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Thread: Going though a really rough spot in my life...

  1. #1
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    Going though a really rough spot in my life...

    I'm new to this site and this is my first post. I really just wanted to tell my story. Any opinions or advice would greatly be appreciated.

    I'm a 27 year old male. I've always been a bit of an introverted person and have had a difficult time meeting new people. I had a few dates in high school but never really anything serious. Went I went off to college, I quickly met someone very special to me. We had many of the same opinions and views and quickly began dating. She was everything that I thought I could never be: easily make friends, not really have the "comfort zone" that I have struggled with. Pretty much every weekend for 4 years we spent 100% of our time together. We were so happy together. We went to parties, dinner together, studied together, saw plays and concerts, football games on weekends. I knew from an early point that this girl was the love of my life.

    After school I quickly found a job, but we had to move about 2 hours away from each of our families. (As it turns out, we went to the same high school, but our class was very big and we didn't socialize together then.) Things were difficult at first because we were in a small town and didn't have friends to socialize with. Plus, I was working a lot and she hadn't found a job yet. I met a lot of new and interesting people at work, and with my company we have some international travelers. So I always tried to keep her involved in my work circles. Eventually over time she found a job, we bought a home, met some great neighbors, and began to socialize more within our community.

    Now we have been together for 9 years and married for nearly 5. We've had typical ups and downs, and arguments that I think all couples have. I've always had a higher sex drive than she has, and that's one thing we've delt with more than a few times. I always felt that we had good communication, but it could be better. Many times we are both unable to make a decision and defer to the others judgment, just to make sure we don't make the wrong decision. I'm not a heavy drinker but I do like to drink when we socialize with friends, and she rarely drinks. But I think these are all small things that anyone should be able to cope with. I guess I was wrong.

    Now it was coming up on the 4th of July holiday and we both had some time off. My family was having a cookout back home and we were planning on leaving Friday after work. Thursday night she got off work and came home. I was already in bed but I got up to see how she was and say goodnight. I knew something was wrong. She said we needed to cancel our plans, and stay home this weekend and talk. I said, ok, but I want to know what's going on tonight.

    We had a long talk into the night, and it was very difficult for me because I didn't see any of this coming. She said that she has been unhappy for a long time now. Really unhappy. So much so, that she doesn't think she loves me anymore. She doesn't see anything changing and thinks we may have to split up. I'm floored. I told her that I want to do whatever it takes to fix the problem. But she hasn't decided if she wants to try or not. I can't believe it. I don't understand why she doesn't know if she wants to try or not!

    I didn't get angry but I did get emotional. It hurt her a lot to see me like that. We have had 2 or 3 more conversations since that night. In light of the situation, I still don't really understand. What I do know is that she felt like I was controlling, and she felt subservient to me. We both agree that we have been together so long that we don't really know who we are as individuals anymore. And she said that the "spark" is gone, and she doesn't know if we can find it again.

    I have since looked up a counselor and called to make an appointment. I will go by myself, or with her if she chooses. I've talked a lot with my sister who I'm close with. She went through a divorce when she was young, but maybe a little different because she was cheated on. I asked, and my wife said there isn't someone else. I don't know for certain but realistically I don't have any reason to think otherwise.

    I feel like my whole life is upside-down. I don't know what to do. If I lose her, I don't know what I want to do with my life.

    I want to do whatever it takes, but I don't think she agrees. She hasn't left yet. She hasn't told me that she wants a divorce. But she hasn't told me that she is willing to work to fix the problem either.

    Please share your thoughts and advice. Thank you.

  2. #2

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    She may want to have a baby.

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    This could be any number of things. And I'm sorry this hit you out of nowhere. It sounds like you are willing to try to work on the marriage. Unfortunately you can't force her to do the same. Counseling is a great idea. Hopefully she will be willing to discuss just what it is that is bothering her. Then you can see if that is something which is fixable or not.

    I'm a little bit concerned there may be someone else in the picture. A lot of times these "surprise" divorces where one spouse simply falls out of love for no reason actually has a very significant reason. Have you asked her if there is someone else? Or has she been doing anything to lead you to believe that there is?

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    Originally Posted by Kinkz
    She may want to have a baby.
    I'm not sure if you are being serious or not. We both wanted to have children. I still do. But right now I don't think we're ready until we mend our relationship. I think bringing a child into a loveless marriage might be a bad decision.

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    I did ask her if there is someone else, a couple of times. She said there wasn't. I know she has a few guy friends at work, and they have been out before but always with others from the work group. I don't have any reason to be suspicious.

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    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JRodvt
    I did ask her if there is someone else, a couple of times. She said there wasn't. I know she has a few guy friends at work, and they have been out before but always with others from the work group. I don't have any reason to be suspicious.
    Ok, well that's good. I think you'll have to see how serious she is about working on the marriage. You can do that with the counselor. Or you can try another heart to heart and tell her you are willing to do what it takes to save the relationship - but she has to be open with you and share what it is that's on her mind and in her heart. It will not be an easy conversation to have.

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    We've had 4 of these talks. But other than the vague responses about how she may not be in love with me anymore, that she isn't happy, that I'm too controlling, that she doesn't know who she is anymore... I really don't have much to work with here. I think I have to wait for her to tell me what she wants to do. It's like the old Tom Petty song "I need to know".
    She has cleaned up the spare bedroom in our home and is sleeping there. I guess it's a good sign in that she's still here and hasn't made the decision to leave yet. And she gave me a quick hug today. But I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I'm too close it will drive her away, and if I'm too distant it will make her decision easier.

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    Originally Posted by JRodvt
    I'm not sure if you are being serious or not. We both wanted to have children. I still do. But right now I don't think we're ready until we mend our relationship. I think bringing a child into a loveless marriage might be a bad decision.
    Yes I was being serious, I felt like something was missing in your story, been together for 9 years, 5 years marriage... have a job, have a house, no family problems etc. Everything is there except children.

    Yeh from the sounds of it, right now wouldn't be a good idea for children, why didn't it come about before if you both wanted it?

    Also, sorry for pointing out the obvious..but your own words confirm it is a 'loveless' marriage. That IS the problem here. You need to find a way to bring back the love again.

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    Dude, I'm sorry, that's terrible. She may need some time to find herself. From my own experience, my very recent ex is going through the same thing. She said she feels the need to find herself outside of us. I think maybe your wife feels she has been with you through college, she followed you to your job afterward, and she hasn't had the chance to live her own life. I'm not saying you're controlling, but the situation kind of dictated that you got a job, so she followed. I'm in the exact same boat. I wish you the absolute best man, and I hope she can find happiness with herself and you.

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    Originally Posted by Kinkz
    Yes I was being serious, I felt like something was missing in your story, been together for 9 years, 5 years marriage... have a job, have a house, no family problems etc. Everything is there except children.

    Yeh from the sounds of it, right now wouldn't be a good idea for children, why didn't it come about before if you both wanted it?

    Also, sorry for pointing out the obvious..but your own words confirm it is a 'loveless' marriage. That IS the problem here. You need to find a way to bring back the love again.
    Thanks for the clarification. We have talked before, and said that we wanted to have children. I know she wanted to try a few months ago and I said I wasn't ready. I don't know if that's part of this or not. But in any case, I'm glad that we didn't have kids and then years down the road have this falling apart.

    I really just wanted to make sure we had the emotional and financial structure in place before we started a family.

    EDIT: And it's not totally a "loveless" marriage... I still really love her. I think she still cares for me but the spark is gone.
    Last edited by JRodvt; 07-04-2010 at 08:49 PM. Reason: addition

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