Future Mother in Law issues.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months and have known each other for 5 years. We've discussed a future together and have a pretty healthy relationship with the exception of a couple of big things. We're both 28 years old, have solid jobs, and live alone.

His mother lives in Florida, we live in Ohio. She has come up to 'visit' him and has been here for a month. She doesn't plan on leaving for another 2 months.

It would be fine, except for: He has a one bedroom apartment, and she has to go everywhere with us.

We can't go to dinner, the store, or even sit in the living room without her being with us. She's a nice lady, but I have not had one single moment alone with my man since she has been here and the way it's going, WON'T until January. I feel very selfish, but at the same time, I want some time with my boyfriend, even if it's one night a week that we go eat dinner alone together.

He won't come over to my house because he doesn't want to leave her by herself (He hasn't actually said this but I get the feeling that is the reason he won't come over to my house.) He refuses to come sleep over at my house over night even though I live one block away from him.

We obviously never have sex because she's always only feet away from us at all times. I'm getting so frustrated with it that I've stopped going over to visit him every single night. They eat dinner together, go to the store together, you name it. Again, it's his mother so I feel conflicted and very selfish.

We had talked about getting engaged and moving in together next summer. His mother has mentioned more than a few times that we need to be sure to get a bedroom for her because she'll be here a few months out of the year. It wasn't even discussed with me.

Do I have a right to be upset about all of this? or am I being a selfish person? Furthermore, how I can gently tell my boyfriend and I respect and like his mother but I don't want a 3 way relationship with her the rest of my life?

It sounds bizarre to me. That much of mama's boy can't be a man. Tell him its a deal breaker.

We had talked about getting engaged and moving in together next summer. His mother has mentioned more than a few times that we need to be sure to get a bedroom for her because she'll be here a few months out of the year. It wasn't even discussed with me.

 

 

You said it pretty well in your last paragraph. Gently tell him those things. For your relationship to be successful he will have to break away from mom, and mom will have to give you two some privacy. Let him know that you encourage his relationship with her but there has to be some balance where there is room for the two of you as well. Hopefully there is not a bigger issue of "mom control" in his life that will have to be resolved before he is able to have any healthy relationship. Your need is legitimate as long as you are willing to share which you show that you are. If this is going to be an annual thing then you two will surely have to come to an arrangement where there is time for you to be alone together. Alone time as a couple is a must for any relationship to stay healthy. This is a good opportunity for you to practice communicating your way through a tough situation. He may want to break away as well and not know how so you could try asking him how he feels about her always being everywhere with you all the time. Think about how you will handle his response in case his response is to side with mom before you approach him so you can plan a win win for both of you. Good luck!

Hmmmm... it would be different if she were only staying two weeks... but 3 months???? Yes - you clearly need some boundaries and the sooner the better!

Good Luck!

You should talk to her and explain that your relationship is still new, and you guys need time and space just for the two of you, to keep it "growing".

You should talk to her and explain that your relationship is still new, and you guys need time and space just for the two of you, to keep it "growing".

I disagree. It isn't her place or responsibility to set boundaries with her boyfriend's mother. Her boyfriend needs to do that.

I disagree. It isn't her place or responsibility to set boundaries with her boyfriend's mother. Her boyfriend needs to do that.

This is correct.

I guess it depends on the relationship she has with the "future mother in law". If they ARE going to get married, the two women need to be able to see eye to eye.

Do I have a right to be upset about all of this? or am I being a selfish person?

I don't think you are being selfish. He cant give you one night to yourself in 3 MONTH period of time.....yikes! I could see if she were visiting for one week....

I don't know what else to say except that if you don't want a future that consists of this kind of stress you should probably run now. The problem with these situations is that they are so dysfunctional that even if he gets the temporary confidence to mention anything to her, she will likely guilt him into thinking you are evil or something. It sounds like she already has him as a personal servant of sorts and that you will never be able to penetrate their little dynamic and have a normal marriage with a MAN.

Try talking to him and let him know that you miss him and would like some time alone (even one night a week) to have sex and spend time together as a couple. If he can't understand that, there is something wrong with him. Take it as a preview of what is to come in the future. She will be a thorn in your side forever if he can't balance his different kinds of love for the 2 of you now.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. I would find that unacceptable.

Same here. I don't think I could ever live with having a whole room of my house dedicated to my MIL. If a person is coming over as a "guest" they need to be grateful you are letting them stay with you and take whatever place you give them to sleep in.

I don't mind guests but no way would any family member (my mother, or my husband's mother) have their own bedroom in our house- especially if they thought the were going to mandate it on us. No way in Hell. lol

Do I have a right to be upset about all of this? or am I being a selfish person? Furthermore, how I can gently tell my boyfriend and I respect and like his mother but I don't want a 3 way relationship with her the rest of my life?

Yes, you have every right to be upset over this. I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Pull him aside saying this is VERY important and that you both need to talk. Then talk about setting boundaries. For a relationship to work out, there needs to be boundaries. If his mother is there all the time, that can cause many problems. And he needs to be the one to tell his mom to back off. If you tell her, she will get angry at you and may try to turn your bf against you. It's his mother and he needs to separate himself from her. He is an adult and doesn't need to be constantly taking care of his mom. She can handle being alone for a while. If he can't do that, then you might need to reevaluate the relationship.

Express your concern to him and let him know this isn't what you want in life or from a partner. He or rather mommy is making decisions for your future already, and you are not even engaged yet let alone married. Tell him the umbilical cord needs to be cut now if he wants a successful relationship with you or any other woman.

I especially agree with this.

The problem with these situations is that they are so dysfunctional that even if he gets the temporary confidence to mention anything to her, she will likely guilt him into thinking you are evil or something. It sounds like she already has him as a personal servant of sorts and that you will never be able to penetrate their little dynamic and have a normal marriage with a MAN.

Unless things really change and he starts spending time with you alone, perhaps you might need to rethink what you want from a partner.

Would you be willing to have your mother in law staying with you for a few months out of the year? Would he have her go a with you two everywhere if you were married? There is a lot to think about.

You all are missing one important detail:

He has a one bedroom apartment, and she has to go everywhere with us.

 

We can't go to dinner, the store, or even sit in the living room without her being with us. She's a nice lady, but I have not had one single moment alone with my man since she has been here and the way it's going, WON'T until January. I feel very selfish, but at the same time, I want some time with my boyfriend, even if it's one night a week that we go eat dinner alone together.

I agree that the OP needs to have a discussion with her boyfriend about all the problems. HOWEVER, how can she have a PRIVATE conversation when his mother is constantly around them? That's the tricky part. If he refuses to go OUT and leave his mother to a TV, then she will have to bring it up in front of his mother. There is no other way around it.

Really, this is a serious deal breaker, especially if he starts the marriage talk. This will be an ongoing issue throughout their marriage.

Hopefully she sleeps at some point and they can whisper.

I agree that even finding the time to talk could be a challenge in and of itself.

She can always call him and ask him to meet her because they need to talk privately. E-mail also works and I am going to take a long shot and presume he might be able to even answer a phone call and go to his bedroom to talk to his girlfriend.

OP needs to let her boyfriend know she wants to talk, and she wants to talk in private. While her boyfriends mother might want to always come with him where ever he goes, the OP needs to stress to her boyfriend that the talk is regarding their relationship, and his mother has no business being present for that. I'm sure it's tough, but she needs to also think about herself and her needs, rather than just him and his mother. Fair is fair.

You could alsways ask him to go for a walk with you.

Ask him to leave work for lunch and talk about it then?

thank you all for your advice, it's very helpful and it's re-assuring to me that I'm not being completely selfish.

Our sex life has taken such a hit. If I ever spend the night with him in his room, I try to initiate things but I can never get it to go anywhere and I think it's because, obviously, his mom is one room away.

It truly is a challenge. What makes me feel guilty is that his mother is a nice lady. He's his mother's only child, which I think is some of the reason for their overly close attachment.

his mother is a nice lady

Even nice people need boundaries.

Also, not to sound like a pessimist....but she is nice so far because everything is being revolved around her. Anyone would be nice under those conditions. Would she be nice if you didn't give her a room in your house though or she didn't control the situation?

Who knows, maybe he is the one driving the dysfunction and not her. Maybe she would not even care if he left to spend time wiht you. Either way there will be no progress unless you talk to him about it.

BellaDonna, you are absolutely correct. I certainly can't put up with this for another 8 + weeks. And to pay rent on a 3 bedroom place is crazy. There would be no reason she couldn't use a guest room...she doesn't need an entire room assigned to her in our house. She is the one who suggested/demanded that she have her own special bedroom and he didn't really say anything about it. He has only made a passing comment that it would be really weird to live with his mom and he said it in a manner that leads me to believe he's not particularly happy about it.

And honestly, I know this may sound bad, but the lack of sex or even intimacy is just killing me. What aggravates me is that he doesn't take the initiative to come over to my house after work or whatever to have some private time. It's concerning.

If things are like that now, it probably wouldn't be any different when you're married. In fact, it might be worse if she is around for 3 months. Everything so far has been going her or his way, she might not be so nice if things were a little different.

You obviously know the issues, now it is up to you to discuss that with your fiance. There are plenty of "only children" who do not stop their lives or relationships just because mommy is around. Would you be acting the same way if your mother was visiting?

it probably wouldn't be any different when you're married

-And it usually gets worse if a couple has children too. MIL will butt in and try to "take over" and be extremely overbearing and insist things be done "her way" and constantly refer back to when your fiance was a child- further infantilizing him and not letting him be a responsible, competent man. Imagine her thinking she needs her own room so she can oversee your mothering if you had an infant.

If healthy boundaries are not set right now this will not get better. The first instance in which you will see it get worse will be in the wedding planning itself.....and it will just progress and snowball from there.

Petite, you are right. If my mother were here, she would actually be encouraging me to go out and be alone with him! And she would NEVER expect to be living with me and my husband part time.

I'm glad I have advice from all of you, because it truly has made me think about this further: what's wrong with her using a guest room? Why does she have to be with us 3 months out of the year? Extended visits to your grown son's home are not necessary.

When you said 'stopping' the relationship, you made a great point. Our relationship, has, in a way, stopped ever since she arrived.

I get a vibe that maybe a part of her feels left out or threatened that I am (or was) consuming all of his attention and because he's her only one and she is unmarried, she's afraid of being alone.

I hate to sound mean, but she needs to make some friends of her own.

I'll definitely have a frank discussion with him about my feelings.