I need help, 4 months and bf still hasnt told me where he lives or works.

I have been with my boyfriend 4 months, even though it's been only 4 months we become pretty serious with each other. He told me he loved me, I said it after maybe a month later. We are LDR, he comes to see me I go to see him. He want's me to move close to him. I'm in NJ he is in NC. So right now that is what we are working on. Here is the problem...

He is TOO private and I just don't understand why?? I trust him a lot but for some reason he won't tell me where he lives or the company he works for. Everytime I ask him he says it's not important and I don't have the right to know these things yet. YET!?!? It's been 4 months, these are things I should have known since the first month dont you think? Whenever I bring this up to him he gets mad and we get into a huge fight. He says that none of these things are important because it's not WHO he is. I'm like yea but how do I know if you had a secret life or lied about where he worked or something and he says well you just need to trust me. IT MAKES NO SENSE!

How could he expect me to just be with him for this long and still not ask him these things. ITS SO IMPORTANT! ESPECIALLY IF I'M GOING TO BE MOVING THERE TO BE CLOSER TO HIM! He says he works in a stock broking office and that he owns his own house. Last time I was down there I made a huge fit about how he was going to stop by his house to check on the workers he had working on his deck, I said why don't I just come with you, he said no that he's not ready to bring me to his house yet!!!??? I made such a fit, well he finally gave in and said that we will drive by just to check on the workers. We ended up driving by some house and you could see a deck in the back but there was no workers there. He said they probably went home or didn't show up. I found that kind of fishy. HE STILL WONT TELL ME THE NAME OF THE COMPANY HE WORKS FOR. He says it has nothing to do with us so it doesn't matter.

I've addressed this issue SOOO many times, every time we fight and break up then get back together. He said eventually he will tell me where he works and show me his house but not yet! And that his ex girlfriends had the same problem with this and that I'm just like them. I THINK ANYONE WOULD FEEL THIS WAY!

I'm going to talk to him today, I don't know how else to get through to him. Give me some ideas on what to say. I can't keep doing this with him, I feel like our relationship is a lie or something.

...cause he's married?

haha...maybe not married but he's definitely hiding SOMETHING. Either lying about his job and living situation or hiding someone.

That's bizarre! Part of a relationship is what the person does as a job, and where they live.

Huge red flag here. Perhaps Googling name and city? This sounds almost like a double life, or something. If I saw it on TV, I'd be like..."no way, that's made up."

Sweetkisses,

He could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you...

Seriously though, he's hiding something. Part of developing trust in a relationship is NOT being secretive about some fairly commonplace things that people talk about, like where they work and live. Give him an ultimatum and tell him that if you haven't been INSIDE his house and have the phone number to his job by the 6 month mark, you're leaving.

Scott

...cause he's married?

 

haha...maybe not married but he's definitely hiding SOMETHING. Either lying about his job and living situation or hiding someone.

Yeah I would agree that this is a huge RED flag. He is hiding something. No reason not to tell you where he works.

I wouldn't waste another minute on him, if he refuses to tell you where he lives and works.

He may be married, have a live in girlfriend, or doesn't even own a home. Also, he may be stringing you along, until the time comes when you make that move to be closer to him, by disappearing off the face of the earth.

i agree. suspicious. very suspicious. he's either married, has a live-in gf, has no job, or whatever. or some combination of all of those. these are things that should come out on the first or second date. dump him ASAP!!!

Yep, I would bet that he's married! I, too, would not waste ONE MORE MINUTE on him. That's just too weird. Even if it turned out that he is not married, you'll always wonder if he's hiding something.

Strange. Very Strange.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but what if it turned out that he's like some kind of secret agent for the CIA. He really likes her, but he can't reveal where he works or lives for national security reasons. Does he catch some slack then?

Scott

Im going with the "Married" for $300 Alex.......

Agree with others - there is definitely a red flag.....

I agree with the others who say he is married and I will add that it might be dangerous to continue to see him - assume that if others found out about you two there could be some real problems.

Okay we can definitely rule out the married thing because when we are together he NEVER turns his phone off and no one suspisious ever calls him. So if he was married I'd have noticed. Also we talk all hours of the day and night when he is home so I don't think anyone is living with him. I mean we send each other "sexy pics" all the time when he is home so I think married or gf living with him is def ruled out. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE???????? I KNOW THERES SOMETHING! And i'm so in love with him this hurts so much.

He may have a 2nd phone that he uses as a "decoy".

Let's put this into perspective...you've only dated him for 4 months and you don't really know anything about him. What, exactly, are you in love with? Could it be that you have fallen in love with the "idea" of who you hope he is? Or maybe you're in love with the person that you see when you see him (since you are LDR)?

Okay we can definitely rule out the married thing because when we are together he NEVER turns his phone off and no one suspisious ever calls him. So if he was married I'd have noticed. Also we talk all hours of the day and night when he is home so I don't think anyone is living with him. I mean we send each other "sexy pics" all the time when he is home so I think married or gf living with him is def ruled out. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE???????? I KNOW THERES SOMETHING! And i'm so in love with him this hurts so much.

He's either married or lives at home with his mother and is too embarrassed to tell you and won't tell you until he moves out on his own. Those are the only two things I can think off that would cause the person that tells you he LOVES you and yet hides his living information and career from you. I would imagine that the reason he doesn't want you to know where he works--is because if he is married he doesn't want you to put two in two together, show up at his job, call etc. And if it's case of living at home with the parents, I suspect that he may not be a stock-broker and is lying about his occupation. Either way I'd say that you need to find out ASAP and then make a decision accordingly.

But if I were in your position i'd leave the relationship because if he is hiding that from you, I wonder what else in his life is "off limits" and WHAT the reasons are for how he can tell you he loves you in one breath but yet "not be ready" to show you his home or tell you where he works.

How did you meet him?

I agree with the 2nd phone idea. His wife/gf could be a nurse, working strange shift hours.

But not knowing after 4 months is crazy. I'd run away. Or track him down.

When you said you go to see him, where is it you actually go? Or are you just going down to hang out for the day?

Has he ever talked about what went on in past relationships of him that could indicate that he's more afraid of something instead of hiding something major?

Do a search on his name. Even if it's one of those sites where you pay like $20 to find out the information on him. This situation sounds creepy, especially if he isn't hiding things because he's married. $20 is cheap when it's your life & your heart caught up in this mess.

He does have two phones but he gave me both numbers. The second phone he gave me the number in case of emergencies, both are cell phones. Also when I go to visit him we split a hotel cost and I usually stay for 12 or 13 days. He spends the whole day with me and even the night. He brings all of his stuff to my hotel so we can stay there together. I also cook him dinner there too. I mean if he was hiding a wife wouldn't he be leaving or not spending the night or getting calls the whole time??? That's whats strange to me. He is only 21 years old.

There is definitely something strange, I'm just not sure what it is. And his sister does know about me and one time he had to do business involving a mall contract and he introduced me to one of his co workers we ran into and he introduced me as his girlfriend. When we go out on the town we are always touching, he always holds my hand. He is never descreet about anything. THAT is why I don't think there is someone else. I think he is hiding something else. But what could it be???

i wouldn't wait around to find out. time to leave him.

you never know, he could be hiding more numbers. he could have told his wife that he is out of town on business, and there is bad reception, so he'll call her. maybe he does so when you are in the shower? you never know.

We can't play detective for you. You need to talk with him, tell him that you can't move forward with your relationship or see him anymore because he is hiding crucial elements from you. Also make sure that he knows that when you fall in love with someone that usually means that you are very much ready to take that person home and to tell them more about yourself--two things that he has not done.

Oh yeah he is hiding something. I was in this situation about 20 years ago and turns out the guy had no job and I ended up paying for everything all the time. He hung out with thugs and I ended up running a check on him via a friend on the police force and he had a criminal record. Run like hell from this guy is all I can say and save yourself the heartache and money.

He is hiding something. If he wasn't, he would have been up front about his life. Break it off. Don't try to track him down...he could get agitated if he finds out.

Well I am going to give him a one more chance to tell me what he is hiding. If he doesn't give me a name of a company and if he doesn't let me stay with him at his house next time I come to visit it is over. I sent him an email telling him everything, that we are in a relationship and I am suppose to know these things. Ill tell you all how it goes.

Very few 21 year old guys own their own home, and I would take a wild guess that he lives at home with his parents. Why not ask him why he chooses to split the cost of a hotel room, when it would make more sense to stay at his home?

Ask him what the yearly taxes are on his home, as you watch him squirm.

He knows A LOT about real estate, and buying homes and also selling real estate. He talks about it a lot. He knows all about the mortgages and taxes so that won't work on him. Also his mom passed away and he never met his father so he is alone.