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Thread: Caught wife cheating with another woman

  1. #41
    Member frankenstrat's Avatar
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    Good advice lostandhurt. After 1 day to think it over I am much calmer & not as furious as yesterday. Not at peace yet but getting there and am preparing myself for anything to happen when she walks through the door tomorrow. Talked to her on the phone a few hours ago & as you say I took the high road. I was painfully nice & affectionate to the point that if she has a soul left she should be wallowing in guilt right about now. I wanted to rage but kept it in check and feel the better for it. I have to keep it together for my daughter if nothing else.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This wasn't really for court as much as proof later on. I know a few men that years later had their relationship with their children ruined by their ex's that were the cheaters but told their children their father did the cheating as they couldn't face the truth. It also comes in handy as leverage and keeps the cheater a little more honest, if that is possible.
    Lost
    Originally Posted by Ahstaroth
    Make sure you are in a state where that is legal before you do that. While many allow it if at least one of the parties is aware, some don't. Even still, it very likely won't be admissible in court.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you plan on tailking with her right when she gets home make sure your daughter is havig a sleep over at someones house that night. The discussion will be long and hurtful or very short and confusing.
    Begging, pleading, guilting or threatening will do no good. Be sure to stay calm, keep your voice and hands low. Make sure you are stone cold sober and have been for days. Have plan on what you want to say and even right down a few notes to keep you on message. It may sound silly but your mind will be swimming and not thinking that clear will be normal. If the talk happens before she unpacks it might be better if you ask her to leave. She is already packed so it will be easier for her to go stay with her lover.
    If she is remorsful have a plan for what you want to happen to start to rebuild the trust and love in your marriage. If she is defensive and combative have a plan for that as well. I would recommend telling her that until she calms down you will not discuss the matter any further. Then ask her to leave your house.
    Be prepared for her to blame you for what she has done. She hasn't been happy for a long time, you don't make me happy anymore, I love you but I am not in love with you, I don't think I have ever really loved you, I am happier when you aren't here and on and on. These are the words of someone that can't look inward and only look outward for someone to blame. There are 3 of you in this family. She can't blame your daughter and it can't be herself so that just leaves you. Hopefully she will be honest enough with you and herself to admit the truth.

    best wishes
    Lost

  4. #44
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    I found out about my ex's horrendous cheating escapades and immense disregard after we broke up. Uggggh. It kills me. Anyway, how I wish I had waited to confront him when I first found out. I wish I spent more time collecting evidence (then collecting most of it after our only conversation when he had enough power to deny it) before I called him. I am left with much regret about the way I handled it. More than that, I imagine all the time how much easier it would have been to catch him red-handed while we were together -gather the evidence and plan the catch - I kept minimizing my suspicions and trying to respect his privacy (and my fear of being yelled at and feeling guilty for breaking privacy) by not digging further when I would stumble on something - but how so much more satisfying it would have been to deal with it then.

    So, with that said, my advice is to sit back this weekend and collect as much evidence as possible (computer, phone bills, emails, whatever you have access too). There is also software you can install on her phone, if you wish to monitor her texts - but it may be too late for it. Do NOT take revenge of any kind - especially publicly. Telling her office will only make things worse for your family - you support a child together. When you have sufficient evidence, decide what to do. If you know when the two will be together, perhaps you should show up, so that there is no denial to be had. I would search for her profile online as well - Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder. You don't know if this is the first affair of this kind. Either way tread carefully, and act in a way that empowers you completely. Waiting a few days is a good idea, especially that it gives you time to collect your thoughts and evidence. I know it is hard - I couldn't do it - I confronted too early because I was overwhelmed and it left me with a terrible sense of non-closure and dissatisfaction - despite following up with a nasty letter (no consequence at all for his despicable behavior/treatment). You are married, so you have more chances than I did to handle this.

    How do you know for sure this person is a woman? Is it just the name? Good Luck. I am terribly sorry this is happening to you. The pain is tremendous.

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  6. #45

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    I do agree that you should have a VAR set up to record the conversation. If only to be able to reference her initial response in future conversations. And of course to protect yourself from false assault charges ( a tactic cheaters sometimes employ when its an exit affair).

  7. #46
    Member frankenstrat's Avatar
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    I'm fairly certain it's a woman because my daughter has actually met her a few times(I didn't know what was going on or I would never have allowed it) but anyway yeah, it's a woman alright. I think I will wait until after the weekend or maybe even later to confront her about this. Gathering evidence is the way to go & after a few days to chew on it I'm finding I'm more at peace with each passing day. I don't have a recorder so need to purchase 1 & also am thinking of hiring a PI to follow her for a few days and see what they can come up with. Does anyone have experience with using a private investigator? Good idea, bad idea?? Any opinions are most welcomed! Thanks to all for your help thus far.

  8. #47
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    Are you ready for a divorce? I wouldn't bother with a PI unless you are. It's a waste of money if nothing is going on, and why spend the money trying to confirm something horrible UNLESS its a make or break deal?

    Imo, with today's technology, you can legally find out everything you want to know about your spouse better than the CIA can without a court order. We now have the ability fit a voice recorder, video recorder, and a GPS tracking device into something the size of a cell phone. And that's not even real spy equipment.

  9. #48
    Member frankenstrat's Avatar
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    Ahstaroth that's a damn good point and no I'm not ready for a divorce yet. Would much rather work through this disaster. Even after all this I still love her & am willing to give her another chance.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Just be careful because in some states it is illegal to tape a conversation without someone else's permission first... make sure it is legal in your state, or it cannot be used in a divorce court and may get you arrested for breaking the law.

  11. #50

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    I would rather risk taping the conversation then risk getting a trumped up restraining order.

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