The age of 25

I have seen the age of 25 brought up often as being "the age" to wait until when it comes to marriage. Why? To discount young couples and wish them nothing but a hesitant "good luck" and/or a "why not wait a few years" does nothing but add additional weight to an already heavy life decision/transition.

I'm getting married at 23 (two days after my birthday) and my FH will be nearly 31. I see no reason to wait until the "magical" age of 25, but then again, we are financially secure, share a house (that is owned), both have stable jobs, both are furthering our education and we both want similar things for the future...and we've made sacrifices and compromises along the way and will continue to do so. We have explored all the possibilities for change that we could think of, and then just agreed that we will always do what's necessary and/or possible to live a happy and fulfilling life together.

We'll have been together a year by the time we marry. That's another thing third parties love to focus on in a negative light. I'm not trying to defend my future marriage, my relationship or myself...but I do want to know...why are third parties so obsessed with other couples supposed "readiness" to marry? Especially when it comes to the "magical" age?

Discuss...but no flaming please. I really would like to see differing opinions on this in an open-minded nature because I think a lot of interest and value is placed on age at first marriage.

Did the third marry early and regretted it?? I think most of the people just like to look out for those they love. They want what is best for them. My friend who got married at 20 decided to look at the other people as having intentions from the heart rather than out of malice.

I don't think it's heart or malice in most cases, but simply opinion and I'm not sure if it's based on experience so much as statistics. Though if you are solely going off of statistics, those who marry under 20 are less likely to divorce than those who marry between 20-24.

Did the third marry early and regretted it?? I think most of the people just like to look out for those they love. They want what is best for them. My friend who got married at 20 decided to look at the other people as having intentions from the heart rather than out of malice.

Agreed. I don't think people are intentionally being mean, I think they are genuinely concerned because younger people have a habit of making rash decisions without properly thinking the decisions and possibilities through. It's easier to "imagine" how things would be when your "young and dumb" (the phrase has some merit) but once your in a certain situation it may be harder than what you imagine. A majority of the time, it is the people who have "been there and done that" who warn younger people about it.

For instance my best friends husband's brother got married when he was 23 and his wife was 21. They are still together and very happy but it was a struggle to get there(for a variety of reasons). When my best friend and her husband got engaged at 21, and 20, he told his brother "to wait a few more years". He told him this not to discourage him, but to offer him advice he wish he had known.

My mom and dad got married at 23.

They are now divorced. But prior to the divorce my mom always told me to not get married until I'm MUCH older than she was. She never disclosed why, but later on and now that I'm 23 I understand why she stated what she stated. I won't really disclose why I believe she wanted me to wait older, but after careful consideration I UNDERSTAND why I want to wait until I'm older.

On the other hand there are many couples, that are under 25, that are perfectly ready for such a commitment. For me it wasn't as much about financial stability, and some of the things that you listed--that factored into my decision. Those were important, but for all intent and purposes we both were financially secure, and could easily buy a house(we don't believe in living together before marriage), we also have the same vision about our future, agree on the same things, and so on, we both are in careers... The main reasons that have stopped me from getting married under 25 was more about personal accomplishments and dreams I had set for myself that I had wanted to complete before making a commitment to someone. I have a list taped on my wall of 52 things I plan to complete before I'm 28. Half of those things are things that I need to do as a woman without a husband(for personal reasons).

I don't think "25" is the magical age. But I do think that for a lot of people it's "after" 25 where we feel more secure in our lives--whether it's financially, emotionally, mentally, etc.

I think though that if you two are as solid as you say, that you really shouldn't allow anyone's opinions to discourage you.

I think that spiritually rich marriages last long statistically, age isn't a factor

whats the rush to get married tho! i dont get it.. why not give the relationship a bit more than a year before getting married, does that hurt.. try two or 3 years and see if you still feel the same! marriage is forever and it takes time to really get to know someone.. its not only because, your financially secure or have great jobs and working towards goals, its more than that.. people change, i dont think a year is a valid time to know if someone is right to spend the rest of your life with but to each its own! everyone is different..

the age of 25 means nothing

I think that not necessarily age is a factor in getting married but maturity. I have met some mature people your age and some immature ones. I think that if you are mature enough to understand the implications of marriage, that it isnt some magical thing that will make everything better instead that it is a lasting commitment that you make to another person then you will be fine.

I have found that the immature people who get married have unrealistic expectations of marriage and have no idea of what marriage means and in some cases think that being married will make them feel more loved or give them something that they have been longing for in their life.

Here's a 3rd party point of view from someone's perspective that doesn't really believe in divorce.

1. You only live once. If you live until 70, you're spending 50 of those years married to this person that you speak of. That means that you gave 1% of your life to decide that you'll be perfect for each other for 70% of your life. Yes, love can make that 70% great, but there is also a lot to experience in life other than love that often gets constrained by marriage or kids (see the world, learn about yourself, accomplish some career goals, etc..)

2. While this isn't true in every case, there are many cases where people go through dramatic changes in their early 20s. The person you are now and the person you are marrying now have a good chance of being completely different.. and not necessarily in a good way.

3. From people I know, there are many that got married young and the vast majority are unhappy with life now. They have the responsibility of raising a family. Many got divorced.

4. I personally think it is good to have lost a love in your life before settling down with one. You grow and learn a lot from the experience. Some people at the age of 23 haven't experienced that.

5. It's hard to know someone within a year. Many bad things in a relationship don't come into view until 2-3 years into the relationship. These things can be severe enough to stop loving someone that you did love.

whats the rush to get married tho! i dont get it.. why not give the relationship a bit more than a year before getting married, does that hurt.. try two or 3 years and see if you still feel the same! marriage is forever and it takes time to really get to know someone.. its not only because, your financially secure or have great jobs and working towards goals, its more than that.. people change, i dont think a year is a valid time to know if someone is right to spend the rest of your life with but to each its own! everyone is different..

A few things...

1. You only ever know someone as much as they will allow you to know. Some people are together for years and live a lie without knowing it. I could be in that situation, anyone could. I don't feel you need to "get to know someone" for years before marrying...but that is specific to my mentality.

2. The only constant in life is change. Do you think that when people marry, they stop changing? There are people who wait years to marry and then divorce within months, and people who wait months to marry and are married for years. I don't really want to say this is an "exception to the rule" but I think most people are aware of the possibility of regret before marrying, and that elongating engagement is a false sense of security. Again...that could just be me.

Let's keep this on topic though, this is more about age than length of relationship.

I don't think it's heart or malice in most cases, but simply opinion and I'm not sure if it's based on experience so much as statistics. Though if you are solely going off of statistics, those who marry under 20 are less likely to divorce than those who marry between 20-24.

I think it's based on both. Since I'm in my early-mid twenties I can attest to all the young woman I know who got married before 25 and I can count on one hand how many are either happy or are still together. But also going by statistics it seems to represent and confirm personal experiences about the matter.

And I do think that part of it is opinion. I think the other part is knowledge--whether it's from personal experience or scientific evidence.

You are saying that those under 20 get divorced less? I can see that and I have a few inklings about why that would be the case.

The twenties is a tough period. It's a time of adjustment, personal growth, career growth, being independent, moving on, etc. I always commend those couples who are willing to take their future in their own hands, and discount statistics, advice from older folks, and the fact that they'll probably change a TON and still make the decision to get married anyway. I personally can't do that, but I definitely have much respect for those who do.

I had just turned 26 when I got married this month. My husband is 32. I can say that I was ready for marriage prior to the age of 25, but that my husband was not ready until at least the age of 30. Financially he is in a MUCH, MUCH better place than I am, however, I have a masters and he is working on finishing his BA. I matured a lot faster than he did, but he was also smart enough to know that he was not ready for marriage until around 30 and did the things necessary to better himself.

My best friend got married at 21, the same week she graduated from college in fact. Her husband was 23 at the time. They received a lot of criticism of why this and why that, but I am say now 4 years later they are very happy, own a beautiful home and have a 6 month old daughter. They knew it was right, and they didn't care what anyone else said. No one other than the couple will know the exact details of their relationship.

My parents were about 18 when they got married, and they are still married to this day. They were not supposed to last according to the statistics, but they did and it's been over 26 years that they have been married. They struggled financially when they were first married, being 18 and having a newborn, but by the time I was 4 or 5 my parents did very well financially, and they still are today. It was not an easy journey and they certainly did not encourage me to go down their same route, but they were living proof to me that things really can work out.

Again, it REALLY all depends on the individual. My sister is 21 and has talked about marrying her boyfriend, and the thought of that is terrifying to me. She is and always has been extremely immature, has never had an actual job, and is still in school. If she got married things would probably not be in her favor because she, nor her boyfriend have a leg to stand on, never mind two feet on the ground.

I totally agree. That is why I really try to "veer" from that the whole "change" topic when I speak about why I'm not marrying under 25. I've been with my guy since I was 17. I am now 23. We have changed so much, and for the BETTER in many ways. These changes have not divided as much as they have brought us together. On the same hand, it's been difficult. I can't imagine what it would have been like being married to him through these changes, but since we are still together I can only assume that we would have been fine. I said this on another thread, but I think that what's more important than anything is having a common vision and being on the same page about basic things. It's inevitable that one will change, no matter what. Even if you married at 30, you will be different at 40.

1. In my particular case, I am seeing the world more now than I ever would have without my FH. We have already traveled twice together and have three more trips planned for the next year. I never would have taken these excursions without him. And, quite frankly, having traveled a lot (to over 20 countries) in the past either by myself or with my "girlfriends" I can say I have truly enjoyed my experiences with him more. I have also lived in another country. Not to mention that he is the one who has encouraged me to explore more goals for myself, and has supported me unconditionally. We have talked about children but we both agree that waiting five years is for the best. We BOTH want to travel and explore more before having children. Marriage and children sometimes go hand-in-hand but they do not have to happen at the same time.

2. People are constantly changing. You either grow together or you grow apart...that goes for anyone of any age of any length of relationship.

3. Who said anything about kids?

4. I lived together with an ex, who was a great love of mine, for nearly two years. We shared a lot, and had a lot together. I lost a lot from that relationship...and learned/gained a lot from it. We were both self-supporting at that time, and I thought we were going to be together for much longer, but he changed his mind.

5. Give me some examples. As I said before, you can only know as much as someone divulges or does.

I FAR from know everything, but I have experienced a lot in life and think it's interesting that I'm "too young until I'm 25." Why?

I totally agree. That is why I really try to "veer" from that the whole "change" topic when I speak about why I'm not marrying under 25. I've been with my guy since I was 17. I am now 23. We have changed so much, and for the BETTER in many ways. These changes have not divided as much as they have brought us together. On the same hand, it's been difficult. I can't imagine what it would have been like being married to him through these changes, but since we are still together I can only assume that we would have been fine. I said this on another thread, but I think that what's more important than anything is having a common vision and being on the same page about basic things. It's inevitable that one will change, no matter what. Even if you married at 30, you will be different at 40.

I agree with everything you said. It takes 100% commitment from both in the relationship to get through the trials that will come along throughout life. Too many people think marriage/relationships should be a fairytale and anything that goes wrong means "it wasn't meant to be" and off they run to the divorce lawyer. Now, I am not saying that divorce is never warranted...but we seem to turn to it very often. I commend you, it sounds like you have a great relationship and will marry when you're both ready...also good on your boyfriend for KNOWING he wasn't ready, and sticking to that. No one should be pushed into marriage by either societal pressures or family/relationship pressures. All too often people marry because they think they should, not because they know it's what they want.

Lol I knew it wouldn't be long before a thread popped up in response to mine. People should be secure about their decisions no matter what others believe. When there is security debate is moot.

Lol I knew it wouldn't be long before a thread popped up in response to mine. People should be secure about their decisions no matter what others believe. When there is security debate is moot.

It's not just your thread, but many others as well. I didn't want to expand upon it in yours since it was quite off topic. I am secure, but I am still curious in regards to this question/topic.

It's not just your thread, but many others as well. I didn't want to expand upon it in yours since it was quite off topic. I am secure, but I am still curious in regards to this question/topic.

25 is a milestone age and by then it is possible for you to have obtained at least up to a professional degree, have your own place, and be more established. Prior to 25 the maturity (not just in terms of responsibility) in terms of marriage IMO is just usually not there. I think in many cases people who marry prior to 25 are doing so with the love in mind and that will only keep you short term while the understanding of it as contractual is usually better understood by older brides and grooms. That's not to say that a successful marriage is an impossibility prior to 25 but the likelihood of that happening en masse is lower. I think younger people are more likely to marry without having given thought to the business side of wedding and that has a lot to do with our place in society.

Something to think about:

The divorce rate for people aged 25 to 29 years old is 16.4%for women and 22.3% for men.

The divorce rate for 20 to 24 years old 36.6% for women 38.8% for men.

The divorce rate for 30 to 34 years old 8.5% for women 11.6% for men

The divorce rate for 35 to 39 years old 5.1% for women 6.5% for men.

Apparently "25" does have some bearing on the likelihood of divorce. Which doesn't make 25 a magical number, but does imply that being 25 or older secures the chance that divorce is not as likely to happen. Why that is--still not sure, but obviously if you look at this, the HIGHEST rate of divorce happens between 20-24. Not under 20, not above 25, it's during the 20-24 period that divorce is more likely to happen. So is waiting two more years critical? Maybe, maybe not. But if we're going strictly by the statistics then YES it is critical.

Hell I believe you should be in a relationship for at least six or seven years and be in your 30's before getting married. But that is just me. And yeah, if one of my friends was talking about getting married less then one year in I would tell them to slow down no matter what age they are. One year, in my mind, isn't long enough to get past the honey moon stage of things.

Sometimes I feel like people rush into marriage because they desperately want validation. They want other people to see how important this relationship is, how real it is. Otherwise why not wait another year? Why the rush? Is the relationship going to dissolve without vows and rings?

People tend to be so crazy in love the first year or two that they want to prove it to the world. That is what I see when I see young people getting married fast. They both want to prove something. And of course the bride is looking forward to Her Day.

But if I told that to a friend and they told me this was there choice then I would support them. I would show up and be happy for them and give them all the best wishes I could.

People make different choices. I would hope my friends and family would tell me if they thought I was making bad ones, and I would hope they would listen to me if I told them I had deeply thought about it and I'm sure that it's right for me.

Each case is different. I'm trying to keep the statements pretty general. Maybe you have lived life and accomplished everything you want to do as a single person. Maybe you have grown and learned to be able to live without someone else, but appreciate the addition in your life that someone else can bring. I don't know those answers.

As for 3, things can be just as constraining w/ a spouse and no kids. For 5, you probably know some of those answers from your 2 year relationship listed in 4. People keep things hidden pretty well from people they're trying to impress (lasts about 2-3 years in a relationship) and they may keep some things hidden subconsciously (e.g. they don't talk about a particular issue they have with you and it builds up over time until you hate each other and the particular issue is never really discussed). Once people become comfortable in a relationship, many inherent things about the person will start coming into the light. Also, both parties can be blinded at first to the faults of the other even if they show early in the relationship.

Also, I didn't mean to use 1-5 as a checklist.

Too young at 25? That's not the main point. It depends on you as a person, what you want in life, and what you will want in life. We could spend all day with counterexamples (nothing is certain), but the main idea is to sit down and think if you could handle what is to come. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, and probably couldn't even with the best examples. People rarely change an opinion.

If we're going by personal opinion, I too believe a year is fast for marriage. I'm not saying that it's "too fast" but certainly faster than what I'd be comfortable with even if I felt that I "knew" he was the one. The honeymoon phase with my bf lasted for 3 years. And then things became incredibly difficult. Things are now getting better again. But I think that the OP, or anyone for that matter, who chooses to marry when only knowing someone for a year, obviously feels comfortable enough to do so, so that is all that matters.

Something to think about:

 

The divorce rate for people aged 25 to 29 years old is 16.4%for women and 22.3% for men.

The divorce rate for 20 to 24 years old 36.6% for women 38.8% for men.

The divorce rate for 30 to 34 years old 8.5% for women 11.6% for men

The divorce rate for 35 to 39 years old 5.1% for women 6.5% for men.

 

Apparently "25" does have some bearing on the likelihood of divorce. Which doesn't make 25 a magical number, but does imply that being 25 or older secures the chance that divorce is not as likely to happen. Why that is--still not sure, but obviously if you look at this, the HIGHEST rate of divorce happens between 20-24. Not under 20, not above 25, it's during the 20-24 period that divorce is more likely to happen. So is waiting two more years critical? Maybe, maybe not. But if we're going strictly by the statistics then YES it is critical.

I have seen the same statistics. My FH and I say we average out to a 26 year old so we're "in the clear"...in jest, of course, but mostly because without more information, these statistics really don't tell the whole story. My guess would be that most 20-24 year old individuals do not have roots and marriage really does require roots (a secure job, secure housing, secure finances, secure relationships outside of the marriage) which would be much more likely after 25.

I have seen the same statistics. My FH and I say we average out to a 26 year old so we're "in the clear"...in jest, of course, but mostly because without more information, these statistics really don't tell the whole story. My guess would be that most 20-24 year old individuals do not have roots and marriage really does require roots (a secure job, secure housing, secure finances, secure relationships outside of the marriage) which would be much more likely after 25.

I think there are explanations for the stats that I have read before. The roots are important, but I also think that development(personal, emotional, and mental) are just as important to have prior to marriage. But again I think we both are making guesses. I know many young people under 25 that had the roots before marriage and still divorced. I think it's something deeper than that, but I'm not sure what.

Something to think about:

 

The divorce rate for people aged 25 to 29 years old is 16.4%for women and 22.3% for men.

The divorce rate for 20 to 24 years old 36.6% for women 38.8% for men.

The divorce rate for 30 to 34 years old 8.5% for women 11.6% for men

The divorce rate for 35 to 39 years old 5.1% for women 6.5% for men.

Hell I believe you should be in a relationship for at least six or seven years and be in your 30's before getting married. But that is just me. And yeah, if one of my friends was talking about getting married less then one year in I would tell them to slow down no matter what age they are. One year, in my mind, isn't long enough to get past the honey moon stage of things.

 

Sometimes I feel like people rush into marriage because they desperately want validation. They want other people to see how important this relationship is, how real it is. Otherwise why not wait another year? Why the rush? Is the relationship going to dissolve without vows and rings?

Fantastic points. If you really love each other, then being married should not change anything. So why rush it, ending a relationship is much easier than ending a marriage if things don't work out. If you think you'll always love each other, then it shouldn't matter if you wait 20 years to get married. I've thought about marriage in past relationships and later have come to be very happy that I did not get married. It is good to give it some time and really think about it.