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35 years old. Never married. No kids. Feeling so out of faith and alone


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I am having SEVERE ANXIETY because I am 35 years old and still unmarried with no kids. I find myself envious of married people even divorced and/or single moms who at least were able to have kids even if their marriage did not work. I feel HORRIBLE and alone.

 

I don't understand how I am in this situation. I am an attractive person who I have been told looks 25 not 35. I am fit, smart, kind, fun, loving. I have a good job and am independent and self sufficient. I have had many 2 year relationships that just did not work out. My last two relationships were unhealthy, one with a narcissist and one with a verbally abusive self absorbed man. I am a nice person but I am not a doormat either.

 

I feel like I am dying inside. I am so horribly sad and don't understand why i can't find what everyone around me has already found. I have tried to stay positive and I have never settled in my relationships. I have always recognized when they were not good and gotten out. I don't want to be the type to be whining and feeling sorry for myself but I don't know how to stop. It just seems so unfair to be such a good kind person and get screwed.

 

I just don't know how to feel better. I do everything I'm supposed to do. I keep in shape, go to therapy, work hard at my job, spend time with my friends and family.

 

I am on the online dating sites and they are just horrible. link removed has a bunch of either angry unattractive men who can't spell or lazy guys who only want to talk about themselves and not ask me any questions. I am so frustrated

 

and it is so hard socially. All of my friends are married. The few single women I meet are negative, bitter and depressing. I don't want to become like them! I feel like a total outcast. I am starting to think there is something so horribly wrong w/me that I find myself alone at this age. Especially since all I ever wanted from the time I can remember was to have my own family one day. I was never obsessed w/money or career, just wanted to have a husband and children to love. I am angry like I will be deprived of that.

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Some get to it later in life whereas some do it while they're young, unfortunately some don't get to do it at all. I'm not going to repeat all the tired cliches' that are stressed to people like you and me that, "Just don't get it," but I will say that, you're not out of the game yet until you put yourself out.

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I am around your age, am a guy and going through the same thing and feel the exact same way. Just got out of a relationship I for sure thought would be the one but she turned out to be quite the narcissist and I find myself back to square one. One thing I won't do is do the online thing...plenty of dysfunctional people out in the real world rather than searching for them online. If you can, try to do activities or join groups where you can find like minded people. I completely understand where you are coming from.

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Hey I'm sunday2010 i live in Australia.I am going tgrough what YOU are going through!! All the same things .Try being me 36yrs old lost a relationship 5 months ago (a 3 yr 10 mnth relationship mind you) that I thought we could make it.NO i hav enever heard form him again.We had finally moved in and in 6 months it was over.I feel all of what you're feeling I'm panicking and its a pretty difficut I have treid online dating from day dot I was broken up with in May this year.And I knew that it wa gonna be an uphill battle to find a partner and 5 months later I'm still here looking...Its not pretty you are so right... I'm getting people sending messages that are 54 yrsd old I'm not interested..nobody decent and alot playing games and wasting time.

 

I got told by a paid introduction agency that once you're over 35 it gets harder gee thanks for that enlightening info and for your encouragement.I'm being sarcastic... but look I know exactly what you're going through.. I'm right ethere with you going through the same thing.No marriage no kids I feel lost Its hideous...this isn't how it shouldl be

I'v ebeen on 17 dates since may off online moaned to my friends joined "meetup" groups in my city NOTHING in 5 months

 

to be honest bruinsy81 I would rather be in a * * * * relationship than not be in one... its that BAD being SINGLE 35 or over and female...

 

to the Op I can't giv eyou anything about this I know your fears and I am going through it.Olus trying to get over the cad who dumped me..of course he didn't care he was male and 32 not worrying about having kids...and hooked up with somebody new.

 

go figure .. I'm agood person too and this is what is going on...online is a disaster prob only works for 20 sumthings.My ex dumps me knowing my fear of being over 35 and not having someone and walks over to the new chic.

 

i don;t want to be negative but i know what you are feeling you can PM me if you want.. cause I can relate to you!!!

 

i've joined groups too only met women.....what groups do you join so you meet decent men...????

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I was 35 and unmarried with no kids. Now I am 39 and unmarried with no kids, although I do have a boyfriend. If someone asked me what I could change about the last four years, I wouldn't say that I wish I had gotten married and had kids. I would say that I wish I hadn't stressed out about it so much, and suffered so much anxiety and depression over it. It's a shame how much valuable time I wasted feeling lousy. The fact is, once I finally relaxed and became more grateful about what I had/have instead of obsessing about what I didn't have or what everyone else seemingly had, life got much better.

 

In terms of practical advice, you just have to make sure that you are being true to yourself. If you aren't meeting anyone who you want to date, then you need to change your strategy. For me that meant leaving an urban environment to pursue a life where I would find guys with similar interests. I also became a lot more open about friendships. The more people you know, the more people you will come in contact with to date. While it was nice that I had a core group of long-time friends, it never hurts to try something new with new people.

 

Make a list of all the things you would do if all your time was your own. Even if they seem crazy, list them. And then do them, because your time is all your own right now, and it might not be that way forever. Enjoy it. You still have quite a few years to have marriage and a family. Maybe it won't go exactly how you planned in your head, but so what? Be open to possibilities.

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Change, you're a single man's dream. Never married, no kids, fit, intelligent. What's wrong with the men on Match? Are they stupid?

 

All the dating sites suck. My ex is on okcupid, so that's not safe. And eharmony? I'm in Seattle. I wanted men in my area only. I was being matched with men from Alberta. Canada!? Then my ex actually showed up in my compatable matches box. What's the criteria? I have a vagina, all men have a penis - they're compatible?

 

Have you thought about going to sporting events? Lots of single men there and very few single women. That's my new plan. I have to figure out if I want to pretend to enjoy hockey or football.

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THIS. Is such good advice! I am trying to get to that point and I pretty much am at that point, but when a guy walks into my life that I like who doesn't like me back, I get all depressed again. But...I have decided to not care. Or at least play it off like I don't. I have gotten a lot more relaxed. I know what I want/am looking for and when I find it, I find it. But I am REALLY trying to just enjoy the life that I have, everything I have in it and all the people in it INCLUDING the boy who doesn't like me. Yes, it breaks my heart and hurts, but I REALLY enjoy him as a person and appreciate his friendship. I don't know if I'll ever not want more...but hey...you can never have too many friends, right? and I don't have many

 

So...this is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. See the glass as half full, instead of half empty, and stop being so sensitive and getting so worked up over things. Just go with the flow and let life happen as it happens. Whatever is meant to be will be...'course people can decide to change things or change their minds and that can change the future (got that from Twilight lol, just watched the first one for the FIRST time!!) lmao

 

but anyway...yeah...I'll stop rambling. I tend to do that. lol

 

Just live life. Be happy. Enjoy yourself, do things that interest you and let everything else fall into place and please...for the love of GOD...don't go gaga over a guy right away, even if you ARE gaga over him. I did that...BIG MISTAKE on my part! lol Hopefully the next one that comes along I'll be a little smarter (and slower) with. Kind of odd that it was the female in the situation trying to rush things, huh? haha

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thanks everyone... for the support and for the food for thought. It truly does help to know that there are other people my age and older or maybe even younger that are feeling this way.

 

It's just really awful. I have a couple people interested in me at work and people i have known from years ago that I am just NOT attracted that are bugging me and I feel like people in my life are just telling me to just settle and just be with them or something because they just want me to be with someone. I have an ex boyfriend from 6 years ago that's trying to get back with me and people are just like go back with him. he loves you. he's a good guy. but it didn't work for a reason!

 

I just feel this horrible pressure from people to just be with whoever likes me or something like I don't have many options. It totally sucks!

 

I am not looking for a model or anything but dear god I need to be SOMEWHAT attracted to whoever I am going to date!

 

The bad thing about these dating sites is everyone seems out looking for the next best thing. People's attention span is so short. I am on eharmony too and that seems like a better idea... because if you go through that whole thing with answering all the questions and everything you know they are serious about finding someone decent. But I have not had any luck with any of them yet. I did just get back into the online dating but it's been a week and I am sort of horrified already. I wish I could just approach guys when I am out or whatever but I am not bold like that... once I am talking to someone I am fine but not good at approaching myself. I also don't think I am very approachable... I'm just not the type of person to smile at strangers although I wish I could. I'm actually pretty shy at first but once I'm talking to someone or introduced I'm very friendly.

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Change, you're a single man's dream. Never married, no kids, fit, intelligent. What's wrong with the men on Match? Are they stupid?

 

YES I GUESS SO!!! I know... right?

 

Have you thought about going to sporting events? Lots of single men there and very few single women. That's my new plan. I have to figure out if I want to pretend to enjoy hockey or football.

 

LOL... that's a good idea

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I WISH I could be happy... but I'm just so tired of it NEVER working out!! I TRY to stay positive but I've been dating for like 20 years essentially!!! with NO HAPPY ENDING?? it's just heartbreaking

 

Honestly, I didn't think this for a long time, but happiness is somewhat of a choice. Don't just wish you could be happy- you can- but you have to stop telling yourself the same story over and over (that it's heartbreaking, unfair, etc.) or else you will just be a victimized person. You can't say there's no happy ending because nothing is over yet. Believe me when I tell you this, because I lived it. The same age, same feelings, same emotional panic. Until I chilled out and started realizing how good my life was and how much better it could be, I was miserable. You have to get a grip and decide you are going to be positive, and strong, and live your life like you might die tomorrow. Be the person other people envy. Change the things you don't like right now.

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I've been feeling the same way. I looked up an old high school friend on facebook and actually found out she got married and had a kid. I felt bad, because this friend and me were like the outcasts in school. She was very awkward and shy with guys, but she managed to find someone. Here I am still single and playing the dating game. One of my dreams is to have kids, and I'm getting older. I have considered adopting if it gets too late to have my own, I'm not sure if it's harder to adopt as a single parent. If I don't have kids maybe I'll put my focus into helping animals or something.

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It's just really hard for me to process sometimes why 97% of people (my own statistic but seems about right) my age have already been married or are married and I am not. I know I am not perfect and have my issues but I'm def. not crazy or incapable of having a relationship (as I've had many long termers) but here I am. I can't help but compare myself to other women who ARE married or who have been married and some of them are REALLY obnoxious people or hugely insecure and yet they were able to find someone to love and accept them.

 

I have figured out that my TYPE does not work out and perhaps this was some sort of self sabotage on my part but I am repelled by needy emotional people and drawn to busy distant types. I know part of that is due to my fear of truly getting close to someone but I think the real reason I do it is because growing up I had a very emotionally needy mother who was very dependent on me and I can NEVER deal with that again especially not with a partner. I feel like I've been taking care of myself or others my entire life and I'm so tired. I just want someone to take care of me at once at least a LITTLE. It's not like I wouldn't take care of them back... just don't want them to suffocate me nor ignore me. I cannot find a balance with someone. I tend to find busy men who do not realize what they had until I am gone. and then again as in this last case maybe never.

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Honestly, I didn't think this for a long time, but happiness is somewhat of a choice. Don't just wish you could be happy- you can- but you have to stop telling yourself the same story over and over (that it's heartbreaking, unfair, etc.) or else you will just be a victimized person. You can't say there's no happy ending because nothing is over yet. Believe me when I tell you this, because I lived it. The same age, same feelings, same emotional panic. Until I chilled out and started realizing how good my life was and how much better it could be, I was miserable. You have to get a grip and decide you are going to be positive, and strong, and live your life like you might die tomorrow. Be the person other people envy. Change the things you don't like right now.

 

This. This advice is spot on. You really do have a choice about what you make of your life. I am 29 and single. After my long term relationship broke up I wallowed for awhile. I thought I was going to end up alone and miserable, and that I was destined to be unhappy. Now I realize that there are NEVER guarantees with love, so in the end you have to do things to make yourself happy. Go out and find something that you are passionate about and can feel excitement about. Not a man, but something you enjoy. The truth is, love is grand when it is here, and I really hope to find it again, but it may not last - the only relationship that is guaranteed is the one with yourself, so I plan on making the most of it

 

I've been feeling the same way. I looked up an old high school friend on facebook and actually found out she got married and had a kid. I felt bad, because this friend and me were like the outcasts in school. She was very awkward and shy with guys, but she managed to find someone. Here I am still single and playing the dating game. One of my dreams is to have kids, and I'm getting older. I have considered adopting if it gets too late to have my own, I'm not sure if it's harder to adopt as a single parent. If I don't have kids maybe I'll put my focus into helping animals or something.

 

And in the meantime....instead of feeling down and out about where you are in your life, what is preventing you from doing some of this now? If you have those feelings of wanting to help, why not do it now instead of holding off and waiting in the future, wasting time, and then possibly looking back and saying where did the time go that you could have spent doing something productive, rather than just holding out for a dream?

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I'm 35, never married, no kids. Many long relationships that didn't work out for various reasons. An ex that I stayed friends with girlfriend's baby is due next month, and he's going to be moving away from here. I spent time with him tonight, and I can not stop crying now. He's moving at the end of the week. This has made me start missing my most recent ex too, (who dumped me in March). I thought I was finally over him. I'd been feeling better for at least two months. Tonight I am crying for both of my last two exes. I just feel sick . . .

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Honestly, I didn't think this for a long time, but happiness is somewhat of a choice. Don't just wish you could be happy- you can- but you have to stop telling yourself the same story over and over (that it's heartbreaking, unfair, etc.) or else you will just be a victimized person. You can't say there's no happy ending because nothing is over yet. [...]

 

I agree. I'd just strengthen 'happiness is somewhat of a choice' with 'happiness is a decision'.

 

This doesn't mean that a great relationship can't be a goal, it just means that you can either strive to meet your goals happily or you can sabotage your goal by perpetuating misery. Bullet is exactly right by describing this choice as the stories you choose to tell yourself.

 

There are no wonderful and healthy men seeking a terrific but miserable woman. If you believe that the only thing that can make you happy is a relationship, then you're holding your own happiness hostage to be rescued by another. But could you possibly be attracted to someone so warped that he'd want to find someone who is miserable so he can cast himself as her therapeutic hero?

 

Our predisposition toward happiness or misery isn't cast in stone or genetics or circumstances--it's a deliberate choice. It becomes a habit like anything else, positive or negative. It's a decision each morning upon waking. It's a training of the mind.

 

You're in great physical shape because you've trained yourself to go there. Do the same with your mental focus on happiness and optimism. Change every instance of using the word "can't" to "won't" for a more accurate picture, and make the committed decision to build your emotional gratitude and resiliency in the same manner you've built your body and any other strength you've attained.

 

While nobody can guarantee you a good mate, it's reasonable to assume that a good mate is looking for someone who knows how to be happy. Learn that on your own so the mate can be your icing--and he'll recognize you when he sees you.

 

In your corner.

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Change, you're not alone. I'm 32, and I feel the same way sometimes. The funny thing is, I get the feeling some married women (w/kids) are jealous of me and all the time I have to pursue my goals and interests--and I have A LOT of them! LOL. Sometimes I'm jealous of my best friend, who although is divorced, has four great kids (and one on the way). I think to myself, she's not married, but at least she has some company. She revealed to me that, yes, she has her children, but she's still lonely for companionship, and she envies me because of all the things I get a chance to do as a single woman w/o the responsibilities of a child or husband.

 

I have another friend who is remarried with three kids who at times I feel envies me because I am single and able to pursue my dreams. She has lots of goals and dreams too, but family life takes priority and puts a damper on those personal goals. I know she loves her husband and family, but part of me believes she wishes she had the freedom that I have.

 

A 30-year-old coworker has hinted to me more than once that her marriage is not golden. Again, I'm positive she loves her husband, plus she has a child on the way, but from conversation with her, I get the feeling she would kill to be single again.

 

I'm just saying all that to say, the grass isn't always greener. I have to remind myself of that as well.

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It's just really hard for me to process sometimes why 97% of people (my own statistic but seems about right) my age have already been married or are married and I am not. I know I am not perfect and have my issues but I'm def. not crazy or incapable of having a relationship (as I've had many long termers) but here I am. I can't help but compare myself to other women who ARE married or who have been married and some of them are REALLY obnoxious people or hugely insecure and yet they were able to find someone to love and accept them.

 

I totally feel you on this.

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I just feel it's really easy for people that are not in situation to give me advice... the people that ARE in my situation that tell me to focus on my happiness well that I can appreciate because I know that those people truly understand and my hat goes off to them for being able to do that very thing. But people that have marriage or kids and don't truly understand but tell me Just be happy, focus on yourself or pursue your passion well that's frustrating to me. No disrespect intended to anyone trying to lift me... it's just a rough time and it's easy to say when you haven't been here. To make matters worse I am having a horrible time coming off an anti-depressant which is making me feel AWFUL, horribly depressed and very negative. I'm going to see my psych. on this today!

 

I know it's going to sound very weird and perhaps unhealthy but I feel like my passion was always to have a family and to get married and have kids. I know that may sound pretty lame actually and like I'm living in 1950 or something but it' s true! It sucks because it means I'm dependent on another person to achieve that. As for adopting kids I would do that but there is no way I'd ever be approved as I have credit card debt and do pretty well financially but am not making six figures by any means! It's not like I don't have any interests and don't do things to entertain myself but those interests just don't sustain me. I would further my education and would love to but that requires money which I don't have because of the debt.

 

I understand what people are saying when they say that no man is going to want someone who projects misery and I feel the same. I'm very put off by men like that. However I know I do not come off as a negatron at all. I know people I work with and in life in general would never say that about me as I am very friendly and kind always trying to put a smile on others faces in spite of my own dark thoughts. I am the kind of person people want to be around to make THEM feel better. What I'm saying is I don't think I would ever repel anyone because I seem miserable and downtrodden. I am come off very silly and fun and friendly. I think if someone found my posts and figured out who I am they'd be really surprised at how I'm really feeling.

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I know! I want so badly to have a family of some sort. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want relationships that end after 3 or 4 years. I was doing ok with all this for a while. Now I feel just like you. My eyes are all still all puffy from crying so much last night. I've spent months trying to distract myself with working out and seeing a psychiatrist, reading, learning, dating. I felt better, and now this sadness hit me hard. I enjoyed my alone time for a while. I don't want to live alone anymore. I'm lonely. I've been feeling like this for a few days. I hope this passes soon. I am so emotionally messed up that I'm making myself physically sick.

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