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Thread: will I be the perpetual fallback girl to successful jerks

  1. #1
    ukdame
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    will I be the perpetual fallback girl to successful jerks

    Lately I have been totally depressed. I recently ended an verbally abusive relationship. He was lying, cheating, etc.,disrespecting me. I'm not the perfect girlfriend, but this was no longer about me improving and a friend helped me finally stand up for myself and set some boundaries. I also got into this relationship not too long after ending another abusive relationship.

    These were both highly successful, good looking, exciting guys that were feeding me the line that they loved me, wanted to marry me. They were both a bit older (13 yrs and 7 yrs). It was like the same man in a different body. I'm still not over the second. I went no contact for 3 months(!) and he continued to try to contact me. I finally taked to him and he only to seem to rub it in my face that he's with someone else and how happy his is. I told him that he was being a jerk, and in a way I regret it because I feel he wont even try to harass me anymore now that he got a reaction and probably assumes i'm single. As stupid or selfish as it sounds, negative attention was better than no attention. It felt good that he kept calling for awhile, but it probably wasn't because he ever cared about me.

    I've been obsessing over why I broke no contact, thinking that's why I'm depressed. But I think deep down I'm just petrified of being lonely and not being able to take care of myself. I do ok, but I'm 32 years old and really starting to worry about my future. I have good qualities and am attractive, but I just dont seem to have confidence unless i'm with someone else. I don't want to be like this, but what is wrong with me.. I honestly would rather be in the abuse lately than feeling like such a failure. I don't feel I'm old, but I feel I'm to old to be where i'm at.

  2. #2
    SapphireNoir10
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    You need to ask yourself why you keep falling for the same type of guy. Could you maybe try counselling?

    And your in no way a failure, you have to learn to be happy in and by yourself. I'd rather be alone than abused.

  3. #3
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    You need to let it go and just start focusing on your own life. Start building your self-confidence so that you won't land up with the smooth talkers who say all the right words but do all the wrong actions. When you develop self esteem you won't feel the need to hang on every word of a smooth talker as they talk love and marriage when they have only known you five minutes. Focus on yourself right now rather than on finding another man.

  4. #4
    lavenderdove
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    Sometimes that drive to be successful in some people masks a desire to be in control, and to 'win' at all costs even if it means dominating and abusing their partner. So that drive that makes them succeed can be the same thing that creates horrible relationship skills.

    So the first thing you need to do is take a step back and realize you shouldn't let a guy's 'success' and good looks blind you to other flaws in the guy's character. Many women are blinded by this, but as you have learned, it can't be sustained and creates for a horrible relationship that leaves you miserable and doubting yourself.

    So take a breather for a little bit and recognize how badly this has beaten you down. Focus on doing things that rebuild your confidence and don't worry about the next guy. If you build yourself up and do some thinking about what is important to you, the next guy you choose will be better for you.

    I am of the firm opinion that when you start questioning 'are all men like this' and 'do i attract the wrong men,' it is much more about you TOLERATING a bad man for far longer than you should because you are focusing on things you like about them while tolerating things that just are intolerable. Dating is a numbers game, and you should evaluate each person you date very carefully up front early on, and if you see big red flags like him treating you badly or verbally abusing you, don't just stay in the relationship and waste a lot of time on a bad egg. You can't meet a good guy if you're wasting a lot of time and effort on a bad one.

    So build yourself up for a while, then specifically start looking for good guys, nice guys who treat you well without reference to whether they are 'successful' (i.e., don't ignore their bad behavior due to their looks or success, and don't avoid good guys because they aren't hugely successful at work or make a lot of money). Shift your focus to looking for qualities that make a good partner, not qualities that make a good movie star or successful businessman.

  5. #5
    Psychomagnet
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    I agree with your friend you mentioned at the beginning, as I had to learn how to not tolerate being put on anyone's shelf as the fallback guy. Saying "NO!", healthy boundaries and finding the strength within yourself to walk away from crappy treatment does alot more than you can ever see, it also gets you massive amounts of respect from all directions.

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