Lately I have been totally depressed. I recently ended an verbally abusive relationship. He was lying, cheating, etc.,disrespecting me. I'm not the perfect girlfriend, but this was no longer about me improving and a friend helped me finally stand up for myself and set some boundaries. I also got into this relationship not too long after ending another abusive relationship.
These were both highly successful, good looking, exciting guys that were feeding me the line that they loved me, wanted to marry me. They were both a bit older (13 yrs and 7 yrs). It was like the same man in a different body. I'm still not over the second. I went no contact for 3 months(!) and he continued to try to contact me. I finally taked to him and he only to seem to rub it in my face that he's with someone else and how happy his is. I told him that he was being a jerk, and in a way I regret it because I feel he wont even try to harass me anymore now that he got a reaction and probably assumes i'm single. As stupid or selfish as it sounds, negative attention was better than no attention. It felt good that he kept calling for awhile, but it probably wasn't because he ever cared about me.
I've been obsessing over why I broke no contact, thinking that's why I'm depressed. But I think deep down I'm just petrified of being lonely and not being able to take care of myself. I do ok, but I'm 32 years old and really starting to worry about my future. I have good qualities and am attractive, but I just dont seem to have confidence unless i'm with someone else. I don't want to be like this, but what is wrong with me.. I honestly would rather be in the abuse lately than feeling like such a failure. I don't feel I'm old, but I feel I'm to old to be where i'm at.