Letting Go

I just need a place to write. On the way into work this morning, I started thinking things through and I had a breakthrough that made me want to cry.

Why am I so upset that the one thing that I relied on him for - taking Bailey into doggie daycare in the mornings - was taken away? I've always thought of myself as fiercely independent and the fact that I relied on him for that was out of character, so was I angry with myself for stepping out of character? No, I think I realized that the reason that I am so independent and don't like anyone to do anything for me is that it makes me vulnerable. It can be taken away. People can let you down. If you let yourself down, you only have yourself to blame. The minute you give the reigns over to someone else, you give them control. But isn't that what a relationship should be? You should never lose yourself in another person, but shouldn't you be able to rely on them for some things?

I know he wanted to sit down and talk about it and sort it out, but my self-protection instinct kicked in and all I wanted was for it to be over and him never to take him in again. I'll do it. Yeah, it'll be a pain and mean adjusting things, but that's better than feeling like I owe him or like I'm putting him out. It does make me want to shut down everything, though. It makes me want to say - "oh you're busy with work the next three nights, and then your friends are in town for a wedding that I'm not invited to?" Awesome. Let's reconvene next week, dude. I don't want to see you. I don't want you coming over late at night to go to bed. I just want to not have to worry about you anymore. I don't want to have the anxiety of being disappointed or upset or waiting around...I just want you to go away. I know that's not the mature way to handle things, but the instinct is soooo strong.

I think it comes down to the fact that it's easier to have no piece of someone than it is to have small little pieces that make you feel like you might someday get the whole pie. I know I'm not going to get it, so waiting around for these crumbs is making me crazy. I'm so annoyed and sick of it. But then, when I finally get there, on the verge of letting go - of just saying, this is it - I get so scared. I don't want to let go. And he doesn't really want to let me go. I mean, he'd be fine if I walked, but if he senses that things are building for me, he kind of subtly ups his game a bit. Pays more attention. Focuses. And I, like the coward that I am, fold. It's so warm and comfortable to stay, and so cold and scary to leave.

So I ran into my neighbor -- a guy that I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago -- he started dating a girl maybe 4 or 5 months ago....they're now moving to a new city together and he told me that he is proposing to her on Friday. Now, he's a bit of a strange dude - really smart and hardworking, but just a little odd -- something I can't put my finger on....but he said to me "you know, at this age (the guy is probably 33ish) you just kinda know what you're looking for and you don't have to date for years and years."

Now, I'm smart enough to know that's one perspective. I also know a couple that was dating for 4-5 years that just got engaged and they're both thrilled, and I don't think there was anything wrong for them dating for that length of time. And heck, I don't even care if I ever get married!! But I do want that commitment, I want to move in with someone! I want some sort of forward progression! I want it to be a given that we will both be invited to a wedding together because we're as good as married, ya know?

I'm feeling crap about the wedding this weekend. I'm going to meet all of his grad school friends on Friday night, and then they all have the wedding on Saturday. I could care less about the actual wedding, and to be honest, if we're going to drink a lot on Friday, I'd much rather have a quiet Saturday night at home with the dog, but it makes me feel like I don't belong. Like I've been dating him for 2 months rather than 2 years.

Bah, whatever. This too shall pass.

Alright, things are turning around. I was in such a slump!

Yesterday, I planned a trip to Colombia with a friend. I'm excited. I've decided that I'm going to up the number of trips that I take each year. I've always saved for one big international trip per year, but there is no reason that I can't go more often. So I will. Das is good. It makes me feel happy.

Another friend said last night that she envied how independent I am -- that I go on trips when I want and do what I want, and am not tied to my boyfriend. It made me feel good. I mean, I'd be lying if I said that there weren't times (plenty of times) that I wanted to be more tied to him, but I do love the fact that I have maintained a life of my own and I haven't stopped doing the things that I love because of him. I think she has. She's timid to plan a trip with other people - I think she's always feeling like she doesn't want to leave him. To be fair, it's easier for me to leave. My guy is busy working all of the time, so leaving is no biggie. We don't spend entire days together, we don't constantly have plans, so me making my own doesn't require me to give anything up. And I'm glad that he encourages me to head off...actually, he doesn't even really encourage me - it's just a non-issue. "I'm going to Colombia." "Great." There really isn't much more discussion than that...other than to ask details of my plans and tell me that he's jealous of my schedule. And I do like that. If someone tried to hold me back, it would not go well.

See - the thing is - I wonder sometimes whether I choose these super independent guys because I myself am terrified to give up independence. Then, I blame it on them. "Oh, if he'd commit, everything would be ok." I mean, would it? Am I prepared to tie myself to someone financially? Am I ready to give up my condo and move in with someone? Would I be okay dating someone who said "you know what - jetting off every weekend isn't practical, we need to save for our family." Honestly, the thought of any of that freaks me out completely. I really like having my space. I like not answering to anyone. But I'm greedy! I want a perfect balance. I want him to come my way a little bit more, while maintaining our separate lives and interests.

Balance is hard to achieve.

Man, it's always so much easier to see it with other people's relationships. I mean, last week I was upset about everything - each tiny move he made, I was annoyed. He wants to come over? Whatever, he's just appeasing me. He isn't coming over? Ugh, selfish jerk. I mean - he really couldn't win. And I was unhappy. It's such a choice, that unhappiness.

Now my friend is doing the same thing. She's much more of a spiraler than I am though, and she also can't keep anything contained. When I'm upset, it generally stays with me. Sure, I may act a bit moody, but it's never a fight and honestly, I usually kind of let it go when he's around. I torture myself. She doesn't do that. Every move, emotion, feeling, thought she has comes out and they fight incessantly. Sometimes over important things that warrant discussion, but most of the time over ridiculous tiny issues that should be let go. I think everytime I'm upset about something, I need to remind myself of how ridiculous it seems when she does the same thing.

On my end, things have been going really well. I have chosen to be happy for the past week or so. Had a great time with his out of town friends, really bonded with the guy he is closest to, and overall, I just enjoyed the moment. When they all went to the wedding on Saturday night, I was supposed to go out with friends, but was tired and decided to stay in instead. I didn't worry about what he was doing at all - went to bed early, rested, etc. It was nice. The really cool thing is that I get to decide whether to be happy or not. Whether to let small, tiny things drive me nuts or to look at the bigger picture - realize that there is a big, overarching issue but until I'm ready to address it, it's so much easier to enjoy the relationship and not pick on tiny, unimportant things. I love this man. I love spending time with him. One day, it will end. But for now, I will be happy.

Man. Inner battle.

So. We went on anniversary trip - 4 full days together - amazing. It highlighted what we miss by not being able to spend full days together. You just know a piece of a person until you spend that time. And it was wonderful. We were totally in synch. It was love. It was tenderness. He looked at me in a different way. Man. I want it back.

A day before our departure I did the single most disrespectful thing that I have done in this relationship. I sent an email that I shouldn't have sent. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing blatantly revolting. Just...man, I feel guilty. A guy in a different part of the country, a very successful/marginally famous guy has been making subtle passes. I always politely warded him off, all the while knowing it wasn't too serious. Before I left I sent a not as much of a brush off email. Not an invitation, but just a "your email made me smile." Puke, makes me sick to think of it. That seemed to give him the green light to step on the gas with his response. And I read it many, many times. It made me feel good.

A day into the trip, I felt sick about it. I have such strong feelings about disrespect in a relationship. Sure, everyone flirts. And hey, had this been a casual personal encounter in which I was a bit flirtatious, but didn't cross a line, I don't think I'd feel the same guilt. But it was written. It was premeditated. I hesitated before hitting send. I made a conscious decision. I rationalized. "JB won't commit to me; why should I always have to be so perfect? Shouldn't I be allowed to keep options open? Who am I hurting? It's not like I'm actually doing anything!" Ick.

All we have in this life is our integrity. Everything else can be stripped away. People, places, things. And yes, I feel an emotional distance in my relationship that I would very much like to be filled. But filling that through an outside party's compliments is weak and pathetic. If I want a closer emotional relationship, I either need to fight for it or leave and then find it.

The trip brought us so close...it reminded me of what it can be like...I am bummed to be back to everyday life. Things are still fine, but back to the routine. The crazy schedule. The distance. I think it's time for a talk.

But what to say?

So my friend thinks I need to go see a new therapist -- someone that I can be completely honest with. I think she thinks I'm fooling myself when I pontificate on my wants and needs. It's so hard not to be defensive though when she's attacking and saying that at heart, I do want traditional things and my thought process outside of that is merely me justifying the relationship.

The thing is, I really don't know. I'm not just being defensive and I don't feel like I'm pulling the wool over my own eyes by considering other options, but I suppose, you never really think that, right? I don't know. I do know that I've never been Ms. Traditional, Get Married, Have Kids, White Picket Fence. If I wanted that, I could have had it at age 22. With a great guy. I walked away because I did not want it. Certainly not at that point in time.

The question is what do I want now? What does almost 30 year old me want? I am on a roll of choosing not completely emotionally available, very accomplished, good looking, smart men. It's like a drug to me. I love them. I can't help it. JB is the best of the crop because he doesn't have so many of the issues that plague a lot of them and make a long term relationship impossible. He doesn't seem to have the wandering eye, grass is greener, I'm settling mentality that most of them develop after a few months. He's a solid partner and he likes being in relationships. He is also not arrogant. In certain ways he has his little snobiness, but he is not impressed with himself, and it's not act. He is confident but doesn't place himself above anyone. It's great. He likes nice things sometimes, but he drives an old car, likes vintage furniture, and is not impressed with glitz. He's a good dude. Hard to find in a big city. Usually if they're tall, good looking, and successful you don't want them to open their mouths for fear of major douchiness -- not the case with him. And -- he doesn't know he's hot. Major plus.

But what do I WANT? All of the above mentioned traits are great. And hard to come by. BUT am I okay with no commitment? To just do this dating until...I don't know! I mean, you can't say date forever because that's a commitment. But it certainly doesn't feel day to day. And that's when I start to think...

Have traditional values for what a relationship "should" or "needs" to be made me feel uncomfortable with something that is in actuality, comfortable for me? I mean, what we have works. I love my place, he loves his -- we see each other 5-6 nights a week. He helps with the dog sometimes. I help with an errand here or there every now and then. But mainly, we take of ourselves. And when we see each other, it's fun. We talk. We vent. We're affectionate and respectful. We don't fight.

And then I look at some "traditonal" relationships my friends are in - marriages, engagements, etc. And I gotta say - those seem to have their own sets of issues. And some of those issues are things that I would not want to deal with.

BUT, have I given up? Settled? Do I really want to know what it's like to live with someone? Is that curiosity enough to end it? Or has my perspective truly shifted as a function of age, life, and experience? I do see the value of the type of relationship that I have. But have I fooled myself into believing that? It's so hard to say. I really don't know.

I MUST talk to him. I must find out what is going on inside his head. I can guess all day. I can skirt the issue. I can come up with a million scenarios, but he is holding such a large piece of the puzzle. I have to know what the options are within this relationship before I can make a decision. I have come to this conclusion far too many times to count. I mean, it's not tough to figure out. After 2 years, you should have a rough idea of what your partner is thinking...about you.

The worst thing that he can say is that he likes me, but doesn't see a future, right? That he's fine with where things are, but that it's never going any further. The problem is what does that MEAN? That it can stay here forever? Or that he'll leave at the drop of a hat? Argh. I go in circles.

Bam. Finally got the guts to call a new psychiatrist. I've done therapy for years, and seen an actual shrink once, but he was just the med-dispensing kind. This guy does both - meds and talk. I'm excited. I don't have much need for medication at this point, but a supply of anti-anxiety for backup would be nice for nights when I simply cannot sleep.

I've always wanted to go to someone really bright who can push and challenge me. My therapist on and off for the past four years is such a sweet lady and I really like her, but I didn't feel we were going anywhere. Of couse, I am part of that equation. But I think it will be cool to see someone new and hopefully it will open up new doors. Hooray.

So...time passes. I've been to the new therapist twice. He's good. He's quirky, really intelligent, and very engaged. I have a few concerns that there may be some similarities between him and my father though. They both praise and seem to exaggerate my accomplishments and are overly enthusiastic about how great I am. I mean, that's great and all, but you just met me - how do you know?? He told me that he tested my IQ during our first meeting and that I'm near genius level. Um...alright. I mean, I just feel like it's a bit too much. That said, he has tons of positives and it's been great.

We honed in on my relationship with JB right away and spent a lot of time talking about him. And then, like it was nothing at all, he got to the heart of things. I'm not sure why I downplayed his childhood so much. My personality was formed in childhood. The way I interacted with my parents, their relationship, the role I played in my family is so central to who I am now. And, I will take the leap and say that it's the case for everyone. Everyone is a reaction to their childhood; the reaction may be different - some people repeat the same patterns, some go completely in the opposite direction, but to say that it doesn't have a major affect, I think, is naive. I say this because I was telling my best friend about this yesterday, and she's like "oh yeah, you really get into the going way back stuff - I try to focus on the last 5-10 years. If a therapist tries to talk about my childhood, I say let's move forward, I don't want to dwell on that." Um....I mean, don't you think it has something to do with the issues you're facing and how you are handling them? I don't know - it just seems like some major denial to not acknowledge it. To each their own, I guess. Which is not to say that I think we should dwell in the past and not take personal responsibility for how we are living in the present -- I just think we need to consider it in order to grow.

ANYWAY, we started talking about what I knew of JB's childhood. And the big thing is - his mom is really tough. I won't go into detail, but she had very high expectations and there was a lot of pressure. So the shrink is like "um, do you think that's why he may have a problem committing to a woman or letting a woman get the best of him?" I mean, I don't think it's so cut and dry, but yeah, I do think it plays a major role. And I think the fact that he has chosen me -- someone willing to be so passive in the relationship -- is a reaction to that on some level. At any rate, we discussed strategies and he seemed very optimsitic that I could work on this and make some progress. We'll see how it goes.

Things between us have been pretty good. Work has been so crazy that we haven't had much time to connect, but he always does make an effort. I'm real hormonal this week so I just feel like I looooooooove him and want to squeeze him. It's internal - I don't act clingy with him, but I'm just feeling a pull towards him -- and I'm feeling ridiculously tired. Sigh, being a girl has its drawbacks.

It's been awhile. Things with JB have been really good overall. More on that in a bit.

I'm hoping that I can get on top of work. Sometimes I just feel like the worst person ever. It can be so hard to focus. I want to be on top of everything all of the time, but I find myself getting behind the eight ball and I feel anxious about it all of the time. If I just buckled down and focused, I wouldn't have to worry so much. It frustrates me to know that and still feel powerless against it. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Sometimes it makes me feel all alone. I never talk to JB about it because I know it would make him think less of me. It makes me think less of me.

We had a good Thanksgiving together. I go back and forth - sometimes I feel like we're so connected and that he does really, really love me. And sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm really nice, but doesn't have strong emotions about the relationship. It just depends on the day. Like today - I'm traveling for work this week, and I get a text when I'm off the plane asking how my day is going -- this is not common. Tonight, he left his phone in the car and missed my call, and when he finally called he said "I realized I hadn't heard from my baby, and that's when I looked for my phone." I know, it's small. But not for me. Tomorrow night, we could have a totally impersonal conversation that makes me feel like he didn't notice I left. It just fluctuates. A part of me says - it's been over two years, the fact that he's still here means he does care deeply, but that thought process isn't foolproof. He stayed with someone else for a long time until she wasn't happy with the arrangement. Blah. Too tired to get into it more deeply. More later.

Dude, I've been killing it at work. Super focused, knocking things out. Organized. Focused. Who am I? It feels good. It makes me feel confident. I can write something in an hour and when I read it, I think - wow, that's good and it doesn't take a long time! So I definitely feel like progress has been made on that front.

As far as JB, things are also going pretty well there. He seems to be leaning on me a little more (which, is all relative, as before it was nonexistent). He'll ask me small favors, and do them for me. When I came into town on Friday night after a long week, he had gone to get stuff to cook me for dinner, and the past few days he's just been really thoughtful. It's nice. I really, truly love him and appreciate our relationship so much. It may not be ideal in every way, but it's good in so many. He's thoughtful, caring, respectful, honest, and smart. And I've just felt closer to him lately. Like I broke down some kind of barrier and am regarded as kind of the girlfriend who has been around for a long time (which, duh, I have) -- but it feels like he's finally starting to treat me like someone who has been around for a long time. Even if that means things like asking me to help him with stuff that's not so fun, it's really positive for me. I don't know -- I'm just happy.

And tired. And full. Ugh. I ate way too much at breakfast and lunch today. Blah. Feel gross. I'm going to have to have a very light dinner. I'm supposed to go to the gym with a friend, but I am so bad - I just don't feel like it. It's so cold. I haven't been there in awhile. Like, kind of a long time. It's so hard to get back into it. And right now, I don't have a burning desire to be honest. Oh well.

I'm kind of rambling, but I hesitate to close this entry for some reason. I think I feel like I have something important to say but haven't said it. I guess I can always come back.

I'm back. So...therapy last night was a mixed bag. The fact that this is my dad's psychiatrist as well makes it tricky. When I talk about my dad it feels like a betrayal, and to be honest, I don't fully trust this guy's confidentiality policy. He seems a bit loose. But if I want to make progress, I need to talk about my issues in that area, so I think I'm cheating myself if I don't discuss it. And at this point, I'm not willing to give up the therapist because he's good. So, we'll see.

I feel like I might be starting to get sick. Ugh. I need to have a productive day at work here, and go home and get some rest. More later.

The wedding this weekend is going to be a challenge. My family is so crazy. It's like - these people live on a different planet. I feel like a foreigner...but I'm happy to be a foreigner because my greatest nightmare is becoming like them. I just want the total focus to be my brother and his happiness and marriage -- seems like that should just come naturally, right? Hah -- not with all of the narcissistic personalities competing. At any rate, I'll make it through and put on a happy face for the bro.

JB - man...I don't know what's going on with that guy! He's being so great. This morning, he was soooooo snuggly, and saying "my baby is beautiful, and snuggly, and soft." He's always snuggly, but he's been verbalizing more lately. Really nice. Love him.

And I probably won't see him tonight and leave for the wedding tomorrow, but since I feel so great about us- it doesn't bother me at all! It's like, I understand that he has to get up super early tomorrow, we've spent the last 6 nights together at my place....it's like -- I'll see ya Sunday. I love feeling that independence and confidence in our relationship and not getting anxious about having him around or feeling like I need to squeeze time out of him. I like this me.

Blah. Bad week. Sunday was amazing. He had the day off and we spent the entire thing together - got up and went to brunch, bought the paper and read in the afternoon, took him as a guest to my gym in the evening, and then bought food to make dinner and watch SNF. It was just great. I felt really close to him and connected.

Then, Monday. He had the evening off and said he had to do some work and work out, but he'd be over at 8:30. Came over at 10pm. Annoyed. Basically just went to bed together. Tuesday night, he worked, didn't see him. Last night, I decided to go see him at the restaurant. Blah. Always a big mistake. It just never goes well. He kind of ignores me! I understand that he's busy and working, but he's talking to customers AND it's not like I come in there all of the time. Maybe once a month. Maybe. It just feels crappy. And I hate watching him with other people - he's so interested in everything they say and joking around -- I just don't get that part of him anymore it seems. And I'm pretty sure he said something to a customer about flying home when the restaurant is closed for a week. Um, he hasn't said anything to me. And it's like not even two weeks away. I HATE that about him. Gr.....I'm so angry right now. And sad. And hormonal. I think - just when I start to feel progression and feel so close to him, this crap happens and I just feel like I'm back to square one. And I get soooooooooo friggin' tired of trying to fight and claw my way into his life. You know what? I can't do that. I just can't. I don't want to. I want him to want me there. I'm in a really bad mood. And I'm writing like a four year old. Fragmented sentences. I don't care.

So...things went a bit further down, but are now on the rebound.

That Thursday was especially brutal - it was meant to be the night that he kind of made up for being a bit scattered all week. He cooked me dinner and we went to see a movie. Just not a fun night. He was in a bad mood and really distracted while he was cooking - just couldn't have a normal conversation with the guy. Then, at least at the movie it seemed like things might pick up, as we were holding hands and laughing and seemed to kind of connect. Then he asked me to drop him off at home. I know that I can be a baby about that stuff (I just hate not ending the night together), but it was on level 10 because I felt so disconnected all week. Usually I'd just try to keep it down, not say anything but be quiet (passive-aggressive, I know), and try to make it home so I could cry on my own. Unfortunately, the hormones were raging and the tears started in the car. So he asked what was wrong and I was honest (for once!) about feeling disconnected and like I needed the time with him to feel better about us. He is so incredibly horrible in those situations. I know he's not trying to be insensitive, but whatever he winds up saying always makes things worse. In this scenario, he was trying to explain that he was tired and wanted to go straight to bed, and if he came to my place, he'd have to come out and take the dog outside with me (for like 5 minutes, and I never MAKE him come - he always volunteers!) -- putting it in those terms just made me angrier and I had one of those moments where I looked at him and thought, "can you really be THAT selfish?" I thought back to our first "discussion" at 4 or 5 months in when we had a really emotional conversation that was left unfinished, and in the morning he said, "just so you know I won't be able to talk about this tonight because I'm going to have a long day at work and be really stressed and I can't handle this tonight." Sigh, talk about showing one's true colors. It's just amazing to me that in some ways he's this totally introspective, tuned-in guy and in some ways, he just seems to have no common sense as to what would hurt someone's feelings or come accross as cold/insensitive. Very logical mind, that guy.

Anyway, Christmas went well overall and it was nice to spend it with him and see his family. We had another hiccup on Sunday related to his time management, but he came over last night and it went well. I think when it gets on a downward spiral, I just become so sensitive to everything that he does. It's like - I am NOT a clingy person, but sometimes when he gives me so little time, I feel like when he takes more of that time away, I get upset. And then I feel controlling/clingy if I get upset about the time. It's just frustrating. So yesterday I decided to focus on me, forget about him, and just re-center. I went furniture shopping, got stuff at Home Depot for a DIY bathroom project, and hit the gym. I planned on doing the project that night so that I wasn't worrying about him or if/when he'd come over. Of course, he wound up really want to come over earlier than usual, bringing me dinner, and offering to take the dog in the morning. Sigh. Sometimes you just have to let go.

So I drafted an email to send him while I'm out of town - opening up topics that we don't discuss - "us," "the future" -- you know, what I want. It's pretty good. Non-threatening but to the point -- asking for an open dialogue - what's on the table, what's not. Like dude, let's just TALK. Like friends. Friends who have been dating for 2.5 years and never talk about their feelings.

I can't hit send. I feel like I'm going to puke. I am such a coward.

I sent it. By far the most aggressive, open communication I have ever had with him. We'll see what happens. I feel slightly ill, but I also a bit numb. I know it will take him awhile to respond - he's working until late aft/early evening, and then I'm not sure if he'll write back or just call me. The point of doing it now was to give him time to digest it anyway. I can't see him coming up with a quickie response after waiting 2.5 years -- nor should he.

I'll be on edge until I hear something, but overall, I feel less scared than I thought I would be...we'll see how I'm doing in an hour....

So we talked.

It's so funny - I hung up the phone feeling like - okay, he didn't shut down, he communicated - and then I tried to tell my best friend what he said - finally, after having the conversation where I confronted him about every single question that I have been sitting on for years. And I couldn't really tell her because he didn't really say anything. He talked, but didn't say anything.

I think it comes down to him not knowing what he wants. Not being emotional. Not you know - really, truly being in love with me. And I don't think it's ME. I think it's him. I think it has eventually destroyed all of his relationships. Because while he can be a great "surface" boyfriend - respectful, thoughtful, affectionate, and caring - he just can't go deeper. And that wears you down. It kicks at your self-esteem. It leave you with an empty feeling deep down inside.

He wants to talk more. He didn't want to discuss it on the phone. Blah blah blah. It all seems like a cop out. I mean, at a certain point, isn't not being able to make a decision a decision in itself?

At this point, I feel more annoyed than sad. I kinda feel like - listen dude, I'm a great girl and I'm sure you will meet other great girls, but it seems like you'll just throw them all away. Or maybe not - maybe it's timing - maybe at 40, he feels okay with this pattern and at 50, he'll start to think - maybe I should think about committing to someone. I think I'm not willing to wait around for the next 10 years to find out.

So I sound all strong and you go girl right now, but I know it won't last forever. If this thing ends, I'm going to be so sad. And disappointed. And sad.

I guess we'll see what he says on our 5 hour drive tomorrow.

Blah.

Best conversation ever.

So best conversation ever may have been strong wording. That said, it was the best conversation that we've had in the course of this relationship.

It started off a bit rocky. When I asked his thoughts, he said all of these doom and gloom things - he knows he doesn't put enough emotional effort into the relationship, we're comfortable with each other but the relationship hasn't grown, we get along well but sometimes don't fully connect. I felt like a break up was coming at me head on. I kept my cool. I didn't cry. I waited for him to finish. He finally said, "I can see how you would be really frustrated with me. I probably don't put enough into this relationship and I don't like making plans for the future. And...I'm surprised you're not more frustrated with me. So....are you frustrated with me?" I told him that I wasn't frustrated that we weren't married or anywhere near it - but that my frustration stems more from not knowing where I stand. And, if he decided to move to Timbuktu, if I'd be a part of that decision. He said that of course I would and then told me about a possible scenario in which he may need to move in the next couple of years. I asked what would happen if that were the case, and he said we'd have to discuss it and make a decision together. I told him I was fine playing the supportive role in the relationship, as long as I knew I was supporting my life partner and not someone who is taking advantage of a comfortable situation.

We talked a lot about what we want for our futures overall and I think we are both a little lost in that sense - not fully sure if we are in the right careers or whether children are something we want. We are both fairly sure that's a no - but wonder if we'll regret the decision.

I don't know. It was just nice to talk. And though he wasn't completely comfortable, he was palpably more at ease when I told him that I wasn't pressuring him for a commitment. We talked about some of the day to day stuff too which was nice. I don't know. I just feel that things are open. Things are on the table. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sigh.

So, nothing is tangibly wrong. We had the conversation, I felt positive, and then as the days went on, that positive feeling was gradually replaced with the realization that I actually made no progress.

I was able to get in to see my therapist last night and basically he said, "okay, so essentially what you got out of the conversation is that he may move accross the country at some indeterminate time, and at that time, if you so choose, you can give up your career and life here, and follow him, and you may or may not be living together. But he's going either way. Where do your feelings and life fit into this scenario?"

Hmm. Good point, doc. He also said that JB's whole 40-life-crisis thing is coming because he hasn't made a decision. People around him have made the affirmitive decision to get married, have kids, do x, y, z....and he's sitting on a fence, not wanting to move one direction or the other. And that it's not fair that he can't make a decision about me.

Hmm. So then we got into - why would I be willing to accept this scenario? Spotlight on me. Well, clearly, I mean, I have some issues. But the way that he laid it out for me was almost eerie. It really hit home. Of course, it all goes back to my relationship with my father -- doesn't it always? I was always seeking that approval from him - and if I was good and quiet and didn't ask for anything, I got it. And I was the special one - my mom and brother couldn't do that, so he got mad at them and didn't value them. But I was the good one. I kept my mouth shut, played by the rules, and never gave him any trouble. I am repeating the same thing with JB. The problem is that I'm not going to get the same validation there. He doesn't care. Yeah, I think he thinks it's nice that I put no pressure on him, but it doesn't make him love me.

Doc also brought up that I seem to dismiss anything nice that is said about me (to be fair, he goes overboard on the compliments and it's a little annoying.), but I've set myself up in this relationship with someone whose reflection of me confirms all of my beliefs - that I'm not that special or important, that I'm disposable. I've set myself up to try to "solve" this problem, to make him realize how wonderful I am, and of course, receive the validation from him that I'm seeking. But as well know - gotta get that validation from within.

So, here I sit. Faced with my problems, knowing that I must act, but in some ways I am like JB, sitting on that fence -- scared to go one way or the other. And of course, he's being extra sweet - called last night even though he couldn't talk because he hadn't been able to call me early enough the night before. Making plans for tonight in a kind of celebration for the good review that I got at work. Being a good boyfriend, but just not the one who is going to love me the way that I should be loved.

Blah.

I am in a very bad place with this relationship. I have not been able to kick these feelings and it's causing me to be passive aggressive and irritable. I'm just so ANGRY.

I'm so mad at him. I'm so mad he's not willing to put forth effort. I am so mad that I am never the priority. I'm so mad that I just give and give and he takes and takes. I'm mad that he's obsessed with his business. I'm mad that he doesn't give me an 1/8 of the attention and energy and effort that he gives his business. 2.5 years of taking a backseat, being supportive, and understanding his needs - and where has it gotten me? Absolutely f-ing nowhere. Nowhere. "Thanks for being supportive - I really appreciate it." Oh hey - no problem - would you also like one of my kidneys? How about my soul? Anything else? Can I make you dinner? I mean, I know you'll show up an hour late, but let me go ahead and just get it ready for you.

Arghh...I sound like a jerk, but I'm just so tired of it all. And I'm so mad at myself that I can't just walk. Just say - you know what - this isn't a good deal for me, so I think I'll move along. But I'm getting closer to being okay with that. I know he's okay with that. I mean, that's the one thing that's clear, right? HE DOESN'T CARE. I mean, he's not a sociopath - I think he cares about me in the sense that we've spent a long time together, but if I walked, I think he'd shrug his shoulders and dig his heels into the business, and eventually meet someone else. No skin off his nose. That's what sucks - I'll be a wreck, crying, feeling awful, totally devastated and I'll know that he's a-okay.

After our phone conversation last night, I just cried and cried. And I thought to myself - I've been here before. When I broke up with someone else, I remember crying in the middle of the night - thinking, this is the worst pain. I never want to feel this pain again. I should just date someone boring and safe so that I never have to feel this pain again. So much for that.

I don't know what to do. There are no good options. I need help.

We broke up.

I am obviously devastated. One moment, I feel okay - like, this has been leading up for a long time and it's the right thing.

The next moment, I'm sobbing (in public venues - not pretty).

This is the worst pain known to man, it really is.

Hey, I'm sorry for you. Broke up too over the weekend and slept 14 hours last night.

You are right about the pain, but it will subside. Figure out where the worst point is/was (probably right about now) and start tracking your mood from there (upward trajectory, not that noticeable but it is there). You WILL be happy again. soon.

I'll read through some more of your posts and see if I can give you some words of wisdom. I don't need to know all the details right now, because I know (somewhat) what you are feeling.

Try doing something tonight to take your mind off of all of this.

Here is what I'm going to do

Have a drink with friends after work.

rent a movie. A comedy. get take out.

go to bed early. (i'm allowing myself alot of sleep without the guilt, but only this week)

and, I'm taking a sleep aid. I don't normally do this, but know that if I don't, I'll wake up at 3AM and the mind will start racing.

It will get better...

Men who will committ and love you are often seen as boring. You have to get past that to find a man who wants YOU!

^^

I think you're right. I generally am attracted to men with "big" personalities who are really outwardly interesting and challenge me intellectually, but those inner qualitities and common goals are really important, too. I will never be able to be with some guy just because I want someone there - they need to stimulate and interest me, but that can come in a variety of forms.

I have to say - at least since yesterday afternoon, I've been doing really well. The only thing that's still not working is my appetite - I haven't eaten more than a couple bites of anything in the past 3 days, but emotionally, I feel pretty dang good.

I just think I knew this had to happen for so long and I built up such HUGE fear for it to happen and then it did, and now it's over. Not completely over - I'm sure there will be moments of sadness and I don't think all of my crying is done, but I feel empowered.

I love him, I don't think he's a bad person, but I deserve someone who is willing to be my partner. And now I am open to meet that person (though I have no desire/intention) of doing so anytime soon.

Today, I am well.

I feel as though if I get it down on paper, I can go further and further into a place of peace and renewal.

He broke up with me on Saturday night. I knew it was coming and I didn't know it was coming. Our discussion on Thursday was pretty terrifying, we didn't speak on Friday due to our schedules and missed phone calls, and when he told me it might be a good idea to cancel our double date Saturday night to talk, I felt sick.

I'd known the moment had to come, but the thing is, you're never, ever ready. At least, I wasn't. He wanted to have dinner first which felt like torture. Really, two hours of sushi and meaningless conversation? On the walk home, he wanted to stop at the corner store for ice cream - I took this as a sign that maybe the breakup wasn't imminent. Late night ice cream is our thing. And in the store he was even cutesy with me - telling me I had to eat at least a few bites when I said I had no appetite.

It happened quickly once we got back to my place. We looked at each other, I said okay - so we have these issues, I want to try to work on them, how about you? He went on about the "lack of enough of a connection after 2 years, blah blah blah." I finally said, it doesn't seem like you want to work on it. He paused, looked at me long and hard and said "No, I'm sorry - I don't." That was it. That was when life changed.

Of course, we talked more. I cried. He asked how I was feeling (um, really?). But it was all very loving and caring - I asked him every single question that I could think of that may help me accept things. I asked why he couldn't even try at all. I asked if I could have done anything differently. He cried. It made me feel good to see him cry. He basically just held me while I sobbed, my body was wracked with tears. I was shaking. He kept saying he was sorry.

I asked him to stay the night. I took sleeping pills. We cuddled and eventually drifted to sleep. I knew it would be the last time. Everytime I thought of that, I cried. I woke with a start at 7am, and started crying (surprise). Eventually, when I had a moment of calm, we looked at each other, and he smiled at me. I told him, for the first time, "I love you." He said "I love you too, baby, I really do."

Eventually, he asked if I wanted to get up. I said "but then you're gone." He offered to go down the street to get coffee and the paper for us, while I took the dog outside. He came back, we read for a few minutes until I started crying again, at which point he asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk. I knew it was his way out, without me having to watch him walk out.

We took the dog to the park, and for a moment, I actually lost myself in the dogs' interactions - his theft of someone's tennis ball. The running and jumping. It was the first time we'd taken him to the park together. Hm. When he was done playing, we started heading towards my apartment, and though I knew that he wasn't coming back in, I guess I didn't think he'd stop so abruptly on the street corner, and look at me as if to say - "this is it." Obviously, tears once more. I told the dog to say goodbye. He looked at me and said "I want to talk. You can call me anytime you want to. And I'll call you." I nodded. He said "come here" and kissed me on the lips, then he turned away and walked in the other direction.

This was Sunday morning. I haven't spoken to him since. I don't think I'll call.