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Thread: What if your ex slept with someone else soon after the break up

  1. #1
    PaleSeptember
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    What if your ex slept with someone else soon after the break up

    We broke up a week and a half ago, and I've been doing better in the last few days. However, this morning I've woken up worried he'll sleep with someone else. I know, it's nothing I can control and he's my ex now, but I feel if he were to sleep with someone else within such a short period of time after a break up, that I wouldn't be able to reconcile with him even if he wanted to. What about you guys? What if they went sleeping with someone within a month or two afterward, or even less? What period of time would be "acceptable" for you, if at all? Or does time not matter to you because you are broken up?

    Another question, would you even ask them if they've slept with someone since being apart?
    Last edited by PaleSeptember; 08-28-2010 at 12:15 PM. Reason: added details

  2. #2
    Ms Darcy
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    I tend to think that if someone breaks up with me it is with the intention of never being with me again. Now, if they have a tendency to want to break up/get back together, then I would suspect they broke up in order to sleep around and I would not want them back. But if they broke up with the intention of staying broken up, I wouldn't really ask them what they did while we were apart.

    The reconciliations that I have seen work tend to be after a long time apart and they don't really ask about what the other person had been doing in the inbetween time.

  3. #3
    Roughriders
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaleSeptember [Register to see the link]
    We broke up a week and a half ago, and I've been doing better in the last few days. However, this morning I've woken up worried he'll sleep with someone else. I know, it's nothing I can control and he's my ex now, but I feel if he were to sleep with someone else within such a short period of time after a break up, that I wouldn't be able to reconcile with him even if he wanted to. What about you guys? What if they went sleeping with someone within a month or two afterward, or even less? What period of time would be "acceptable" for you, if at all? Or does time not matter to you because you are broken up?

    Another question, would you even ask them if they've slept with someone since being apart?
    Well if it happened it happened. Like you said, there is nothing that you can do. And honestly, dont do nothing because it adds to the aggony. Dont think about it, dont ask about it.

    My experience is that my ex broke up with me and it only took her 3 days to have a new guy in the sack. When I found out (the very next day) I was hurt, very hurt. (we were together 5 years).

    Anyway, it has been 4 months now...my ex is still seeing/dating/sleeping (i dont know 100%) with this guy. However, it is basically a rebound because she is having trust issues with this dude but she is still saying that things are great. She is running away from the hurt/truth/anger. At the end of the day, I feel that she will be the one who will be worse off.

    If you love this guy, let it be. He will come back on his terms and if that happens, when he is ready. The saying goes something like this:
    "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it is yours to keep. If not, it was never ment to be".

    But dont think about that because it causes sleepless night and stressful days ahead. I wish I never found out but I did.

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    PaleSeptember
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ms Darcy [Register to see the link]
    The reconciliations that I have seen work tend to be after a long time apart and they don't really ask about what the other person had been doing in the inbetween time.
    What's a long time?

    Perhaps I feel there wouldn't be a chance for reconciliation if that happened because I would just hurt to know about it, it's purely emotional.

  5. #5
    Philos
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    It's really best to try to never find this kind of stuff out, and just go NC from the start and try to get over them and live your life.

    A lot of people will keep you on because they don't want to be alone until they find a replacement for you and then they'll make the switch. My ex dumped me (lived with her over a year), 2 weeks later I tried but she didn't want to reconcile, then a week later I found out that she was already seeing some other guy, more than likely before I even tried to reconcile. Getting dumped in most cases is an extreme betrayal of trust, and learning stuff like that just makes you die inside because you still love them and it feels like they're cheating or something. It didn't hurt as much when I got dumped, or even when I found out that she didn't want to get back together, as it did finding out she had apparently moved on after all the intimate moments of our lives we shared etc. That was a month ago, and now I'm just starting to feel back on my feet, and actually back to how I felt right after she dumped me originally. If I had maintained NC through it all, I'd probably feel a hell of a lot better now not knowing any of that stuff.

    What the future holds, I don't know. I feel it'd be really hard for me to accept what she did, not just moving on so quickly and sleeping with another guy etc, but betraying me by dumping me abruptly. You have to remember, it is them, yourself, and the relationsihp. She killed the relationship and tried to kill me. Another aspect is just where I'm at in life. I'm unemployed now, but going to school. In a year I'll have a career job. Would I take her back considering she just jumped ship on the difficult poor part of my life and now she'll be trying to get back on when I'm successful?

    I don't know if I'll contact her now for years. When I'm at a point where I can stand back, and not feel vindictive or sad or get emotional, or even care, then I'll know I'm ready to contact her. That'll probably be at least a year for the emotions, and maybe longer to stop caring completely (such as having expectation or anticipation to her reply) and to stop feeling vindictive.
    Last edited by Philos; 08-28-2010 at 01:03 PM.

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    Ms Darcy
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaleSeptember [Register to see the link]
    What's a long time?

    Perhaps I feel there wouldn't be a chance for reconciliation if that happened because I would just hurt to know about it, it's purely emotional.
    8 months. A year. Three years.

    Well, if you can't accept it, then it won't work and you will have to move on. Easier said than done I know.

  7. #7
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaleSeptember [Register to see the link]
    We broke up a week and a half ago, and I've been doing better in the last few days. However, this morning I've woken up worried he'll sleep with someone else. I know, it's nothing I can control and he's my ex now, but I feel if he were to sleep with someone else within such a short period of time after a break up, that I wouldn't be able to reconcile with him even if he wanted to. What about you guys? What if they went sleeping with someone within a month or two afterward, or even less? What period of time would be "acceptable" for you, if at all? Or does time not matter to you because you are broken up?

    Another question, would you even ask them if they've slept with someone since being apart?
    The break up is still fresh and you are still hopeful for reconciliation...so it is natural to feel the way you do. You can't control what he may or may not do and agonizing over it won't help you heal. You need to assume that this is over for good and that it doesn't matter who he sleeps with now because he will never ever again have the privilege of getting intimate with you. Think of yourself as the prize and that you will now give to someone more worthy than him. He is gone and whoever he sleeps with doesn't matter anymore because you are going to move on to better things.

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    Triplell
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    My ex and I broke up for the first time a year ago. We were talking on and off, and I went down to visit her about 3 weeks after the break up. In that time, she had managed to sleep with one guy, and was in the process of sleeping with another guy when I walked in on it(she knew I was coming).

    3 months later, I took her back. Very stupid.

    I was able to forgive her, but that's because I was an idiot. I would never recommend you take your ex back short term after sleeping with someone else. Maybe long term, but not short term.

    In the end, it's up to you

  9. #9
    markd321
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    I can completely understand why the OP has these worries about the ex sleeping with someone else........I've recently split and thoughts of that hurt me too.

    But what I've always wondered is how does the next lover after you make it any different to those before you originally?

    I mean, a partner will have slept with others before meeting you, they will have already had intimate moments with others before you anyway?

  10. #10
    hellohello1
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    my best friend who reconciled with her ex after being broken up for 4 or 5 months about 2 year ago (theyre still together) had slept with another guy. her boyfriend had also slept with a few different people at the time. neither of them told each other who, and they didnt want to know how many people or who they are. she still doestn know and doesnt want to know. she feels that they were broken up and therefore there is nothing wrong with doing that..i think its one of those things you would rather not know, or else it may cause further issues in the relationship..

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