Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

Ack, I feel like absolute crap now. E-mail from husband below:

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Over these past two days, I've considered moving out in October, and some of the thoughts here were intended to be in my farewell letter to you.

I realize that this has been a bumpy ride for both of us. It's been difficult for me to get past what you've done, and the whole negotiation regarding the name change - and your failure to keep your word - has left me bitter and has exacerbated my worst assumptions about you. Earlier this year, I told myself that I was going to leave you if you did not take on my name, and there have been nights that I've laid awake, cursing myself for allowing one more core compromise.

I really have tried these past few months to trust you again. I try this not only for you, but also for me - the paranoia tugs at something deep inside me, and the fear and anxiety facilitates my own dark impulses. In these weak moments, there have been times that I've tried to convince myself that I don't care if you're unfaithful - that I love you enough and take away enough positive things from this relationship that I can simply look the other way like a stepford wife. But, in my sober and honest moments, I understand that this isn't me. If marriage is a negotiation, then these are my terms: I expect you to remain faithful to me and, if you don't think that's realistic for you, I expect you to be honest with yourself - to be a person of integrity - and leave me. Marital Fidelity is one of my key values. I hope it's one of yours, but if it's not - if you view marriage as a false convention, and monogamy as unnatural - then I expect you to be an honest person and acknowledge that to me.

As I said up top, I had originally intended to leave a note very similar to this on the coffee-table as I left the house. But, deep down, I don't want our live together to be over. It's more than just "good enough." It's filled with love, happiness, comfort and meaning. If you take stock of all we've accomplished, it's hard to be cynical and easy to be proud. When I called you a failure the other week, it came from a very dark place. I am proud of and share in your many accomplishments.

I'm not going to give you an ultimatum - I've tried that in the past - but I will let you know that I am still very troubled and expect some reaction from this e-mail. Something needs to change very shortly. I can't continue living like this.

Did you cheat on him?

What did you reply? Or have you?

So, why do you feel like crap? Did you cheat? He sounds very honrable? Can't you be faithful and take his name? He sounds like a great guy.

Sorry for not providing a backstory. Yes, I was unfaithful and had a brief affair a little over a year ago. I told him about it and we've been trying to get back on track but everything has been so difficult. I vacillate between not knowing whether I want to be married and feeling extremely guilty and remorseful.

I have not been in contact with the other man ever since, but as you can see, our marriage has continued to suffer.

So, why do you feel like crap? Did you cheat? He sounds very honrable? Can't you be faithful and take his name? He sounds like a great guy.

He is extremely honorable and wonderful. The name change thing has to do with the fact that when we married, I told him that I wanted to keep my last name (something I felt very strongly about). Two years after our marriage I cheated, at which point he demanded that I change my last name in order to set things "right."

It sounds like he's willing to work on the marriage-are you?

You need to decide what you want. If you don't he is going to decide for you.

I feel sorry for him - he is clearly in a lot of pain.

It looks to me based on the genuine writing of this letter and your going back and forth, that you don't love him enough.

Why don't you just take his last name?? I mean, if I were sooo in love with a man, I'd want to be everything of his - I want to be complete with him. You don't sound like that - so why are you even married?

You cheated on him, yet he is willing to work on the relationship. Sounds like you will lose alot. So what else is so great out there?

One of the most honest and heartfelt letters I have read in a while. I see his struggle and his pain that this has caused him and you, however can I ask what the reluctance is to change your last name legally to his? He is looking for reassurance and love from you, are you fully able to give to him with both feet in the door, firmly planted and not looking for a way out?

Or do you feel bad because you indeed cannot give him more.

I say that you don't sound that in love with him either, and don't sound like you really want to be married. What are you clinging to with him?

You need to be honest like he asks. He deserves that much.

It's important to realize you'll lose a lot, but what's more important is taking the time to realize whether you even want this or not. Be honest with yourself, like he has asked you to be. You owe him that much.

This is so sad to read - I think you should think about what is best for him, I feel sorry for him...

Taking his name won't matter if he thinks she is going to be unfaithful in the future again. She is not giving an overall feeling of wanting to be with him. Something is lacking. A name is change is a step...not THE step.

Maverick

I say that you don't sound that in love with him either, and don't sound like you really want to be married. What are you clinging to with him?

 

You need to be honest like he asks. He deserves that much.

More backstory: he is my first and only long-term relationship. We've been together for close to nine years--lots of bumps and hiccups along the way. To be honest, I married him precisely because I thought the Hollywood ideal of romantic love was ridiculous and that here I had something real and stable and reliable.

By no means are either of us perfect--yes, I cheated and I will never forgive myself for having caused him so much pain, but there were plenty of difficulties we experienced way, way before this. In terms of what I'm clinging to, I guess I ask myself the same question every day. I don't want to cause him any further pain by leaving, and I also don't want to make any decisions on a whim. If marriage takes work and time, I want there to be some kind of certainty here. At this point in my life, I don't feel certain of anything, and it kills me.

Also, for the record, I have not been acquainted with the OM since well over a year ago and there is zero possibility of further infidelity, but the issue continues to arise, because (understandably) my husband doesn't believe I am committed to our marriage.

If that's the case, I would talk to him, ask for counselling together, and remind him very often of your decision not to cheat anymore. You may be paying "community service" by reassuring him so often, but it's nothing compared to the pain he feels.

And if you aren't certain, then leave, and let him get on.

Taking his name won't matter if he thinks she is going to be unfaithful in the future again. She is not giving an overall feeling of wanting to be with him. Something is lacking. A name is change is a step...not THE step.

 

Maverick

My thoughts are that the name change is a band-aid over a gaping wound. There are lots of serious issues in our marriage that I think we need to address--I have repeatedly suggested marital counseling, but I know that he is fearful and reluctant of going to a professional. Honestly, avoidance has been the primary tactic here--pretending it didn't happen and going on like things are normal until someone explodes.

He knew I felt very strongly about keeping my maiden name before we got married, so I think that my changing my name would symbolize me giving away something important in order to remedy what I took from him.

I understand that keeping your name was important to you - but you keeping your marriage vows was at least as important to him.

Just as a wedding ceremony has important symbolic meaning as well as real meaning - so his asking you this has both symbolic and real meaning to him.

Marriage counseling will not work so long as he doubts your commitment. A counselor cannot make him believe you - only you can. And it is clear you are not emotionally committed to him. It's not even clear that you love him. The physical cheating is only one part of the marriage vows that you broke. You also broke the promise to love him.

You cheated on him, yet he is willing to work on the relationship. Sounds like you will lose alot. So what else is so great out there?

For the record, I don't necessarily think anything is better "out there." I don't want to leave him for another person, and the infidelity shattered both of us. There have been a ton of doubts (on my part) about this relationship, and I have been uncertain as to whether or not those doubts had to do with my own insecurities or something that was legitimately amiss in the marriage. I think the fact that I am still not 100% certain makes me feel like a complete a$$h*le.

I agree with the name change thing - it's a plaster on an amputation. If you do it, he still won't feel better because it's only symbolic of fidelity not fidelity itself. Plenty of people who take their partners last name cheat.

Maybe if you agreed to hyphenate? Or ask him to take yours if having a single suirname is of such importance.

Ultimately, it sounds like you need to put in a lot of work to prove that your moment of madness was only that. You also need to seek help in healing. To heal a boil you have to lance it - the poison from this is still there and you need to get it out.

There is zero possibility that I will be unfaithful to him again but

so what does the but mean???

There is zero possibility that I will be unfaithful to him again but

 

so what does the but mean???

My page timed out before I could actually finish what I was typing. I was going to continue:

"but the damage has already been done, and my feelings of doubt have less to do with me having an idea of there being something 'better' out there for me than me wondering if this means that I just shouldn't be with anyone at all."

I really don't think it fair to keep this good man in limbo while you decide what it is you want. What about what he wants? He has been hurt enough.

What was the extent of the cheating??

And a person has to be able to forgive themselves and learn from their mistakes. You can't crucify yourself for the rest of your life.