Day 3

So.. I think this journaling thing is good for me to get out my emotions.. since I seem to have so many.

Where to start? Well he's been very nice.. called me this morning to tell me to have a good day and just say hi before he had to work.

I will admit though, last night I was going crazy in my own head. On Aug 7, he made a status on FB about wanting to be at this certain event with his cousin. The girl he 'cheated' with liked this status, along with other people. I'm really battling with myself here.. I want to say something, but at the same time he told me they do not talk anymore and she knows he is back in love. He said it was HIS mess up not hers or mine. I don't know for sure, but I am assuming he said something to her about things being better with me. And from what I can tell from their skype conversation back in April, it was him doing most of the flirting. He initiated it anyway. She didn't exactly ask him to stop but she wasn't really being that flirtacious back. So at this point I am choosing to accept his word that he doesn't talk to her anymore and that she is aware we are back in love.

I may say something to him if we are in person and I feel the need.. but I don't want to have to. If she happens to do it again, I WILL say something. I could ask him to remove her as a friend on FB, something I never even thought of in the beginning.. don't know why.. but even if I did have him delete her, if he REALLY wanted to contact her he could. And if I say something this could backfire and make him thing I am controlling or that I am not trying to trust him.

... I hate my mind. It's like once I kind of got over the above issue, I started looking for something else wrong. My mind went to when the pictures of me from his phone were exposed. Never once have I thought it was him who leaked them, I know that someone got a hold of his phone and sent them to their own phone. But the thought crossed my mind that maybe he did it on purpose. We know who has the pictures so he should be there telling them to delete them. Ugh, why am I looking for these things?? It's like once everything is good and I feel happy, I have to focus on something negative just to keep my mind busy. I HATE it. I have no reason to think he leaked the pictures and he said he would tell the guy to delete them when he made his way to that town (he lives in a town like 2 hours away and it's kind of inconvenient to just drive there for that, but it will have to be done eventually..) So, I'm sure if he was the one who leaked them he wouldn't tell me "if the guy doesn't delete them I will go there and smash his laptop". Plus, this isn't someone my guy is even friends with. it's some random guy whose house we were at. Ugh!!!! I just want to stop it. Stop overanalyzing.

I am jealous of my boyfriend. He can just sit in front of his laptop and watch youtube videos and be entertained. Me? No. I come here and talk about my feelings. I JUST WANT TO RELAX for once.. I am going nuts thinking about our relationship and the bad things, how can I give it a chance to be good when I can't seem to stop this ridiculous habit..??

With my new found realization of my own problems, I have decided that this is like an addiction. Alcoholic, drug addicts, food addicts, etc.. it's the same thing. I am addicted to feeling loved. It's like the more I have it the more I want.. and when it's taken away I go into withdrawal and act crazy. Granted I WAS cheated on, so that makes this a lot worse.. I don't think I'd be this bad otherwise. But anyway, I do think of this as an addiction and that it will be just as hard to overcome. That scares me. I hope I can do it. If anything prove to my dad I can do it since he could fight his alcoholism..

I honestly wish I had never found out about his cheating. Things would be better and he had stopped it before I even found out anyway!

Anyway. I think I need to start making posts about MY life and not my relationship. I'll try to do that next.