.. I know it's not easy...be brave..

 

try to love and nurture yourself like a mother should...

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I know two girls, friends of my daughter, who wish they had moms that loved them. Each of the stories is a little different; one girl comes from a "good" home where the parents are professionals, the other from a "dysfunctional" home where there's a lot of unemployment, poverty and abandonment (the mom moved out leaving her two 13 & 15 year old daughters alone with their long-haul trucker dad, who is never home)

 

Both the girl from the poor home and the girl from the "normal" home went on to become teenage moms. Only the youngest daughter (who was 13 when her mom abandoned her) made it out okay. She went to work in a bakery when she was 14, found a nice BF (whose parents "adopted" her) and she is now in her first year of college and a big support system for her big sister and niece.

 

Your birth family is just that - you can't choose them. But you can choose to limit your interaction with your mom and just focus on the people that love you. One day your mom might get help, but if she doesn't, empathize and love her, but protect yourself first.

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I am not sure how old you are, but your mom sounds just like a friend's mom. They live 2 hours away, and her mom says things just like your mom does! My friend has worked on her inner strength through the years, and she knows now that her mom is not really capable of loving her in a normal way. And - she knows that her mom has unexpected behavior so that one minute she can be really nice and the next she can say the meanest most abusive things...

 

I believe her mom is mentally ill. My friend has been such a good daughter to her (from a distance) by buying a condo for her to live in and making sure she is taken care of...

 

BriarRose is right - it is not you, it is your mom.

 

You might consider counseling to help your heart to heal from this and to arm you with some good skills to deal with it as it comes up.

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Hi ❤. What BriarRose and others are suggesting about your mother being mentally illwant orally agree with. Honey it is her, not you.

 

How old are you? Do you live at home or are you independent? I would suggest making plans to get away from the abusive mom and getting your own place or a place with roommates and then into therapy as soon as you can, so you can begin healing, rebuilding your sense of self-esteem, and understanding what you have been through. I am so sorry you are enduring this treatment. I also was raised by a narcissistic, addicted and abusive mother who repeatedly told me how worthless and stupid I was, all my life. I'm at mid-life now and have more life experience behind me but often I still have to actively battle the negative voice in my head...mom's voice. Tell me more about you!

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I'm 27, and it was only last year that I finally let my mother go. It's hard. She's your mum. And even if she's awful to you, you feel like you owe her love, or owe her something for dragging you up.

 

I only found the strength to let go because of my son. It was easier to say goodbye for his health rather than for me. I'd probably still be trying if I didnt have him to look out for.

 

It's hard. and you have to be knocked down so many times before you say goodbye forever.

 

Have you thought of writing a journal? I found it really helpful to write letters to her in it, and to write questions , or to write about how badly she treated me at times. I never read it, and keep it in my bottom drawer I found that very helpful.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi, I have no idea how old you are, but at the ripe old age of 50, I realised that my mother was narcissistic and as such had no ability to love me. In her last 7 months of life she was very ill and I did all I could for her. Doctors had put her on some 'happy pills' under our (my brother + mine) instructions - explaining to him that she was a street angel. The pills worked for ~ 4 months and then wore off. I then 'divorced' her. So I didn't see her for the last 3 months of her life. This is the best decission I never made. My mental and indeed physical health was getting worse - I was worn out. I physcotherapist had explained to me that I had no obligation to mind her. This reality changed my life completely. 18 months on, I reflect and realise my decision was the best thing I ever did. I look back and realise how awful she made me feel, how much life I missed out on. She de-sexed me.

Now I have a wonderful feeling of freedom and I can now make decissions to suit myself...............life is great. Eibhlin

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  • 5 months later...

When I was 13 years old, my mother abandoned me for some man. I have lived my adolescence and adult lie without the support of my family. I speak to my mother now, but I know she does not love me, nor did she want to have me to begin with. I don't care anymore, and I can't wait until the day that I needn't address her as "mother". She was an abusive, angry ****** to me as a child, choked and slapped me often.

I am sorry; but I can't wait until she is gone from my life.

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  • 1 month later...

I know exactly how you feel. I was abused as a child, but that makes me all the more determined to be the Best Mother I can be.

I think twice before losing my temper with my kid.

I am a single MOM--and its sometimes hard.

But I remember how I was treated...and I still wake up from nightmares.

My CHildhood has scarred me for Life!!!

I was the youngest of 5 kids.

Siblings bullying is understandable..But My mother was the worst!!!!..and played favorites , still does.

As a child , she called me names, as Blackie, Darkie, or the UGLY one.

When somene would say that I look like her--she would say--No she looks like her dad, the other kids look like me.

I grew up thinking I may have been adopted.

I got yelled at and Spanked at the smallest things.

EVERY single day--I got spanked with Spoons Ladles, or Pinched on my thighs, and HIT on my back.

If she was in the US, she would be in the prison.

I wet my bed until I was in the 6th grade--I was traumatized.

Now that all of us kids have grown--I share this sometimes, and my siblings say that I Exaggerate and still remember petty things.

It may have been petty for them--But I went through it all.

I have this all vent up inside me for so many years--ALl I want her to say is that--"She is Sorry"

But She does not even acknowledge it--I guess she is ashamed--and knows that she cant hurt me anymore.

I hope one day she will love me--i hope one day she will say--she is sorry....

-Guddi.

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Here is a note from a guy this time in the same boat.

 

I relate so much to yours and a similar thread here

 

 

Maybe that is partly why I occasionally drop in on the forum - to feel that

I am not the only one with these feelings. When we give our advice to others

we should sound strong to give others hope, but we all have our days and this

morning I had the same question on my mind as you.

 

I agree with the others here. Mothers try to love, it's just that

the basis for a loving relationship is not there and their issues

really are their issues. It hurts us and damages our relationships though,

which is why distance is needed.

 

In principle I dont question my mother's love, though I have doubts my father

ever really understood it. Somehow he died a long time ago inside for me, I was

just going through the motions, trying in vain to have a father son relationship.

Living in make-believe.

 

I think you have had so much good advice here that I dont need

to add much. For us guys in this situation (and from certain parts

of the world), we have one major other mother-child betrayal that makes all the

following ones just echoes of that first one. I am a member of a foreskin restoration forum

and I cannot tell you the inconsolable sense of pain, anger and depression

that so many of us have in coming to terms with being mutilated and violated

as babies by the very people who are meant to protect us. Us guys try to live

in denial but eventually the lack of sensation in our relationships (for both man

and woman) just becomes too obvious. After that we never really feel "whole".

The physical scars are deeply emotional ones too. We try to cheer each other

up with forum joke threads (without the word "cut" even featuring...) and we

encourage each other to carry on trying to grow skin so we can somehow

take back something that was robbed of us, even if its faux. The long

hard physical journey, taking years of daily work, is also an emotional one.

My heart really aches though every time I see photos of guys with botched

mutilations and cut so skin-tight they have painful erections. Parents are

strange. Utterly incomprehensible.

 

I guess some of us are born into difficult family situations and we must decide for

ourselves if we are going to be victim personalities or overcomer ones.

 

Be well - love and take care of yourself.

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