how to get through to him without pushing him away..?

I'm not saying all guys are this way, because I'm sure there are girls who are too. I just think it's more common in guys..

So, for those of you who don't like talking about your feelings, or feel threatened when your SO tells you how they are feeling.. what's a good way to get through to you?

I'm in a relationship with someone who is very 'anti-feelings'. He doesn't usually tell me if something is up (the odd time he will, though) cause he is independent and he likes to figure things out on his own. Me, on the other hand, I like the share problems with him.. especially thoughts I have about our relationship. It has gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable because he doesn't seem to react. He just kind of avoids it.

Any ideas on how to get through to him or encourage him? I feel like I've used all my cards. In the beginning of the relationship he listened a lot to how I was feeling, especially with an issue I was having with a friend of mine. I really think I might have overdone it and now he doesn't like to talk about how he feels or how I feel. Just yesterday I told him how I felt about him going on a trip and today he told me he is still not sure because I was having a freak out over it. I only calmly expressed how I felt.

I know I have freaked out in the past, cried over things, but it's because I have held them in so long because I knew he didn't want to discuss them. I can't do that anymore and I have worked on being more rational about how to let my feelings out. Still, it seems he has this image in my head that I am freaking out..

for those of you who are like him or have dealt with people like him (I'm sure there are more guys (and girls) like my boyfriend).. what's the best way to get through to him without pushing him further away? I want to try to fix this part of our relationship but I don't know where to start.

The problem most people have is when they talk about how their feelings they can sometimes be accidentally critical. you dont wants to come accross like 'You make me feel like this and that' and make him feel your attacking him.

you just have to gently say 'Look I feel this way, and I think we either need to both be in this 100% or maybe it wont work out'

The problem most people have is when they talk about how their feelings they can sometimes be accidentally critical. you dont wants to come accross like 'You make me feel like this and that' and make him feel your attacking him.

 

you just have to gently say 'Look I feel this way, and I think we either need to both be in this 100% or maybe it wont work out'

I feel like I am very aware of how I word things when I tell him how I feel. I think about it in my head for a while to make sure it's not coming accross the wrong way. At least, I think I do. But I'll try to be even more aware of that.

I just wish he was eager to listen. And he probably wishes I would just work my problems out myself.. I know I used to over analyze stuff in our relationship. I realize I did that. So now he probably thinks any issue I have is just me over thinking when in fact it is actually a problem. He is just so "have fun and don't worry" about stuff.

I made your mistake though, of previously over analysing. Me and my bf broke up, and now we are back together and we have both just relaxed and are now just enjoying the relationship without analysing it or worrying about it. since I've relaxed, its all fallen into place, theres no fight, no arguing, hes attentive, romantic, brings flowers.

We've finally just let go of issues and I've chilled.

Thats just my story, but what im saying is, if you really are unhappy, you need to talk to him about it. But just make sure your reasons are genuine ones.

I know your bf cheated and thats had an impact. I think you just need to maybe both of you, sit down and say 'lets talk about our issues, try and resolve them and then clean slate, lets start fresh'

I made your mistake though, of previously over analysing. Me and my bf broke up, and now we are back together and we have both just relaxed and are now just enjoying the relationship without analysing it or worrying about it. since I've relaxed, its all fallen into place, theres no fight, no arguing, hes attentive, romantic, brings flowers.

 

We've finally just let go of issues and I've chilled.

 

Thats just my story, but what im saying is, if you really are unhappy, you need to talk to him about it. But just make sure your reasons are genuine ones.

 

I know your bf cheated and thats had an impact. I think you just need to maybe both of you, sit down and say 'lets talk about our issues, try and resolve them and then clean slate, lets start fresh'

I would love to do that. I want to just start fresh, and chill like you did. I can do that. If he will listen to how I'm feeling now. I don't think he believes that though. It's like he thinks I will freak out over anything.. the other day he was going to take me to this restaurant I had wanted to go to. We got there and he realized it was just a cafe and he wanted like a real meal so he wanted to go somewhere else and I was okay with that. But he thought I was all upset and asked me if this was going to be a huge deal.. I was like.. no. It's really okay. lol, I had no idea where he got that from. It was just a cafe. But I think I've given him the idea that everything is a big deal. It was for a while after he cheated. I told him that I was overly sensitive and would be for a while, but I thought that was understandable and I've cooled off since then.. that was 2.5 months ago.

I wonder if when he gets home.. if I sit down with him and tell him I want to start over because things have been bothering me. So if we can just talk about it and the start fresh. I wonder how he would react.

And also, he has been very attentive, sweet, and we haven't had a fight in over a month. Except now this issue with him cancelling on me to go to his hometown instead of the cabin with my family. Ever since I told him I was a bit upset about it, he's been acting a bit weird and not as attentive or sweet. So that's also why I avoid telling my feelings...

I think you just need to sit down, without any distractions, have a chat. say you apologise if you've come accross as over sensitive etc and you want him to be able to talk to you, and that your willing to just chill and enjoy stuff and start fresh.

I think you just need to sit down, without any distractions, have a chat. say you apologise if you've come accross as over sensitive etc and you want him to be able to talk to you, and that your willing to just chill and enjoy stuff and start fresh.

That sounds good.

Just sucks cause he is gone for the next week. He will be home for one evening and then probably gone for a week after and a half after that.

I feel so anxious. I know he is sleeping now and I won't call him. But I feel like I need to get this off my chest now.

Do you think it's wrong if I text him and tell him this? He is the kind of person where even if we sit down and have a conversation, he won't say much. He is more of an 'action' kind of guy, rather than a talking one. If I tell him something bothers me, he won't say much. But then I will start noticing changes in his behaviour. It's a good thing, but at the same time frustrating because I never know until he starts changing that he actually understood why I was upset.

I dont recommend texting just because it gets misconstrued or misinterpreatated and he cant see how your saying it you know?

Can you wait to call him at least?

I dont recommend texting just because it gets misconstrued or misinterpreatated and he cant see how your saying it you know?

 

Can you wait to call him at least?

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I can probably wait until later today when he's awake. I hope he understands.

Just be honest, speak from the heart, and make sure he knows you care and you just want you both to be happy.

Just be honest, speak from the heart, and make sure he knows you care and you just want you both to be happy.

Thanks, I'll try.

Post an update let us know how it went.

I see you've mentioned he's more of an 'action' kind of guy..but what are these actions that are showing this? I know we don't see all sides of your relationship, but the actions he's done in the past, and currently [ditching your plans..] don't speak too highly for him. Is that how he shows his commitment to you? But making you upset, and insecure?

If he can't express it, and doesn't show it too well..what is there left? I think if he showed it, you would feel it and know it. And you don't feel it or know it.

I see you've mentioned he's more of an 'action' kind of guy..but what are these actions that are showing this? I know we don't see all sides of your relationship, but the actions he's done in the past, and currently [ditching your plans..] don't speak too highly for him. Is that how he shows his commitment to you? But making you upset, and insecure?

 

If he can't express it, and doesn't show it too well..what is there left? I think if he showed it, you would feel it and know it. And you don't feel it or know it.

Ah, so much to think about

I think also looking at consistency.

Change is only good if its permanent. Him changing directly to something that occurred, but going back after a period of time to old ways, really isn't significant. Nothing will change or get better if he's changing for YOU. Change needs to come within because the person wants to do it.

My fiance and I have made changes over the years, and the initial change may have been spurred from something the other person said, but with time its something we take on for ourselves because we want to change that part of ourselves and be the best we can be not only for ourselves, but for our partner.

When someone doesn't want to change something, they go back to old ways. The same things will just keep coming up over and over if the person really isn't interested in changing for the better, and for themselves.

I've been pretty similar with my attention in the past, not intentional but it brought out unsteady thoughts in my girlfriends mind, I believe I've conquered this battle by reading a lot more, I've gotten to an age whereby I want to learn new things, I lived life while young rather than study, now I want to study and settle and am ready to love and show love, whereas those who studied young are now wanting to enjoy life and not settle...... What type of guy is yours?

All us guys need sometimes is a little breathing space from time to time, it doesn't mean we don't care or love you & eventually we'll come to you, listen to you, show you love and you'll feel it's natural and not something you've had to gain. Be you and relax

II want to jt start fresh, and chill like you did. I can do that. If he will listen to how I'm feeling now. I don't think he believes that though. It's like he thinks I will freak out over anything ...

He doesn't think you can be chill because you haven't really been chill in his overall experience of the relationship. Show don't tell. I'm not a fan of 'sitting him down and telling him you want things to be different.' Just be different. Show don't tell. He's an action guy and he'll start to respond if you start to be more relaxed.

It requires a lot of you, but I've read your posts. I feel like there can be a lot of drama that emanates from you. He cares about you and you have a good guy. I think you can have a good relationship. I just think you need other outlets to talk about your feelings other than him.

He doesn't think you can be chill because you haven't really been chill in his overall experience of the relationship. Show don't tell. I'm not a fan of 'sitting him down and telling him you want things to be different.' Just be different. Show don't tell. He's an action guy and he'll start to respond if you start to be more relaxed.

 

It requires a lot of you, but I've read your posts. I feel like there can be a lot of drama that emanates from you. He cares about you and you have a good guy. I think you can have a good relationship. I just think you need other outlets to talk about your feelings other than him.

Thank you for saying this. I never had the conversation with him anyway. I kind of went the route that you have suggested here, instead. I have been trying to lighten up lately. It's taking a toll on me, but I'm trying.

You should keep a mood journal. I'm wondering if what is taking a toll on you are the things you want to say about the relationship or the inner issues that this relationship distracts you from.

You should keep a mood journal. I'm wondering if what is taking a toll on you are the things you want to say about the relationship or the inner issues that this relationship distracts you from.

Probably a bit of both. I'm very up and down and confused a lot of the time. You really think a journal would help?

Probably a bit of both. I'm very up and down and confused a lot of the time. You really think a journal would help?

I would recommend a journal. Do it on here or Blogger or even in a notebook, writing how you feel at a certain time can help, especially if you know people can't see it. I have always tried keeping a journal through most everything in my life. When my ex and I broke up I kept a NC journal on here.

It's going to be hard to keep things to yourself or not express them as much in the beginning but like Asti said, eventually, it will become a part of who you are.

Like my fiance told me the other day he worries about me not getting out of the house as much and being cooped up. Yeah I don't have a car but still. At first I took it badly but after I thought about it I realized he has a point, I do tend to not venture out. So I have made some plans over the next few weeks to get out of the house, go visit my best friend for her birthday and what not. It's hard but I know it's a positive change for me. Just keep thinking that.