(VERY DISTURBING: MAY TRIGGER, SORRY) Rape/murder fantasy....i apologize.....

"Let's just say your right, and

the nightmare ends,

we wake up side by side,

what makes you think that i

would let you live,

i've really lost my mind.

As relief washes over me,

calm, consumes me....

i shut my eyes and once again the pleasure strangles me,

i taste the tears of sweet indulgence, pain, and fantasy,

ohh, the visions inside my head,

the emptiness will haunt you,

SANITY IS SLOWLY SLIPPING FROM MY HANDS NOW,

I'M STANDING CLOSER TO THE EDGE THAN I SHOULD BE ALLOWED,

oh what little regret i have,

does that make me a killer?"

Alesana-"Hymn For the Shameless" (this song describes what i feel like and when i pass, it'll be my funeral sound along with "Louder Than Thunder" by The Devil Wears Prada....my story is down below, BE WARNED...IT'S VERY GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING, i am very sorry if this triggers. I JUST NEED HELP, i wish someone would save me.....i'm desparate)

ONE OTHER THING, I APOLOGIZE IF THIS BROKE ANY RULES, BUT PLEASE DON'T DELETE....I REALLY NEED HELP or advice, this is a serious problem i am battling and I AM NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE OR MURDER OR ANYTHING ELSE.....if i was advocating, i wouldn't be begging for HELP....

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My issue is that NOT ONLY am i sexually aroused by the thought of being murdered (raped at knifepoint and having my throat slit).....(i'm a 22 y/o female btw) BUT I ALSO REALLY WANT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BLEED TO DEATH. I can't seem to get away from my past or myself. i have a friend who is aroused and obsessed by the idea of murder, and we "role-play" my death. He has told me many times how hard he fights back the urge to seriously kill me. These thoughts scare me yet at the same time, comforts me, like a strange form of suicide? I love feeling him pin me to the floor, pressing the blade against my neck and hearing him whisper graphically in my ear how he wants to watch me bleed to death and how, if he wanted to eviscerate me, strangle me or slit my throat, there wasn't a thing i could do to stop him. He tells me how much he loves to see the fear in my eyes (as he brings me to the point of near unconsciousness --strangling me as the life about fades from my eyes), and i know that when someone does end it for me, i will be terrified and have a need to live. but I love feeling like my life could end at any minute, and i love my body's natural response to fear (the heavy struggling as i attempt to fight him off, and the stillness that comes over me when he places the knife to my throat or wraps his hands around my neck). The body's natural fight or flight system is just as thrilling to me, feeling myself violently fight as his hands strangle me as i gasp for breath. I can't take this anymore, in our role-plays it all ends the same, he rapes me and he slits my throat and gets off on watching me die. i can't tell you how badly i wish he would just do it....i hear these voices/thoughts in my head URGING him to "kill" as i struggle beneath him, and i just wish it would all just STOP....i want these thoughts to go away....(MY FRIEND IS NOT ABUSIVE IN ANY WAY, he is an absolute complete sweetheart, he was also badly sexually abused when he was younger too.....we just "role-play", he is not a danger to me.....)

i don't know what's wrong with me and i have been agonizing over whether or not i should post this for a while now. I wish i could escape my mind and the thoughts inside my head, and everytime i think i'm ok, the thoughts come back to haunt me. When i push them away during the day so i can try to be somewhat normal, they come back at night in the form of nightmares. Brutal violent nightmares.

Those who know me in real life know me as being really happy, upbeat, and always therefore others. But no one knows the stuff i internally battle and how badly i wish i could escape from myself. I have battled strong suicidal tendencies since i was young. I actually remember being in 8th grade and i had lost my grandmother (who was basically my second mom). I felt like everything was crashing down around me and i knew my grandfather kept a gun up in the cupboard but he used to preach about keeping UNLOADED guns in the house. My brother and i were going to therapy cause we were going through a great deal of emotional abuse from my father and his wife (we even witnessed them beat the sh*t out of our mom, they threatened to kidnap us, they were heavy alcoholics, and much more) so for me, i figured this would be an escape from all the pain. I waited until i was alone in the house and made a deal with God, i was going to put the gun to my head, count to 3, and pull the trigger. If i was meant to die, let the bullet end it, if i was meant to live then the gun would be empty. I stood on the chair, but the gun to my temple and as i got to 3, i heard my brother and grandfather coming into the house so i put the gun away. I FOUND OUT YEARS LATER, THAT THE GUN WAS LOADED.....i also tried other forms of suicide with no sucess.

Some history, i am 22 years old now (female), and i know when i was 10, my babysitters son sexually abused me (though i have no recollection), my family refused to tell me much of what happened. Then throughout my teens, my mom's (now ex) boyfriend was sexual with me for years. My mind would disassociate from the abuse by imagining being in the hands of a killer....my throat slit to escape what was happening to me....

pretty soon, thoughts of being raped and murdered plagued me, and it all just feels so right....i feel like i am meant to be attacked and my life taken,

and on one hand, i'm very at peace with the idea of being murdered, but on the other, i'm scared of it and want NOTHING TO DO with that side of me. I can't have a normal sexual relationship without these thoughts interfering and causing me extreme distress,

and it became so bad, i actually contacted people online who wished to take my life (they all had similar methods: rape, mutilation, and cutting my throat). I don't know what's wrong with me, and i had thought about taking my life to get away from the thoughts but I COULD NEVER KILL MYSELF....

but i planned everything:

the method i would use, where i would park my car, made a list of songs to be played at my funeral, wrote a note, and made a cd in which i would leave on repeat till someone found me. I was going to park my car in a church parking lot, cover my vehicle with a tarp (i planned on bleeding myself to death, so i didn't want to traumatize the person who finds my car) and post a note, warning whomever came accross my car NOT to look inside and to contact authorities. I was also going to leave a note for my mom, telling her it wasn't her fault and that i love her.

BUT I COULD NEVER DO IT.....i just want help, but i don't have the money, and i don't know what to do anymore. I get flashbacks from some of the abuse, and i try to deal with it but it keeps haunting me. I'm just sick of the pain, i'm sick of crying, i'm sick of the darkness, i just want it all to end....it scares me, my thoughts scare me.

"So now this is over,

and the world falls upon me,

i never expected to be here alone,

the shadows are forming as we burst into flames,

why does this end this way?"

--Asking Alexandria lyrics

end your relationship, ASAP, really unhealthy... on top of this, you need to understand what true intimacy really is...it has ZERO to do with sex. Rolepalying suggests a matter of trust but this trust is highly misplaced and will end up turning against you sooner than later. Find faith and romance to replace these terrible thoughts. Find a new guy that inspires brighter things in your life. As you grow older you'll look back on this as a ridiculous stage of your life and you will consider your actions really wasteful. So take charge, do this today....

T.

That's the thing, HE DOES inspire brighter things and he is a complete sweetheart, he told me that we can stop the role playing at any time, that if i decide i want to change my interests, we can quit altogether. In all honestly, i wonder if he does it because i had asked him to? But it doesn't matter what type of intimacy i involve myself in, it is ALWAYS so messed up in my head. Part of me is sick of this life and pain....

i just want to be normal.

This guy i'm kind of seeing is more into nicer stuff, but he still has that other side to him that i seem to bring out, since we both have similar sexual interests.....i dunno, when he does nothing but compliments me and talks me up, IT SCARES ME.....i feel panicky, terrified, my heart skips beats. Even something like kissing scares me, i want to run.....hide somewhere, i don't know what is wrong with me.....

There are many sexual abuse counseling clinics that exist in secret. Try to get into the realm of counseling my dear. I say these exist in secret because they are usually geared for women with a zero tolerance for men hanging around. It's meant as a safety net for women who are having emotional difficulties surrounding being near men. You need some sort of on going help, someone who will listen to you without judgment or jumping the gun. It's likely that you have a serious form of depression and you should address it. There are truly good medications available, and alternative methods as well if you do not like the idea of having to swallow a pill everyday. If you are not seeking help out of fear or expense to your wallet, please know that what you are experiencing is a lot more common then you think. There are free services available that you can access from anywhere. If you are comfortable telling me- what country do you live in? I just want you to know that you are not alone. People have a huge tendency to not like to admit things like this, but once you get into a community full of people who feel safe doing so, it can be hugely unburdening.

Lastly, cry when you need to cry. Feel safe doing so. Feel safe to tell people you are depressed. There are those who will judge you and make you feel worse about it. Try to avoid those people. I have been battling depression now for 10 years and I know where you are coming from. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Find your rock, find what you need to force yourself to carry on. STAY AWAY from role playing games that will entertain those fantasies, they are not ever going to help you move on. Talk to your guy and tell him you do not want to do it anymore, you want to get better. You would not have posted this otherwise. Learn to go back to the feelings of strength when you decided to carry on. Live off of them. It will get easier with time if you find the proper support.

Lots of love, Cal

I'm very glad you want help -- and not to actually act on these "final" fantasies. This is the healthy part of you -- the part of you that is undamaged, that wants to live and find your way out of this repeating living/waking nightmare.

Believe it or not -- there is nothing wrong with you. You are reacting in a normal way to circumstances that were anything but normal. So again, that means there is a healthy core within in, that is capable of responding appropriately to situations.

And once you get help, your mind can slowly learn to accept the idea of new situations that you can respond to...safe ones, ones that don't have to involve fear for your life. Right now, your mind is conditioned to feel more "alive" when you relive these experiences, because when you're high on adrenaline, it truly is a "life or death" rush. Once you start to heal, you'll find other ways of channeling that lifeforce...so that you won't need to keep acting it out in this way, the only way your brain understands, over and over.

As I'm sure you're aware, you need professional therapy -- and with someone who is specially trained in trauma and in particular, childhood sexual abuse. There are many counselors/therapists who work on sliding scales, but it's hard to find them randomly, so what I suggest is that you talk to your family doctor about this and ask for a referral. Do you even have a family doctor? A female GP would be the best bet -- one who creates a trusting presence for you. You don't have to tell her all the grisly details...but you can tell her that you need to see someone about psychological issues going way back to family abuse, and of a sexual nature, and that your feelings are very frightening and that you can't sleep. Say you fear not being able to afford it and can they suggest therapists who will work on a budget with you, or if there are other resources you are not aware of, either community-based or private practice? Do they know of practitioners who work with low-income patients? Doctors are there to help you find someone. And your problem is, unfortunately, not uncommon. So you have a great deal of hope to start moving towards the light here -- you just have to reach out and take the first step.

Silence (as your name suggests) is the nature of shame, and keeping silent...the way things stay unhealed. You need to talk to others, other women and even men who have experienced what you have -- and hopefully, one other person who is trained to understand how to guide you through.

But in the meantime, google "rape/sexual abuse survivor/childhood/support/forums" and you'll find many online places to start TALKING. We live in a very good age for this, because you can "speak" with many others even before finding a personal therapist, thanks to the internet. This is a great forum but you also need one where everyone there has been there and this is a sole focus...and can show you you're not the only one with such fantasies and feelings, and can also tell you that they came out of it and how beautiful life is on the other side of the darkness. Sometimes, there is no help like that of those who are going through what you are...and who have overcome.

Here is one site where you might start, but there are others as well. That you even posted here is a great start, a great sign. Just keep reaching for more and more who will listen, and you WILL find people to surround you in your healthy urges to break free of this.

link removed

You are not a freak, you are normal. I know how you feel. I felt the same when I was young - I had been abused and for years was excited by the thought of being beaten or harmed. I couldn't understand it. I later figured out it all had to do with what I experienced when I was young. I did not get counseling, but I did find a man who I confided in, and he understood, and we worked through it. After a long time, I had totally stopped thinking that way. I am not a professional, but I can tell you that people can help you. You have so much to offer, but a part of you hates yourself and wants to harm yourself. You can heal that part of you. I know you can. I did, with help from people who cared about me.

I would imagine part of the reason you are able to feel these things is because you still have your control. You are with a guy you feel you can trust. This is nothing like the reality of being forced into painful and bloody situations.

There is more I could say I am sure.. but.. I think you need to get away from your boyfriend for the time being. Never say never.. you can't say you won't go through with it when the temptation is there. And he shares in your fantasy. Neither of you are healthy as of right now. I hope you take the advice of the others to get into counseling.

You have to remind yourself that what you want is the fantasy not the reality. An actual rape and murder is something you can't experience if you want it.

All I can say is, I absolutely 100% ditto the "AfterSilence" website suggestion. That place is wonderful and specifically targets victims of all sorts of sexual violence. I think it's so important to talk to people who've been through what you have, who know exactly what you're feeling, who probably share a lot of your same confusing/painful fantasies. You're not alone.

You need professional help on this....And yes stop meeting this person. You need to leave all that abusive past behind you. Anyway I can help to talk things through?

yeah, im' pretty sure i need professional help cause i seriously feel like i'm losing my sanity at times.....i don't know how to have a normal sexual relationship cause the threat of my life being taken makes me feel calm/peaceful, but when he compliments me (Which he does all the time, he is CONSTANTLY talking me up and telling me how wonderful i am), i become terrified. He is extremely loving, kind, caring and affectionate, all of which i am not used to. He is COMPLIMENTING ALL THE TIME, and writing romantic poems, etc.

He is the sweetest guy i know, and i just feel so safe when i'm in his arms and even when we are role-playing my death (he lets me set ALL the boundaries and respects me.....i think he does it because he knows it's what i'm interested in, BUT he said that we can stop playing this "game" at any time. That if i decide i want to change, he will support me in whatever decision i choose).

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for bringing me here, SuicideSilence. I read your story and it was so similar to mine I felt safe posting my own problem here. I myself intend to seek help when my situation improves to where I can do so. I don't know if you will want to do the same, but whatever you chose to do, I would only ask that you remove the knife from your games and step back from the edge a little. If your imagination is anywhere near as vivid as my own, you can bridge the gap from fantasy to reality without that particular prop present, and remove the temptation of taking things too far from your boyfriend.

I have no doubt he's a sweet guy, but as with most sexual relationships, as time progresses, you need to up the ante to get the same sexual thrills. Think about it, please.

hi ,

this is my first post here. Just did a google search " I wanna kill myself " and ended up here reading your post @ suicidesilence. I found your post very similar to my situation.

I too was sexually abused by one of our servant ladies whan I was 6, I dont know how long it continued, dont remember exactly but I think for years. Anyway over the years I am also having thoughts or fantacies of getting attacked, abused (not sexual though). it goes far as having myself killed by a stranger or something like that. Similar to what you have described. I ve been having these thoughts since my childhood. But really I dont wanna end my life or get hurt, I know life is precious. These thoughts have never stopped to this date, and my fight continues.

But now I realize after reading your post, may be the abuse I ve taken could be the reason for my unhealthy wish or thoughts(I dont know how to call it) of being tortured to death. I ve never talked about this abuse, not even my family knows. I ve never done therapy, I dont simply believe in that. ( I am not telling it's not good but it doesnt work for me)

I am fighting this by spending more time with my family and friends. I spend most of my time with people who love me. Trust me on this it helps a lot. I am far better now than before. These thoughts appear mostly when I am alone. Like everyday whenever I hit the bed it comes. I use music (classic) to drive it away, and it's been working like magic. I don't know how much of a help my reply has been, I hope it will help you in someway.

remember, we might have only one life... and it is the most precious thing you will ever come accross.

Good luck.... !!!

** btw, please quit the rape and kill game... it is really dangerous. Human mind is something volatile and in a split second it can turn a saint into a pervert.

OP, PM me if you ever see this. I understand very well your interests and would like to talk.

OP, PM me if you ever see this. I understand very well your interests and would like to talk.

Could you pm me?? I don't know how to do that on this site. You struggle with the same things?

OP, how are you doing? Have you looked into any kind of professional counseling?