1st time boyfriend abused me, gave me a fat lip!

ok im not going to get into details about everything.

pretty much we went out tonight with our friends and got drunk. i started getting mad and bringing up how hes lied to me... we were broken up for 2 years almost and he lied to me about this girl he was having sex with while we were broken up, which i know is none of my business.

anyways, hes lied and lied about it and finally tonight he finally admitted it. i lost control and hit him a couple times. i know this is wrong but i usually punch his stomach or chest or something like this but tonight i hit his face. i just lost control and i feel terrible.

in his self defense he hit me back in the face, and now i have a swolen fat lip. i am so embarrassed, i feel like i caused it and started it. i dont think hes an abusive guy but i think i lead him to this.

we've been violent before but never like this, maybe a couple shoves or i hit him in the body, never in the face or never as hard as i did tonight.

im upset because he left marks and a swolen lip and i dont know what to tell people tomorrow about it ... i feel upset because i hit him and its not okay...

any advice?

You both need to seek out help for controlling your aggression. And seriously consider that if you bring out such violent tendancies in each other are you really right for each other?

Whilst I never condone a man hitting out at a woman, if the violence is going both ways then no blame can be apportioned... if you have done this to him before and he's not hit out before, he has probably just reached the end of his rag, which mean it will probably happen again if you don't deal with it now!

As for the fat lip...you will have to make the age old excuses- walked into a door? And hope no one probes further, cos I'm sure you don't want the whole world to know!

My ex and I went through a similar rountine, it was just a few silly little things...he would say things to hurt me but nothing I said hurt him...because he didn't care...so I lashed out to try and make him feel the way I felt...eventually he hit back and I ended up with a fat lip...I was so ashamed and felt it was my fault...I learnt my lesson and stopped doing it, and he felt really bad...so we never did anything about it, we just moved on. 6 months later when we were having a huge row he threw me accross the room, I crashed into the tv and it broke on top of me...I knew things would only get worse from there and we broke up!

Uh sorry but you hit him first, and before that you aggravated him intentionally.

He didn't abuse you, you abused him

You get no sympathy from me.

i dont think hes an abusive guy

From what you've written, I don't either.

But I think you are and this relationship is unhealthy for both of you.

You need to get help, both of you, separately and together.

Hi BCC,

Believe it or not I do sympathise with what you two are going through.

I unfortunately have first hand experience of this, my now ex girlfriend used to do the same to me when she's been drinking, and it was over a previous girlfriend that had nothing to do with her (ended long before she came on the scene)

It didn't happen often but when it did it was awful, I've been kicked/punched/slapped had my face scratched, and was verbally abused because she'd get jealous about nothing, didn't know how to control her aggression and would lash out.

Like BellaStranger and her ex, we didn't do anything about it, she was always sorry, promised that she'd never do it again, just left it hoping it would never return.... it did! 4 times I was abused, the last time was just before Christmas last year and it was bad, my face was totally scratched up again, she had bruises where I'd been trying to hold her back, was awful. I had to make the usual excuse to my friends " I was drunk and fell into a bush ha ha.." but that did it for us. within 2 months we'd split (she dumped me and I got the blame? bad boyfriend?no trust?). I was mentally a complete mess because of it all, and my personality had changed because of it, I'd gone from being, happy,confident,caring,gentle loving guy to someone who was depressed,clingy,needy,angry, started drinking heavily to try and cope and was not looking after myself etc.

And I know I shouldn't care but I was so worried about what it was doing to her, her head was in a bad place, she was making herself ill because of it. it was not a happy time at all near the end!

I really do love and miss my ex, but she needs help to manage her anger ( I think she knows that deep down) and I hope she's managing to sort it out I really do, and yeah I do forgive her. Wont forget in a hurry but I do forgive.

Almost 7 months on I'm still recovering from the mental trauma of that, I have stress shakes in my hands still, still trying to work it all out, I couldn't defend myself against my girlfriend?she hit me?but I'm a man, I should be able to defend myself? it is the most soul destroying thing that's happened to me, the woman I love with all my heart abused me, how do you get over that?? so much more things like that in my head

Your boyfriend will be feeling the same way I'd imagine, and although he may not show it, he will be very very hurt inside, will feel weak and his self esteem will be shot to pieces.

If I were you and it's only a suggestion, I'd take a break away from each other for a while, and go sort you out before it gets worse because it will, if he's lashing back that's him now at the end of his tether. Don't end up like my ex and me, go get some help before it's too late and something worse happens.

Take Care

P

Hey, BBC. Are you feeling better? Are you still with your boyfriend right now? Are you sober?

I see a few things with your post that I think you should really look into.

Do you normally get this way when drinking? I'm just wondering if maybe you need to control your drinking better. This is up for you to decide but I'd take a deep look at how you act while you are drinking and if you know your limits.

Even though your boyfriend and you got back together, it seems like you two still have a lot of old wounds. I understand this completely as I was broken up with my boyfriend for several months and he dated a girl and kissed another girl during that time. Have you truly forgiven him for the break up itself? Can you tell us more about what happened and who broke up with who and why?

Lastly, it's wrong to hit. And, from your post, it sounds like you do this often? (I normally hit him in the stomach). How often? How often do you have fights with him? How often do you have fights with him about this girl? And how many of your fights is alcohol involved?

i do not do this alot, or ever. only when we get in big fights and i lose my temper which is like twice a year, we hardly ever fight.

and i know it was wrong of me to hit first and when i said normally, i was just saying like in the body area, never in the face or groin or anything.

and alcohol was a factor but we get drunk together like 2 or 3 times a week and never fight...

i just feel like this is going to weigh on my mind and im going to hold it against him forever and i dont know if we should continue. we were together for 3 years, broke up for almost 2 and have been together for a year again in november .... i love him and want to work things out but i also feel like he needes to suffer the consequences of him lying to me.

hes out partying right now, having a blast getting drunk while im at home because i have a huge bruise around my mouth and i dont want to explain this to my friends ....

You do realise that none of this is right. You only hit him in places it won't be seen? Seriously? It's alcohols fault?

Reading you justify your own physical abuse (none of your excuses excuse your behaviour) while saying how you will probably hold this over him and want to make him suffer for it...

I want to tell your bf to run and warn any future ones.

You need to fight in a healthy manner, not an abusive one. And stop drinking.

again ive only ever hit him twice since we've been together adn talked which is 6 years... we hardly ever fight and i hit him NOT in places it wont be seen but NOT in places where it will really hurt him, like i would never WANT to hit his face or groin because i couldnt, i wouldnt want to. thats why im surprised it was okay for him to go for my face.

and i dont like full out punch, u have to realized im 110 lbs and 5'3. i just shove him because he gets in my face and shouts in my face.

the fight started because he lied to me, hes BEEN lying to me and finally admitted it. so the fight started because of him and i have every reason to be mad but he had no reason to hit me in the face OR lie to me.

Look, you are physically abusive.

You want us to say that your bf is abusive because he hit you once, but want us to say that the times you hit him are ok. It's not. He doesn't get a pass because he did it once, but you don't get a pass because you are a girl.

Frankly, you both need to sort out how to be in a healthy relationship. I highly doubt it's with each other.

the fight started because he lied to me, hes BEEN lying to me and finally admitted it. so the fight started because of him and i have every reason to be mad but he had no reason to hit me in the face OR lie to me.

But you had no reason to hit him either. Rationalizing it by saying you didn't hit him in the face or groin does not excuse it. Would you be ok with it if he hit you as hard as he could in your back? I know I wouldn't.

we've been violent before but never like this

So you both need to look into some anger management/domestic violence treatment then. Otherwise this is only going to get worse.

Hi BCC,

You sound like my ex if I’m honest, she didn’t think she’d done anything wrong when she hit me, after all I had to pay my dues for her having to know that I’d dated girls before her that she didn’t find acceptable??? So she hit me, hey it’s justified isn’t it?? After all even though I wasn’t with her it’s still my fault, so really I should put up and shut up eh!

Totally acceptable behaviour to punch/kick someone because she got jealous and couldn’t control her aggression, what do you reckon?

The fight started because you’d been drinking and your emotions got the better of you, that’s how my ex got.

Your ex lied to you? he didn't have to tell you anything (I think I’d deny all if I thought a punch/kick was coming at some point!)

As much as you hate to think of him with someone else, it really had nothing to do with you if you guys were broken up, so why get so mad at him for something that had nothing to do with you? Why ask about another girl when he wasn’t with you? What’s the point?

This statement is kind of what I got from my ex : i also feel like he needs to suffer the consequences of him lying to me.

You are trying to justify your actions with that statement, trying to convince yourself that it’s okay to hit him as he needs to pay for what he did to you? That’s wrong! And you’re blaming him for reacting to you hitting him, he’s punched back, instinctive reaction for him now, so it will get worse if this carries on. You need to stop drinking, and get help with your anger, if your arguing gets heated, walk away, just walk away and calm down.

If you cant leave his past where it belongs - in the past then you will have no future together. Trust me on that one. Stop blaming him for your actions and get some help

P

again ive only ever hit him twice since we've been together adn talked which is 6 years... we hardly ever fight and i hit him NOT in places it wont be seen but NOT in places where it will really hurt him, like i would never WANT to hit his face or groin because i couldnt, i wouldnt want to. thats why im surprised it was okay for him to go for my face.

 

and i dont like full out punch, u have to realized im 110 lbs and 5'3. i just shove him because he gets in my face and shouts in my face.

 

the fight started because he lied to me, hes BEEN lying to me and finally admitted it. so the fight started because of him and i have every reason to be mad but he had no reason to hit me in the face OR lie to me.

So? Twice is twice too much.

I don't care if you're 3 feet 60 pounds. It's not what's going to hurt and what's not, it's the fact that you get physical when you're angry. YOU had no reason to hit him in the face. You really need to start taking more responsibility for the things that you do and stop twisting the situation to play in your favor.

Neither of you are justified in hitting the other. You want to play the victim now. I'm not buying it.

If this happens when you're drinking, then a very simple answer is to don't drink! Alcohol causes more problems in relationships than probably anything else. It's really not worth the trouble it causes.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and maybe both of you need to get away from each other.... go your separate ways.....

He had no rights punching you in the face but neither did you. I don't either of you are ready for a committed relationship because the major components aren't presented, which are communication, honesty and mutual respect. IC (individual counseling) would be a good suggestion so you don't repeat the same behavior with the next man and who knows what may be his reaction (it can be worst than your bf's).

This is why it's not kool hitting us back... sure I can sting a man with a well-positioned punch (perhaps some redness) but if he retaliated in the same way, I'm on the receiving end of the stick looking ugly with a messed-up bruised face for about 1-2 weeks. Some get stupid and don't realize their brute force so I wouldn't start a fight unless it's actually necessary... if my life is threatened or someone tries killing/hurting a family member then that's a good reason to become violent.

You have wrong , y women think its ok to hit a man,and once the man slap them back they always have to make an issue, he is human as well, dont hit hiom and he will not hit you ok chps

What a sad state of affairs. I think you wanted to find comfort and sympathy here, but you know that you are wrong. You say so yourself. However, the more we attack you the more defensive you get and the more you think you are right. You need to stay broken up.

Instead of looking toward why you were right, maybe you should look at why he lies. Maybe it's because you don't trust him? Maybe it's because you're violent? Maybe it's cause you're prone to drinking? Who knows? It might even be that he's had some previous trauma.

Re-read your post. The first thing you write is about drinking and how you instigated. Whether you realize it or not, that is what is important, you INSTIGATED. Lying is wrong, but violence is never the right answer. I've been angry while drunk and I've never hit someone in that anger. Is you being drunk your excuse?

Hi there,

I'm 23 and in a similar situation. If you'd like to chat IM me.

My live in bf and I get into little arguments every couple weeks or so. Two weekends ago I bugged and bugged him poking and proding at him and eventually slapping him and hitting him.

Tonight I staggered up the stairs with two loads of laundry in my hands and a stabbing pain in my stomache. I called for his help and he told me 3 minutes. Aggravated, I walked upstairs with a handful of laundry and threw it at him.

I brought up the rest and told him I needed his help and was in pain and not to forget who washes his clothes.

When he told me it was my job and to suck it up and do it, I whipped a pillow case at him and he moved and I accidently whipped my puppy. She started crying and he got really mad. I hit him with the pillow case again and he jumped up and wrestled me really hard to the ground. Somewhere through it all my lip ended up bleeding and now I have a fat lip...

We want to get married, we're already living at my family's house together and have two dogs together. We've only been together six months. I want to marry him and he is the nicest guy in the world, I am scared we bring this out in each other... even though he apologized and realized right away it was a huge mistake.

A lot of the comments on here are super negative and not helpful... I don't know or care what any of you say in reply to this, or what you don't say. I just wanted to share my bit... know that if you are scared for your safety or health you must leave. I know we have to communicate and seek more options/help. Be open minded to change...

My relationship is healthy. We communicate, laugh, talk, share, share passion, love, trust, cook, play, eat, sleep, work, clean & more together. Our relationship truly, deeply is one of the healthier ones out there... I truly believe that so in order for my post to be completely true I'd like for you to believe that, too.

What do you do when a healthy relationship shows some negativity?

You find a therapist to help you deal with immature acts like hitting and slapping.