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Thread: 35 years old. Never married. No kids. Feeling so out of faith and alone

  1. #21
    Member Pirouette's Avatar
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    Change, you're not alone. I'm 32, and I feel the same way sometimes. The funny thing is, I get the feeling some married women (w/kids) are jealous of me and all the time I have to pursue my goals and interests--and I have A LOT of them! LOL. Sometimes I'm jealous of my best friend, who although is divorced, has four great kids (and one on the way). I think to myself, she's not married, but at least she has some company. She revealed to me that, yes, she has her children, but she's still lonely for companionship, and she envies me because of all the things I get a chance to do as a single woman w/o the responsibilities of a child or husband.

    I have another friend who is remarried with three kids who at times I feel envies me because I am single and able to pursue my dreams. She has lots of goals and dreams too, but family life takes priority and puts a damper on those personal goals. I know she loves her husband and family, but part of me believes she wishes she had the freedom that I have.

    A 30-year-old coworker has hinted to me more than once that her marriage is not golden. Again, I'm positive she loves her husband, plus she has a child on the way, but from conversation with her, I get the feeling she would kill to be single again.

    I'm just saying all that to say, the grass isn't always greener. I have to remind myself of that as well.

  2. #22
    Member Pirouette's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by change_in_tide
    It's just really hard for me to process sometimes why 97% of people (my own statistic but seems about right) my age have already been married or are married and I am not. I know I am not perfect and have my issues but I'm def. not crazy or incapable of having a relationship (as I've had many long termers) but here I am. I can't help but compare myself to other women who ARE married or who have been married and some of them are REALLY obnoxious people or hugely insecure and yet they were able to find someone to love and accept them.
    I totally feel you on this.

  3. #23
    Member change_in_tide's Avatar
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    I just feel it's really easy for people that are not in situation to give me advice... the people that ARE in my situation that tell me to focus on my happiness well that I can appreciate because I know that those people truly understand and my hat goes off to them for being able to do that very thing. But people that have marriage or kids and don't truly understand but tell me Just be happy, focus on yourself or pursue your passion well that's frustrating to me. No disrespect intended to anyone trying to lift me... it's just a rough time and it's easy to say when you haven't been here. To make matters worse I am having a horrible time coming off an anti-depressant which is making me feel AWFUL, horribly depressed and very negative. I'm going to see my psych. on this today!

    I know it's going to sound very weird and perhaps unhealthy but I feel like my passion was always to have a family and to get married and have kids. I know that may sound pretty lame actually and like I'm living in 1950 or something but it' s true! It sucks because it means I'm dependent on another person to achieve that. As for adopting kids I would do that but there is no way I'd ever be approved as I have credit card debt and do pretty well financially but am not making six figures by any means! It's not like I don't have any interests and don't do things to entertain myself but those interests just don't sustain me. I would further my education and would love to but that requires money which I don't have because of the debt.

    I understand what people are saying when they say that no man is going to want someone who projects misery and I feel the same. I'm very put off by men like that. However I know I do not come off as a negatron at all. I know people I work with and in life in general would never say that about me as I am very friendly and kind always trying to put a smile on others faces in spite of my own dark thoughts. I am the kind of person people want to be around to make THEM feel better. What I'm saying is I don't think I would ever repel anyone because I seem miserable and downtrodden. I am come off very silly and fun and friendly. I think if someone found my posts and figured out who I am they'd be really surprised at how I'm really feeling.

  4. #24
    Member change_in_tide's Avatar
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    Again I truly appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts... I realize I may be coming off as ungrateful and miserable. Well....then again I am miserable. lol. It helps to see there are other single fabulous women in their 30's out there or 40's who can relate.

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  6. #25
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    I know! I want so badly to have a family of some sort. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want relationships that end after 3 or 4 years. I was doing ok with all this for a while. Now I feel just like you. My eyes are all still all puffy from crying so much last night. I've spent months trying to distract myself with working out and seeing a psychiatrist, reading, learning, dating. I felt better, and now this sadness hit me hard. I enjoyed my alone time for a while. I don't want to live alone anymore. I'm lonely. I've been feeling like this for a few days. I hope this passes soon. I am so emotionally messed up that I'm making myself physically sick.

  7. #26
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    Change the way you look at yourself. You are sending off smoke signals saying you are desperate and you want a hubby now and you want kids 10min ago.
    A man can see those signals from miles away and they will not want you for the long term because of it. They will only get what they can, then leave you.
    I sent you an email, but just have to relax. You are only 35. Yes I said only. You have so much time to find someone and have a family still. Just because your friends are married, doesnt mean they are happy. You dont have to argure with anyone, have someone to tell you what to wear or not wear, be home by a certain time, question you to where you have been. I bet your friends envy your freedom, but you are missing what they have in a companionship.
    Youll find someone in due time. But quit sending out the smoke signals. You have to make yourself happy first, then youll have guys coming to you and asking you why you are so happy, then from there, you can decide weather or not they are worthy to be in your life.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DreamerGirl27
    please...for the love of GOD...don't go gaga over a guy right away, even if you ARE gaga over him. I did that...BIG MISTAKE on my part! lol Hopefully the next one that comes along I'll be a little smarter (and slower) with. Kind of odd that it was the female in the situation trying to rush things, huh? haha
    This hit home as I met the guy I thought was "the one" three years ago. I was living with someone else and had been unhappy for a long time, trying to figure out a way to end the relationship. I knew I had to leave when I met "the one". I hadn't dated in 6 years and I was "gaga". I blew it. Yeah, it takes two and all that but I really feel that I blew it. By going too fast, then expecting too much too soon. Ugh, I still haven't completely forgiven myself. Some have consoled me that he's a player, always finds faults with the women he is with (true, he is currently single) and he would have dumped me no matter what I did, but I do feel that he really liked me in the beginning, we have tons in common, had an incredible connection and had things gone slower, and I was in a better frame of mind (not freshly out of a long term relationship) that it would not have blown up in my face. The fact that we work together has made it very, very difficult.

    So, this very good advice. Even if you've been alone for a long time, we women have to be cautious and go slooowly as men can be scared off very easily. Don't ever make a guy the center of your life, even in the beginning when you are really excited and can't wait for his call or when you are going to see him again. This is a mistake. NEVER chase the guy you really like, or be too available, or change your plans for him. It's hard to do when you're crazy about someone but it is KEY.

    By the way, I'm a 49 year old female, never married. I have had a lot of guys interested in me recently but none of them do it for me. I'm hopeful I'll get a chance with someone I AM interested in but I also know that I CAN be alone and it's not so bad - way worse things have happened to people.

    So please enjoy your relative youth and your singletude. There are TONS of single people now, male and female (especially near urban centers, where I live) from your age on up and there is NOTHING wrong with it. Look at the divorce rate. Marriage is no walk in the park, from what I hear. Many married people are jealous of my freedom and lifestyle. There are pros and cons to everything. If you are genuinely able to entertain yourself and do the things that you enjoy, you will live a much happier life...

  9. #28
    Member change_in_tide's Avatar
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    No.1 thanks for your PM, I have not read it yet but I will. Before I do I want to say that I really don't think I'm giving off the vibe you think I'm giving off. I mean my last serious relationship ended after 2 years but he was the one pushing for forever and I was the one telling him to slow down. He was three and a half years younger than me too. At 8 months he wanted to propose and move in together and I said no, let's wait at least a year and that's when things started going downhill honestly. at a year and 3 months I said ok on moving in and looking at rings, even though we were having some problems and then things got worse. Honestly he was still being a jerk but was the one who wanted to stay and work it out (on his terms) and I did not because of how he was acting. Does that make me sound to you like someone who is projecting the I am desperate to get married and have kids vibe? I think it sounds the opposite. I think it sounds like I want to get married and have kids but I'm not going to tolerate bad behavior and I am not afraid to take the risk and go back out there again.

    Of course now that I AM back out there you fine people get to hear how I'm actually feeling and my deepest fears. I think I was really brave to do what I did but am suffering regardless. If I was the desperate to get married and have kids type I would have stayed with him and accepted mistreatement or I would have just married my college boyfriend but I turned him down. I have an ex that is trying to get me back that I'm sure I could also marry. I am SELECTIVE but I am FRUSTRATED. I think it means something that I have put my dream on hold and have not settled to find the RIGHT PERSON despite knowing that every time I leave a relationship it could very well be my last chance at achieving what I really want.

    What's ironic is I have two ex boyfriends who I loved very much at the time that took me for granted that I am completely over and who will both not leave me alone!! I broke up with one 6 years ago and the other 2.5 years ago. I DO FEEL like there is a grain in truth to what you are saying No. 1 though about scaring off men by making them too important as Rapunzel said here:

    Even if you've been alone for a long time, we women have to be cautious and go slooowly as men can be scared off very easily. Don't ever make a guy the center of your life, even in the beginning when you are really excited and can't wait for his call or when you are going to see him again. This is a mistake. NEVER chase the guy you really like, or be too available, or change your plans for him. It's hard to do when you're crazy about someone but it is KEY.

    I never act gaga in the beginning, they are the ones that are acting crazy about me wanting to be with me all the time and It takes me awhile to fall BUT when I do fall because they have made me feel safe by having strong feelings toward me I think I do start making them the center of my life. I think I DO make myself to available and do too much for them and end up being taken for granted or mistreated as a result. And in a way perhaps they do feel like I've become too reliant on them and they start neglecting me. Once I end things though and disappear and move on they are trying desperately to get me back as if they can finally see that I am not the dependent person they thought I was that would always be there for them no matter what? I'm not saying I completely neglect my life but when I do love someone I do end up putting them first and being available to them over time

  10. #29
    Member change_in_tide's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by incaangelique
    I know! I want so badly to have a family of some sort. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want relationships that end after 3 or 4 years. I was doing ok with all this for a while. Now I feel just like you. My eyes are all still all puffy from crying so much last night. I've spent months trying to distract myself with working out and seeing a psychiatrist, reading, learning, dating. I felt better, and now this sadness hit me hard. I enjoyed my alone time for a while. I don't want to live alone anymore. I'm lonely. I've been feeling like this for a few days. I hope this passes soon. I am so emotionally messed up that I'm making myself physically sick.
    I feel so bad for you because I so understand I just went and got some mediation... xanax and prozac. I am hoping this well help with my withdrawal from the other anti depressant which is making me feel truly horribly hopeless. I cried myself to sleep last night. It's so hard to go to work or see my family and put a smile on my face when I feel so sick inside and am so scared about my future. God I so want to retrain my thoughts to NOT WORRY ABOUT THESE THINGS. Perhaps some medication on anxiety would work because it's so hard. I have always been this sensitive/feeling type. Things have always hit me hard even since I was a little girl, I would love to be able to change my thinking!!

    Incaangelique- it sounds like are you doing all the right things... I have been doing them as well... sometimes we have these set backs... I am not always this completely miserable but the FEAR is always there... fear that I'll never get what I always wanted. I am VERY MUCH a person who enjoys my alone time. I'm a total introvert and look for busy guys so that that won't get taken away from me... it's just there is TOO much alone time right now. I am going to try that meetup thing to try to make friends my age. Everyone I work with is YOUNGER or OLDER... it's like the entire 30's generation is totally AWOL at all my jobs... crazy.

  11. #30
    Member change_in_tide's Avatar
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    thanks Pirouette... sometimes I feel like a total freak show though. I used to work with this one woman in NYC, she was so sweet and beautiful, nicely dressed, intelligent and 45 and single. She seemed SO lonely and I felt for her. She had been in like a 10 year relationship that didn't work out and she ended. said she was happier on her own but she seemed so sad. I don't want to end up like that. she told me she didn't even try to meet men anymore. My thoughts are crazy... I know if i was a single mom it would be SOOOOO HARD but at the same time I'd feel like at least I had my kids and I would not feel like I was in a hurry to find someone in order to have some. But that presents it's own set of problems I realize.

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