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Hello all,

 

I have been dating this woman exclusively for the last eight months. I am a professional as is she. We both make good money, have nice houses, etc. She is 35 and I am 41. She has never been married and has not had that many relationships. I had been married for 11yrs and my wife left after suffering mental illness she refused treatment of two years ago. Recently, the military moved me to a new job about 700 miles from her (for 1.5 years, i.e defined end..). It has created a "longer" long distance relationship for us. Before we were about two hours away, and saw each other often (entire weekends, etc..) We both shared our love for each other. She was extremely happy with me, and I her. Since she knew I was military, she asked back in April when I would be moving (I move about every three years) and I told her I was not sure, but probably next year. She offered, "...well we can see each other as much as we can if you do move." Which was fine with me. Then, Murphy's Law strikes, I was selected for a new job one year early. I found out in April, and moved in June (700 miles away)... she took the news OK, but said, "Why is everything good in my life taken away from me?" We saw each other continually before I actually moved as if the move was not a big deal. Met her Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law, their children... Had a wonderful time. They all still think very highly of me, and I of them. I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THEM AS MY EXTENDED FAMILY SOMEDAY!

 

Fast forward... last few weeks I could tell she has gotten a little withdrawn. I talked to her about coming to visit her where she lives (we both could see each other AT LEAST twice per month and plan longer vacations), but she told me the other day she was "not sure" and "this is not what I wanted"...we talked for over an hour about how we both felt. Still strong between us, but now she is almost demanding to know how this will all turn out (as far as a stable future marriage, family) She just kept going back to the "I wish I could just figure it all out", "I don't know...", "I'm not sure..." I am retiring after 20 years next year...I have just over 15 months left here at this assignment.. She does not want to commit to something unless she is absolutely sure it will work. She hinted that due to the distance, we kind of do need to talk about long range plans (i.e. marriage)... I told her I want the best for her even if that means we split, but I do see a future for us....I told her I had certainly thought of marriage many times and it is certainly on my mind (and I DO want that too), but neither of us at this point could commit to that right now, but perhaps 6-12 months to be engaged and marry maybe six months after that (again, I'm 41, she's 35).

 

We talked very friendly, and had a good somewhat positive conversation. I told her to just tell me how she feels, and though I'd hate to hear it, but would certainly respect any decision she has if she can't make the LDR thing work... She then said, "maybe I'm just being stupid, and I don't know what I want and would hate to give up this opportunity, I just don't have anything to compare it to.."...I told her again, just let me know, and I'd hate to hear it, but I'd understand...

 

We ended with, we'd talk later in the week to which she said, "yes, absolutely"... I've been giving her space this week, but now would like to talk to her again (it's been six days, and we did say we'd talk again...), but not sure if I should just let her call? Don't want to get down into the "wait to call" business, as I think that can be more of a game, but I want her to certainly be able to think clear...

 

Thoughts?

 

I'd be happy to clarify anything if additional info is required...

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I think you should call.

 

I understand where she is coming from. She's 35. If she wants to get married and have babies, she probably doesn't want to "waste" time with someone that's not going to happen with.

 

I suggest that you be gently and sweetly persistent while giving her space (and letting her date other people too if you can hack it). If it's meant to be, you will resume your relationship when you can.

 

Keep it light and fuzzy. Go see her if/when you can. Do vacations if she's free. Keep in touch.

 

It will happen if it's meant to happen.

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[...] I have been dating this woman exclusively for the last eight months. I am a professional as is she. We both make good money, have nice houses, etc. She is 35 and I am 41. [...]

 

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THEM AS MY EXTENDED FAMILY SOMEDAY! [...]

 

...we talked for over an hour about how we both felt. Still strong between us, [...]

 

She hinted that due to the distance, we kind of do need to talk about long range plans (i.e. marriage)...[...]

 

Would you consider asking this woman to marry you?

 

If you were engaged, she'd have clarity and stick around, and then to celebrate your retirement in 15 months you could marry.

 

(Just sayin...)

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Yes, I'd be very happy with that, but she seems very reluctant to decide what to do next, but said discussing marriage would not scare her and it's something we should talk about. I certainly would like to have a family again... She seems to have essentially said that she has to know that it is right for her... It's like we've gotten to the point of the realization that we either need to commit to each other (which I'm good with) or unfortunately move on but the whole LDR thing will certainly be a challenge. There is not a trust issue on either side... So far (one week) has been tough for me as I do dearly love her. She knows that, but then say's I seem to be over invested and she is "doubting her commitment right now", then she goes round and round about how she's not sure about the relationship, LDR and all, but would be OK with it if some outcome was assured... I still wanted to have the romantic proposal (i.e. right place, time, and to be sure she'd say yes...) Kinda hard to do when at least right now she's on the fence with it all, but she also must realize that she just maybe "lost" close to another year of maybe having children (i.e. start with someone else, marry, etc...) ...not that that should determine our relationship. (i.e strong relationship, then kids, not vice versa..)

 

So, she does not want to end it (or simply maybe wants me to??), or she is VERY dazed and confused due to lack of experience? and will take her own time to sort it out??... It really is hurting me to see her like this, and I'm starting to not feel that great myself (i.e. really don't want to lose her...) This "reluctance" I'll call it started about two weeks ago. I told her to just tell me, and I'm OK with it (that I'd be ok..), but she won't decide one way or the other...

 

I did try to call her tonight, but got voicemail...her habit has been to call 24 hrs or more later...something I've grown use to...so that is not out of the normal, per se...

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I wouldn't do anything to lose her if I were you. You are retiring in a year. Tell her that you want to be with her and once you retire you will devote everything to her.

 

Are you a civilian employee or a military employee? I served in the Coast Guard (didn't retire just got discharged) and I know that there are two retirement plans because of one of the DoD directives that came out a while ago and military retirees can be forced to go back to active duty under order of the Army/Navy secretaries so I just was wondering if this could possibly happen to you at some point? I hope not.

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I'd bet you money that she was fishing for a proposal or at least assurances that you were heading in that direction, but you remained noncomittal and even invited her to go the other way. So she did.

 

Now you REALLY have nothing to lose by proposing. (Only everything to gain.)

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Well I did say adamantly that I DID see a future for us, but she kept coming back to, I don't know what to do (nothing to compare it to)...She said she did not want to see me (in ten days) and have me travel and then it not work out... She is just so confused, she can't think straight...She thinks she has made a terrible mistake in agreeing to break up...and she was scared about that...I just kept telling her I understood...She said she had no doubt that she'd have a good life with me...but then again said she did not know...It was much like a merry go round....again, all very friendly, and it has not sunk in with me yet...and I'm sure not her either...

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I understand. I'd give her some time. Next time you speak, I'd ask her whether her confusion comes from doubts about her feelings toward you -or- doubts about where you stand with her.

 

If she's not sure how she feels about you, that's one thing. If she's afraid to invest without trusting your investment, that's another.

 

I would make it a point to find out which it is.

 

In your corner.

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I strongly disagree with those telling you to propose. If she wants marriage, she just has to bring up the topic - you are clearly more into this relationship than she was.

 

The ball was in her court and she decided to end the match. She's not ready to commit.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you sound like a good, patient man and I'm sure you'll find someone who appreciates that.

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She was not sure about LDR...had never had a relationship like we had...wanted to be "sure" and now wants to benchmark what we had with?? Someone else? or just wants time... I don't know either. I had to "let her go" to let her figure it out, maybe she comes back, maybe not... I'm kinda bummed that she is so not sure...

 

She said again that she is scared to death about making a terrible mistake (i.e. letting me go..)... I doubt it's the last time I'll hear from her, but I can't "convince" her either...

 

If it's meant to be it will be... I will indeed miss her. I had not seen her for a month...

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... She did.

 

[Just for the record, I've been on these boards a couple years, and I have never suggested a proposal before.]

 

Yes, but she was very wishy-washy about it all - just look at how confused the OP is and he is clearly open to the idea of marriage. I meant that she has to bring it up in a direct way, basically stating that she would be willing to marry the OP if he were so inclined.

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Yes, she was still completely "unsure" as in, "I don't know" then, as I recall our conversation again she say's: "I feel like I might be making a big mistake and I’m scared about that, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve thought about it and thought about it. I don’t know how else to figure it out."

 

So she wants to get back out there and find someone else that will "fit" her life exactly there in her hometown?? Or what? She left the conversation by saying: ": I do think you are a great guy and the time we had together means the world to me. I have no doubt I’d have a good life with you, but I just want to know it’s right…the right thing…" and then the merry-go-round went again... How could she know if "this" is right by breaking up and trying something else, then thinking I'd still be around?? Maybe, but most likely not... So I think even if I had proposed, she'd still say "I don't know..."... It's almost like she is watching too much of that reality TV Bachelorette stuff...

 

Very frustrating, indeed! And so, now I'm going to move on a bit (after I catch my breath)... I simply don't know what else I could have done... nothing really. I am reasonably sure she's going to call or commuicate in some fashion about "I don't want to lose you" at least I think she will... Then what do I do?? I just honestly think she does not know... and I guess after eight months or so (plus about one month talking on phone before date #1...yep a whole month!), you just kinda should know or at least be willing to see each other... I think it's mostly a proximity thing with the LDR issues...but like I said, we'd be able to bridge those readily if she chose to...

 

The whole breakup was VERY friendly and we wished each other the very best... Still did not make it any easier, but I tried...

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I understand. I'd give her some time. Next time you speak,

 

What do I tell her?

 

I was thinking that I need to tell her that while it's great to hear from you, I don't think we really have anything else to talk about until you can decide commitment-wise how we can move forward...I'm not planning to mope around, but will give myself time to catch my breath so to speak...

 

Then again, Maybe I did over-expect/invest here... I don't think I did, all along it was VERY welcomed... She would say "I've never met anyone like you...", "I have feelings for you" followed by "I Love you!" Text messages of the same sort.. etc. etc. That changed after I moved, although she swore that it would not be a problem.... Until now...

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What do I tell her?

 

I was thinking that I need to tell her that while it's great to hear from you, I don't think we really have anything else to talk about until you can decide commitment-wise how we can move forward...I'm not planning to mope around, but will give myself time to catch my breath so to speak...[...]

 

No. Next time she contacts you, just listen. That's the only way to learn what she's thinking. If you head her off with the above, you're cutting yourself off from important information.

 

THE thing to determine is whether she's confused about her feelings for you, or yours for her. You've remained completely noncomittal which is great for protecting your pride, just not so great for communicating your intentions.

 

If she's afraid of investing the next year and a half of her life in someone who's a dice roll, then that's understandable, and it's up to you to offer her more than that. If, on the other hand, she's just afraid of tying herself to someone about whom she's not sure of her feelings, that's a completely different story.

 

You can't learn which story is hers if you plow her over with an ultimatum--so toss that. Hear her out first, then you can gain the information you need to decide how to respond.

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You've remained completely noncomittal which is great for protecting your pride, just not so great for communicating your intentions.

 

I DID say earlier last week (before the breakup call) about yes, we can discuss marriage, and that I thought that could certainly be the next step.

 

I honestly think she simply does not have anything to compare me to (yes, I know I'm perfect! LOL) So, she had a good supportive guy who was very interested in her. I found her a great match for me, really. Now I feel like I am "one example" of a relationship possibility, and she wants to comparison shop around. She is very smart in mature in every other aspect, and even told me last week, "...in every other area of my life I can make a decision and go with it, but this is so much bigger than that." She is simply scared and does not know what to do, or "how to figure it out" so I needed to simply let her go to do that... In my opinion, we'd be perfect for each other and that now kinda hurts me to know it very well could be over. She just kept saying "I have nothing to compare it to" and "I want to be sure"...

 

(Vent on) For crying out loud: What does that mean?? She loves me, but in the interest of "being sure" she had to go comparison shop because she had nothing to compare it to? We are not buying cars here... (Vent off)

 

So I told her, "if you want to just break up and you try out your own thing…I’m ok with that and I told you that before; I’ll be fine. I don’t want to do that, (she started crying and said "I know"…) but if you need time to sort out how you want to go forward with your own life, then maybe you should do that. Then she said, "I think that’s what I have to do."

 

 

I simply and calmly told her that maybe she needs more time.

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I think you handled that perfectly. In these forums we're usually trying to talk people into backing off and doing exactly what you did.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I can appreciate how hard this is.

 

Thanks. Don't know if I confused timeline....we still have not talked after the "breakup" call... I am reasonably sure this is not "over" though. I think she needed space and as hard as that is for me (LDR and all) I will simply give it to her. I'm pretty sure of this because how could she possibly go from "We do need to start talking about marriage" and "I have no doubt I'd have a good life with you, but I just want to be sure"... to never speaking to me again? She even said "I might be making a mistake (i.e. breakup), and I'm scared about that." I certainly left the door open for her to contact me and was EXTREMELY polite and understanding. No argument, no hate or disgust. Told her there was no way I could tell her how to feel.

 

In the end I guess I'm in NC mode with her at the moment. She obviously needs time, space, and to think about what she's feeling... I will not contact her, and I have not...

 

What do you think the odds are that she WILL contact me??

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So it sounds like you didn't put up much of a fight when she broke it off, saying you understood and then not contacting her. I can appreciate the cooperative nature of your response, but sometimes when people express feelings of uncertainty concerning the relationship, they are looking for solid reassurance. Did you express not wanting to loose her or reassure her of your commitment to her? Even if she still asks for time and space, it couldn't hurt to make one last good effort to let her know how strongly you feel about her. It's a huge commitment to wait like that for someone. Especially when your ready to move forward with your own personal goals such as a family, etc. Speaking from experience. Every bit of reassurance means so much when your in that position.

 

Im suggesting this assuming you haven't done so. I may be wrong and if you have, then I think you're doing the right thing by giving her space. If she doesn't contact you in a while, Id give her a call though. Again, she may be testing your commitment and how serious you are about her. Best of luck.

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Did you express not wanting to loose her or reassure her of your commitment to her?

 

Oh, yes, I was quite clear about "I can see a future for us" and, she even said, "I know I'd have a good life with you (i.e. she knows I want to marry her), but that SHE wants to be sure. As she is so immature with relationships (had not had that many serious ones...) she wanted to "Be sure."

 

 

Every bit of reassurance means so much when your in that position.

 

I ALWAYS have reassured her that things would be great between us. Supported her etc. We talked about "fighting fair" and supporting one another. I think she honestly is totally confused and thinks already that she is making a mistake by splitting. I honestly think she just needs some time to think out her feelings and wants to be sure before she commits to carrying on with the relationship, that "I'm the one..." So, I honestly do not know what to do... Yes, I still love her dearly, but I needed to give her some space to think and become "un-confused" and let her feelings resurface... It was becoming quite a round-and-round discussion of her "Not sure it's right" and "I have nothing to compare it to..."

 

 

If she doesn't contact you in a while, Id give her a call though. Again, she may be testing your commitment and how serious you are about her. Best of luck.

 

I think I needed to back away by "breaking up" but I think that will only be to allow her to think about things. I very much want her back, and would certainly welcome her back with open arms... She just needs time and some thought to figure that out. It was very much hurting me to know the "pain" she was in agonizing over "I don't know" and the more I tried to reassure her, the more confused she was...

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