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Found out why men do not want to date me


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Well I don't mean all men just the ones I know of for now. I have now been divorced for 2.5 years, ex husband left 4.5 years ago and no sex for 5.5 years. I was in a serious car accident over 10 years ago and I walk with a rolling cane. If you did not see me with the cane you would have no idea I had a painful condition that prevents me from walking for periods of time. I am sad to have mourned my ex husband leaving but I also had to mourn the loss of my physical indepedence and not being able to do things I used to love to do.

 

I have tried dating sites and once they find out about my condition they do not want to meet. Someone from work wanted to fix me up with someone and one night we were all getting out of work and he was in the parking lot with my co-worker's boyfriend and he seemed really nice and I was attracted to him but he told my co-worker (I had to pry it out of her) that he did not know I walked with a cane and he was more of a physical kind of guy (hikes, like to ski etc.) like I used to do but can't anymore. There were a couple of other incidents but it really upsets me because I work full time with this condition and I just bought my own condo a few months ago all by myself with no one's help. Oh by the way I just found out today that the guy my co-worker knew was dating a few different woman and said they were clingy and not independent. That made me think of do men think I would be a burden because of my condition? I am VERY indepedent in one way but in another sense I am looked upon as possibly being a burden?

 

I have just figured out how to pay off my mortgage off in 15 years by the time I am 61. I guess I will just keep concentrating on how to secure my own future being alone. I mean I was married and happy for a short period of time and so many of you on here have never even had a date and you are in your late 20's or even 30's. I guess I can accept being alone but not because of my condition. It was not my fault and it took a big part of my life away.

 

Thank you all for listening!!

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A cane, huh?

 

Well, thinking about what a humbling and strengthening experience that is... I would have been interested in a guy with a cane and a disability when I was single.

 

There's something intriguing, somewhat vulnerable, and interesting about it.

 

My heart goes out to you. Not every man in the world would reject you.

 

I thought the exact same thing before I met my husband. I was single for 7 years. I have a son w/special needs and thought no one would want to be with us after I divorced his dad.

 

don't give up! Focus and don't try to look...just think positively and be active in things you enjoy and can do. Then it's more possible a man will come along because you won't project a sense of sadness about the whole thing...which can repel men.

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It sounds like you have an overall good outlook on things...you've accomplished a lot, you have a good job, a nice place to live, financial plans, and some good memories of your past (a lot of people don't appreciate their past so that's a good thing!). You say you can accept being alone but that doesn't sound like what you really want. Are there any support or event groups for people with similar conditions? Perhaps you'd meet someone who can really relate to the loss you've experienced.

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Some of us males are kind of sessile, so the cane really isn't a turnoff. Whenever a read ads from women saying how much they like to hike, camp, etc. I move on, because I find that kind of thing boring.

 

You'd have to be a lot more disabled than needing a cane for me to be concerned. Being in a wheelchair would be too much for me, but a cane's nothing.

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Thank you all for your responses! I was in a wheelchair for years after my accident and had to learn how to walk again. I might end up in wheelchair again because I am by myself and have to do everything myself and my condition eats slowly at your bones and my fibula is starting to separate again. A lot of people with my condition stay in bed and don't want to move because it is so painful but I was so determined to walk again and the doctor's said I have "functional CRPS" which I guess I am happy with.

 

My condition is kind of rare and there are no support groups in my area but there are online ones I go to. I guess as far as dating is concerned it just kind of feels backwards to someone who has already been married. I want to make peace with being alone and focus on my retirement in the next 20 years and also help my aging parents. I need to realize what is really important in life and you can't always GET what you want but you can always GIVE what you want.

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[...] I need to realize what is really important in life and you can't always GET what you want but you can always GIVE what you want.

 

THAT is a great line.

 

Some thoughts jumped out at me. First, you've got way too much going for you to allow some bratty demo of superficiality to become emotionally formative for you. Second, your condition isn't a barrier, it's a screening device to spare you from guys who'd otherwise waste your time. Third, if you believe that a cane isolates you as unique in the experience of being rejected by someone you'd only end up rejecting anyway, then you haven't been hanging out with enough women--it's a universal experience.

 

When you think of how rare and special it is to click with a good friend, and how excited you both feel about the simpatico, then you'll appreciate how important the same dynamics are with a potential lover. Your right match won't recognize something like a cane as a factor in that feeling--he'll be too busy seducing you with his mind.

 

Your greatest sexual organ is above the neck. Remind yourself of this the next time you start to fall into the same line of thinking that squelches a woman who doesn't like her thighs. Yeah, Mr. bikeracer might not appreciate her form--but the guy down the hall who reads and cooks is the one who would turn HER on, so why should she mourn the dull dude?

 

Please. Think your way OUT of that paper bag you might be placing over your head. Dumb guys are not your thing, so why would you measure your potential love life according to their capacity?

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I love what Catfeeder said about a condition being a "screening device" rather than a barrier.

 

I kind of agree with that on one hand but have another opinion. I think there could be some great men out there but if they are physically active I would just pull them down. Not saying it in a bad way but just a fact. I don't like couch potatoes but I kind of had to become more of one because of my accident and I hate it. So I guess I can't seek out an active man because being outdoors and doing physical things are a big part of his life and he needs to be with someone who can be along side of him. But there are a lot of times where I can't even take a long walk on the pier at the beach or a park and that is what bothers me the most that I would be considered a burden to a man who is not even extremely physically active. It is just the way it is and life is not fair but through it all I don't want to become bitter because of my accident and my ex husband leaving. I just want to get back to the fun-loving, light-hearted, kind and funny woman I used to be. No matter what my circumstance is I wish to be this kind of woman.

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I really don't think that would be a dealbreaker to him. An athetic man, yes. But no guy who is interested in you is going to care that you can't take really long walks. I really am not saying this just to make you feel better. I honestly believe it just wouldn't be a big deal to most men, especially at our age. You know a lot of them have their own health issues, too.

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I really don't think that would be a dealbreaker to him. An athetic man, yes. But no guy who is interested in you is going to care that you can't take really long walks. I really am not saying this just to make you feel better. I honestly believe it just wouldn't be a big deal to most men, especially at our age. You know a lot of them have their own health issues, too.

 

Yes but a lot of them want 25 year olds too. I love to dress very classy and do my hair and makeup most of the time and keep myself up as much as I can. But it does not matter. I have seen a lot of men look at me with pity when they see me walking with a rolling cane. I don't want to be pitied I want someone to see me for who I am not my physical condition. A lot of people have fears about being with someone who might need some extra help with things.

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Yes but a lot of them want 25 year olds too. I love to dress very classy and do my hair and makeup most of the time and keep myself up as much as I can. But it does not matter. I have seen a lot of men look at me with pity when they see me walking with a rolling cane. I don't want to be pitied I want someone to see me for who I am not my physical condition. A lot of people have fears about being with someone who might need some extra help with things.

 

There are plenty of men in our age group who are not looking for 25 year olds. I think that hiking guy hurt you, which is understandable. But don't let him skew your thinking.

 

By the way, there is a site called link removed, which is a dating site for people with various conditions, ranging from cancer to a limp. If you really are uncomfortable, maybe try that one? I am thinking about it, but the only bad thing is not as many members, of course.

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Yes but a lot of them want 25 year olds too. I love to dress very classy and do my hair and makeup most of the time and keep myself up as much as I can. But it does not matter. I have seen a lot of men look at me with pity when they see me walking with a rolling cane. I don't want to be pitied I want someone to see me for who I am not my physical condition. A lot of people have fears about being with someone who might need some extra help with things.

 

 

WG - I walked with a cane for a long time after two surgeries on my knee - soon I will need a total knee replacement, which will be back to a cane again, possibly permanently after awhile.. I also have Lupus which plays havoc with my joints (it's an immune illness which attacks your body) and I'm currently still fighting cancer. I haven't given up hope of being with someone. Obviously it's not my focus right now, as I have a lot on my plate -but if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't -that's okay to.

 

I still have faith that there are genuine people out there who will look past illness and disability. To be honest, I'm just happy to be alive. I go to a cancer support group sometimes, and it can be emotionally hard as some members obviously do pass away. A friend of mine recently passed away due to cancer, she was only 39, and hadn't married. While I grieve for her, I take strength from her amazing fighting spirit -and her unwavering positive attitude.

 

While I am not invalidating your disability/lot in life (you have been through a lot) -you still do have a lot going for you. Sometimes it can be a little too easy to view your situation with a "glass half empty" or victim attitude. Please count your blessings and focus on those -you really do deserve to be happy, so reach out, grab that happiness and work with it!

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jazzykat and Misskitty16 you both have been through a lot and I want to say I admire you both and your understanding of my situation. I do want to make clear that one point I was trying to make is I can understand that some decent men would not be attracted to me because of my condition and that is OK. I don't feel like a victim at all and I after my ex husband left me for another woman 4.5 years I got a really good job and bought a condo 4 months ago. I feel proud of myself in that aspect and I have worked so hard to get to where I am.

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jazzykat and Misskitty16 you both have been through a lot and I want to say I admire you both and your understanding of my situation. I do want to make clear that one point I was trying to make is I can understand that some decent men would not be attracted to me because of my condition and that is OK. I don't feel like a victim at all and I after my ex husband left me for another woman 4.5 years I got a really good job and bought a condo 4 months ago. I feel proud of myself in that aspect and I have worked so hard to get to where I am.

 

 

And you should be proud! Owning your own place is huge! All we are saying, is your condition is not as much of a hindrance as I think you see it. We don't see you as a victim at all. I just think you are underestimating a lot of men is all. A good man won't care (unless he is highly physcially active).

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jazzykat and Misskitty16 you both have been through a lot and I want to say I admire you both and your understanding of my situation. I do want to make clear that one point I was trying to make is I can understand that some decent men would not be attracted to me because of my condition and that is OK. I don't feel like a victim at all and I after my ex husband left me for another woman 4.5 years I got a really good job and bought a condo 4 months ago. I feel proud of myself in that aspect and I have worked so hard to get to where I am.

 

That's what I mean WG -You have a lot going for you! Things that you've accomplished and worked hard for, and also things that are innate about yourself! -Please focus on those, as they are your blessings..

 

You are a decent person, and I'm sure there are decent men out there who will look past the disability. There are also decent men who unfortunately have various disabilities and illnesses to -who are also looking for open-minded genuine women

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This thread reminds me of my friend who has just started dating a man who was in a motor cycle accident. He lost his arm at the shoulder. He is very upfront about it, and uses humour to diffuse any awkwardness. My friend met him on a dating site, and said the first time she went to his place (after a few dates etc) he answered the door without a shirt on. She was saying how it was confronting at first, but the way he was so relaxed about it just made her feel at ease. He actually had a tattoo on the 'stump' at his shoulder which said "OUCH!" -pretty silly but that's his sense of humour.

My friend is able bodied, (and a great person) and she just sees past the disability.

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This thread reminds me of my friend who has just started dating a man who was in a motor cycle accident. He lost his arm at the shoulder. He is very upfront about it, and uses humour to diffuse any awkwardness. My friend met him on a dating site, and said the first time she went to his place (after a few dates etc) he answered the door without a shirt on. She was saying how it was confronting at first, but the way he was so relaxed about it just made her feel at ease. He actually had a tattoo on the 'stump' at his shoulder which said "OUCH!" -pretty silly but that's his sense of humour.

My friend is able bodied, (and a great person) and she just sees past the disability.

 

 

And my friend's husband has a hook for a hand and they have been happily married for years. They both work and have a good life, and are actually quite successful.

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This thread reminds me of my friend who has just started dating a man who was in a motor cycle accident. He lost his arm at the shoulder. He is very upfront about it, and uses humour to diffuse any awkwardness. My friend met him on a dating site, and said the first time she went to his place (after a few dates etc) he answered the door without a shirt on. She was saying how it was confronting at first, but the way he was so relaxed about it just made her feel at ease. He actually had a tattoo on the 'stump' at his shoulder which said "OUCH!" -pretty silly but that's his sense of humour.

My friend is able bodied, (and a great person) and she just sees past the disability.

 

That's very sweet and I wish them the best of luck!

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There are plenty of men in our age group who are not looking for 25 year olds. I think that hiking guy hurt you, which is understandable. But don't let him skew your thinking.

 

By the way, there is a site called link removed, which is a dating site for people with various conditions, ranging from cancer to a limp. If you really are uncomfortable, maybe try that one? I am thinking about it, but the only bad thing is not as many members, of course.

 

There are also plenty of men in our age group who are not into all the outdoorsy athletic stuff. There are people out there with all kinds of interests that involve less activity.

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