liars

I believe my long-term boyfriend lies to me about little things. Do you think that if he's lying about little things, he is also lying about major things?

I hate lying, my ex started off lying about little things, then MASSIVE things, like having lost his job, gettin into uni, family history, sexual stuff...all sorts. What kind of little things does he lie about?

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of, that little things are really indicative of some kind of problem with honesty.

I'll give you two examples from the past month. One morning, I picked up his phone to search for the phone number to a company on google, just because it was close by and I didn't feel like turning on the computer. He was right next to me when I went to the phone's browser, and the first thing that came up on the screen when I went to the browser was some porn pictures. So I said, "What's this?". And he tried to say that he wasn't looking at it, but that he was at an entertainment site that had those pictures. I was just like, "I don't care if this is what you were looking at, but I'm not an idiot, don't sit there seriously and tell me, lie right to me face, that you did not purposefully click on these images. Total bull." And that was that, he got all quiet and that was that.

Then last night, he told me early in the evening some friends were coming over and that they were just going to have some drinks at home. I was out, and then I called him really late, it was almost 3 (which I never do, I just was feeling bad - we are doing the long distance thing right now, and I just wanted to talk to him, I couldn't sleep). He didn't answer, and I didn't really expect him to. This morning he tells me he and his friends went to a club last night. He says he got home around 2:15. I looked up the club he went to, and it was an after-hours place, open until 4 a.m. Usually those parties don't even get started until past midnight. I seriously doubt he was home when he said he was. I don't know, maybe he was. But it just seems weird that when I called him he didn't answer, and I hardly ever call him at that time.

I know this is petty stuff, but honestly, this is just the past month, and there have been other things in the past. I know he lies because I kind of have a trust issue, he knows I do, and he doesn't want to upset me. But he doesn't know I'd rather him tell me he was at an after-hours - I wouldn't give him a hard time about it, because I know it's my problem, not his. I never lie to him. I guess it's because I never do anything that I feel he would disapprove of.

Since you don't know for sure if he was home or not, you need to have a little faith that he was. Maybe he was asleep, afterall if he was having a few drinks, he very well may have gone home and passed out.

Hmm, I think the porn thing is more like being ashamed so I would let that go. And the club thing, I would really let that go. In my experience clubs really get packed and fun past 11 and then starts to die down around 2-3 as people's night clocks start ticking. He was probably exhausted and passed out sleeping or whatnot.

And consider the fact that you swooping down on him whenever you think he's lying might scare him from speaking the truth, hence making life easier for him to lie a bit. Give him a safer space to be honest. Glaring at him or looking at him with clear distrust in your eyes while telling him it's ok to speak the truth will do the opposite and simply deter him.

I'm trying to have faith. Believe me, I've not made a big deal about things many times over the years. I think that may be why I'm hypersensitive now. Things from the past, never really resolved, because I've just said to myself, "Put it out of your head. Don't say anything, you have no proof, and you don't want to sound crazy". So I keep quiet. But those things never really go away; they just hide until the next time, and then they are compounded, until I don't know what's up anymore. This feeling is so awful. I often ask myself how I can be like this after 10 years of being in a relationship with someone. Why can't I trust?