Ladies: How to convince a woman she's not ugly?

My wife has self-esteem issues and I really need to do this. She's overweight (so am I btw) and has been saying she's ugly. This probably also has something to do with my decreased libido, which is not great but not horrible by any means (about once a week before I get an itch and I'm 38 ).

She has a beautiful face and I tell her that quite frequently, and really that's all that's important to me because I am a "face man." I HAVE to keep the light on for sex to be good.

She's always wanting to go on diets, and while I don't want to discourage it, I really don't care either way. It would probably make her healthier, which is good. But I have NEVER told her I think she should lose weight or go on a diet. She's not morbidly obese or anything; she's been around 200 lbs a few times in her life coinciding around pregnancy.

So, what can I do to convince her she's beautiful and be happy about her self-image? I know this is a pretty common thing with women, you always hear about it because of how fashion magazines promote "ideal women" which is pretty much impossible to obtain (especially since they're photoshopped up the a**).

So what do I do? Just telling her I think she's beautiful is not working.

Unfortunately, you can't convince her. She has to come to that realization herself.

But, you can continue to be a supportive and loving husband. My boyfriend has self esteem issues. It's a long road to help him get over it but it has gotten so much better over time. He'll still have boughts of insecurity that I have to talk him through.

But, basically, I complete dismiss any notion of him being "ugly" or "unliked" as soon as it springs up. Without hesitation, I say "of course not" or "why would you even think that?". It's the truth too. He shouldn't think that way. And, I consistently comfort him on the subject and bring him back to normal.

You run the risk of them becoming dependent though. My boyfriend has never tried to use my as an ego boost but your wife might.

I applaud you for wanting to help your wife feel better about her appearance. But based on what you describe, it sounds like her body image issues run deep enough that there's no magical phrase you could utter to help her. (Not to discourage you from trying, I think honest compliments are important in a long-term relationship, but she may be so down on herself that she just chalks up your compliments to being nice).*

Have you sat down with her to ask her about what's bothering her? (And have you made it clear that your decline in libido is unrelated to your attraction for her?). Does she have symptoms of depression? It could be tied into a larger issue for which she'd need professional help.

I can think of some band-aid solutions, like getting her a gift certificate for a massage (or giving her one yourself), helping her pick out some new clothes, etc. But ultimately if she's unhappy with how she is you may just need to support her to address these issues outside of the relationship, ie a gym membership, getting counseling if it's depression, etc.

And looking for the source of your own decline in libido (any medical issues?) could also help, unless she's happy with the change.

*the only small exception to the above is: do you really compliment her face only? I think for a lot of heavy people being told they have a pretty face can feel like a backhanded compliment. But I'm assuming you also tell her she's beautiful in general, since it sounds like that's how you feel.

P.S. I just reread your post and noticed you said she's complaining that she's ugly. If this is the case and it feels like she's digging for compliments and reassurance, I'd try to shut it down. Take a moment to gaze deeply into her eyes and tell her how you feel and ask her what she thinks is wrong. After one or two solid reassurances it should be easier for you to say "we've already talked about this. What more can I say?" if she keeps complaining in front of you about her appearance.

That's really tough because you can't necessarily change how a person views themself and it sounds like you're a very loving husband. Personally I think she may need therapy to get to the root of what her self hatred is about. Woman struggle but not to that level IMO. She's allowing magazines and exterior things to rule too deeply.

I wouldn't say it's "complaining" she ugly. More like self put-downs, like "How do you put up with someone so ugly?"

I wouldn't say it's "complaining" she ugly. More like self put-downs, like "How do you put up with someone so ugly?"

Turn a humorous spin on it.

"Good thing I married someone so beautiful. I'll never have to worry about it"

It's hard to get over self-image issues -- I know, I have them myself. And yes, when sex frequency declines, we can start feeling pretty badly about ourselves. Or at least I did in my last relationship. I didn't start saying anything about it until it got to well under once a week, and then I dislocated my kneecap, tore ligaments, and gained about 15 lbs... and it went even longer than that. NOT good for my self-esteem.

If you feel like libido issues are part of the problem, especially if she's at her sexual peak while you're kinda starting to slow down, have you looked at herbal supplements? Saw palmetto is decent -- it might not work for you, but it won't hurt you and is good for the prostate even if it's not effective at increasing libido. And it's certainly cheaper and safer than the little blue pills.

Sex isn't just about physical for many women, it's about intimacy. Even if you don't feel the itch for actual sex, cuddling with her a lot may help too. All God's children love cuddling.

Good luck, and I'm glad to see you care so much about your wife... other than the above, what other people have posted, and what you said you're trying to do already, I can't really think of anything else to suggest except patience.

You mention she always wants to go on diets... Is she aware of "proper" (diets don't work) weight loss methods such as a regular exercise routine & healthier eating?

If she is that unhappy perhaps she can look into a gym membership. I know these things can seem scary to some, but what is the alternative? She seems very unhappy with her weight - an action is needed to change this. Regular exercise, both resistance training and cardiovascular, along with dietary changes, can help her lose the weight.

She's always wanting to go on diets, and while I don't want to discourage it, I really don't care either way. It would probably make her healthier, which is good.

Do you think maybe it'll be a good lifestyle change for you two while her gaining more self-esteem if that's what she's been wanting to do? Nothing is better than a spouse/partner helping you to reach a certain goal. Because you could say she's beautiful and compliment all you want but if she doesn't believe herself or see the change inside (and outside) I'm sure it's going to come to the point where she may just not believe you or anyone that she is in fact beautiful.

Do you think maybe it'll be a good lifestyle change for you two while her gaining more self-esteem if that's what she's been wanting to do? Nothing is better than a spouse/partner helping you to reach a certain goal. Because you could say she's beautiful and compliment all you want but if she doesn't believe herself or see the change inside (and outside) I'm sure it's going to come to the point where she may just not believe you or anyone that she is in fact beautiful.

This, absolutely!

I have some problems with my weight, and a lot of the time I will go through phases of really, really hating how I look. I would love to be as thin as the sort of people who get plastered accross magazines, but that's not going to happen any time soon.

My boyfriend is wonderfully supportive, and helps me through the bits that are the most difficult, but one of the most helpful things he's done is, without pressuring me to go, has agreed to go swimming with me, and go the gym weekly with me - it helps so much when your partner is doing something with you, you can encourage one another and help each other.

However, I think it's important that you talk to her about why she wants to lose weight. Getting healthier is a much, much better reason than "It'll make me prettier" - and if you can bring her around to wanting to lose weight for that reason instead of wanting to look like "the ideal woman" then she'll feel a lot better about herself.

Sometimes, just doing something toward losing weight helps so much, both physically and mentally.

Dude.

My ex had social anxiety disorder, and thought she was obese as hell when she was just average.

I spent very many restless hours trying to figure this one out. I thought she was perfect.