How should I deal with this abuser?

I have posted many times about my son, who was diagnosed as bipolar, and abuses alcohol and drugs. He's in trouble with the law.

Verbal abuse has escalated into physical, over the last year or so. Last night he got drunk after a court date (he had been on a 5 day bender with a friend, sobered up enough to go to court where they said a petition to revoke his probation would be filed, and then went back to drinking) He got drunk very quickly and weirdly, saying he was afraid strangers were going to come to the door and take him away. I asked him if he wanted to go to the local psych hospital and he said yes. I took my younger son with me for protection.

We were going through the intake when I think he realised what he'd let himself in for. He told the nurse he wasn't thinking of harming himself (he constantly says he wants to kill himself and had said a couple of hours earlier that I am the only thing keeping him alive, as he couldn't do that to me) and he wasn't thinking of harming anyone else. Then he started saying that he'd like to hurt George Bush. Very conniving, as it can't really be pinned down to anyone realistically.

The nurse said she was going to check his vitals and before she left to get the BP machine, he asked her "are these rooms monitored vocally?" like , can you hear what people are saying, like a closed circuit camera...she said no and left. He then turned to me and said very quietly and menacingly, "As SOON as we get out of here, I'm going to slit your throat and cut your head off". then, "Aw, you look so sad". I immediately got up to leave and he began following me into the hallway. Fortunately the nurses came back and said "Where are you going?" I said I wouldn't go back in the room with him. He said, "Can we be separated? Because I'm going to cut her head off because she's an effing liar".

Thank God I had witnesses. For some time now, I've felt that my life was in danger. I think he will kill me. It's very dysfunctional-I've protected him in the past and now it's gone beyond the point of no return where I have to understand that he is a dangerous force in my life. He loves me and hates me.

The nurse came to me and said he was psychotic, possibly schizopohrenic and gave me some papers to sign. Legal papers, I think to detain him for 72 hours. I said I was afraid of him and didn't want him to come home. They had to take him to the ER because he had fractured his shoulder earlier in the week (Drinking incident again) and the ER guy was telling me "Oh, he'll be home" I said I was afraid and he said , well that's a police matter.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here...

I'm TERRIFIED of him. Nobody from hospital has contacted me this morning, so I assume they're keeping him for observation.

What do I do when/if he gets out? He has nowhere to go, but I don't want him living with me.

How do I get over the feeling that I've betrayed him? I need to see him not as my beautiful son, but as a man who wants to cut my head off.

I'm sure there's more to add, but this is a start. I've been reading the threads and the one entitled "Married to a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic" has resonated very soundly with me. But it's just a little different when it's your CHILD.

I did call his aftercare therapist (he had to do 75 hours + a year of aftercare) and she says she doesn't think he's psychotic, but coming down from all the alcohol. I think there's more to it than that. I feel it in my gut.

Any words for me? I am a completely nervous wreck, jumpy, scared all the time. I don't even want the psych place to contact me-I just want them to keep him there.

How will this affect his court hearings? he has 2 more in August and 1 in September. The nurse said maybe the judge will commit him to a residential facility rather than jail. She also said that I had been keeping him from being responsible for his actions (true) and that it was the best thing I could do, as he would now get the help he needs. I'm not sure he wants it though. He is very slick. Fears jail immensely. I think he'll make sure I get payback...

Well I see you have a young child on your hands and I know these situations are hard, but I would say consider getting a restraining order to protect both you and your child, and stay away from him at all costs and to not worry about him, he is a big boy and can make his own decisions and take care of himself. It sounds like he has led himself down the wrong path and he is trying to take you down with him.

I'm really sorry blackgnat. I think you probably need to take out a restraining order against him to keep him out of your home. This doesn't mean you don't love him or want him to get help. But if your very life is in danger then you must act to protect yourself.

He needs to be responsible for his own actions without you sheltering him. Either he will then get help, or he won't and will probably end up in prison. But allowing him to hurt you anymore will not help him. You must look out for yourself here.

More details before I can give you a better answer....

How old is he? Is he over 18, no learning disabilities that would quality him as disabled, no other disabilities that would qualify him as disabled? If he is, a restraining order is one option (though it will have other serious repercussions in his life). If you were a victim, or witness to any of the reasons for court cases -- have a sit down with the prosecutor, and ask them to add a period away with no contact, and no drinking/drugs to the clauses. Maybe you could even get them to add forced medication as a term of getting his sentence suspended/reduced. Sometimes they can help you if you *ask* them to.

I've seen people have more serious reactions from the DT's than I have from drinking, but I have dealt with a few that had psychotic breaks, especially when there was an underlying disorder (bipolar, schizo affective, schizophrenia, antisocial, histrionic), or they were concurrently abusing amphetamines. They can say, and do some wild things. I've dealt with bipolars that had psychotic breaks during where they thought their own family was out to get them.

One incident comes to mind. I played with a younger musician that still lived with his family. Great guitar player, and nice guy, but his dad was severely bipolar. They kept him severely zonked out on medications, but even those don't really prevent episodes. One day we both had to disarm him because he was convinced his family had turned on him, and was out to kill him. He was a nice guy the other 99% of the time, but its not something I would want to deal with even on an irregular basis, and despite those situations only escalating on a rare basis; they can be extremely dangerous when they do. I certainly understand your fears, but how far are you truly willing to turn your back on your son? Can you live with it if you do, knowing the consequences might be severe for him?

Thank you so much for the replies. The update is that he got out of hospital, stole money from me and began drinking again. In the last couple of weeks, he's gone from being drunk to sober and right now is drunk again, absolutely off his head, though asleep. I know he's going to wake up and be horrible. Oh, God, he just woke up.

I can't live like this. It's such a nightmare. I'm shaking and jumpy all over again. I just started antidepressants but right now my stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to throw up.

Another event that didn't help was that his friend who is homeless and has been diagnosed as psychotic, was staying with us for a couple of days. They were drinking heavily and were fighting. My son tried to stab his friend and the friend choked my son until he was blue.

Since then, my son says he can't read. He told me this this morning and was drunk, so I'm not sure what he means by this. He says he can only make out certain words. I suppose it's possible that the friend did some brain damage, but maybe my son is just delusional.

He went to court yesterday and we both thought that he would be jailed-he has violated his probation (the original charge was heroin possession) but he has to return on 9/10. The previous day he also has to be in court both in the morning and afternoon.

A MAJOR part of the problem is that I also abuse alcohol, so the envrionment is extremely toxic. I do have periods of sobriety-this isn't one of them-but I am not a hair of the dog type of person. I will drink (I did last night) and then be abstinent the next day. I will not be drinking today-but sometimes I do it to escape from the horror of my domestic situation. When I'm sober I don't want to buy him beer, but he bullies me into it, either hounding me or becoming physically abusive. A couple of nights ago he spat in my face and urinated on my bedroom floor and wall because I wanted him to leave my room and he wouldn't.

I recently had to go into a lot of credit card debt to repair my house, repaint and recarpet it (from the damage he has done-smashing things and punching holes in the walls) and I had to buy a new car because he totalled it. I've had to put my house on the market because I can no longer afford the mortgage. My ex husband was giving me spousal support but he lost his job 18 months ago and can't afford to pay me. I work full time and love my job, but it's very badly paid. I have had to ignore a couple of requests from agents wanting to show the house, because my son is drunk and the house is untidy.

I also have a 19 year old son and it's affecting him badly, too.

Sorry this is so long and I realise I'm all over the place with my thoughts, but I'm too stressed to keep it together.

Ok so it seems BOTH of you need to be in treatment right now. You are both codependent and nothing is going to change until you start making some tough choices. Your son needs to be in treatment immediately for his mental health and drug issues. If he refuses, he needs to be out of the house. It's that simple. Not an easy decision I know but it really does boil down to this.

As for you, it is also vital that you check yourself into treatment. The alcohol issue makes complete sense to me now. But again until you take active steps to make your own life better then I don't see how you can expect your son to do it. You both feed off each other and fuel the addictions which are destroying you. Call a treatment center TODAY.

And please enlighten me why you've allowed this "friend" to stay with you now when the situation was intolerable before?

Blackgnat, I hope that information was useful, please come back on and give us a update on how you are.

Yes, this info has been helpful.

@avman- I let this friend stay because I've known him since he was a little boy and to me, is always polite, charming and helpful (probably the psychopathic aspect in full force). Plus I am a compassionate person and hate the idea that this kid has to sleep on the streets, behind dumpsters, etc because his parents want nothing to do with him.

I'd like to think that someone would do the same for my son if he were in that position...if I ever had the courage to kick him out, that is...

Yeah, we no doubt need treatment and I agree that we are massively codependent. The word that's more appropriate is enmeshed.

But just cos I know something doesn't mean I'm mentally equipped to act. That's my failing...

I understand you wanting to be generous and have a big heart. On the other hand, you need to understand your limits and also realize what this situation is doing to you and your home. You aren't really equipped to be a drug treatment center, which is what these two people so desperately need.

You can act, that's the beauty of it. All it takes is one phone call to get things started. Why not make that call and take the first step down the road to a better life?

The harsh reality is he will not get help nor change unless he makes the decision to.

Sometimes we done everything we can do and have to let the other person make that life change. You shouldnt wait until hes taken everything from you mentally, monetarily and physically before you put your foot down.

Please reach out, maybe if he sees you getting help it will make him want to change also.

Honestly, do you think your compassion has helped your son OR his friend?

No.

It has not.

It has helped develop this situation.

Are you ready to stop confusing being a Pleaser with being compassionate? Because, at this time, being compassionate means calling the police, filing a report on him that he's been treatening to kill you, and have that in records BEFORE the 9/10 court date, so that they will put him away for treatment.

Sorry to be so rude, but you need to wake up. Your own issues aside, you are helping him harm himself and you by not calling the cops.

No, turnera you are right. Nothing I have done has helped anybody.

I am not sure that you could understand my mindset-NOT because I don't think you are correct, but because it has taken DECADES of conditioning to get me to the point I am at...where I feel I have to keep protecting my child.

On the most basic level, I think that jail is the best thing for him, if it were only a case of incarceration being a purely punitive institution. However,be it urban legend or not, stories I hear of jail and prison are that inmates get beaten and/or raped. My son is small and almost feminine in appearance.

My whole focus, based on this, has been to keep him out of jail/prison. Even if it means that I have to deal with other stuff. How could I live with myself knowing he was there, not having done all I could to prevent this from happening?

Yeah, I know I need MAJOR counseling...I'm being honest here. Maybe someone can relate?

Maybe it will help you to understand my position if I tell you that my brother was a paranoid schizophrenic. He was diagnosed when I was 14, so my formative years were spent with the horror of this situation.

I am constantly amazed at the unfairness of this-I grew up with this and now my son is exhibiting so many of the same traits.

I had an innate fear of history repeating itself-hence my reactions to something that most "normal" people would not find acceptable. For me, chaos is familiar, which might explain why I've been willing to put up with so much.

Not trying to sell a sob story here, just to provide a backstory.

My whole focus, based on this, has been to keep him out of jail/prison. Even if it means that I have to deal with other stuff. How could I live with myself knowing he was there, not having done all I could to prevent this from happening?

What do you think will happen to him AFTER he kills you?

He will go to prison anyway.

If you stop this dysfunctional act you have going, you MAY be able to save his life - by sending him to prison and/or psychotherapy.

I'm sorry for not being understanding, but I have important people who have suffered lifelong tragedies because the adults in their lives did not do the hard thing - turning them in.

You do NOT turn him for a SELFISH reason.

Blackgnat-

You have to realize yes, your helping him by giving him a place to live and food to eat.

But your also hurting him by making him think its okay to do drugs in your home, to take money from you, to move friends in, to take advantage of you as a mother.

We can only teach our children how to live thier lives, how to be responsible human beings. But we cant force or make them.

Yes prison or jail is a bad place, but once a person goes in sometimes they learn that they dont want to live that type of life and want to change. My sister went through anger management in jail and it help her tons. She no longer gets the evil eyes as I call them.

You never know what will happen, but if you dont do something now, you may be burying him instead of visiting him in jail.

@turnera-I understand you are trying to give me a tough love type of advice-what makes you think that 6 months on the couch, for an hour a week will turn his head around?

turnera, you're not the only one who has been faced with life's tragedies.

Glad you were able to weather the storms and come out unscathed.

Some of us were not so lucky to glean the wisdom of the situation and have it work for us.

Some of us kept on with the same old patterns, hoping something would stick. It didn't.

So, jolly good show for you finding out the answer. It has to be a fantastic feeling!

Essentially, you all are not where I'm at.

I TRULY appreciate where y all r coming from... but it's NOT where I'.m coming from.

So, without drama, I am absorbing all the good things that u r saying and am respectfully withdrawing my posts.

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be snobby or whatever. And I'm sorry I'm not very good at commiserating, at making posters feel good. There are lots of other posters who post that way, and I leave that to them, cos I really suck at being touchy-feely. I just try to effect changes.

I'm just trying to show you that you DO have some power here. You do NOT have to let him dictate your life.

I know it's hard to see from where you are, and I can hear how desparate you are. But there are a lot of different ways to handly ANY experience. Every person on earth has a different viewpoint.

But you are dealing with a life-or-death situation; most people never face that.

So I would ask you to step back a minute and look at this from a really simplistic view: What is the #1 most essential goal here?

To stay alive.

What is the #2 most essential goal here?

To get your son some help.

You have to take care of #1 first, or you won't be AROUND to help him with #2.

That's all I'm saying.

There are only so many ways you can achieve #1. And you can see that what you are doing is NOT working.

@turnera-I understand you are trying to give me a tough love type of advice-what makes you think that 6 months on the couch, for an hour a week will turn his head around?

Well, assuming that he is not clinically psychotic - and nothing will help that - he has reasons for doing what he's doing. It's likely that he has never been in a situation where a professional has gotten him to a place where he can be vulnerable and take a good hard look at himself, see the good AND the bad, deal with the bad, and hopefully decide to take a new path in life.

That's the psychotherapists do. It's what they train for 5 to 10 years to be able to solve. It's what your son needs. That, and getting off of drugs.

btw, Tough Love works for a reason. Kids get into bad spots partly because they RELY on their parents to keep bailing them out, keeping the status quo, letting them continue destructive behavior. But because of that, they stop respecting their parents. And start using them. You are now in that position.

Tough Love is the only way to teach your son that you will NOT continue to let him use you. That you deserve respect. And if he's not willing to give it, you're not willing to let him use you.

It's at that point - rock bottom - where they have to make a choice: get off this crazy ride, or die.

It seems counterintuitive, but it works.

I can understand your frustration blackgnat but unfortunately you are in a place where some very tough decisions must be made. Leaving things the way they are is unacceptable. So although changes will be painful, they are for the long term good of everyone involved.

You need to get healthy first and foremost. Without that, everything else is academic. Part of getting healthy for both of you will involve some type of therapy. It's vital to help both of you see the issues going on inside of you and helping to work through those issues and solve the real problem.

@ turnera-you make very good points and they make sense to me. I don't want you to think I'm jumping down your throat-I truly appreciate any replies and support that I get here.

@ avman-you, too are absolutely solid in your perception of my situation.

Thanks to both of you and to all who replied.

Tomorrow is the double court date and the day after is another one in another county. I'm kind of hinging everything on what happens over the next couple of days. Then I have made a promise to myself that I will act accordingly and in a way that benefits ME.

My bday is Saturday, so hopefully things will pan out in such a way that I can celebrate with a new beginning.

I'll post what happens, tho don't want to make the assumption that you're all on the edge of your seats, haha.

Again, thanks to all...

Actually, I'm quite worried for you, so please DO post!

And happy birthday! Make sure you do something special for yourself, like a massage.