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Thread: Girlfriend not sexually attracted to me anymore.

  1. #1
    halfie
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    Girlfriend not sexually attracted to me anymore.

    Dating my girlfriend for about 3 years now, at the start we were very intimate, sex about 5 times a week, possibly more.

    For the last maybe year or so, I've noticed that she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, she never initiates things, so the more she doesn't want to have the sex, the more I want to because I have needs like any other male.

    I'm good looking and have recently toned up my body in an attempt to reignite that fire but it wont come.. Last night I finally got her to tell me the truth, and she told me she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. She blames work and tiredness but I'm pretty sure there is more to it than that.

    On the flip side, emotionally we are all good, we cuddle, we say we love each other and all that fuzzy crap but has me being too affectionate caused her to loose any sexual desire for me? I'm starting to believe that the nice guys always loose because it always seems like the self centered arrogant s always get girls.



    If you're girlfriend isn't sexually attracted to you anymore, dose this mean she is sexually attracted to someone else? We're only young so I'm pretty sure she still has a libido but just no desire for me.

    and

    Have I permanently lost her sexual desire by becomming too nice and afectionate towards her? What should I do people? Please help, any comments will be deepy appreciated.

  2. #2
    HappyHealing
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    there's a big myth about being 'nice'. The term "nice" is a often associated with a number of signs of weakness such as lack of boundaries, being walked over like a door mat, cannot stand up for your own right, keep peace when you really need to speak out ... etc. have you fallen to exhibit any of these behaviors?

    Dying of sex in a relationship can be a potentially a very bad sign, unfortunately often by the time we see the tip of the ice-burg the cause of the problem have grown so large underneath the surface, we find ourselves on the brink of a fallen relationship. Do everything you can to 'communicate' with her and find out what it is in you that she finds off putting and hopefully she can open up. (if medical/physical reasons are ruled out, you may also talk to her about the possibility to see a relationship counsellor".

    We often change in a relationship - sometimes a needy, clingy side of us surface without even us aware of it, we can grow co-dependent, we can be poor listeners... the possibility are endless, and i surely cannot tell exactly what causes her to lose interest. Best place/person to find from is your partner. Provided she's willing to be honest with you and she even know her self, then work on yourself relentlessly to fix (if the cause was because you exhibited undesirable bad habit)...

    Good luck

  3. #3
    Mustachio
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    I agree a lot with Happy. There can be a long of changes in a relationship and the sex can simply be a symptom of something larger and not necessarily related to attraction.

    I definitely think you need to start communicating with her. You need to talk to her about it and figure out whats going on. Has the relationship gotten stale? What do you do for excitement? Do you still 'date'? Anyways, definitely try and talk to her about your concerns, try not to be accusatory and dont get defensive, just listen and offer your opinions.

    And as happy said, good luck.

  4. #4
    The_Seeker
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    First, please hug yourself. You are a compassionate person.

    I bolded the words in your story. Easier for me to read quicker.

    Pull back, spend less time with her.

    She is making excuses. --> To me that means she has been checking out other guys. My girlfriends act like this when they've been longer relationships. I'm not generalizing all girls are like this.

    If she asks about hanging out or whatever, tell her you got things to do. MAKE SURE YOU DO HAVE THINGS TO DO that you always wanted to do before her. So she doesn't say you lied etc etc.

    That should keep her on her toes. If she doesn't contact you for a while, make sure you got calendar pack with social events.

    Then she will contact you and ask you why you are acting like this, keep your sadness and anger under control by telling her this "I don't appreciate you disrespecting me as if I'm not human. If you do not want me anymore, then be the one to end our relationship. If you decide to go that route, do not contact me."

    That should keep her on her toes.

  5. #5
    halfie
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    I see where you're coming from and no, if she angers me or tries to wlak on top of me, I'll deffinetly put her in her place. On the surface, generally I'm a calm and quiet type of guy and this has been my change, before I was outgoing, loud, rebelious and had the bad boy image but I've matured and realized that by being so called 'strong' is idiodic. I've certainly changed but at the end of the day it's still me, if she fell in love with who I was before.. I don't have much hope do I?

    Communicating with her is difficult, I'm a straight up and down type of guy, if you want the truth, I'll give it to you but on the other hand, getting the truth out of her requires for me to be aggresive and hostile, it requires me to verbally bring her down to pulp(in which I sometimes enjoy) giving her no space to lie and then, eventually and if I'm lucky, I'll get the truth.

    I thought she would respect my ability to love her deeply but being mr nice guy doesn't seem to be worth it anymore..



    Great advice, I'll certainly do this tonight. I've always had a gut feeling that she had intrest in other guys but finding out is merely impossible because she lies so much. anyway I'll cancel our plans for tonight and see how we go, I'll try get some mroe information out of her if we do end up seeing each other but wish me luck.

    Thank you for all of you're replies.

  6. #6
    abitbroken
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    Communicating with her is difficult, I'm a straight up and down type of guy, if you want the truth, I'll give it to you but on the other hand, getting the truth out of her requires for me to be aggresive and hostile, it requires me to verbally bring her down to pulp(in which I sometimes enjoy) giving her no space to lie and then, eventually and if I'm lucky, I'll get the truth.

    this is your problem right here. With my ex, I lost interest in sex because I felt belittled, and not respected. It was hard for me to sleep with someone who took pleasure in hurting me. In fact, my ex even told his mother and others things that I said in confidence to him because he knew it would hurt me/get a reaction from me to sort of test if I would break and tell him the truth (i WAS telling him the absolute truth but either he didn't want to believe it or was taking pleasure in cruelty). Maybe she doesn't tell you things because it could blow up in her face, or she can't open up to someone who treats her this way and makes her feel bad and might even scare her sometimes

    btw, she may tell you that she was lying just to get you to stop and lay off her, even if she is telling you the honest truth just to make it stop.

  7. #7
    The_Seeker
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    You're welcome. Good luck!

  8. #8
    halfie
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    Ok , I see where this is going and please let me clear things up. Generally, to be honest I am a quite and sensible type of guy. I don't like being aggresive, but I'm forced to be. I only SOMETIMES enjoy putting her in her place because I know I've just broken down a lie or some sort of selfish act my girlfriend has tired to pull

    I'm REQUIRED, please note. I'm required to be aggresive and hostile simply because if I'm not, I don't get the truth, more so, I don't get the respect of someone who deserved to know the truth.

    If I don't verbally put her in her place, I don't get the truth. I'm walked over on top of you see. I generally DON'T like being aggresive, its just against my nature and also mentally and psychically draining sometimes.
    (also, please don't take ''psychically drianing'' out of context. For eg, when you have you're heart broken, sometimes you can psychically feel the pain eventhough it's a mental/emotional thing.
    Also, I don't even sink to the level of irrational swear words and insults, I simply agressively remind her of her nature to lie, how bad she is to me sometimes, how selfish it is to rid me of the truth so she can have her emotional clairty.

    It becomes ever more so clear to me that everytime I tell her, ''I'll accept the truth and be calm about it'' the only reason that she'll still lie to is going to be soely for her own beneficial gain.

    For example, shes the type to lie in order to save her own butt, if you know what I mean.. She'll forget about what I deserve to know just because she's scared about how she will feel once I react to the truth even after I've told her I'll take it camely like always. That's selfish I think but anyway, please don't get the wrong idea about me.

    I'm just someone who loves his girlfriend too much and just simply want's to know whats going on and who's abusing my level of appreciation, love and good will.

    Anyone have any suggestions in order to get the truth about loyalty? Like if I wanted my girlfriend to admit that she cheated on me, is there a way you can mentally curb you're way to it? Like to make her actually want to tell me and get it off her chest.. Thanks again for all you're replies, much appreciated

    PS : If it helps anyone to understand this more, she's an aires and I'm a scorpio.
    Last edited by halfie; 09-24-2010 at 03:19 AM.

  9. #9
    HappyHealing
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    I can see that The_Seeker is trying his best to help here, and he's advise makes sense, however i would disagree in this situation.

    The assumption said was "she's making excuses = she has interest in other guys", while it may be true she lost interest in OP and may have new interests, but we can't assume this is the case, even other girls behaved like this.

    It's a good advice to work on yourself and be more independent, to build a life outside of the relationship you have. There's no need to play games => "keeping her on her toes". If you truly love someone, and wanting to build a lasting relationship, playing games won't get you there. Suspending communication will only exacerbate the problem and creating a larger gap in between the distance that's already between you.

    It can be very risky also to issue ultimatums or threats (pushing her to end relationship), this can come accross as passive-aggressive. If partner were communicating to me in this style, i would be totally turned off.

    abitbroken had shared from a female point of view, that any hostility, aggression or manipulative behavior can be very off putting.



    It appears that you have matured. I think you may have developed a common misconception of Strong => bed boy type, Nice => weak door mat. The sign of 'loud, rebellious, bad boy image' you talked about are signs of immaturity and weakness. Being calm and being in good self-control are signs of a stronger and maturer person, you can be "nice", civil, respectful to others at the same time, and should not be mistaken to 'weakness'. Now that you are a Nicer person, perhaps a better person, stronger, I think it is a good thing, not something you should hide or reverse. There's no need to put on a bad-boy facet to attract your partner.

    Yes you're right, she might have fell in love with that 'bad-boy' image of you, and now that you are more mature and stronger in your character, if she doesn't love the new you, it's only natural that you may depart. Would you want to put up a 'bad-boy' image all your life just to keep her around? You need to be just you, and find a partner who can appreciate that. Of course this is all based on the assumption of you believing she fell in love with a 'bad-boy' type of you.

    One thing you mentioned, that you are still you. Yes that's true, your arms and legs and appearances are the same. But you are not the same you from last minute to the next minute. We are undergoing constant change. You are a different person to that 'you' of yesterday, or two years ago or 5 years ago. Please remember this is just a given of life, you change, and your partner changes too. Her attraction to you changes from time to time, she as a person also change. We can hope but can't expect that all change will be aligned, and all change will occur at the same pace. That's why communicating with her is so important. In a relationship we communicate with our partners so that we always shorten that gap between us and our partner. We can never be one, so it is a constant work to make sure we keep the gap small.



    If she's lies and is dishonest in character, you better off with a healthier partner, then having to use various 'aggressions' to force things out of her. Verbally bring someone down tarnish the intimacy of a loving relationship, if love is what you are truly hoping for, and if you truly love someone, how do you think bring someone down, treading on their esteem would help? I see this as controlling and manipulation.

    Women (and often men) wants emotional intimacy, to feel safe and secure before they feel sexual with their partners, if you take the emotional intimacy away, and make her feel unsafe, how can she open up to you, let alone enjoy sex with you?

    Do you always want to be someone you are not ('bad-boy' image) and keep play games, try to control and have a partner you have to manipulate into sex with you?

  10. #10
    abitbroken
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    You have proven that you WILL NOT be calm. You have to show her with actions, because how is she to believe you. That would take time to prove yourself. My ex would say stuff like that, and then he would still flip out, or if not then, he would later. No one is FORCED to be aggressive except in situations where someone is trying to rescue someone from a burning car or someone who is twice your weight lands on you. You do NOT love this girlfriend "too much" because you do not respect her. It seems that you feel that she owes you or that you need to be her judge and jury. You are so set on getitng what you deserve, what about what she deserves, not just in the relationship, but just as a human being? You are NOT showing her good will. at all. I can't imagine what she is "lying" about that is so bad that it deserves this sort of thing? Unless i misread it and you told us what she is lying about, I can't imagine that it is about a secret life she is carrying out and am lead to believe its trivial.

    Calling someone on the carpet once in awhile is one thing but finding PLEASURE in causing someone pain and hammering someone emotionally until they cry uncle is abusive, though you think that she is someone who doesn't realize how good she has it with your "good will".

    If my boyfriend came at me so aggressively every time, I wouldn't want to tell him anything either. And in fact, that is how my ex was also and maybe that is why I am calling you out on this because I know what it is like to be terrorized like that with no let up. It really didn't matter if I was actually telling the truth or not. he was just enjoying it sometimes.

    Why, if you don't have any respect for her - you dont trust her to do the right thing and you don't really care for her feelings - why are you with her?

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