Should I marry a girl who just wants to be a housewife?

Hi,

I'm looking for some help, insights and maybe some personal experiences. I have a crucial decision to make very soon. I'm at a turning point in my life.

I was in a relationship with a girl for two years. I loved her very much and thought about marrying her. She broke up with me and now a year later she's back in my life. She has expressed her desire to get back with me. I also realize if I accept her back, I would have to think about marriage.

One of the reasons why she broke up with me was over my disapproval of her wanting to be a housewife. It's one of her goals in life I may not be able to support financially and emotionally long term. Although I'm making good money have my own house, I feel to support a family with kids and have a good standard of living requires two incomes.

i guess my question is, should i marry a girl who just wants to be a housewife?

Entirely up to you. Personally speaking, I wouldn't marry anyone whose ambition was to be a home maker. As you stated, it's just too risky in today's economy--and the convention itself is rather archaic IMO.

You may want to check out this thread:

Lot of good discussion there!

Entirely up to you. Personally speaking, I wouldn't marry anyone whose ambition was to be a home maker. As you stated, it's just too risky in today's economy--and the convention itself is rather archaic IMO.

Being a housewife is not easy, specially if you have a few children.

Well, first and foremost this decision HAS to be yours!

Okay, well, there's alot that could be said on this topic. May i just say that if you really love her, want to get married etc then yes, it does involve both people compromising SOME of the time. Yes, i can see how one income MAY not be easy to support a wife and kids BUT, remember too, that to get someone in your house to do your house, garden and look after the kids, that will and does add up! So, at the end of the day it might work really well. Is there government funding out there for stay-at-home-Mum's?! Because that might be an avenue to look in to. You say you have your own house, WOW...that is more than many unmarried men have, that's definitely a great thing!

There was a guy i once liked (never worked out, long story and NO, it wasn't because of anything like that...) we actually had a chat once about how he likes the idea of when he gets married his wife being home and there to look after the kids, call him old fashioned but i couldn't agree more! There are many girls out there like us that would love to do just that! Yes, it might not be easy, but just think of the love that will go into making your meals, ironing your shirts, cleaning the house (to name a few...) i reckon it's great thing. Sure i don't know exactly WHY your gf wants to be at home, but i know for myself, i DO hope to meet and marry a guy that will like the idea i stay at home with the kids. i'd love to make it a nice home and him come home from work and have a nice meal ready for him and iron his shirts and everything like that just to make my hubby loved and happy.

Finally i might just add, that in terms of staying home with the kids (especially before school) has been shown to be more beneficial for children. Now, that's NOT me having a go at parents that choose and have to have to put their kids in daycares/pre schools etc, that's indeed their own choice and each family is unique and different! (Sorry to anyone, NO hurtful intentions!) But kids before school can learn heaps at home, go on outings with Mum and lean about caring for younger children (like siblings) and pets. ALSO, think of it this way too, kids don't stay little long, sometimes you only get one chance to see something such as milestones in walking/talking etc. Yes, you can see them after that first time, but nothing like the first time. Kids grow up so fast and it's nice to be able to enjoy as much of it as you can!

So, just think about it, perhaps question WHY she really wants to stay at home. i know every girl is different and may have different things in mind of WHY they want to be at home.

i hope it all works out for you, potentially her and perhaps a family!

I'd like nothing more than to marry a home-maker.

Different strokes for different folks.

I say do whatever works for you!

Like the others have said, it's up to you if you want to her marry her. I do believe that being a housewife can be a very time consuming job. Taking care of the house, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, cooking, and taking care of kids all can add up to a lot but at the same time, she could end up getting bored and change her mind about being just a housewife.

Ask her if she is dead set on this or if there's a chance that she could end up changing her mind. Who knows, she might not want to end up being cooped up in the house everyday.

I would also ask her this, which is very important: If your financial situation changed (for whatever reason), would she step up and get a job to help out?

wow groovygreen, thank you for your insight. Your reasons for a woman to be a housewife were the exact same reasons my girl told me.

I guess I don't value ironed clothes and warm meals as much as other guys. I've always been independent - cooked and cleaned and did laundry for myself and even bought a house myself.

Both of my parents worked and I want my kids to have the same upbringing I did and to go to college. (I know its crazy to think about my kid's college funds when I don't even have kids yet). I know there's no way I can pay for my children's college fees by myself.

I wonder if there are any young couples with children out there right now who can survive comfortably with one income?

For the men out there who would like a homemaker, do you have the financial ability to support her and future kids? If yes, how are you doing it?

For the men out there who would like a homemaker, do you have the financial ability to support her and future kids? If yes, how are you doing it?

where there's a will there's a way.

you can always make more money if you need to (and have the drive to do so)

(agree with the above re: women wanting to saty at home, the traditional aspect, man as the breadwinner, etc... I like the idea that I take care of busienss and she takes care of the home).

I wouldn't. I'm in my last 8 months finishing up my RN degree. I believe to have the nice things you want you need 2 good incomes and I don't believe in the 'where there's a will there's a way' stuff.

I can value other womens opinions on why they'd want to stay at home, but I never was brought up in a family like that. My parents both worked good jobs, my mother was well educated and they brought me up to be a woman who has a university education and money in the bank account so I don't have to rely on anyone except myself.. and yes, my parents pay for school. No, they couldn't have done that on one income even though my dad made a six figure income each year. Couldn't have happened.

Some women want to be independent and successful in terms of 'stuff'... cars, holidays, big houses, the latest gadgets etc.... Some women want to be successful in terms of raising a family, looking after a home and looking after her man.

Neither is wrong, neither are completely exclusive (though that's debateable) and neither is right. Some men want one, and some women are the other. The only problem is where one partner wants one, and delivers the other.

I can see from your post that you want the finer things in life, and you realise that in order to get these, you feel you need to have two incomes. Fair enough, I understand and respect that.

Personally I value the family home-maker aspect and (because of my personal beliefs) I feel that a woman should look after the home. I'd feel that woman who works for a living would not have the time and effort to do the home-maker bit herself. Sure she can hire help, but I want my kids to be raised by US, not by our local créche or babysitter, I want my shirts lovingly ironed by my wife, but most of all I want to know that she's happy with that life.

No matter what you think, everything has a way of working out. If you need to make more money, and you're motivated to do it, there's the possibility. Where there's a will there's a way.

If the OP is saying that on his current salary he cannot afford to raise a family, but he decides that a home-maker is what he wants, then he needs to look at how he can progress his career (which usually comes with monetary gains) or look into the potential for switching jobs, taking a second job, etc... Doing whatever needs to be done to make sure the bills are paid, while she does whatever needs to be done to keep the house clean and the kids safe.

If the OP decides that he doesn't want to have to go down that path, and the woman in question is dead-set against working then unfortunately, as much as he may care for this woman, he needs to realise this isn't going to work.

There is no right or wrong, there are only choices. You make the choice that fits with you, the way you want to live, and you work at it.

There is a compromise here. A lot of women will be homemakers and have a part time job. So they are working a few hours a week for extra income but mostly at home.

I know some women who stay at home because childcare costs more than they could earn.

I wouldn't mind it if my spouse was a homemaker if we had children and the children were still young. Once they're in school though, I think both of us should work.

With the divorce rate being what it is anyone who agrees to be the sole breadwinner in a relationship is taking a huge risk. There is a very high chance that you could find yourself supporting an ex-spouse plus children in the marital home while little is left of your income to support yourself. This used to apply mostly to men and still does although more and more women are finding themselves doing this which is why I use the term 'spouse' rather than 'wife'.

If you do agree to this be aware of these risks. Few people marry intending to divorce - but the statistic belie the initial intent.

aamansj: You're very welcome! Well, in that case, if you want my PERSONAL opinion... If you really love this girl, seriously go ahead and marry her!

Yes, that's understandable, but trust me, just think how nice it would be to be able to get up, with a nice breakfast (made by your wife), get ready and get off to work with a nice clean AND ironed shirt on your back, a home-made lunch (packed with love of course!) then come home to a nice yummy evening meal and some wonderful quality time together!

Would love to hear about what eventuates.

PS that's great you already have a house, sounds wonderful already!

Personally if I did want kids I'd want to get back to work because I dislike feeling dependant on someone like that. I also find the idea of being a housewife very claustraphobic, I'd want to have my job and my life outside of the home each day. I also wouldn't like to have to go from two incomes to one income + children to provide for.

However that's just me. If another woman wants to be a housewife then it's her choice. The only ones I will say I don't have respect for are ones who simply sit and do nothing all day, leaving their kids to do whatever and not cleaning the house etc. I mean

I do however have an issue with the fact that if one parent stays at home, it is the vast majority of the time expected of the woman...

To the OP here: Some people make it work, but do you truly feel comfortable with the idea of being the sole breadwinner? You may love this girl but what if you get more and more irritated? You need to decide how big of an issue this is for you. If you think you can accept her wish then go ahead and marry her just make sure you're certain you're ok with the future plans.

If you already broke up with her over it, I don't think you should marry her. Marriage is a partnership and when one partner feels the weight they're pulling is disproportional...

I couldn't marry someone who wanted to stay home. I would want the standard of living that comes with two incomes and tbh, I'd probably end working more to support them and then end up resenting them. On the flipside, I couldn't marry someone who expected me to stay home, I'd feel like a maid or a pet. (Yes, I know it's respectable and there's nothing wrong with wanting it, but all my instincts just go ~HISS!~ at the thought of me having to do it.)

I wonder if there are any young couples with children out there right now who can survive comfortably with one income?

Just to address this topic, the answer is probably yes.

Because income is only a portion of the equation here. How you manage your money is another (very large) portion of the equation.

I was downsized from a decent paying full time job about 2.5 years ago. Up until 2 months ago, I only had a part time job and whatever freelance work I could find.

I had less income between 4/2008-4/2010 than I did, say, between 4/2006-4/2008. For a good portion of that time (08-10), somewhere between 25-50% less.

Yet, I managed to pay down more of my debt in the 2 years between 08-10 than the 2 years between 06-08. (Quicken reports can show you some stunning things if you have several years' worth of financial data in the program)

That is just going of my income alone and not factoring my husband's income into it at all. For a variety of reasons, we have kept our finances pretty much separate, so it's not like my income took a hit and his took up the slack. I was still responsible for the same stuff (including the mortgage payment) over those 4 years.

The money management decisions and lifestyle choices people make result in a HUGE difference.

I don't mind living frugally (or even ultra-frugally for short periods of time)...if the last 2 years have taught me anything it's that I prefer living frugally because I found out I LIKE not being in debt and having a pile of money in the bank more than I like having new clothes or eating restaurant food all the time or buying a bunch of crap. I do notice that a lot of people can't stand stand living frugally (or even semi-frugally) and don't have the motivation or discipline to do it. They don't want to do without until they save up the cash for (whatever).

As I type this, I am wearing a top that is 10 years old, a skirt that is 6 years old, shoes that I bought off ebay and sitting at a computer that is 6 years old and has had the hard-drive reformatted 3 times in the last year to keep it going....and I'm fine with all that. I'm about to get in my 8 year old paid-off car and go to work. And, I'm actively plotting ways to get my mortgage (on my small, 40-something year old house in a not-very-trendy neighboorhood with a mortgage balance of about $90k) paid off early once the credit card debt is gone.

I guarantee you, some people will read the above paragraph, cringe and swear they will NEVER be in "those circumstances." But they're probably the same people that wouldn't be able to get by just fine (and even pay off debt) if their income took a 25-50% hit for 2 years, too.

So, yes, there are probably young couples/families who could swing it, even on a modest income. But it takes a lot of discipline, self-restraint, planning and effort to do so.

If you want to learn more about this, go to the library (For the most part, I don't buy books...but I read a lot) and check out books by Dave Ramsay, Mary Hunt & Jeff Yeager.

 

i guess my question is, should i marry a girl who just wants to be a housewife?

Based on the wording of your question, no you should not.

This isn't about whether or not being a housewife is a valid contribution to a family (it IS), it is about whether or not you can accept that as her contribution to YOUR family and continue to respect her and treat her as an equal in the partnership...

Your choice of the word 'just' and a few other things, has me thinking this is not the right fit for either of you.

It doesn't matter if she will cook, clean, iron etc. If you don't value those things enough, to value and appreciate her doing it, you are going to grow to resent her and see her as a succubus on your wallet. You will lose respect for her for being dependant on you. She will sense this and resent you NOT appreciating her efforts, and for thinking the only contribution that counts are those involving money. You may feel that because you make the money, you get to decide how it is spent. She will feel controlled like a child on an allowance...

In any event, I don't see how you could function effectively as a 'team' when your views on money, career and home are so different.

I think it won't end well. A huge contributing factor to failed marriages relate to money issues. If you don't agree on how money is to be earned, and by whom, or what is important in the running of your household, you are both going to end up feeling unappreciated, and resentful.

She needs to find a man who WANTS A housewife, there are plenty out there who will appreciate what she has to offer.

I suspect you need a woman who is at a minimum self-sufficient financially, someone you can view as more than 'just' anything.

Just my opinion.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a house wife, I'm just saying that in the 21st century... well.. we live in it. Not many people can live like that anymore and gone are the days where you'll have a job, and you still stay at that job until you retire. You need a safety net, where I feel my partner working is what that is. With my job in my location, I'll be the bread winner, but I wouldn't want my spouse to stay at home because he makes less money than I do. Sure, it's awesome coming home to a nice cooked meal, my socks and underwear ironed and the house kept clean, but this can be achieved by each member of the house hold doing their own part, pitching in together and washing their OWN dishes, their own clothes, every member given house hold duties and responsibilties. If a woman can stay home and her husband made loads of money and they can still be comfortable with her at home, then by all means. But having a second income doesn't necessarily mean you want to buy nice stuff, like the poster stated - he wants his children to go to school. My post secondary education alone (since I went back already) is costing up near $36,000. I don't quality for OSAP and unlike the UK in places like Scotland where education is paid for... that's a luxury we don't have here. When you have a family, you have the best interests for your children.. and in my opinion, that means sending them off to school, so they're not working a poxy job and living at home till they're 34. Sure, they were kept clean and safe and had a home cooked meal each night at exactly 5pm, but still.

I don't think it's fair to say the poster wants 'finer things in life'. I think the poster wants to feel comfortable raising his family, and like DN said - the divorce rates are steadily increasing and if you happen to get divorced from your wife and she has no job, what are the chances of her looking for one post divorce? She'll get the house, the kids and the income she was use to for raising the family... and your left with nothing. And I'm pretty sure if the poster wants to make extra money, he wouldn't want to get a second job after his primary job (working on weekends or working after a 12 hour shift or a 9-5). At the very least, his wife can get a second job that helps pay for the groceries or part of the mortgage or helps put money away for a college fund.

I'd feel that woman who works for a living would not have the time and effort to do the home-maker bit herself. Sure she can hire help, but I want my kids to be raised by US, not by our local créche or babysitter, looking after the children and running a house is done by 2 parents, not just one. Exactly.Raising a child does take a village... and I'm fine with my mum baby sitting for me while I'm working and day cares are a great way to help kids become social at an early age.

It's definitely a matter of preference between both the man/woman and what works for them as a couple. Both options have their own set of perks!

A single person man or woman has to work full-time, run their household, pay bills on their own, cook meals, clean, laundry, make time for hobbies/gym/friends. With no help whatsoever.. It's exhausting.

As a couple, you can make things easier by splitting everything down the middle and it makes things easier for everyone.

If a man makes enough money (or a woman even) and can support TWO people plus children on their one income alone, I don't see why they WOULDN'T want the person making the less income to stay home and take over the house chores/kids all on their own. I personally am not a house-maker kind of woman, I've always worked and prefer to be more independent and in a social atmosphere. Staying home 24/7 slaving around the house is not my idea of fun. I'd rather work, than DO work at home. I don't enjoy cleaning or cooking. If my income can support my family, I'd rather work and be the breadwinner and have my husband stay home and tend to the house and kids... But that's just me. I don't make enough at the moment to do that, so I love the idea of both my bf and I working, splitting bills as much as possible and sharing the housework at home. If he told me I could quit my job and stay home & take over all the house work/cooking etc. I'd say no thanks!

I honestly think it depends on your values and what you find desirable in your marriage. There are some men who only want women who will stay home with the children and take care of the home. Those men ALSO don't mind carrying the brunt of the finances, and over-working to compensate for that "lack" of second income. Keep in mind however, that typically if there is no "saving's nest" and your just depending on your sole income, then most likely you will be working in "over-drive" and you may hardly see your children or family. Because if you don't make enough--at this point--to support her and 1.2 children, you'll have to pick up more hours, more work, etc. So if being with your kids and spending time with them and YOUR wife is a big priority to you then I caution you on carrying this burden.

My dad was the breadwinner and my mom was a stay at home mom. I BARELY saw my dad growing up and my relationship with him was pretty distant--and still is. Overtime, he got more work flexibility and what-not, but by that point we were teenagers.

My point is that everything comes at a price. Having to compensate two incomes with ONLY one income will be a ton of work, stress, and financial burden. And it will most likely impact the time you spend with your family.

On the plus side--as someone stated, you come home to clean outfits, cooked warm meals, and kids that are bathed, clean, and are in good moods without being in the "daycare system". A stay at home mom, can be more active with the children's education, she will instill YOUR values onto the children, and you save on daycare costs(which are expensive). Additionally, you can completely propel with your career without worrying about how relocating, or what not will effect her career. You'll get a ton of support from her, and so on.

So it's somewhat of a trade-off.

But, for myself, I would not be OKAY with being the breadwinner at all, nor would I marry someone who's only goal is to stay at home. That just isn't enough "ambition" or "drive" for me. They have to want something "more" than just to be at home. Because ultimately once the kids have gone off to college and are out of the house--then what? That's person life goal is limited to an 18 year time frame, and after that do they stop living? Unless that person has a career in mind or a "working" goal, I just find it completely a turn off that their sole purpose is to be a stay at home parent, while you "support" it with your income, hardly see your children, and most likely struggle.

A lot of the "stay" at home families that I know--on average--require a ton of sacrifice on both people's part. Because their is a lack of income, most likely you may not get the biggest house, the best vacations, the best schools etc(that is if you don't have a safety nest already established). You may not get that "lifestyle" you desire, and so on, because that is the sacrifice of losing ONE income if you are the average joe-smoe. And if that is your fear--which is understandable--then I don't blame you.

I need someone who is just as independent, hardworking, and contributes financially in the same manner as I do. And I'm a woman. I'm passionate about the career I plan to pursue, and I'd expect that my husband be similar--as that is one of my values(passion for a career). I'd also like us to be a team--where we're both splitting the chores, the cooking, and raising the kids. And most of all I want the dad to NOT be overworked, and super-stressed, I'd prefer that he-like me--can see the kids just as much as I do, NOT working 100 hour weeks just so I can stay at home. So with that being said if you have a similar mentality as me.

Then NO I don't see this ever working. You'll resent her. You'll become angry about the burden you have to carry and you probably won't get that lifestyle you desire.

Also keep in mind, that the cost of living IS increasing. And if you don't *think* you can live the lifestyle you desire with just one income, then don't DO IT. Because if you do, you'll struggle.

Someone said when there is a will, there is a way. Which is true, BUT, that's if this is something you truly want. If deep down, you don't want this, you probably won't find that "will" but more likely will do it anyway and live to resent her and regret you agreeing with the arrangement.

The ONLY men I know that find the drive to support a stay at home mom and children, are men who WANT it and knew it from the start. They also understood the "price" they'd have to pay for such arrangement.

But for someone like yourself--I just see you growing frustrated and upset with her for her role.

YOU are exactly like my ex. He was sooo independent. He cooked himself, cleaned, did his own laundry, neat freak, etc, and he was great with kids--changing diapers, putting them to sleep, giving them a bottle, reading to them etc. I offered to make him a plate sometimes, and he said "no" a majority of the time. I offered to clean for him. And he said "no" a majority of the time. I offered to help him "babysit" and he said "no I don't need help". He just didn't need or want help.

His mom and dad both worked growing up, and as a result, following that model, he didn't see the need to be so dependent on a woman to help support him with his "basic" needs. I grew up with the stay at home parent model and appreciated it as a child, but once I became an adult I KNEW that was not the type of model I wanted for my family.

The one thing me and my ex agreed on, is that if we had children, the first "5" years of their life I would work NO MORE than 25 hours a week. Thus I would still be contributing financially, but also home with the kids more often. Then once the children went off to school, I would go back to the 50 hour work week.

But I let him know, I was not interested in being a stay at home mother, and he appreciated it and was relieved--though if I wanted to be, he would've been ok as well as long as it wasn't a permanent thing.

I think it's important that you agree on this FUNDAMENTAL value. You either support it or you don't. And if you don't, why force yourself.

She could easily find a man that would be glad for her to stay at home, and you could easily find a woman who wouldn't mind working either.

You both are "settling" for "second best" and I don't understand why.

I am independent, hardworking since I was allowed to work (since 1981), had an intense career for about 15 years and now work at being a full time mom to our toddler. I don't hang around the house much or "stay" in one place for very long - that's not conducive to doing my job right, in my opinion - and I am very socially active and intellectually active.

I don't relate too well to women who never wanted a career or to be financially or otherwise indpependent and on top of that expect a man to provide for her and the family financially 100% even after the kids are in school (i.e. once she would have the hours in the day to get a job/career). If a man and woman want that lifestyle that's fine - it's the expectation on the woman's part that would concern me.

I gave my background because I think you have to be careful about distingushing between a person who only wants to be a homemaker her whole life and never work, and a person who wants that job temporarily while there are young children, and every other permutation in between. And I think it is a significant difference if the couple agrees on the husband/wife roles as compared to your situation where it doesn't seem to sit right with you.

I think this is just a situation of incompatible goals/values.

Personally, I could never be a homemaker because I want to be financially independent, and most long time homemakers aren't (talking those who never want to go back to work). Being a stay at home mom has never crossed my mind to be honest. Because of that I've always searched for men with my mindset. I have a few friends who believe the woman should stay at home, and to me this is an outdated mode because it puts the woman at a disadvantage if the couple divorces (and this happened to a friend of mine btw). In this economy I think only having one salary is dangerous because what if the sole earner loses a job? To me it's too much a risk so it I have children I'll work fulltime and both me and my spouse will do the housework. Personally, I don't care if a woman works as long as I'm not paying for it, and she chose it, not someone else. People that push the view that women were put on this earth to be housewives, etc are another story and those people are dangerous, but a small minority now.