Split after 9 years, still live together. LOOONG

Sorry if it's a bit long

Me and my girlfriend have been together for (almost) 9 happy and fun years, we moved into a new house about year ago and about the same time she started a new job which had very irregular hours, sometimes nights, sometimes days, sometimes a late followed by an early... etc, you get the idea. This left her very tired and irritable and left me resentful which caused arguments when we did see each other, mostly small arguments but it spoiled the time we did have together.

Just as this summer began things got worse, there's always something going on in the summer and trying to sleep during the day after a night shift was impossible for my gf so she just went out with her friends while having not much sleep every week, she then said she didn't think we should be together because we always argue, while it was devastating for me i had to agree. After showing her and telling her how much i love and care for her whenever i saw her, i started going out and doing things separately from her, she told me she still loved me but i made sure i tried not to call or text her unless it was important or she'd asked me a question first, and obviously sleeping in different rooms.

It was hard because in those 9 years we have shared everything, including most of our friends, but since there was no pressure between us we got on well and still had friends over. I even managed to convinced her that her job was doing her a lot of harm so she quit and got a new job with better hours, then after about 3 months, we were watching films, eating together and finally getting back together.

The next 5 weeks went fine and everything felt like it was getting back to normal, apart from when we were out sometimes, she would act distant towards me when with her friends, was she embarrassed to show affection towards me any more? It had never been a problem before we split and we were supposed to be putting that all behind us right? I didn't say anything and decided to see how things went with time.

This past weekend it all went horribly wrong, she was supposed to meet me at a friends house and when i couldn't get in contact with her, i tried calling other people and visiting the house but no answer, when she arrived home we had a massive argument about it, we are both as stubborn as each other when it comes to arguments so things just escalate until one of us storms out, this argument was completely my fault, i over reacted about it in the heat of the moment instead of waiting until the next morning, i'd also had quite a lot to drink so that obviously made things worse.

Now we are back to where we were weeks ago, we are not together but still living in the same house, i don't know if it's even possible we could get back together now, i love this girl more than anything in the world (and she tells me the same) but what's the point if we just argue? We have managed 8 of the 9 years without anything serious like this happening but is it broken beyond repair now? We've been together from 18-27 years of age so we've grown from teenagers into adults together, everything we own is shared and neither of us can afford a place on our own (very expensive around here) the house is rented from her family so i'm the one who will have to move out.

It's probably no surprise that the female friends we have will instantly want to make sure my ex is OK while i get no support, and most of my male friends wouldn't know what the hell to say/do anyway, lol. So i'm now left with the dilemma of having to move away completely and get a new job/life unless i can find someone else to move in with around this area.

I don't know if we should stay friends, i don't know if i can carry on seeing our shared friends as most of them are quite a close group. I really don't know what to do.

The most painful thing which I'm trying to put to the back of my mind at the moment is the fact the person i love more than anything else in the world might have to become a stranger to me in the near future. I know it would be crazy to throw everything we have together over a few arguments but she seems certain this time. And i don't know if it's possible to get over a bad patch like this and return back to how it was before this all started happening anyway.

I'm usually a very optimistic person anyhow, so while this is absolutely killing me at the moment (had about 2 hours sleep last night) I'm still managing to be pretty upbeat about the whole thing (at the moment) I spent all last night thinking about all the fun and often stupid situations i've ended up in over the years and laughing to myself about it, then imagining what the next ten years could have in store, etc.

So if anyone actually made their way through that, have they been in a similar mess as this?

Relationships have there ups and downs, sounds like stress was causing you both to argue, and she gave up, things got better, but then one incident and your back to square one .Could you go to relationship counselling?

I think people give up to easily sometimes, arguing is normal and natural, sometimes you'll have a period of arguing non stop, then months with blissful happiness. Thats real life relationshis.

It sounds like either way,you will be ok.

Relationships have there ups and downs, sounds like stress was causing you both to argue, and she gave up, things got better, but then one incident and your back to square one .Could you go to relationship counselling?

 

I think people give up to easily sometimes, arguing is normal and natural, sometimes you'll have a period of arguing non stop, then months with blissful happiness. Thats real life relationshis.

 

It sounds like either way,you will be ok.

Yeah i agree there, i now know we probably shouldn't have got back together as soon as things seemed OK, maybe relationship counselling would have worked but i think it might be too late now.

She doesn't seem bothered about it at the moment, i don't know if it's just a brave face or what. I've managed to hold it together and think positive about the future but then an hour later i'm just lying here in floods of tears thinking about the whole situation. We had a brief chat earlier and i told her how i felt better thinking about the fun times and how whatever happens i know in 10 years time from now i will have a whole bunch of new memories to look back on, if we are together or not. She told me she thought she had wasted her life so far. Maybe i shouldn't speak to her for a bit...

Its hard not to speak to someone you live with. Maybe you should move out, to wherever you can. And cut off contact if you believe its truly over.

I did try to find somewhere temporary to stay today but it's not possible, at the moment all I can do is wait and see how things go over the next few days I guess. I've told her I take full responsibility for the argument and how angry I am at myself for letting it get out of hand but I don't want to dwell on it. We are still talking about non relationship stuff when we see each other so at least it's not too awkward. Im just trying not to show how upset I am right now. I hope we can fix things but it's got to be her decision.

Yeah the balls in her court. She knows you want to make it work.

Where do you live? I find it very hard to believe you can't find a a shared room in a house or apt. on craigslist. You should treat it like its really over, and start moving on, and meeting new girls. Everything changes when there's another girl in the picture.

I wish I could even afford a cheap house share but we are both short of money at the moment. Everything is paid for here until the end of the month and what little money I have will pay for food etc. The only reason we have this place is because we get cheap rent. I should have saved enough cash for a months rent somewhere just in case things didn't work out but I'm an idiot.