Question for the ladies

I'm sure some of you already know my situation.. but I want to sort of take a poll. Please answer as honest as possible and not biasedly based on my own situation:

If you met a guy online you started voicing and camming you were absolutley crazy about but lives far away and although he used to be very successful hasnt worked much in a couple of years (only at Christmas-time for his kids), is living at his mother's (whom he used to pamper a lot financially), and hasnt been very actively looking for a job so cant help fund your trip... would you go and meet him anyway if you could afford it?

I don't know your situation so my answer isn't biased.

I would not spend one ounce of money to meet this guy - (something seems VERY off about him from what you described.)

No, I would not, to me relationships are 50/50

I wouldn't see the point in pursuing a long distance relationship with someone I met online. But, that's just me. I'm in a long distance relationship now and we dated for several months before we separated. It's hard. I can't imagine purposely starting that way.

Are you comfortable with your situation? What are your hobbies? What are your long term goals?

It wouldnt' be about the distance for me, it would be about him 'not very actively looking for a job'.

It shows a lack of self-respect on the guy's part, and possibly a bit of depression.

I wouldn't expect a guy to pay if I was wanting to visit. It would be nice if he offered, though. If he had no money, I would see that PLUS distance as an almost impossible barrier. I would want him to pay to visit me sometimes...

Would he provide a place to stay and pay for meals? I might go if he lived in a cool city. Otherwise, no.

What if you felt your going to meet him was going to help him get back on his feet and be energetically positive for both of you... especially after talking with him has helped you work through some stuff that was holding you back?

Also, I asked him if he is holding off dating until I come.. as I have decided to now. He said "well I'm almost always home.. and the opportunities I have had Ive passed up so far". I told him "Its a big financial investment". He said "Dont come then" I said "Why?" He said "If its about money dont come. Thats a lame argument". I said "Its not about money if its the right thing"

I would, but it depends how long we chatted, what I thought of him online and if he actually had a job. The fact that he isn't actively looking for a job would be a red flag for me.

What if you felt your going to meet him was going to be energetically positive to help get him on his feet again?

He should be able to do that himself.

What if you felt your going to meet him was going to be energetically positive to help get him on his feet again?

No, I don't try to change men.

If he wants to better his life, he needs to have the will to do that on his own.

I will provide support to a partner who wants to change, but I would not go into a relationship planning on changing a person.

Would he provide a place to stay and pay for meals? I might go if he lived in a cool city. Otherwise, no.

He has been living with his mother the past 2 years. He does have a friend who has a house in a city nearby that he told him he can use it any time as his friend isnt there much.. but he hasnt offered that idea. I am also not sure I want to do that with someone I've never met.

No, I don't try to change men.

 

If he wants to better his life, he needs to have the will to do that on his own.

 

I will provide support to a partner who wants to change, but I would not go into a relationship planning on changing a person.

But I feel like I already kind of am in a relationship with him already since we've been talking everyday for 6 months now. I even found myself telling someone one day "my boyfriend lives in (country)" when we werw talking about guys.

He has been living with his mother the past 2 years. He does have a friend who has a house in a city nearby that he told him he can use it any time as his friend isnt there much.. but he hasnt offered that idea. I am also not sure I want to do that with someone I've never met.

If he plans on me staying in a house of a complete stranger to me, that's not going to work. I feel weary about meeting people online and I would not feel comfortable flying accross the country to stay with a strange man in a completely unfamiliar area. The house isn't even in the same city as him.

If he plans on me staying in a house of a complete stranger to me, that's not going to work. I feel weary about meeting people online and I would not feel comfortable flying accross the country to stay with a strange man in a completely unfamiliar area. The house isn't even in the same city as him.

I would only stay at the house if he was with me... but I dont feel comfortable doing that anyway... and apparently he doesnt either.. or he doesnt want his friends to know about me. He told me he hasnt told anyone about me and wont until I purchase my ticket.

Lately I feel like telling him I will not come there unless he pays 1/2 my trip. I mean... I always pay 1/2 a date when I go out and expect the same of the other person. He did remind me the other day that I had said earlier 1/2 the reason I would be going there is just to get away/vacation... and initialy I didnt have a problem with me paying my own way based on that and the fact he wasnt working. Ive even offered to pay 1/2 his way here.

How would your visit help him get back on his feet?

I think he is ok with dating you, as long as you're doing all the work. When it starts off that way, it never works. You'll just get frustrated and feel like you're doing everything and he's doing nothing.

If he's not willing to provide for you now, he won't provide for you later. As a general rule.

How would your visit help him get back on his feet?

Not sure... I just have always felt since we started talking if we spent time together it would be beneficial for both of us in the end regardless of what came of it.

Also to further answer Nearbot's question: he did say he would hang out with me regardless if we felt a romantic connection or not..and would take me to see anything I want to.. even a 4 hour drive to London.

No, I wouldn't. You can't change someone.if he is like that now, you going will not change him.

Not sure... I just have always felt since we started talking if we spent time together it would be beneficial for both of us in the end regardless of what came of it.

Ehh, I can definitely see where you're coming from, but I think even you realize that this reasoning is not very solid. You have feelings for this person, so OF COURSE you think that seeing each other would be beneficial. It's a very natural thing to feel, but not a very logical one.

Really think about it. What are some REASONS that seeing him would be beneficial for either of you? Especially with the given circumstances? You will in no way be able to help this man get his life in order, sorry. But it's just not you're job, you know? Going into a relationship already hoping that one person will change is pretty much doomed.

Edit: Nevermind, re-read.

Wow, this man is really getting under your skin If I were you - and this is only my opinion, based on what I would do - I would save up and go and see the guy, but don't stay with him. Get a motel or an apartment.

It's a pain that you're stumping up for the trip but you obviously need to get it clear in your head as to what he's playing at, and what his intentions are, because it's really affecting you (from what I read on this forum) and you just can't do it over Skype.

I hope I'm not being too forthright or rude here, but I really feel for you with what you are going through and think you would be better off with some closure either way.

I feel that you spending the money to fly out there would be a really big waste of your money. He hasn't done a single thing to encourage you, and in fact, at the slightest hint that you weren't totally enthusiastic about making the trip, he told you to not to come. He sounds immature and frankly not very attractive. He doesn't seem to have any personal drive, and that is sooo not attractive in a man. Do not assume you can go out there and push a perfectly comfortable man-child into maturity, because it's just not going to happen.

My cousin went through a similar situation with a guy who sounds just like yours, ended up married to him and 5 years later they were still living at his mom's place. He still didn't have a job. She eventually left him, thank god.

I think you can do a LOT better than him. Don't waste your time on someone who is only half-aszing his way through this "relationship." Another red flag is that he hasn't even told his friends about you. Don't you want to be with someone who is as excited about you, as you are about him?

He hasn't done a single thing to encourage you, and in fact, at the slightest hint that you weren't totally enthusiastic about making the trip, he told you to not to come.

 

Another red flag is that he hasn't even told his friends about you. Don't you want to be with someone who is as excited about you, as you are about him?

Dont know if I already said this but.. when I said it was a big investment financially he said "Dont come then.. if its all about money dont come."

He told me he hasnt told his friends or family about me because he doesnt want to jinx it. He said he will tell them after I really purchase a ticket.

What happenes if you DO buy a ticket and he DOESN'T tell his friends and family? This is an unfair game that he's playing with you.

What happenes if you DO buy a ticket and he DOESN'T tell his friends and family? This is an unfair game that he's playing with you.

He said he doesnt want to tell anyone about it until he knows for sure I'm coming because he doesnt want to jinx it.