Thinking...

Imagine that.. I've been thinking a lot lately.. what a rare occurrence.

Anyways, I feel quite confused about how I feel.

My ex and I broke up on October 17, so about 10 days ago. It hasn't been very long, although the relationship had been going downhill for a long time so I feel I had been grieving and getting used to being away from him for a while. I think I knew deep down it wasn't going to be 'forever', but I didn't want to admit it and kept pushing and pushing for things to get better until I couldn't push anymore.

I miss him, I do. I don't like to listen to 'our song' and certain other things remind me of him. BUT, it is not NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be. With my ex before him (who I only dated for 3 months and did not love or have feelings for like I do my recent ex) I couldn't even sit on the couch where we used to sit, and little things reminded me of him and I was heartbroken and angry.

So I begin talking with this other guy, who makes me feel like there is still hope that the right guy is out there (I'm only 19, don't know why I'm in a rush...). I don't necessarily mean this new guy I'm talking to, but I mean in general. This new guy is talking to me how my ex used to when we first met.. and now look at what happened. I almost feel like I place less value in the words now.

So what I'm confused about is.. if I am really getting over my ex, or if this new guy has just distracted me with his compliments and calling me beautiful. Either way, I do know, deep down, that this breakup was for the best. And the fact that I won't have to see him every day helps. He won't even be in the same city and if he is, it is very unlikely that I'll see him. It still hurts, though. I feel very guilty about talking to this guy. All my friends think I shouldn't.. but I do. If I found out my ex was talking to another girl (I mean in a flirtatious manner) I think I would feel very sad. But I am doing the same thing so how is that fair?

On the other hand.. while we were together he talked to another girl in an inappropriate way. So at least I have the respect to wait until I'm out of the relationship.

Despite everything that I feel he put me through, despite the cheating, I still care about him and I know one day when he finds the right girl, she will be lucky. I am sad that I couldn't have been that girl, but it just wasn't right.

I feel like I need to focus on me.. like.. why am I so dependent on someone else for happiness? As thankful as I am for the distraction from P (the other guy), I am sad that I feel happy because of it. Because I know the moment we stop talking/he stops complimenting me and making me feel wanted, I will go back to feeling down.. and likely think about what went wrong with my ex and I. And that scares me. It is scary to be dependent on someone else because you never know when they're going to let you down. If I could just depend on myself for happiness then I wouldn't have that problem.

WHY am I so codependent?? How can I stop it?

It's not like this thing with the other guy is anything, really. We have just texted for a while and gotten to know each other and he's told me I'm beautiful. I flirt back a little, but I try not to, too much since I'm not really sure where I'm at right now. He does know that I just got out of a relationship, though, so I'm not misleading him.

I am scared that I will never be able to be happy on my own. How can I feel secure in a relationship when the honeymoon period is over?? I won't be able to and it will ruin another relationship. I either need to find a guy who will always be romantic or I need to figure this out.

I just do love romance, though.. I do. I mean, obviously not every day. But I like when people go out of their way to do nice things for me just because. And not just in the beginning of the relationship. Because that's how I am. And not just because they broke up with me, either.. hint hint ex. Now he's so nice to me after we're broken up. But we've been talking and I told him I'm okay with things and he said that makes him feel better.

I don't know. I am just kind of lost and taking it one day at a time. I have to say, though.. that this new guy is really messing things around in my head. I wonder if I hadn't started talking to him if I would be just as heartbroken as I was before...

and that feeling makes me sick..