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I am an idiot.


-Sanguine-

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Today I basically accused my boyfriend of thinking to cheat on me. I didn't actually accuse, it was an indirect remark about how he had shaved 'downstairs' and it was so stupid. I let my emotions get the better of me and now he doesn't want to talk to me - that and he is on vacation.

 

But the phone call was ended almost abruptly after I made the comment. I tried to play it off as a just wondering type scenario, but I think it bothered him. Or maybe just the fact that I was doing this while he was on vacation.

 

Yes, he had an emotional affair. Yes, it was hard. But I CHOSE to forgive him and he hasn't done anything to make me think I shouldn't have. It is all in my mind and I am probably driving him crazy.

 

I can already see how he views me. Probably as that girlfriend who he can't do anything around or I'll take it the wrong way. I feel terrible and I am going to make myself give him space until he chooses to contact me. I texted him after the phone call apologizing for being an idiot, telling him that I do trust him (I do, or at least I am trying and he is showing that he can be trusted) and that he has been great lately. I also said have fun and I will talk to you later. He didn't reply.

 

I am scared. Once, a few months ago, he had gone to this beach party where there were windows you could stand near and look down into the pool area. He was drunk and for some reason when he got home that night he told me that he was paranoid that I had been watching him and that I thought he would cheat on me. At the time, I thought no such thing and I trusted him completely (this was before his cheating). So this was all so bizarre. He said his ex gf didn't trust him at all and made him get rid of all his friends who were girls, so he just assumed I would think he was going to cheat, too.

 

And now here he is going through it again. With good reason because he did mess up. But still. I don't know how he thinks.. but part of me is like.. is he just going to cheat on me since I've already partially accused him of it? Is he just annoyed and frustrated that he will just throw in the towel? He hasn't said anything like that but I can see how hopeless he must feel. I claim to have forgiven him and then still make remarks like the one I made today, and still want reassurance that he isn't talking to the girl he cheated with anymore.

 

I NEED to stop letting my insecurities get the better of me. Because I told him we would get through this. It was my choice to stay or go, and I still want to stay. But I am going to ruin everything if I keep this up. I'm not saying this isn't partially his fault, but he has done what he can to make it better and now I am only fuelling the fire.

 

Just wanted to vent a bit. It doesn't help that I am going away for the next 3 days and there is no cell service so I won't have any contact whatsoever. Or maybe that's a good thing.. space.

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Well he did cheat, and you've forgiven him. But doesnt mean you wont have your weak or emotional moments. Especially if he shaves for the first time just before vacation?

 

I dont know if he would cheat again, or you can trust him, but it sounds like you have big communication issues.

 

It wasn't for the first time, though. He's often shaved to surprise me. He said that's why he did it this time and I questioned it. I was just being paranoid. And stupid.

 

Yes, we need to work on communicating. He listens to what I say, but I never know what he thinks. I know he listens though. A week or two ago, I told him how I'd like it if we expressed that we loved each other more often. And then I came home recently and found a note from him telling me he loved me. I know that's not relevant here, but I'm just explaining how he communicates with me. I often forget that just because he doesn't say anything doesn't mean he doesn't understand.

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Finding the means the trust after that is hard.

 

My ex cheated on me twice and I never regained it. I said I did, thought I did, tried hard to trust him, but in the end I couldn't. It was little things like you that made me wonder, and from my experience, the wondering was what drove me crazy, drove my insecurity through the roof, and drove him crazy as well (although he had cheated).

 

I'm not saying walk away from the relationship but maybe don't contact him for those days you don't have cell service and REALLY do some hard thinking. Ask yourself can you really get pass this or is it something you are hoping to get pass? Is this always going to bother you or will it be something you can laugh about in a few months or years?

 

You owe it to him and you to do answer the hard questions.

 

Like I said, I'm not saying just call it quits but I have been in your position, I know the strain it puts on you and I have seen the strain it can put on him. If he is making amends to not make you doubt great! One of the few cheaters who do. But in return, YOU have to trust him because I do believe if he isn't doing anything and you keep questioning his loyalty, it MAY just push him to do what you are asking if he does.

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You made a mistake here, yes, but you apologised.

 

Did you ever have the talk with him about starting with a clean slate?

 

It sounds like your getting somewhere with communicating, and that you need to keep working on your insecurities and trusting him, and keep trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Communication is key here, and it sounds like things are getting better.

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I want to get past it SOO bad. I'm scared he is sick of my insecurity and will either just cheat on me to 'prove me right' or won't feel like he can share things with me in fear I will take it the wrong way.

 

I'm going to have 3 days not talking to him. So I hope that will make things better. Usually what he needs is space to feel better and I have a hard time doing that so this is a good opportunity.

 

I remember when he thought I had feelings for a guy in my class (I definitely didn't, it was a big misunderstanding). Anyways, one day he made a remark to me kind of like the one I made to him today. And I felt so terrible that he didn't trust me (although he had no reason not to, unlike in my case). But still, I know how that can feel, too and it's not fun. It felt hopeless because I had apologized for whatever he felt I did, but he still didn't trust me. He got over it though. So I want to be able to, as well.. even though it's a bit different..

 

You know, he's probably not even thinking about this and is fine. And here I am over analyzing.

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You made a mistake here, yes, but you apologised.

 

Did you ever have the talk with him about starting with a clean slate?

 

It sounds like your getting somewhere with communicating, and that you need to keep working on your insecurities and trusting him, and keep trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Communication is key here, and it sounds like things are getting better.

 

No, I didn't. I don't think it will work in this case. I think I need to go for a long period of time and SHOW him that I am not mistrusting him (unless of course he gives me reason to) and I think that will help mends things and make it easier for us to communicate without him thinking I'm going to have a freak out about something.

 

I hope we're getting somewhere. We just have different ways of communicating, I guess. I often have to remind myself that he just doesn't like to talk things out in the same way as me, and that's not his or my fault.

 

I don't know what else to do but apologize and give him space.

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To me, part of a relationship means going out of your way to ensure the other person's security. That includes both being trustworthy and maintaining the appearance of being trustworthy. So, ya know. No Brazilians right before you go to Vegas. Bad plan.

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Only one thing to say: If he truly loves you, it will be much harder for him to let go than you think. This is just a speed bump.

 

Thank you for that.

Makes me feel better.

 

For some reason, I always think it would be so easy for him to leave me. Low self-esteem talking.

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I always think as long as the cheater feels genuine remorse and works toward making the person who was cheated on feel secure, the person who was cheated on can regain that trust.

 

With my ex he never did. He felt sorry for about a month but after that I wasn't allowed to bring it up, talk about it, and he kept doing things to make me question him. For me, that made me not be able to completely trust him. As long as your guy is working toward it, I do believe you can get there one day. It's not something that will come over night or maybe even a year. But I do think one day it can be the way it was before.

 

As the person who was cheated on you will over analyze. God I know I did, lol.

 

And even my ex cheating on me has effected my relationship with my fiance. I had major trust issues when we met and while I know he would never cheat, when sometimes happens my insecure brain goes right to the worst case scenario. Even not being with a cheater I'm still fighting to not think like I use to.

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To me, part of a relationship means going out of your way to ensure the other person's security. That includes both being trustworthy and maintaining the appearance of being trustworthy. So, ya know. No Brazilians right before you go to Vegas. Bad plan.

 

I agree.

But he actually did it like a week and a half before his vacation (before he even knew he was going) because he originally thought he would be seeing me. But me (being paranoid) thought that when he brought this up last night that he might be lying and trying to cover it up by saying it was for me.. which didn't make sense to me because he wasn't going to be seeing me. But his explanation does work and he didn't mean it in any bad way. I just took it wrong. It seems I'm always looking for something wrong.

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To me, part of a relationship means going out of your way to ensure the other person's security. That includes both being trustworthy and maintaining the appearance of being trustworthy. So, ya know. No Brazilians right before you go to Vegas. Bad plan.

 

lol, well said AndiD.

 

And it was probably one of those things he did and never even connected it with your trust issues -D-. I'm sure when you both get together again after being apart if you explained that to him, he would in the future before doing something like that stop and think 'will this make her doubt me?'

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Yeah, I have a feeling I will carry this into any other relationships. If he had actually PHYSICALLY cheated on me, I think I would have broken up with him for sure. But he was going through a rough time and has tried to make amends for it so far. I was surprised he was so comforting when I asked if he was still in contact with the girl. He told me I had nothing to worry about, that he doesn't speak to her anymore at all.

 

It's nice to have someone who understands what I'm going through and believes it can still work.

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lol, well said AndiD.

 

And it was probably one of those things he did and never even connected it with your trust issues -D-. I'm sure when you both get together again after being apart if you explained that to him, he would in the future before doing something like that stop and think 'will this make her doubt me?'

 

True..

but he didn't even do anything wrong. If he had said WHEN he shaved I wouldn't have been paranoid at all.. but I imagine if I hadn't asked him, I would still be sitting here right now trying to push the thought of him shaving to get action out of my head. So in a way, I'm glad I asked, but I wish I wouldn't have had to because now I've put this all on him.

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Just wondering...why would he want to go on vacation without you? Maybe I say this because my bf always wants me to go with him when he goes somewhere, on a trip, where ever. He just likes me being with him. Although sometimes I can't because of work conflict, but then he always goes on trips with his mom and grandma anyway as a family thing. Nothing to worry about there. If it is alone, it is with me going with him.. I think besides that, it would be a bit concerning if he'd want to go on a trip alone, or with friends and not at least want you to come along.

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Yeah, I have a feeling I will carry this into any other relationships. If he had actually PHYSICALLY cheated on me, I think I would have broken up with him for sure. But he was going through a rough time and has tried to make amends for it so far. I was surprised he was so comforting when I asked if he was still in contact with the girl. He told me I had nothing to worry about, that he doesn't speak to her anymore at all.

 

It's nice to have someone who understands what I'm going through and believes it can still work.

 

It's hard NOT to carry it into other relationships. I have one of the most caring, kind, and trust worthy fiances on this planet and I still have those moments when something seems odd going right for the wrong case. Luckily he understands this and will ride out the crazy side of me (lol) and be there to tell me nothing is wrong and I jumped to conclusions. I'm more than sure I have hurt his feelings more than once. :s

 

I do believe it can work. I have been on the opposite end of the scale where the guy didn't care, didn't try to make amends, and actually did physcially cheat twice (if not more). It's a world of difference when the guy really does try to make up for it. We all have slips. Granted any form of cheating is hard and a MAJOR slip but for those who regret it, they rarely do it again.

 

PM me if you ever need to talk or anything.

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Just wondering...why would he want to go on vacation without you? Maybe I say this because my bf always wants me to go with him when he goes somewhere, on a trip, where ever. He just likes me being with him. Although sometimes I can't because of work conflict, but then he always goes on trips with his mom and grandma anyway as a family thing. Nothing to worry about there. If it is alone, it is with me going with him.. I think besides that, it would be a bit concerning if he'd want to go on a trip alone, or with friends and not at least want you to come along.

 

He does want me to come. But it is a plane ride that I can't afford (I'm sure he'd cover some of my expenses though). Not only that, but I work and I am still in my probationary period so I can't just take a week off work. He works a week on, then a week off, so he has no problem getting work off. Once I save up enough money, I will make a trip with him - it is to him hometown, where all his friends live, so he goes quite frequently.. perhaps every 2 months. So I will have another opportunity to go once I can take vacation time and save up money.

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i dunno, maybe you have good reason to be suspicious??

 

Not about the shaving. Believe me. That was my mistake. He shaved it when he thought he was going to be seeing me and wanted to tell me that. But then it turns out he was going on vacation.. and I took it the wrong way, thinking he had done it more recently.

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If I could rep you again, I would!

 

Thanks alot. I might need to message you sometime.

I just hope this wasn't the last straw for him.

 

lol.

 

Message me anytime, I'm always close to my Droid.

 

I don't think it was. CS has never in any way cheated or looked at another woman (other than doing the human thing and remarking someone was attractive) and I know I have driven him crazy with my 'whose the girl that commented on your FB status?' or 'whose such and such that liked your pic?'. And he was still willing to marry me, lol.

 

I think if he really understands, he will understand why you were concerned once he cools off.

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lol.

 

Message me anytime, I'm always close to my Droid.

 

I don't think it was. CS has never in any way cheated or looked at another woman (other than doing the human thing and remarking someone was attractive) and I know I have driven him crazy with my 'whose the girl that commented on your FB status?' or 'whose such and such that liked your pic?'. And he was still willing to marry me, lol.

 

I think if he really understands, he will understand why you were concerned once he cools off.

 

Hopefully. I don't even know if he was mad or just annoyed. I'm sure he just wanted to have fun and I was bringing him down with my offending thoughts.

 

I think from now on, I just have to be really non-insecure, towards him at least.. unless he gives me a reason not to be. But I have to be more wise in what I see as threatening and really think before I say something. I think if something is REALLY wrong I will know.

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Hopefully. I don't even know if he was mad or just annoyed. I'm sure he just wanted to have fun and I was bringing him down with my offending thoughts.

 

I think from now on, I just have to be really non-insecure, towards him at least.. unless he gives me a reason not to be. But I have to be more wise in what I see as threatening and really think before I say something. I think if something is REALLY wrong I will know.

 

That could have been it too. While he normally might have seen it as you being insecure and worked toward helping you, he being on vacation was not prepared for the question and it threw him off.

 

I agree but also don't forget to still express when you don't feel insecure, even if it's a small thing. When you start feeling like you are bottling up how you feel, even if you KNOW it's stupid, you can start to resent him for it without realizing it. I did at least. I think you will. I always say listen to your gut because it will never lead you wrong. I knew both times my ex cheated something was up but ignored it.

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That could have been it too. While he normally might have seen it as you being insecure and worked toward helping you, he being on vacation was not prepared for the question and it threw him off.

 

I agree but also don't forget to still express when you don't feel insecure, even if it's a small thing. When you start feeling like you are bottling up how you feel, even if you KNOW it's stupid, you can start to resent him for it without realizing it. I did at least. I think you will. I always say listen to your gut because it will never lead you wrong. I knew both times my ex cheated something was up but ignored it.

 

True, maybe I just need to pick a better time to do it.

When he had cheated (although I didn't know it at the time) he had been really distant and not himself. He wouldn't hold my hand, really didn't want to have sex, etc. I just brushed it off.. he was living in a city he hated for me, we lived together (unplanned) in a really small apartment and he hardly had any friends in the city.. so I thought he was just feeling down about that. And maybe he was, I know it was tough on him even if he didn't say anything. So things were weird for a couple months, but I just brushed it off.. and then things started getting a lot better. Like amazing. I know that he stopped talking to her before I even found out he cheated. So at least I know there are warning signs. If he gets all weird and distant again, I will know something's up.

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