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Thread: Found out why men do not want to date me

  1. #1
    adequate
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    Found out why men do not want to date me

    Well I don't mean all men just the ones I know of for now. I have now been divorced for 2.5 years, ex husband left 4.5 years ago and no sex for 5.5 years. I was in a serious car accident over 10 years ago and I walk with a rolling cane. If you did not see me with the cane you would have no idea I had a painful condition that prevents me from walking for periods of time. I am sad to have mourned my ex husband leaving but I also had to mourn the loss of my physical indepedence and not being able to do things I used to love to do.

    I have tried dating sites and once they find out about my condition they do not want to meet. Someone from work wanted to fix me up with someone and one night we were all getting out of work and he was in the parking lot with my co-worker's boyfriend and he seemed really nice and I was attracted to him but he told my co-worker (I had to pry it out of her) that he did not know I walked with a cane and he was more of a physical kind of guy (hikes, like to ski etc.) like I used to do but can't anymore. There were a couple of other incidents but it really upsets me because I work full time with this condition and I just bought my own condo a few months ago all by myself with no one's help. Oh by the way I just found out today that the guy my co-worker knew was dating a few different woman and said they were clingy and not independent. That made me think of do men think I would be a burden because of my condition? I am VERY indepedent in one way but in another sense I am looked upon as possibly being a burden?

    I have just figured out how to pay off my mortgage off in 15 years by the time I am 61. I guess I will just keep concentrating on how to secure my own future being alone. I mean I was married and happy for a short period of time and so many of you on here have never even had a date and you are in your late 20's or even 30's. I guess I can accept being alone but not because of my condition. It was not my fault and it took a big part of my life away.

    Thank you all for listening!!

  2. #2
    spearntime
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    A cane, huh?

    Well, thinking about what a humbling and strengthening experience that is... I would have been interested in a guy with a cane and a disability when I was single.

    There's something intriguing, somewhat vulnerable, and interesting about it.

    My heart goes out to you. Not every man in the world would reject you.

    I thought the exact same thing before I met my husband. I was single for 7 years. I have a son w/special needs and thought no one would want to be with us after I divorced his dad.

    don't give up! Focus and don't try to look...just think positively and be active in things you enjoy and can do. Then it's more possible a man will come along because you won't project a sense of sadness about the whole thing...which can repel men.

  3. #3
    savignon
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    It sounds like you have an overall good outlook on things...you've accomplished a lot, you have a good job, a nice place to live, financial plans, and some good memories of your past (a lot of people don't appreciate their past so that's a good thing!). You say you can accept being alone but that doesn't sound like what you really want. Are there any support or event groups for people with similar conditions? Perhaps you'd meet someone who can really relate to the loss you've experienced.

  4. #4
    peanutbutterandjelly
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    I can't speak for men, but as a woman, I wouldnt be turned off by a cane at all. I'm sure there are many people out there who feel the same way and will look beyong that.

  5. #5
    spearntime
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    That would include me!!

  6. #6
    Godless_Heathen
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    Some of us males are kind of sessile, so the cane really isn't a turnoff. Whenever a read ads from women saying how much they like to hike, camp, etc. I move on, because I find that kind of thing boring.

    You'd have to be a lot more disabled than needing a cane for me to be concerned. Being in a wheelchair would be too much for me, but a cane's nothing.

  7. #7
    adequate
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    Thank you all for your responses! I was in a wheelchair for years after my accident and had to learn how to walk again. I might end up in wheelchair again because I am by myself and have to do everything myself and my condition eats slowly at your bones and my fibula is starting to separate again. A lot of people with my condition stay in bed and don't want to move because it is so painful but I was so determined to walk again and the doctor's said I have "functional CRPS" which I guess I am happy with.

    My condition is kind of rare and there are no support groups in my area but there are online ones I go to. I guess as far as dating is concerned it just kind of feels backwards to someone who has already been married. I want to make peace with being alone and focus on my retirement in the next 20 years and also help my aging parents. I need to realize what is really important in life and you can't always GET what you want but you can always GIVE what you want.

  8. #8
    catfeeder
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    Quote Originally Posted by weathergirl [Register to see the link]
    [...] I need to realize what is really important in life and you can't always GET what you want but you can always GIVE what you want.
    THAT is a great line.

    Some thoughts jumped out at me. First, you've got way too much going for you to allow some bratty demo of superficiality to become emotionally formative for you. Second, your condition isn't a barrier, it's a screening device to spare you from guys who'd otherwise waste your time. Third, if you believe that a cane isolates you as unique in the experience of being rejected by someone you'd only end up rejecting anyway, then you haven't been hanging out with enough women--it's a universal experience.

    When you think of how rare and special it is to click with a good friend, and how excited you both feel about the simpatico, then you'll appreciate how important the same dynamics are with a potential lover. Your right match won't recognize something like a cane as a factor in that feeling--he'll be too busy seducing you with his mind.

    Your greatest sexual organ is above the neck. Remind yourself of this the next time you start to fall into the same line of thinking that squelches a woman who doesn't like her thighs. Yeah, Mr. bikeracer might not appreciate her form--but the guy down the hall who reads and cooks is the one who would turn HER on, so why should she mourn the dull dude?

    Please. Think your way OUT of that paper bag you might be placing over your head. Dumb guys are not your thing, so why would you measure your potential love life according to their capacity?

  9. #9
    Mr. Franklin

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    Your friend did not help you at all. She picked a guy who loves physical activities. Sadly you cannot take part in some physical activities.

  10. #10
    BriarRose
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    I do not feel a cane would prevent a man from wanting you unless athletics were very important to him and/or he was a shallow person. I truly do not feel this should prevent you from finding love.

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