Advice Needed: Setting internal deadline of boyfriend proposing

I did extensive research on this topic and majority of articles and opinions stated that it is a good idea to set up your internal deadline of when you want a committment from your boyfriend. Here is the relevant information about my relationship:

Relationship duration: We have been dating for about 1 1/2 years.

Age: Both of us are 34 years old.

Job: Both of us have full time jobs. He has a government job and I work in the private sector.

School: He will finish law school and finish taking the bar exam by Summer 2011. I will finish my master program and finish my certifications exams by Summer 2011 also.

MY INTERNAL DEADLINE FOR HIM TO COMMIT: DECEMBER 2011.

Good deadline or not? Thank you for the comments.

When you make internal deadlines, you also have to take into account emotional/psychological aspects: is your bf someone who likes to focus on one thing after another, does he need time to make important decisions, what are the accomplishments he wants to reach before settling down? ...

As penelope13 said. Additionally, if I were proposing to a girl, I'd want to have finished "school" and have had some time to stabilize financially and emotionally. After giving some time, you should try to make the guy aware that you are expecting a proposal, instead of just dumping him b/c he didn't hit your deadline.

Does he know about this?

Of course, you could always propose to him.

You should get married when you both feel you're ready. It shouldn't be based on an arbitrary deadline you have in your head.

Does he have any idea you're having these kinds of thoughts?

Why not just ask him what he thinks?

"Babe... I know that we are nowhere NEAR there - what with you and I both in school and everything... but have you ever thought about marriage? When do you see that happening? What do you think that would look like? I'd love to be engaged by December of next year."

If you're going to set a deadline... at least let him help you set it. Don't you want to know upfront if he's not onboard?

Since you've been dating 1.5 years - and the "deadline" is so far away - I don't think he should be running for the hills if you ask.

Hi all,

Thank you for the comments. I posted so I have outside opinion if it is a good idea or not. Of course, I am going to talk to him and let him know that I have some sort of internal deadline. It will not come as a surprise.

We talk about this in general but I just want to find out if the deadline is a good one or not. By Summer 2011, both of us will done with school. We would have been dating for over 2 years.

longist: I am aware that he has to finish school. That is why I stated that my internal deadline is December 2011. He will be done with school and the bar exam by then.

We already have full time jobs (that is also why I posted the information)

Does he know about this?

That would be too easy.

*sigh*

Even if you finish school by the summer of 2011 he obviously wants to do something with law, correct? That might take time for him to get settled into, which could run longer than Dec 2011. I think when you put a deadline on osmething like this, it not only puts pressure on the other party to act before then but on you as well, whether you know it or not, because the entire time you are waiting for that time and if he doesn't come through because he isn't ready, you become dissapointed because you had this fixed deadline in your head.

I think the internal deadline should be determined like this "if I knew he was never going to propose. how long would I stay with him?" Also it's unclear whether you want a prposal or a specific wedding date - be clear with yourself about whether you want to be married by a certain time. Personally, your deadline sounds fine to me.

Here we have a situation where you want a certain outcome but you expect him to know what you want without you telling him - and if he doesn't do it by the time you want him to then you are going to dump him.

Do you really think that is a sensible way to deal with this? Here you are, a grown and mature woman, who is being totally passive-aggressive because you are too afraid to take matters into your own hands.

I posted a similar thread several months ago about wanting my bf to propose but he wanted to wait. Long story short, we have talked many times about this, he is well aware of what I want, and I have an idea in my head of how long I'm willing to wait. When I first set that "date" (it's not an actual date but more of an idea of how long I can go without feeling resentful to him), it kind of started to consume all of my thoughts. I would think about what would happen when he didn't propose by my time frame and how I would feel then. Since then, I've calmed down and realized that I should chill out and enjoy the relationship instead of trying to force something on him that he may not be ready for.

That doesn't mean that I've changed my idea of what I want but I'm not so focused on it that I think about it all the time.

I'm worried that if you set an internal timeline, you will be obsessed with that date for another year and that will cause a strain on the relationship. You may not be aware that you're straining it but you will start to build resentment and worry. Law School is hard enough without having to worry about your gf leaving you if you don't propose. Don't be a weight that pulls him down..be his biggest supporter.

Does he already have a job when he graduates?

I dunno, unless you're going to require some sort of monster rock and a legal contract from him, I don't see the problem, at your respective ages, to getting engaged now and just putting off the marriage till later.

floridagirlal: Yes, he has already a job with the government. It is almost impossible for him to get fired. He is set for life if he continues to work for the government.

generaldiscord: No, I do not want a monster rock. He already knows this and I do not repuire a prenup. All I want is to get engaged by end of 2011

It's great that he is already set with his job.

I think your deadline is reasonable. It gives him some time to finish school, pass his exam, breathe a little....and then plan for the future.

Why the end of 2011? Why not 2012? I think if you put a deadline of any kind on it, it's going to put pressure on you both, especially him.

generaldiscord: No, I do not want a monster rock. He already knows this and I do not repuire a prenup. All I want is to get engaged by end of 2011

Your time line seems fine. You are both at an age where you should know what you want and if he can't make a decision by that time frame, then he might not be worth it. Don't want to waste your time with a guy who may not ever want to marry. He'll have the time to breathe and then move froward and propose with the time line you have. I think it's very reasonable.

Why is all of this dependent on him proposing?

Why is all of this dependent on him proposing?

I agree with DN. Why does the OP not propose if she feels she is ready by that date?

Why the end of 2011? Why not 2012? I think if you put a deadline of any kind on it, it's going to put pressure on you both, especially him.

Because it sounds like her time is precious and she doesn't want to waste her precious 30s waiting longer than another year or so- especially if she wants to be married for awhile before starting a family it sounds perfectly reasonable.

Because it sounds like her time is precious and she doesn't want to waste her precious 30s waiting longer than another year or so- especially if she wants to be married for awhile before starting a family it sounds perfectly reasonable.

That I can understand, but where does one draw the line between her timeline and what makes her SO comfortable? What if he wants to wait a few months after Dec 2011 to propose? When does it cross the line in a woman bullying a man into a proposal?

That I can understand, but where does one draw the line between her timeline and what makes her SO comfortable? What if he wants to wait a few months after Dec 2011 to propose? When does it cross the line in a woman bullying a man into a proposal?

True. My money is on human nature. ;]

Maybe she doesn't want to end up like the girl from Leap Year.

That I can understand, but where does one draw the line between her timeline and what makes her SO comfortable? What if he wants to wait a few months after Dec 2011 to propose? When does it cross the line in a woman bullying a man into a proposal?

I think bullying is ridiculous -but she shoud not stay longer than she's comfortable and explain to him nicely but firmly, that she's going to have to end the relationship if he's not ready to commit to getting engaged. He should propose only if he desires to, of course. Her asserting herself is not bullying, IMO.