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Thread: Need constant reassurance from my boyfriend?

  1. #1
    thankyou
    Member thankyou's Avatar
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    Need constant reassurance from my boyfriend?

    hi, i recently have noticed that i am constantly asking my boyfriend of 6 months for reassurance of how much he loves me, how he finds me more attractive than any other girl, how he's never loved someone as much, and other foolish things like if he's only turned on by me..

    i know this sounds very silly, but it's most confusing for me because i don't have low self esteem, and i'm actually very confident. It would be one thing if i was shy, or insecure... but i'm really not at all.

    I'm starting to think it goes back to trust issues, like i always need to ask if we had sex if he thinks he'd enjoy it more than he had with any other girl previously- i know that sounds so immature of me, but he is always telling me things like that, and i know that i'm his first love, since before he only had hookups or one night stands that didn't mean anything. He treats me great and will always reassure me without a doubt in his voice. So i do know he loves me- but what's wrong with me? like why would i need to always hear that i'm the most special to him/how much he loves me? The questions i ask usually are comparing me to his past girls, making sure his experience with me has been better- do you think it's because i have trust issues or because i really am insecure? It's annoying because i don't like feeling so needy. I'm normally pretty independent and not the clingy type.

    Just looking for opinions and different points of view to help me understand. Thank you!

  2. #2
    hellohello1
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    i have been in your shoes before. its not fun. i dont really know why you feel that way but please please do whatever you can to not appear needy towards him. i did this and after a while it got to the point wehre my boyfriend broke up with me. i totally regret it. i know you stated you dont have low self esteem, but you must have some insecurities or else you would know how much he loves you. if you want assurance from him being needy will only turn him off after a while.

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    -Sanguine-
    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
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    It's because he cheated on you. I know exactly how you feel unfortunately. There's probably always going to be that little twinge of doubt in the back of your mind.. like if you're good enough for him because he needed to look elsewhere. But you are good enough. You just have to keep reminding yourself that he's with you because he wants only you now. No one else. Right now he is okay with reassuring you, but trust me, eventually it will grow old and he will become annoyed with it.

    It's fine to get a bit of reassurance but not all the time.

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    Member thankyou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by -D- [Register to see the link]
    It's because he cheated on you. I know exactly how you feel unfortunately. There's probably always going to be that little twinge of doubt in the back of your mind.. like if you're good enough for him because he needed to look elsewhere. But you are good enough. You just have to keep reminding yourself that he's with you because he wants only you now. No one else. Right now he is okay with reassuring you, but trust me, eventually it will grow old and he will become annoyed with it.

    It's fine to get a bit of reassurance but not all the time.
    thank you, that really helped, especially since you know my situation from the last time i posted about the cheating issue.

    I hate the thought of him getting annoyed by it eventually, and that scares me, so i definitely will just ignore the urge from now on, unless it's something that is truly necessary to ask. I guess inside i know the answer to every question i ask, but for some reason I feel the need to hear it... though I'm not sure why.

    Did you ever realize that it would get annoying and stop? ...If you did, were things better/ did you end up feeling better in the long run?

  5. #5
    LovelyLust
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    This is so weird b\c I was just about to post something very similar to your post but i wanted to look and see if anyone had already posted something on the topic...but in my opinion it is an insecurity issue, i say this from experience b\c i know that the reason that I ask these questions and get mad when my bf says something about a past gf is b\c im afraid i'm not i guess as good as the last girl. Im always comparing myself to his past gf's and trying to do things that they didn't do or trying to be better. thats just plain ol insecurity. Before I got with him i never did things like that im very independent and maybe a little over confident but these days i've not been myself. I just want to make sure he's happy in all we do. the past girls didn't make it to the present for a reason and I want to be the one here forever. Since you already know that he loves u without a doubt just be yourself im sure thats why he's with you and noone else. Good luck hun!!

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    -Sanguine-
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    Quote Originally Posted by thankyou [Register to see the link]
    thank you, that really helped, especially since you know my situation from the last time i posted about the cheating issue.

    I hate the thought of him getting annoyed by it eventually, and that scares me, so i definitely will just ignore the urge from now on, unless it's something that is truly necessary to ask. I guess inside i know the answer to every question i ask, but for some reason I feel the need to hear it... though I'm not sure why.

    Did you ever realize that it would get annoying and stop? ...If you did, were things better/ did you end up feeling better in the long run?
    There was a point in time when I was feeling REALLY insecure about our relationship for some reason (this was even before he had cheated, or maybe before I found out..) but I had been noticing he had been withdrawing and not himself and so I felt really needy and I would become emotional and I would just long to hear him say he loved me or tell me I was beautiful and he wouldn't. And the more I pursued him, the further he pushed away.

    I guess you could say I never really asked him all the things you say you ask your boyfriend, but I certainly wanted to. There would be times I would tell him he was handsome and compliment him and he wouldn't return the favor so I knew I should stop. I realize now that he will say nice things to me and make me feel good, on his own terms. The other day he randomly sent me flowers, just cause.. and it was so nice that I didn't have to ask him to do it or even hint at it.

    Look at it this way. When you ask him those questions, he's not going to say anything but what you want to hear (not to say he doesn't mean it). But wouldn't it be worth more to you if he said it on his own? Without you having to ask? I think that would be a better reward in the end.

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