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Thread: I wrote her an apology letter.

  1. #1
    oasisrob22
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    I wrote her an apology letter.

    ...and I feel really good doing it. For those of you that have been following my story up until now, you guys know that I got black-out drunk a few weeks ago and verbally abused my ex-girlfriend.

    I apologized for my actions the next morning over the phone...but to me, it wasn't enough. And I knew that I owed her a sincere apology.

    So I wrote her a letter. Short but to the point. I didn't say "I love you" or "I want to get back together" or "OMG I miss you please come back". I simply apologized for my actions that night, explained that the hostility and anger that came out that night was a result of me internalizing my frustrations with our situation. I also wrote a little bit about how counseling for my alcohol abuse problem is going so far, and ended the letter with another apology and that I take full responsibility for my actions.

    In a way, I feel like a weight has been lifted. It was closure on that night for me. Now I can move on and learn from it, while progressing as an individual through self-evaluation and counseling.

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    abitbroken
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    Did you send it? Actually, in the letter, you are somewhat blaming her for your actions. You mentioned that the reason for your behavior was your frustration with your relationship, rather than taking full ownership that your behavior was the fault of you alone. I am not saying to take it back, but maybe in the course of your treatment and counseling you need to look at that - what other people do does not cause you to black out. When you stop "explaining" your reasons for doing it and just plainly admit that it was uncalled for no matter what, you are taking ownership and that is an important part of the healing process.

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    jenny_mcs
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    Quote Originally Posted by abitbroken [Register to see the link]
    Did you send it? Actually, in the letter, you are somewhat blaming her for your actions. You mentioned that the reason for your behavior was your frustration with your relationship, rather than taking full ownership that your behavior was the fault of you alone. I am not saying to take it back, but maybe in the course of your treatment and counseling you need to look at that - what other people do does not cause you to black out. When you stop "explaining" your reasons for doing it and just plainly admit that it was uncalled for no matter what, you are taking ownership and that is an important part of the healing process.
    I absolutely agree and was going to post the same thing. Tons of people every day get frustrated with things, and do not get black out drunk and verbally abuse their SO. Whether you realize it or no, you are trying to put at least part of the blame on her.

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    oasisrob22
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    No. I was being honest. I explained WHY I got angry that night. And I said towards the end that I accept full responsibility for my actions. I also said that no one should be subject should be subjected to that kind of verbal abuse, EVER, and I should have explained my frustrations to her in a sober and calm manner. I ended the letter saying that, "I vow upon myself to never let that kind of behavior happen ever again".

    We were not in a relationship this summer. If you read my earlier threads, you can see that she could never make up her mind. I didn't push her. I was very patient. I broke up with her over stress early June and immediately regretted it, but she didn't want to work it out at the time. We slowly talked more and more over the summer and developed a new, solid foundation -- but we were never back in a relationship.

    And I didn't send it. I gave it to a mutual friend of ours for him to give to her.

  5. #5
    anu1560
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    Its good you have written an apology letter to her. That is great. But I have always found, the best apology is the action in future and not words. Hopefully your future action would say what you meant in your letter, doesn't matter if it this woman or some other woman. Again I am just a person who believes in actions rather than words. Words are just words unless they are applied in real life.

    And no reason can justify an abuse whether physical, mental or verbal. Doesn't matter what went wrong, who did wrong, what instigated it. Abuse is an abuse.

    But good that you realized a lot of it and the best, you are moving on.

  6. #6
    oasisrob22
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    Thanks anu! Yes, I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. I have come to terms that I need to cut liquor out of my life COMPLETELY. Not even one shot, one bomb -- nothing. I don't trust myself to establish limits around hard alcohol. Counseling is definitely helping for sure.

    Only time will tell really. I would love to get back together with her, she's an absolute sweetheart and I love being able to treat her right. But what's done is done, and I must move on because at this moment, it's over and I need to accept that.

    We'll see what the future holds...

  7. #7
    anu1560
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    Well, you have already started acting on your apology. You are going for counseling and you have decided to quit drinking. If drinking is making you go out of control, yes, it is better to say goodbye to this.

    You already sent her the apology letter. You really can't do anything more on that front other than working on yourself.

    I know, you must be repenting on your action so much. But yes, what is done is done. You cannot change past. But may be present. Who knows you may get back together or meet someone new who will be nice and sweet.

  8. #8
    Hell_On_Heels
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    I'm glad you wrote the letter, and very glad you are feeling better since writing it. In AA, making amends and taking responsibility for your past actions is a crucial step. Most people with drinking issues can't find peace without doing that.

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    oasisrob22
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    I agree. I definitely owed her that apology letter.

    I do regret my actions very much, simply because we were literally on the brink of starting a new and beautiful relationship. It sucks, but what can you do? Accept it, move on from what you've done, learn, and live. I've accepted it. I'm in the process of moving on from what I've done. I've learned. And I'm trying to live.

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    oasisrob22
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    Thanks Hell on Heels! I'm not in an AA program; rather, I'm enrolled in a 12-session therapy/counseling program through my university. It's FREE for students, which is a huuuuge plus. It's not just alcohol that I talk about with my counselor; I talk about my stress problems too (too much on my plate, worries of finding a 'big-boy' job after I graduate in December, stressing over my ex-gf, etc. etc.)

    I do take responsibility and I wish to make amends. I felt that writing that letter was a proactive step on my part, and it makes me feel better. I did a similar "letter" back in June when I broke up with her over stress-related problems, and though she never said it to me, her best friend told me that she really, really appreciated it.

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