I dumped him because I loved him too much

I've been reading this forum now for a month as my daily dose of reality and my own little self-help group. I iniated NO CONTACT but... now here's a shocker... I dumped him.

I've never experienced love at first sight but this sure came close to it. From the moment I saw him turn around in the restaurant, I was smitten. He is beautiful. Yeah, unemployed and under motivated to change his life. Lives out of a few boxes and rents a room from someone. But, other than that he is wonderful. Every thing we do is fun and every conversation is stimulating. He's passionate in private and attentive in public.

We went everywhere together. He tried to pay for things when he could. I just wanted to hold on to this beautiful man and best friend. After three months I confessed my love. I waited another three months to hear it back. Nine months later, he was still unemployed and lost a job offer because his car broke down. I loaned him money to repair the car. I had gotten a promotion at work and was doing very well financially. I purchased my first home. I asked him if he wanted to help me move. He said, "Not really." I was crushed. I'm there to help him but he won't return the favor.

Things went sour. I lost him emotionally. He was distant, even cruel. He started making comments about my less than perfect body, saying that I should eat this or that and work out more often. He had lots of time to run and work out. I was always working and meeting with realtors, bank and title companies, etc. Working out was the last thing on my mind. I was feeling like he wasn't attracted to me physically. It snowballed. I couldn't save it. I lost my self quickly. I lost that sexy quality I had. I reverted back to that insecure child and lost the passion and confidence. I couldn't make him see me the way he used to. He couldn't even bring himself to make love to me on my birthday.

So I ended it and asked for no contact. I deleted him out of my phone and facebook. It's been a month. I miss him. I am so tempted to call and say I made a mistake. I love him. Why would someone break up with someone they love? It happens. I am proof. I broke up with him because I knew that he didn't love me enough. It was too painful to love him. He didn't see me. I don't know what he saw but it wasn't me. I needed distance so I could stop loving him. It's a self-preservation thing. Get out now before I disappear completely. Had anyone ever done this before? Any advice?

What I want to do is diet and exercise myself down to his ideal woman just to show him what he's missing. I may have done the "dumping" but he left me months ago.

Yes, I have to admit that I have done this. It is very hard to admit. I told my boyfriend I was breaking up with him because I thought he cheated on me, but I really broke up with him because I didn't think he loved me enough.

He says he "knew" I was going to break up with him and put up a wall, claims he never cheated on me and never would, but soon got with a woman he had been "friends" with that I was suspicious of.

I have to tell you, your ex sounds a lot like mine. He is very passionate and boyish and it's that passion that makes me nuts about him. But he's also irresponsible, underdeveloped, and just clueless.

He was extremely attentive, touchy-feely, emotive and romantic.

But when I went on a trip and came back, it seems he had shut down and was already blocking me out emotionally. Yet he says he didn't set me up to break up with him. He says he wasn't interested in anyone else.

To be honest, in my heart of hearts, I don't think he loves me. I think he loved the idea of me---the former school teacher, goody goody church woman---but the reality of me as a person isn't worth the effort.

He wasn't there for me when I needed him. It was all about him. On his terms, he was very giving, but when it counted, he was lazy and didn't put in the effort. He also has low self-esteem and doesn't take care of his health, which had been a concern but I was willing to work with him as we all have bad habits and at least he didn't drink or smoke or do drugs while we were dating.

But to address your post directly--I don't think it's up to him to tell you to lose weight! He has a lot of nerve.

I agree that he emotionally left you months ago.

I think in both of our cases, we are actually the "emotionally dumped." We may be the official dumpers, but to be completely honest, I think we know we were not loved the way we deserved to be loved. We knew it was just fun and games with no real effort on their parts. It's all about what they want when they want it, but when we require something of them, they will not do it.

So maybe it's the best thing that you broke up with him without an explanation. I told mine last week that I do love him and now I regret it a little since he's with the woman he got with when I dumped him. Seems I made a fool of myself for basically apologizing for dumping him when he emotionally cheated on me (whether he denies it or not).

Sorry if I am stealing your post. I just feel my story is relevant to yours.

You broke up with someone you love because, intuitively, you know he doesn't love you as much as you love him. It is self-preservation, but it's hard to be with someone you know takes you for granted. He may care, but you probably care more. I don't mean to hurt you. Did he say anything when you left? Even try to protest? Mine said he'd thought I would leave anyway, so that just showed me he wasn't even willing to fight for me, especially since he moved on so fast.

It could just be that you are assuming he checked out when he really didn't, but from what you posted, I think you did the right thing. You had to do it because he didn't have the guts.

I should have dumped mine for the same reason. In the end, he dumped me for another woman.

Shandi/Womanwriter/dancingolors - You all say you dumped your ex because you loved them too much, moe than they loved you......If he showed you the love you wanted down the line, would you ever consider reconciling with him?

Womanwriter: Thank you so much for taking the time to explain your situation. Yeah, it sounds like we were in the same boat. They took what they needed, when they needed it but were unwilling to give. All I wanted was to feel loved. I guess we all want that. I felt like I was his best friend. He wanted to have fun with me, sex ocassionally, and... well... nothing past that. He didn't see a future with me. If he did he would have been willing to help me move into my house. It could have been his house if he saw some sort of future. That was huge red flag #1.

Once I had the fantasy stripped from my eyes, I started to see other flags. There were a lot. When I asked him if he was attracted to me, if he thought I had gained weight, he said, "Well... you can lose it right?" I said, "Yeah, of course I can. I've lost 15 lbs dating you but have recently put back on 7 with all the stress and issues with buying the house. But... I don't want my weight to be a factor in our relationship." I wanted to be mean and say hurtful things like, "You can get a job right?"

There at the end, when we were trying to work things out I was going to take him to San Francisco for a fun weekend. He said, "Well, I'm going to SF, it may as well be with you." What? San Fransico is the priority and I'm the option. You've got to be kidding. That's when I did the dumping. I explained everything. He didn't fight for me. He wanted to stay friends. I told him that I have lots of friends and need to end contact so I can move on.

The trouble is... the longer I go NC the more I forget the bad stuff. I keep reliving the good. The way he held me, kissed me, spooned me in bed.

dancingcolors: yeah, I really felt like I was avoiding a much more painful betrayal later when he ends up cheating on me. I've been cheated on so I know the signs. I run like hell when I see them.

Mark: yes, I want to reconcile. I still love him. That's why I'm here. I hope someone will talk me out of it and tell me I did the right thing. I want him back even if I lose my self respect in the process. I want one more night with him. One more night back when I was convinced he loved me. Could he ever convince me he loved me again? Eyes don't lie. He didn't look at me the same way.

My guy told me he never loved me and he loves his new woman. That was so hard to hear. I wouldn't do it You will only hurt yourself.

"I never loved you" this is the cruelest thing someone can say to another person. I would never say something so hateful. A more accurate statement would be, "I was incapable of loving you the way you needed and deserved to be loved." Even more accurate is, "I am incapable of committing to furniture... you really think I can commit to you?"

Finding the anger again... that feels better than pain.

I can't handle the thought of another woman. I'm not there yet. I keep thinking that he'll move on to the next woman and be the PERFECT guy for HER.

dancingcolors: yeah, I really felt like I was avoiding a much more painful betrayal later when he ends up cheating on me. I've been cheated on so I know the signs. I run like hell when I see them.

 

Mark: yes, I want to reconcile. I still love him. That's why I'm here. I hope someone will talk me out of it and tell me I did the right thing. I want him back even if I lose my self respect in the process. I want one more night with him. One more night back when I was convinced he loved me. Could he ever convince me he loved me again? Eyes don't lie. He didn't look at me the same way.

Shandi-

I'm in the same situation you are in, except that I am the dumpee. I too fell in love with my ex the first time I saw her. I knew then and there that we would be together. That was 4 years ago. It took a year of me waiting for her (actually her choosing another guy over me first) and then coming to me. We dated for 3 years this past June...broke up about a month ago.

Some key differences, I would never tell my girlfriend she needs to lose some weight. I have a job. I own my own house. I am extremely motivated. The reason I am telling you this, is because we are very similar, only we were on opposite sides of the situation.

I neglected my relationship. I didn't put into it what she was. The truth is, I didn't realize I wasn't. I travel for work. Each time I left, it destroyed her. I didn't see it...or maybe I didn't want to. She needed more...she needed me. She needed to be loved, just as you needed to be. You need to feel that the person you are dedicating your life to and sharing your heart with is just as in love with you as you are with them.

This is difficult for guys. We often say things to buy us time, to avoid the difficult questions, the difficult conversations. Your ex may also feel like a failure to you...you sound very successful and he is not. He may be intimidated by you. He may not try because he doesn't want to fail again in front of you.

On the other hand, he could just be lazy. He could be one who takes advantage of others because he refuses to be a forward thinker. A dose of independence would shape this kind of man up fairly quickly or sink him altogether.

Nonetheless, my advice...if you feel he is worthy of your love, if he deserves someone as precious and strong as you, if you feel he is someone you could spend the rest of your life with...then by all means, please give him another chance.

If however, you know somewhere in your heart, that although he is everything you thought you wanted, there is something missing...then I wouldn't put yourself or him through it again.

A breakup sucks...it's hard on everyone. But going through it again destroys people. Only pursue this route if you truly love him and think/know he does the same for you.

Now that I ran all over your post...could I ask you...what advice would you have for a guy like your ex. When you broke up with him, you were filled with only negative thoughts about him, correct? You only remembered the bad times. Then after a certain amount of time, your thoughts began to change. Were you talking to him? Seeing him at all? Or was this all on your own? At what point would you feel comfortable if he were to approach you and try to rekindle what you once had? And finally, how could he do it...how should he do it?

Once again, I am sorry for running on your post. I am very curious if your situation can help me. Thanks in advance.

Every time I broke up with a man I did so because I cared about him (and found something deal breaking about our relationship). A few I loved a little and one I loved a lot. In all cases one or both of us couldn't be who we needed to be while together, so it had to end. I have no regrets about the relationships I ended, but sometimes I still kick myself for letting them go on so long. Was I heartbroken? Yes, several times. Will I recover completely? Most definitely. The promise of a new day is but a few hours away.

Mark: yes, I want to reconcile. I still love him. That's why I'm here. I hope someone will talk me out of it and tell me I did the right thing. I want him back even if I lose my self respect in the process. I want one more night with him. One more night back when I was convinced he loved me. Could he ever convince me he loved me again? Eyes don't lie. He didn't look at me the same way.

Shandi - Did you see anyone else after you split?

If I pm you do you mind?

Well I didn't leave my ex because I loved him too much as such but because he wasn't pulling his weight and I felt neglected, insecure like you mention..also paranoid and constantly disappointed. I dare say you are idealising him. To me he doesn't come accross as supportive, chances are he felt uncomfortable for your professional success considering he didn't have a job. Which I understand from his end. But I also understand that you weren't getting what you needed. It's not nice to feel he'd prefer you 7 lbs thinner, these stuff just eats away at your self esteem.

I want him back even if I lose my self respect in the process.

NOBODY and NOTHING deserves the loss of your self respect. This is the one thing NOONE can take away from you.

I keep thinking that he'll move on to the next woman and be the PERFECT guy for HER.

This is not your issue any more. There is a chance he will improve but he won't be the perfect guy for you. Massive improvement will only come if he immerses himself into personal growth books for a couple of years. And by then you will have met a decent guy. My ex has improved dramatically but some of the things I left him for are still there.

I felt that I did lots for my ex, because he was in a disadvantaged position back then, and waited for the time when he'd be ready to offer to me. That day never really came and I have learned never to save anyone now. Particularly with men it's best not to jump in and help too much because it affects their self esteem; they need to find the solution for themselves. I truly understand the desperation you may be feeling but I promise you there is light if you keep going.

You definitely did the right thing IMO.

Shandi,

It sounds like you are a very successful person...selling mortgages perhaps? I see this all the time. The woman is successful and the man is not-- this is happening more often these days given equality in the workplace.

I had a similar thing happen to me. As soon as my bf's new business started to sour he became a much nastier version of himself. He would works 12-18 hours a day, in construction, mis- measure something, and would end up in the hole for the one month job. He could not contribute financially. The year before is was working hard, under someone else making $25/hour, 10 hours a day...he was exhausted, but could afford to keep himself financially afloat, and go on dinner dates and do fun things together.

This passed 6 months I have become very successful at work, and he has gone south.

The week we broke up, I had bought him an Ipad for his birthday. He flipped out. He told me to return it, even though we discussed buying on for months. That week he has mis-measured two things and would cost him out-of-pocket to fix.

Until your boyfriend becomes financially healthy, he will continue to be a nasty version of himself. You sound like a "giver," but believe it or not, your gifts are emasculating him.

How dare he complain about your body! You are the breadwinner of the two of you, so may not always have time to hit the gym.

This guy is projecting his anger on to you. Nothing will fix this guy except a good job.

These bad economic time are causing people to separate due to the stresses of not enough employment /cash.

No contact is a great idea...how dare he not congratulate for buying a new house??

This guy will come crawling back eventually, or at least miss what he had....or he might even be more comfortable with a woman who is on the same level as him financially.

BTW Shandi,

You were both the Dumper and Dumpee here....his actions made you do it. This is why you are confused now.

Shandi-

 

Now that I ran all over your post...could I ask you...what advice would you have for a guy like your ex. When you broke up with him, you were filled with only negative thoughts about him, correct? You only remembered the bad times. Then after a certain amount of time, your thoughts began to change. Were you talking to him? Seeing him at all? Or was this all on your own? At what point would you feel comfortable if he were to approach you and try to rekindle what you once had? And finally, how could he do it...how should he do it?.

These were going to be my exact questions!

My ex dumped me for this reason, she began seeing someone who filled the holes I'd left 2 weeks later. However our last phone call before NC was full of future intentions, we both said at almost exactly the same time that we both felt we would be together again at some point in the future. She said she didnt want me in the arms of another woman but realised that this was her decision and if that was the result then so be it. She does love me and I love her, but she just felt so hurt and miserable that I hadnt showed her the love and affection she was giving me, my mistake I know.

We are in NC now as she said that by still talking to me she would feel she was cheating on this other guy. I want to contact her sooo much, but I wont. However I will want to in a month or two's time.

When we split there was no hate, malice, anger at all, the only negative emotion was sadness. I do hope there is scope for future reconciliation

beachbound thank you so much for your insight. It's been hard to imagine a man loving a woman but being so put off by other things in his life (stress, unemployment, etc.) that he would allow her to feel so unloved. I viewed my relationship with him as the bright spot at the end of a stressful day. He was what I looked forward to. Your question about reconciliation, how should he do it? Well, he should definitely wait at least a month to contact me. I was still angry and hurt those first few weeks. It was only this last week, that I really started to miss him and focus on all the great memories. He won me back a few months ago (after a so called "break") by sending me one of my books in the mail. In the book was a heartfelt letter saying that I had broken his walls down and let warmth in. He said it much more beautifully and poetically. It had me picking up the phone. We reconciled but found ourselves in the same situation two months later. For you, I would recommend some honestly without going over the top. Write her a letter, so that it's a one-way communication. Be careful. Say what she has meant to you and how she changed your life. What great things you have learned from her and how you have missed her. Don't go on and on about loving her though. Just let her know that your life is better for having known her. See if she responds.

waveseer thank you. I have a few dealbreakers as well. Not showing affection for me because of a few pounds is one of them. Someday, I'm going to be old... really old. I'm 41 now. My looks aren't what they were when I was 20 but they certainly aren't what they will be when I'm 80.

mark no I haven't seen anyone else. He told me that he doesn't plan on dating either. I tried to look at a dating site and I just didn't find anyone remotely interesting. I'm not ready to try yet. It's so exhausting to meet people that don't measure up to him. I would only compare them right now. I do think that NO contact is definitely the way to go. I wouldn't miss him as much as I do if there had been any friendly contact. I don't mind if you PM me.

quirky You're right! I AM indealizing him. I do that with everything and everyone. I saw him for his potential rather than what he was willing to give/reveal/invest. He is a pretty lazy person in general. He has even said that he "likes his crappy life". I think this is an excuse not to try. I am a higly motivated, competitive person. I knew I couldn't change him but I did try to motivate him to want something more for himself.

sadchick Yeah, I was both the dumpee and the dumper. He lacked the courage to end it. He didn't want to be the bad guy so he checked out. He forced me to dump the man I loved. Then he just walked away, probably relieved that it was over. At first I was relieved too because I didn't have to wonder if he loved me. It didn't matter anymore. I didn't have to feel unwanted and unattractive any more. Now I just feel lonely.

I do agree with you completely. He needs a woman on his same financial level. You're right, I emasculated him. I showered him with gifts, affection, fun trips, self esteem. Wow, was a sucker! I gave much more than I recieved and tried to convince myself that he loved me. I've learned some valuable lessons from this one.

1. If a guy ever "3 days" me again... I'm not returning the call. He did this constantly while we were together.

2. I will never be the first to say "I love you" again... ever.

3. I will only put in as much as he is putting in.

4. If I am ever "on a break" again... I'll make it permanent.

Shandi - Did you ever feel you were in the position where if someone had come along and shown you that reassurance and attention that you'd have been tempted to see them and give them a go? I'm just trying to understand my ex - I can see how she was unhappy and this chap came along at what for him was the right time, and he told her everything she was wanting me to tell her. It took her 2 days to decide that the hurt was too raw with me and she wanted some happiness so decided to give things a try with him, however unsure she sounded about it. I will take your advice on the NC, I had been tempted to plan when Id contact her again, but I will leave it. It would make things worse for me if I did get in touch too soon and she was still in her honeymoon period with him.

Shandi - You've said you would like to get back with him - How much of the hurt do you remember now? How long was it before the bad memories of him began to fade? Did they go quickly or gradually? Just wondered how the change in feelings would compare between a dumper and dumpee.

yes, I was in that situation. I was weak and easy prey for someone with a good line. I ended up dating someone just because they seemed to be the exact opposite of my ex and said all those things I wanted to hear. Worst mistake of my life. I was a victim of a romantic predator who ended up stealing my house. That makes me sound so stupid and pathetic but it happens. Even if you're smart, the heart is an idiot. I got engaged to a compulsive liar because I was running from pain... only to face greater pain down the road. I sued and won but... I've learned that the only person who is going to look out for me is ME.

With your situation, I defintely recommend time. No contact. She needs to work out what is going on in her head. She won't have time to think of the good times with you... and why you're the right guy for her... how great things actually were with you... if you are calling her or trying to contact her. She has to miss you to want you back.

I have always wondered why a guy didn't come running after me. I'm a great woman so most just can't bear to let me go. When someone walks away without contact I sit around wondering why. Why is it so easy to walk away. What are they doing now? Who are they seeing? Are they having fun with someone else? Have they moved on? The more I think of them, the more I miss them. The ones that begged me to take them back, just pissed me off and I lost respect. Even when I know I'm doing it, I still do it. It's unavoidable. No contact makes me miss them and increases their chances of reconciliation. I respect someone with enough self control to let me go.

Let's see if I can nail this down.

It took me a good three weeks to decide I should dump the man I love.

After the "dumping" I was angry and somewhat relieved the first week.

Second week I was wondering why he didn't try to contact me even though I asked him not to. But... still feeling relieved.

Third week I was starting to remember good times, wishing I hadn't deleted him off facebook so I could post something about being happy and make him a little jealous. By the end of the third week, I was wondering if he was ever going to go against my request and contact me.

By the fourth week, i was no longer angry and was only remembering the good times.

At the end of the month and I'm having trouble remembering the bad stuff. Actually trying to remind myself so I don't go running back to him.

Shandi,

Don't let this guy change you! You are a "giver" and he is a "taker." D'ont change! Just find someone who will appreciate all you have to offer. You being generous only emasculates THIS guy. It would not have emasculated a NORMAL guy.

It sounds like you are healing nicely. Trust me, in a year from now you will ask yourself "what did I ever see in this guy?" I do not morn for a single guy, but at the time, I was fully in love with them...take it easy...buy yourself something rather than spend money on him.

Thanks sadchick. What great advice! That's exactly what I came here for. I need a little perspective to get me over this bump. It was his issue, not mine. I take too much responsibility for his lack of commitment and ability to return affection. I won't punish the next guy for it... at least I'll try not to. Hard not to become bitter.

I know of many women who take on guys who are "less" than themselves. They make less, care less, are less educated...etc. These guys begin to feel "entitled" to have what you have, and start to hurt the woman's self-esteem to maintain control.

I am not sure how my situation will go, but moving forward, I will never date an unsuccessful guy ever again!

I dont care if he is broke... However, HE cares that he is broke.

It is mission impossible to have a normal relationship with a guy that hates himself for being unsuccessful.

I know of many women who take on guys who are "less" than themselves. They make less, care less, are less educated...etc. These guys begin to feel "entitled" to have what you have, and start to hurt the woman's self-esteem to maintain control.

 

I am not sure how my situation will go, but moving forward, I will never date an unsuccessful guy ever again!

 

I dont care if he is broke... However, HE cares that he is broke.

 

It is mission impossible to have a normal relationship with a guy that hates himself for being unsuccessful.

You are so right! I have done the same thing with disastrous results. Never again.

I know of many women who take on guys who are "less" than themselves. They make less, care less, are less educated...etc. These guys begin to feel "entitled" to have what you have, and start to hurt the woman's self-esteem to maintain control.

 

I am not sure how my situation will go, but moving forward, I will never date an unsuccessful guy ever again!

 

I dont care if he is broke... However, HE cares that he is broke.

 

It is mission impossible to have a normal relationship with a guy that hates himself for being unsuccessful.

It's not just a gender thing. Most of us try to put other people down when we feel down.

OP, he'll regret what he did to you one day, sooner or later, believe me. You did the best thing by breaking up with him, and don't go back begging. I didn't read the whole thread. What did you tell him when you broke up?

Sadchick: I don't think I have ever heard it put better "They make less, care less, are less educated...etc. These guys begin to feel "entitled" to have what you have, and start to hurt the woman's self-esteem to maintain control." THAT'S IT! He was fine with it all in the beginning. I was 15 lbs heavier and he didn't seem to notice. Then I came into some financial prosperity, while he was still floundering unemployed. Now, suddenly he notices that I put back on 7. Maybe he was trying to bring me down a notch or two.

I'll have to really think about whether I have ever done something like that. Hmmmm

Great insight! Thank you all for your thoughts. This has been a great help to me.