I have been meaning to write this for some time now but haven't gotten around to it. I hope it isn’t childish but I just wanted to share. Please don’t misunderstand the descriptions of myself. The sole purpose is to give you some background and not come across as someone who is ‘arrogant’
so here goes...
I'm a 26 year old happily married wife. I'm a first year Ph.D. student. I am very happy with the life God has given me and I am thankful most day (should be all days though). I have had a chance to travel to many different countries in the last few years and I am more than thankful and wish it upon everyone. So I am pretty open minded. I come from a Christian family but we are not very religious and weren't avid church go-ers. My parents were strict I think because I was the only girl in the family. so partying and drinking wasn’t part of my upbringing. I'm European. I’ve been told that I’m a ‘very attractive’ woman (comparisons to paulina porizkova ) (I have dark brown hair). I moved to the US during my first year of high school. Since then I have had the hardest time making friend. It is so difficult for me to meet people to the point where I wonder if something is seriously wrong with me. I knew several people in high school but had one ‘best friend’ who I’m still friends with but the rest of the ‘friendships’ ended when high school ended.
In high school I heard some people say that I was very intimating and that is why people didn’t approach to talk to me…etc… I a bit shy but can be quite funny I have always felt somehow different than the rest of the people my age so I couldn’t really relate to girls in high school. So high school ended, we moved out of the state, I started college. It got worse.
Note that I don’t drink or party so that excluded me from many college ‘invitations’. I think people used to wonder why I was so ‘weird’ and why I wouldn’t go out ‘clubbing’. There were some semesters where I can say that I was quite depressed. Everyone around me had ‘friends’ and here I was a young, beautiful 22 year old walking around campus by myself with no one to talk to. I probably ‘know’ 3-4 girls from my undergrad years of which only 1 who I’d consider a friend. (I also met my husband during that time which was the best thing that had happened to me!!!! ). Other than this small detail of not being able to make friends, everything else in my life has been great and I am thankful.
The ‘best friend’ I had since high school started changing a couple years ago…(by this time I have already moved out of the state). She also doesn’t drink or party either but she always had a large group of friends. They used to go out to eat, to the movies, sleep overs, birthday parties, travel etc… And she knew that I didn’t have many friends, but she kept telling me how busy she was with this friend, that friend, this person called her the other one call her …When I graduated with my bachelors she used to say that she doesn’t want to ‘walk in the ceremony’ of her graduation because ‘’ it’s not a big deal’’ not until she has a “higher degree”. So then she started a professional program and became extremely arrogant about what she was doing. She kept saying how busy she was with ‘her program’ and doesn’t have time to answer her phone…that ‘it’s not just any other graduate program (hint I was doing a graduate program at the same time)” Weeks would pass without her calling or returning my calls. After a while it became ridiculous...she used to make some silly excuse about why she didn’t return my call from 3 weeks ago when she said she would. She started lying to me and keeping things from me. I thought we were great friends and we used to share everything with each other. Even though we were in different states, I made sure she was involved in every part of my wedding planning but she almost excluded me from her recent wedding planning. She lied to me about applying to ‘her professional program’ telling me she still didn’t know what she wanted to do when the application deadline for that program was 4 months prior. She told me that had gotten accepted when she went to look for an apartment near that school.
1 hour ago - 4 days left to answer.
When I was finishing my masters degree, I mentioned that I was thinking of a Ph.D. program and her comment to me was “oh don’t worry about that now. Just relax, take time off, enjoy your husband and aren’t’ you having children”? you should have children. I want to see your babies etc… “ I think she always had to this sense of being superior and wanting to be a ‘doctor’ (which is the title ‘her professional program’ will give her and she told me before that that’s the title she wants). So she was suggesting that I don’t do the Ph.D. program and just start a family and be content with what I have. But I am not doing this program for the title, I truly enjoy the area that I am in. So because she has been keeping things, from me and lying to me. I have just kept a very neutral relationship by not sharing new information which I know will be taken with jealousy and without encouragement.
So its safe to say that this ‘friend’ also isn’t a friend and so I am down to 0 friends whom
I’ve known for many years and have shared life events with.
What am I doing wrong?
I was very supportive of her when she was deciding on a ‘professional program’. I used to send her cards out of the blue just to say I’m glad we are friends, send her flowers for her birthday. But little by little she started distancing herself, keeping things from me and I don’t know what I have done wrong. I am not the kind of person who changes or acts different around different people. I am the same at home as I would be outside. But she can be a one person to one friend a different person to another, given their different personalities.
I apologize for this long novel..but what am I doing wrong?
I understand why one might think that I am conceited based on my descriptions. But i did make note not to be misunderstood and it was just for 'background' purposes. Whenever I start the semester, I try to introduce myself to the people around me. Give some topic of conversation but that's how far it goes. I NEVER talk about how well i'm doing in school or 'look how far i've come etc..." the opposite is actually true... sometimes I downgrade what I do so that I don't make someone else feel bad. so I don't think I'm conceited.
But i think i have tried to be a good friend to this girl. I truly have. I remember spending hours crying and wondering what was happening, why she wouldn’t return my calls, tell me that she received my postcard, share her photos with me. She got engaged and it took her exactly
1 year to send me 7 photos because she was soo ‘busy’. But I guess these things are standing out to me because I don’t have many friends and was desperately trying to hold on to this one.
Thank you again