What are dumpers thinking during the first 6 weeks of no contact???

To the dumpers please answer the following 3 questions:

 

1. What is the thought process you go through when you leave your girl to the point that it makes you want her back?

 

2. Do you need sever NC or LC from your ex to go back to her?

 

3. How do you want her to respond to any attempts you make to get in touch with her?

 

Please answer, many thanks

*haha this will be interesting as im 6 weeks into BU*

Interesting. I'd love to know the answers too.

I’ve been a dumper before and I had gotten some insight from my W when we broke up so hopefully I’ll be kinda close on this.

 

1. What is the thought process you go through when you leave your girl to the point that it makes you want her back?

They want you back when you are no longer interested in them. As long as they think you are waiting on them or pinning for them they don’t want anything to do with you. Too much pressure.

 

For them to want you back, you would have to change. Start dressing up every time you go out and “man up” and act like the breakup did not affect you and that you seem better off.

 

2. Do you need sever NC or LC from your ex to go back to her?

I’d say NC. Any attempted at contact at first will look like attempts to win them back either directly or indirectly (playing games). Sometimes dumpers will do LC because they feel guilty but they see it as temporally until the dumpee seems strong enough to be out on their own.

 

 

3. How do you want her to respond to any attempts you make to get in touch with her?

 

Everyone wants what they can’t have. They expect you to respond a certain way and are prepared for it. They dumped you and they are the best thing you ever had (they won’t say that but they think it) so they expect you to act kinda pathetic. Big turn off.

 

Act indifferent like you no longer care. That’s what they are wanting. They don’t want you to act like you want them anymore. When you act all nice to them and hint that you want them back it puts pressure on them. Pressure is your enemy. Just talking to them creates pressure and asking any personal questions. If anything when you do speak with them make it brief and maybe even a bit annoyed that you have to speak with them.

 

The first few weeks for a dumper will seem like a relief at first. People rarely dump other people out of the blue so they have had time to think about it and stress out over it. Once it’s over it’s like a huge weight is off their shoulders but most also feel guilty for what they have done.

 

Once the novelty of the breakup is over, they start having second thoughts. A lot rides on how you handle the breakup. If you are all needy and stalk them or lash out then it will re-enforce their decision to leave you. However if you just go “meh” stop communicating with them and act all happy and enjoy yourself then they will doubt themselves. Happy people are attractive people.

 

 

Hope this helps.

Great explaination

Loved your post RobD70! Effective one.

yes everybody go nc. I have been in nc for a little over two weeks. My ex keeps texting me saying hi telling me about school asking me to make sure I cleaned the fish tank etc. I e ignored them all. My feeling is I'm only responding if she says she messed up or wanys to try again. Anythin.g else is kinds pointless. I dunno

At first the dumper is relieved that you are not talking to them. All they remember is why they broke up with you and all the negatives. At about the 6-8 week mark if you have truly stayed NC which most can not do, they will feel the full impact of not having you in there lives. They will start replacing the negatives with the positives thoughts of you and the relationship. This is the time frame when most dumpers will reach out to the dumpee.

 

If you play it cool and act as if life is wonderful without them and you are doing great, you may have a chance to get them back.

 

The ironic thing about NC is that although the main purpose is to heal and move on... the side affect is that it gives you the best chance to get your ex back as well.

SunnyV, I am sorry but that made me laugh. I would be cracking up if my ex was texting me about cleaning a fish tank after me not responding for quite some time.

 

The first time we broke up I got all pathetic and called and texted non stop. The second time (this time) roughly 6 months later I have been "meh" for 6 weeks. It seems as though she is now looking at the relationship to see what SHE did wrong that caused this all to happen. I would definitely say removing yourself or going NIC and like once a week at that is the way to go.

The hard part is when you start to look more attractive in their eyes after the six weeks. You have to really play it cool and stick with it. If things go back to normal right away you will be broken up in no time. Then starts the cycle of break up, make up, break up, etc.

 

I would still keep some distance. Don't go running back and start being all needy again. You have to keep them chasing you to have a chance.

What if you told your ex not to contact you unless it's to reconcile, but then after those many weeks they do want to talk to you and possibly reconcile...yet think to themselves, If I contact her/him, they're going to automatically think that's what I want, which = pressure. Or is my thinking illogical?

Yeah that's logical - if you say don't contact, there is a good chance they won't even if they want to check in. They may be respecting your wishes.

 

Me and my ex are on mutual NC and we are still within the first few months of the breakup - she still has all of her facebook photos with me up and in her profile pic album plus all the gifts I gave her. I'm guessing she doesn't want to 'hurt' me by taking them down --- possible that she truly just needs the space of the separation with hopes of maybe reconnecting?

What if you told your ex not to contact you unless it's to reconcile, but then after those many weeks they do want to talk to you and possibly reconcile...yet think to themselves, If I contact her/him, they're going to automatically think that's what I want, which = pressure. Or is my thinking illogical?

What you are thinking makes sense, that would be a good reason not to tell an ex that.

 

When an ex wants you back they will let you know but it won't be all at once. They will slowly try to work themselves into your life and the harder it is for them the more desperate they will get. Most people think that once an ex has tried to contact them that if they ignore it the ex will just give up and move on (ignoring the fact the ex already has moved on by dumping you to begin with). If that was true then technically all dumpees would move one once the ex rejects them. We all know that's not the case or else forums like this wouldn't exists.

 

They have to earn their way back to you, that's the attitude people need to adopt. The ex hurt you and left so if they want a second chance they have to show you they are worth it. Making it too easy on them hurts everyone and is a quick trip to failure.

 

Getting someone back is easy compare to keeping them after the fact. What's the point of getting an ex back if two days later they say "It's not working" and up and leave again?

 

When they contact with "I understand why you don't want to talk to me" and "you are the best thing that every happened to me and I will always regret what I done to you" kind of stuff THEN you can slowly break NC but always be careful. One minute they will say "I love you" and when you say it back they'll respond with "but..."

I may be different then a lot of other people here but I think about how I would respond in the situation of the dumper, which I have been in the past. I remember my ex saying "Please dont call me anymore." To which I responded "Ok." and left.

 

A few weeks later I was missing her. I texted her jokingly and said something from a movie we used to think was funny. She responded with "Please do not contact me unless you want to get back together". I didnt contact her again.

 

She eventually called a few months later but I had been long gone at that point. I met someone who was nice and fun to be around. Had my ex responded with something funny or atleast nice I probably would have begun the process of working things out with her. But it was like texting a brick wall. So I gave up and moved on.

This is interesting. I want my ex back, but think I screwed it up beyond repair. I dunno.

I texted a lot initially right after a bad breakup...said a lot of mean things, out of hurt and anger.

My last attempt at contacting him was 10 days ago. Not a peep from me.I am certain he is relieved

that I stopped. But more importantly I feel so much better about MYSELF. It is truly degrading to

try taking to someone who just wants you gone. It hurts and it's humiliating. I made a promise

to myself to never EVER treat myself like that again. I am no longer concerned about how HE feels, although yes, I would eventually like to work things out, when the time is right. I just do not think it

will happen in the near future, which is fine with me. And that says a LOT about my progress

considering a few weeks ago I was a sniveling mess... lol

Quick question, if i am nc now after a couple of months trying to get answers and get her back, in your opinion will it still have the same effect after that time?

I have gone off the idea of reconciliation as i feel I should have got some answers but I am curious at whether I should prepare myself or will she just be relieved forever now?

Does this also apply if the dumper is dating someone else? My ex has started to date someone and I also started to date but still think about him....so in a way it could be a rebound lol....although it's been 4 months since b/u. I've been 6 weeks NC at all and just wondering if the dumper still has these thoughts if they are dating someone. I was his longest relationship of 1 1/2 years. Would they ever reach out and see how you are doing at any point?

Does this also apply if the dumper is dating someone else? My ex has started to date someone and I also started to date but still think about him....so in a way it could be a rebound lol....although it's been 4 months since b/u. I've been 6 weeks NC at all and just wondering if the dumper still has these thoughts if they are dating someone. I was his longest relationship of 1 1/2 years. Would they ever reach out and see how you are doing at any point?

 

For me I really hope so. I have failed so many times at nc in the last three months but now I have to, for my own sanity. I still hope she sees the light

If anything when you do speak with them make it brief and maybe even a bit annoyed that you have to speak with them.

 

I'm on around 14 days of NC/LC (tbh I began caring so little that I stopped counting). My ex and I work together, hence the LC. Any communication with her has been very LC, certainly brief, and on every occasion I have been somewhat annoyed that I've had to converse with her.

 

Edit: I should mention that this is the second time she's broken up with me. I am not putting myself through a third round with her.

The first time we broke up I got all pathetic and called and texted non stop. The second time (this time) roughly 6 months later I have been "meh" for 6 weeks. It seems as though she is now looking at the relationship to see what SHE did wrong that caused this all to happen. I would definitely say removing yourself or going NIC and like once a week at that is the way to go.

 

It's interesting how the second time around we (the dumpees) see things so differently and act accordingly. Twice burned lesson learned perhaps??

I think the opinions expressed in this thread are kind of wishy washy... There's no set time to when they will start thinking about you. It depends on the cirumstances. If it was a LTR and they rebound it takes more time depending on how the rebound is going. If they don't rebound they will think about you if you go NC generally faster IMO. It's all about how you handle it. If you accept their decision, say oh well and just go NC... that's usually when they will reach out. They don't understand why you aren't hurt and all torn up inside. Either way you just need to move on. Usually for some odd reason... it's when you've moved on they come back.

My case was that she was the dumper, but I contributed to it as well. She would always talk to her mom about our problems and I started shutting down bc of it. We were together 10 month and she left last weekend. I went NC the day after and I am not on any social media. SHe has moved back home 700 miles away.

 

What is she going through?

How is she feeling?

does she think about me?

Whats the chances of her wanting to come back living 700 miles away?