Dating, Social Anxiety, and Independence

Hello, everyone.

I posted a little while back about returning to school after being out for a long time, crippled by my social anxiety for five years. It was a little rough in the beginning, but I'm hanging in there.

I'm trying to build a life for myself now. I just try to take things one day at a time.

One of the big goals for myself in the next year or so is to become more independent. I still live with my parents, who I have relied upon while essentially paralyzed by anxiety and depression, and I am eternally grateful for that. Now I'm looking forward to building some kind of a life, independent and self-reliant. So I want to get my own place perhaps sometime in the next year.

It's going to be hard, though, since my job search hasn't been going very well. But hopefully something will come along.

But another difficulty is the fact that, like I often do, I get lonely and think about companionship. I constantly tell myself, at least in the back of my mind, that I should forget about such things as dating and girls, and focus exclusively on improving myself and my life. I'm back in school, I'm hoping to get my own place, and I'm still dealing with my social anxiety issues. But I still notice women, and think about companionship and relationships, which I've never had.

Lately, I've noticed one girl in one of my classes. We've talked a bit, although sometimes I think I seem awkward because I get nervous. She's smart and has a lot of goals. But whenever I think about, say, asking her out, I can't help but get a little depressed: how could I ask her out? I don't own a car; I still live with my parents; I still lack the independence I'm trying to build for myself.

I guess I could conclude that I'm just not ready for dating at this point in my life, which may be the case. But it's hard to keep my mind from dwelling on my lack of any companionship from time to time.

I wish I could ask that girl out or something, like other people my age do all the time. But with where I am in my life right now, I don't know if that's something I could do -- dating, I mean.

Any suggestions or words of advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

You don't have to own a car to date. You don't have to live on your own to date. I've dated 4 different girls (one of them was a serious relationship) and still live with my parents, and recently graduated from college. If a girl likes you for who you are, then none of that should have much bearing. When you are in school, plenty of students live at home, too. Just because you date doesn't mean it has to be serious. Just enjoy getting to know people, not just girls. Focus on what is important, though. I didn't date until my senior year. It's fine, I mean, most people I know opened up a lot during college (myself included)... sometimes rapidly.

Always be on your s**t, learn to love yourself and have your priorities in order. "Advertise" what you are most proud of and what allows you to be confident, so that you don't feel like you have to let others know what you feel is your weakness. No one is perfect.

I'm at the same point in my life, although I'm living on my own (with my mom's financial help.)

The truth is that, you never really get over the loneliness. But you can learn to adapt. And honestly, you're right...you (and I) are not in the right place to date girls...however, the truth is that you CAN beat social anxiety, and if you do, then you're golden.

I just went to a packed concert by myself yesterday. All the time, I was freaking out, because I was surrounded by people, and I felt claustrophobic. That being said, once the band came on (and Muse is my favorite band, along with Porcupine Tree), I forgot about my social anxiety and focused on the band. And I ended up enjoying myself.

If I can do that, walk into a strange theater I've never been in before, when I have a severe crowd phobia, you can ask out girls. And so can I. All it takes is some confidence, and the reassurance that a rejection isn't the end of the world.

rejection isn't the end of the world.

^^ this

But i will note that, imo u cant have a solid, lasting relationship if your not solid, happy, and on your own 2 feet.

i dont mean u have your own place, and lots of money. i lived at home made $8 an hour, had a car and a gf. but i did have a job, and a car, and i was perfectly happy alone. sure i wanted companionship but i didnt need it to be happy. u cant rely on companionship to make you happy, if u do, it probably wont turn out well.

after i got a car and a reliable job, bam i got a gf. i didnt ask her out, or flirt, she just came along and asked me out. it will come together, just focus on you for now.

what good is companionship if your afraid to talk to her

just my opinion

I'm also still living at home, due to the same issues. Don't have a solid job either, having difficulty there. So for what seems like forever now, I've just been scraping money together by gigging (though I'm grateful to be part of such a great band). It's not sufficiant though, as it stands income wise. Main thing though I suppose is, I enjoy doing it and would love to really move forward in the music business and make a stable career out of it. That's my ultimate goal there. I just can't stand the thought of doing something I hate for the best part of my life.

Anyway so I guess what I'm saying is, if your following what you truly want to do career wise then that's the most important thing. You'll get there eventually. When you do, then I would think the other aspects like dating will naturally happen.

Thanks to everyone's replies. I really appreciate it.

Just wanted to update on this.

Over the last month, I've made a few attempts to talk to the girl in my class. But I got the feeling she's not interested, so I backed off.

Sometimes I think the only way it will happen is if a girl goes after me. But I generally don't attract women, for whatever reason.

Oh well.

Hey John, I just wanted to say that I think what you're doing is really great - when you have anxiety and depression it takes courage to stick your head out of the cave and improve your life. It's very easy to live in the safe zone no matter how unhappy it makes you so I really applaud you for that and am sure that you'll love how your life becomes the more you put into it.

I think your love life and living situation will improve with time the more confident that you become in what you're creating, just keep on trucking! As others have said, it's who you are that will be important to a girl, not whether you're living on your own or have a car. I live back at home at the moment as well but am looking to go back to school to see if I can afford to move out and live a better life, so I understand where you're coming from.

Personally it wouldn't matter to me if a guy lived at home or not, but I understand why you feel it reflects on you as the social norm is for people to move out and be independent, I have the same concerns myself and am reluctant to tell people that I'm still at home despite that I do believe with the right person it wouldn't matter. I do sometimes wonder whether the real reason I worry about this is my anxiety rather than whether I think it's a real reason to avoid dating. Hmmm! Anxiety has a way of masquerading as something else!

Anyhoo, I wish you all the luck in the world and think what you're doing is fantastic! xx

Continue to go for it!!! Please DO NOT STOP just bcuz it didn't work with one girl!!!

As you get older (late 20's to 30) it gets MUCH harder..toovercome your fears will seem almost impossible as you get older and for some it is!!!!!! Also, the supply of single, never married women will not be there as readily or possibly not at all. My brother (and cousin) are both painfully shy and awkward with women and are in their early 30's and experiencing this still and its not easy!!!!! They both wish they had done more when they were younger and fought through..not made TOO MANY excuses as some people do.

SO DON'T GIVE UP!!!!! If a girl likes you she won't care that you live with your mom still, you are still young and getting a career underway does take time...for some a bit longer then others.

Pay attention when you are around girls..look for signs; a hello, a smile, if she asks you a question and then TALK TO HER you won't get anywhere by using lifes struggles as your reasons for not getting what you want; a girl, a job. etc. Just keep trying!!!!! Change your mindset..i know easier said then done but nothing will come your way if you don't!

I think the bigger issue is how you feel about yourself. Once you feel right in your mind (positive thinking) and know you can have all these things (take proper action--sounds like you are doing that with school) your ''world'' tends to fall into place! But it does take work..and preserverance.

It won't just magically happen. If women do not come to you..then you go to them! Just like a job..you have to fill out an application, give them a resume, interview, etc. put yourself out there before you can EVER get your foot in the door.

Women are no different

For many men it certainly can be harder to get over social anxiety as you get older but everyone is different.I have a friend who didn't date at all until he was close to 40.He is now happily married with two kids.He credits the change partially to a change in environment.He moved to Japan for work and just found the Japanese culture much more conducive to meeting women .Through his work he was able to socialize with women daily and they were finally able to see what a great guy he really is.Through this exposure he came to the realization that yes women would be interested in him and yes women would want to talk to him.He has fair skin and blonde hair and he claims many Japanese women love that look.Could he have changed his fate had he stayed in North America?Yes,but in my opinion he would have had to do things differently such as give up the bar scene which was getting him nowhere.He is not the type who could approach a woman cold and ask her out[most shy men can't do that so they should forget about that kind of approach] but by moving to Japan ,he didn't have to.

Thank you for the encouraging words, Purusha and shygal. I'm really at the point right now where I'm trying not to think about girls and dating. As much as I long for companionship, I'm just not ready for it, I guess.

Interesting story, bruinsy. A change in environment might not be possible for me right at the moment, but maybe that's something I can think about. Thanks.

Hey John, I can relate to your situation as well. I wouldn't let you idea of what your life is like interfere with asking a girl on a date, however... just ask her if you like her, and if she says no there are a ton of other girls in the world... if you think you need to get over SA more first before you can take rejection without being personally affected too much, then take the time to do that though, don't overwhelm yourself, just go step by step but don't let your mindset hold you back! This site: link removed, helped me a ton in getting over social anxiety.

I wish you the best of luck.