- Healing after my break-up, Blinded's journal -

Today it has been seven days, a week, since the former love of my life dumped me.

It has been quite a turbulent week, one with many ups and downs (more downs actually), but it seems that today I have been finally seeing some positive things.

Positive thing number one: I realize that I can live without him in a way. All this week, he hasn't been there when I needed him the most, and I realize that I can make it on my own. I'm still scared, however..

Positive thing number two: I now know more then forever that I need NC. My ex has been begging for me to stay friends with him, because he claims that's the best option for us. We have been together for almost two years, and yes, it's true that I know everything about him and vice versa, but no, I won't be his friend. Not for now, at least. It was a very attractive option to me at first, for the only single reason that I wouldn't have the feeling that I've lost him completely. But now I realize it is not. It will only cost me more time to get over him, and with me and him both attending different colleges, the chances of him finding another girl very soon are higher then ever. And I don't want to be the pathethic ex-girlfriend standing by the sideline watching him become happy and blissfull without me...

I still wish I was still 'his' girl, however. I still miss him, his smile, his voice, everything about him. I still dream about him every single night. I hope these feelings will fade soon as the days in NC pass by.. And that I will find a way someday to be happy again.

- Blinded

I felt like writing some more today, it is actually a major relief to do so.

Seems to be my 'good' moment from a few hours ago seems to be vanished into a moment from pain and sorrow. I am this close to

grabbing my cellphone and to send him a text, stating that I miss him, and I still need him.

The most painful thing of our break-up is perhaps the thing that he still loves me. The reason why we broke up was because we had too many fights and arguments, and he couldn't take it anymore. Even though he states everyday that he still loves me and misses me, he doens't want to try again. At least not now, he says. He thinks the best way for us is now to take a step back and perhaps even losing eachother completely, so in one moment of our lives we will meet again and we could fall in love all over again, this time without the fights, without the anger that flickered through our relationship. It does sounds like something I would like to try, but I don't want to get more hurt by his plan. Even though he has said to me he doesn't wants to be in a relationship right now (not with me or any other girl) I'm still terrified that he finds someone else. So I have to get over this. I have to.

Even when I find myself holding on to him so hard, even when I'm clinging on every memory I have about him. We were always together, even with the arguments we had. I was/still am deeply in love with him. I knew the fights were there, but in my opinion they were something we could overcome. I would fight for my relationship. Fight for him.

But he's tired of fighting.. And so he did something what he stated was the most afwul thing to do in his life. He gave me up.

And now I'm here, all alone. I'm scared of the future, scared of the things to come. I want to see him so badly, but I know I will push him away when I can't control my emotions. I'll cry in front of him, and he'll be afraid, which will only feed his idea that this was the right thing to do.

Ugh. This is going to be a long, long night.

Perhaps when he realizes he has really lost me, by NC, he will think this over? I wish there was something that I could hope for.

- Blinded

Feeling a little bit better today. Had a hard time yesterdaynight not contacting him, but I did not give in. I feel very proud of that, lol.

Still having a hard time letting things go. I still think about this, that, almost everything that is a reminder. I also found myself hoping again that we might be together again someday, but I quickly cut that though off. If there is any chance that we could be together, ever again, I need to get over this. And if I get over this, perhaps I could find a new guy who loves me, or perhaps I could be with him again and things would turn out just fine. But for now, healing is the most important thing I need to do. Healinghealinghealinghealinghealing.

And it's funny, because I don't hate him for what he has done to me. Yes, he has dumped me, broke my heart into thousand of little pieces, but no I don't hate him. I can't. Which is such an odd thing to do, isn't it?

- Blinded

Stay strong and happy healing...

Writing can be cathartic, also allows you to see your progress with clarity. I'm sure many people here will be very supportive. Its still a tough period post breakup, you seem to have a lot of strength already. Keep going!

May love be with you.

Thankyou HH, you have no idea what your reply means to me

Anyway, update for today: I have broken NC solely to make him clear that I'm going NC now. So that it will probably be a looong time until he will see me or hear from me again. I called him, stating that I wanted to be alone for ahwile and that he wouldn't hear from me anymore. But his reaction completely stunned me. He started to cry on the telephone, saying things that he didn't want to lose me and that he still loves me and couldn't bear the thought that I would vanish from his life... But yet he still doesn't want a relationship with me, because he says we live too far away from eachother and he would never see me and things wouldn't work out anyway...

I'm so sad, I hate the fact that he still loves me and misses me but that he lets something like a stupid distance come between us .. He says that he wants to have a girlfriend with who he can spend time with.. And it doesn't even is a great distance When I go to his place with the train it's about.. Twenty minutes? I don't think that's a great distance at all ...

But I'm too tired of this, I just know that despites he still loves me he still doesn't want to get together with me. It hurts.

I want him to stop hurting me... Is that so much to ask?

- Blinded

another update:

I did something stupid. I became desperate and got hope. I tried to reason with him about starting over again, trying to convince him. And he backed off, ofcourse. It left with me yet another scar.. And a total NC rebuild.. But this time, I don't feel like contacting him no more. This time, he hurt me so badly that I only have to think of my pain and it's enough to leave my phone in the corner. I don't want to hear, see, or be in contact ever with him again. I'll cry rivers over him, and he does over me, but he doesn't want to be together. I hate him for what he has done to me

I hope I get over this soon. I'm still amazed how much pain I can take in this body of mine. I feel sore, sick and there's a big hole in my chest. I've never been so utterly heartbroken before, I have never felt this feeling ever before. And it does really feel like your heart literally breaks. I never really understood it before, but it's so clear to me now. Your heart can really break. I never knew that..

Ugh. Let the healing begin, all over again.

- Blinded

Hi Blinded, you are welcome.

I have just read your two updates, it appears that you are back to square one after initiating contact. I can see that you are hurting badly, it make sense how you feel so awful after failed attempt trying to bring him to his senses. After reading many post here, you can probably notice that it's very normal reaction on your part, don't be too harsh that you broke NC and didn't get the result you wanted.

You are hurting still, the first and foremost priority is to heal. Even if any possibility of reconciliation is on the card, you cannot expect to walk into a successful get back together when you heart is still broken, with all the unprocessed feelings, any attempt on relationship can prove to be fruitless. Please look after yourself, this is the most vulnerable stage where it is best to grief, let the emotions run through you, let go and heal.

Letting go means letting the emotions and negative feelings go. Let go of the past relationship, say goodbye to something that's broken, let go of the partner who choose to be NOT with you in the future and let go of any thought to gain control over the situation. It's very difficult to do so when you are in contact with your partner. So NC can help you heal quicker.

Once you healed and made new growth, you'll find miracle can happen... till then, happy healing...

It has been two days since the afwul attempt of me of convincing my ex to get back together. I haven't heared anything from him since then, which does not surprise me at all.

I also began to realize that whining in a corner doesn't help. Yes, it sure is relieving to cry a lot, but ... Why should I cry over him? He does not care. He dumped me because he wanted not to be a part of my life anymore, at least not the way I want him.

He does not care. He lives his life, without me, and he's doing perfectly fine. I can do the same thing. I've survived 11 days without him. I don't need him by my side. I can cope. Barely, but I do can cope.

Since I've changed my attitude, I've noticed some chances. I begin to see the light. I know, it's pretty soon to do so, but do keep in mind that I have been dumped by him before, a little more then a month ago. I think I have restarted my healing process and I think I'm doing firmly faster with it now. Actually, I think that when he would be back, and when he would want to get together with me again I would said no. What should I do otherwise? He hurt me twice. He dumped me twice in less then two months. How could I ever be together with this guy? I would never feel safe, I would always be on the lookout. On the lookout for signs that he would dump me. Again. And that I would go trough this stage all over again.

I'm not a toy, someone you can play with. I'm not a gameboy that you can turn off and on and use whenever you feel like. That you can take back whenever you want. I don't want to be abused like that.

This guy dumped me twice, in a very rude way. I should not be crying over him but instead I should be enjoying my life. I should go out, and try to meet new people instead of mourning about this. It's over, I accepted it, and it's time for me to move on. To let him go.

Ofcourse the pain is still real and vivid, but crying over him and whining will not make it fade. Especially when I'm making the decision right now that I don't want him back.

I want someone who is caring, loving and supports me. By leaving me alone (twice) in the moments that I needed him the most he showed that he has none of these traits. That he is exactly the opposite of them.

He does not care about me, or he wouldn't get mad because I said I do not want to be friends with him.

He does not love me, because otherwise he would be right by my side right now.

He is not supporting me, but only pushing me backwards by causing me this much damage.

No, I do not want him back. And I will survive this and get out of this so much stronger and better. I'll make him regret that he dumped me and let me go. And when he returns, with his regrets and his excuses, I will turn around and walk away.

Because I know somewhere out there, there is a guy who has these traits. And who wants to have a relationship with me. Who is wanting to be showered by my love. And unless I don't get over this, and unless I don't reopen my heart and show everybody the capacities of it, there might be a chance that I miss this guy, simply by mourning over something that was already lost.

Yes, I will get over this. I will get over this. I can get over this. Just watch me.