This is my first post, but its a long one...please bare with me and any advice will be greatly appreciated.
My ex and I dated for almost 4 years. Its been almost 3 months since we "broke up", but its really been less than that if you count the times we hung out. More like 2 months. We were friends for over 3 years before we actually began dating. For 2 of those years we were best friends and would hang out all the time. I would introduce her to guys, she would introduce me to girls. We knew everything about each other before we dated. I knew about all her past relationships and what went wrong in them. She knew all of mine. Some how we ended up catching feelings for each other and one day after going out, i just grew some balls and went in for a kiss. We kissed it was amazing. We waited about 2 months before we did anything more than kiss, more so cause i wasnt ready and i didnt want to ruin the friendship. After 2 months we began dating.
She told me she loved me first, after about a month. I knew it from the first kiss, but i was always scared to move things too quickly and be rejected. It was smooth sailing after that. We knew everything about each other so it was so easy to talk to her. After about a year and a half of dating we moved in together. We got a place and at first it seemed great. Looking back at it now, maybe it wasnt that great of an idea. Living with her was great though. We were never the type to fight or break up for stupid reasons. Like other people we did have our disagreements about things. We verbally fought, never physically. We also shared responsiblities at the apartment we had. However, because we were both in college still, and i had a better paying job, i paid rent while she paid utilities and food for us. When we went out i would pay for everything.
At one point last year around this time we began having some issues. Just didnt connect at all. Dont really know why. We ended up getting past that. Last January though, she ended up going to Brazil with her family, to visit family as she is Brazilian. She went for almost 3 weeks. We talked everyday on the phone or thru email. We talked about how much we loved each other and how much we missed each other. I was planning a big return for her. When she came back things seemed different. She didnt speak to me the whole car ride home from the airport. She seemed colder. Things werent right. Ever since then things went down hill.
I tried making things right and at times it seemed like we were doing great again. Things went up and down. About 3 months ago at the end of June, after she graduated from college, she sat me down and said we needed to talk. She pretty much said that she wasnt happy, that she didnt see me as husband material and that she didnt see me as being a good father figure for our children if we ever had them. But she did say that she had been in serious relationships since she was 15 (which she was), and she needed time just to find her self and be single. She said to just give her time and she would come back if things were right. I promised to change whatever she didnt like. It wasnt anything crazy, it was just little things that seemed to have added up over the past few months...just stupid little fights and arguments.
i literally did everything i could to change and make things better. However we did end up breaking up. She ended up moving out of our place and back home about a week later. I stayed at the apartment till the lease ended and then moved back with my parents. Ive apologized for it all. I did make the mistake of calling her and texting her alittle too much. I also would send her messages on facebook too much. She was staying in contact with me but only because we had a few bills still together. I also begged her to go on one date with me...she agreed after some convincing, but when we went out on that date she didnt care and she was mean to me and pretty much just did it to get it over with. Since then we have separated all our accounts and the last time i spoke to her was a little over 2 weeks ago only because we finally separated our final bill.
Ive talked to a mutual friend and she has told me that my ex isnt seeing or dating anyone nor is she interested in anyone. Her brother messaged me seeing how i was doing and pretty much told me the same thing when i asked. I did saw some pictures of her and some guy that i know out somewhere being alittle too close, which i asked her friend about and she said that the kid likes her but she has no interest in him.
Last week i wrote her a letter. It was a hand written letter, i expressed all my regrets and i apologized for a few things i thought had helped in breaking us up. I asked to be forgiven, then i asked for her to give us another chance. I ended by saying that my door is open for her and i am keeping a candle lit if she were to come back. Her brother told me that she got it, read it, looked sad, and didnt throw it away. So i dont know if it touched her or not.
What ive done recently (about 2 days ago) is blocked her from viewing anything on my facebook page. I just cant get the motivation enough to delete her as a friend. Plus my curiosity still kills me and i do want to know what she is doing. I dont want to be a stalker, and i havent. Just check her page out once a day or so. Its getting less and less with each passing day, but the curiosity is still there. Was this a good move? Blocking her from seeing my wall and pictures? should i completely defriend her?
Also im holding out hope that she will contact me. Ive stopped all contact other than that letter a week ago. Should i just continue to wait and see if she contacts me? I am trying to move on and trying to get her off the pedestal. Im continuing to make myself better, not just for her anymore but also for myself. Im going out with friends, hanging with family, meeting new women. I have my good days, then i have my bad days. I wake up depressed or go to sleep wishing she was there. She was my best friend and i really really am holding onto hope, is there anything i can do? how long should i wait? will she ever come back?
any more details ill be happy to explain.