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Thread: why does she keep lying to me??

  1. #1
    xcci
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    why does she keep lying to me??

    Sorry this may be a little long, but please if you guys have the time, I really need some help...

    so near the start of the relationship I asked my girlfriend about her past and she told me. I wasn't too happy, but it was bearable and I totally forgot about it and we both had an amazing time. But after awhile I heard something about her past which absolutely contradicted what she said to me. I asked her about it and after countless times of denying it, she finally admitted it was true. I was furious that she'd lie to me about something like this, and we got into a huge argument about it.


    But eventually everything settled down. I sat her down and asked her. "Is there anything else you've lied about? I promise I won't judge you, but you can't keep lying to me like this." and she looked me right in the eye and said, "no there's nothing else i swear. I realize my mistake and I'll never lie to you again because I know you'll accept me no matter what I've done in the past". So I asked her if it's okay that I call up one of her exes and ask him if that story was true. She said, "of course, I'll never lie to you again because I love you".

    So an hour or so later I call up her ex, and explained the situation. He talks to me for a bit and comes over to my house and shows me texts from my girlfriend right after our conversation telling him not to tell me everything else they did. At this point I was....almost losing control. How could she look me in the eye and lie like that??? I called her immediately and began yelling at her for lying to me like that. But eventually...somehow I calmed down again and forgave her. And she said all the same things. "I learned my lesson, I'll never lie to you again", etc etc.

    But I just couldn't let this go. It kept occupying my mind, and one day while thinking about what she told me. I realized that they didn't make sense. She had to be still lying to me. So when I saw her that day I asked her about it. She kept saying things like, "Oh i don't remember what happened" (which was obviously a lie). But I insisted that she explain why two things she told me didn't make sense. And eventually she admitted to yet another thing she kept from me.

    I sat her down again and asked her in a calm, patient manner, "Ok you really have to just stop lying to me. It's your past, I won't judge you for it but you can't just keep secrets from me". Eventually she admitted that she made out and did things with this guy that she now considers a "brother". I don't know if that's just me.....but isn't that a little screwed up? Making out with your brother...??? I wasn't even mad anymore I was just weirded out.

    In a nutshell, she lied to me four times. Each time, insisting that that was the end of it. That there was no more and that she'd never betray my trust again because she loves me. But obviously something had to change because I couldn't trust her anymore. I asked her not to talk to any of her exes anymore because it made me uncomfortable. She gladly agreed. But recently one of my friends told me he saw her having a nice long conversation with one of her exes. I sat her down again and asked her about it in a completely calm manner. I told her, "I know you're not the kind of person to be able to just ignore someone like that and cut them off completely, so I'll understand if you did. Please just tell me". And of course she starts lying to me again. But I keep questioning her and she eventually admits it. And this was all months after the first four times she lied. I thought this was all in the past and that she'd stop lying to me. Obviously not.

    I tried to talk to her about her compulsive lying and how it's really starting to become a serious problem. I asked her how she could just lie to my face over and over again like that. Saying things like, "I love you and I'd never lie to you". I mean....who the f*** can even do that??? Does she not have a single ounce of moral fiber in her body?? I just seriously don't understand her need to constantly lie to me when I'm trying to comfort her and be understanding.

    But today when I talked to her about it, she began crying (which she always does) and screaming at me. She said that it's scary when I'm angry and that's why she always lies to me. I admit, I did grab her once and yell at her to stop lying to me and I regret that. I've already apologized multiple times for that. But I've NEVER struck her or even hinted at the possibility. I do get violent when I get pushed over the limit, but I never let her see me like that. And I've never hit a person, I just beat the crap out of my punching bag and blast music to vent. So I don't understand where that is even coming from...

    Can I even trust this girl anymore? I handled the situation a little roughly at first because I couldn't accept the fact that she lied to me like that, but after once or twice I decided to try being understanding. But she STILL continued to lie to me. Am I doing something wrong? Because at this point I'm just confused and I really need some advice.

  2. #2
    DN

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    In the first place it isn't your business what she did with her ex, you have no right to cross examine her and you should under no circumstances grab her violently - no wonder she won't tell you anything.

    You owe her a huge apology and need to stop acting as if you own her now and have a right to know her past.

    There is only one person in the wrong here and that is you.

  3. #3
    pl3asehelp

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    Though it may not be your business, if she's offered to discuss it, I would, like you, expect what she told me to be the truth. Otherwise, yeah, she's just lying to you and that alone is a very valid basis to lose trust in a person.

  4. #4
    xcci
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    Quote Originally Posted by DN [Register to see the link]
    In the first place it isn't your business what she did with her ex, you have no right to cross examine her and you should under no circumstances grab her violently - no wonder she won't tell you anything.

    You owe her a huge apology and need to stop acting as if you own her now and have a right to know her past.

    There is only one person in the wrong here and that is you.
    I realize it was my mistake of asking her the details in the first place. I've learned my lesson about asking a girl her past because you're never going to like the answer. But I don't think I continued to ask because I really wanted to know her past. I just wanted her to stop lying to me and I couldn't force myself to stop questioning until I got the truth. And I already gave her multiple apologies for grabbing her, but I was just furious after she lied right to my face and went behind my back, telling the other guy not to tell me.

    I felt like I didn't even know her anymore. We had this kind of unspoken agreement where when we look each other in the eye and ask, "are you lying to me?" we have to tell the truth. No matter how bad it is, and I always thought that was sacred. I've told some lies here and there as well, but I always ended up telling the truth when she asked that. I just wouldn't be able to continue lying after looking her in the eye. But she broke that agreement like it was nothing.

  5. #5
    IBAMIE
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    While I can agree that her past is not exactly relevant to your relationship, if you ask her something about her past and she tells you something, she should be honest. If she has lied to you on numerous occasions that you know about, it would be safe to wonder if she has lied to you about other things. The way I see it, if you lie to somebody about something that has nothing to do with them and has little consequence on anything to do with your relationship, then what else will you lie about? So I don't blame you for being upset that she continues to lie to you. But its not as if you have to sit there and accept it. You're not married to her and have no real commitment to her. So leave. It's really that simple. Rather than try and force her to "be honest" with you, why not stop wasting your time with someone who doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you?

  6. #6
    DN

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    She broke that agreement because she's scared of you.

  7. #7
    xcci
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    Quote Originally Posted by DN [Register to see the link]
    She broke that agreement because she's scared of you.
    She broke that agreement before I grabbed her or showed any signs of being violent.

  8. #8
    DN

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    Quote Originally Posted by xcci [Register to see the link]
    She broke that agreement before I grabbed her or showed any signs of being violent.
    Was that before or after you yelled at her.

    Have you yelled at her before over anything else?

  9. #9
    xcci
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    I suppose I have yelled at her before. Maybe once or twice, but it's definitely not a regular thing. And okay I guess being scared is a legitimate reason, but enough so to continue lying like that? Even when I'm being as considerate as possible and swear that I won't flip out or anything. And the reason I got mad was because of the fact that she lied. So I don't understand why she would lie again, unless she wanted to make me mad. Wouldn't it be smarter to just tell the truth?

  10. #10
    metrogirl
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    I don't understand your obsession with her past.

    Now I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with the whole "brother" thing, but the past should be off limits.

    And if you keep yelling at her and grilling her like a hotdog, you can expect one of two things,

    she's either going to keep lying to you

    or she's going to be your ex.

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